Today hasn't been too bad a day. I spent the morning and most of the afternoon with my baby niece. She's amazing. I sat with her and we through bits of duplo at each other. Then I gave her some lunch and she gurgled nonsense at me. After lunch we made noises with things and I played her some guitar. I think she's going to be musical, she loved the sound of the guitar.
My back is still really bad. It's only a few steps up from what it was like when it first fucked up, I guess I should be thankful I can actually still move about fairly easily. When my back went completely I was absolutely terrified because any kind of movement caused vast amounts of pain.
I'm convinced that I need to be prescribed the valium again for my back. It's only 2g and it's an anti-spasmodic which stops it tensing up and twitching when I'm lying down which stops me from sleeping. I'm a bit gutted that Dr Struthers has left the practice as Dr Arbuckle seems a bit more traditional and I'm convinced she thinks I'm using the valium recreationally... that's not quite true, I am using it for my back, but I can't lie... the good night's sleep it gives me is wonderful. I need to call in for my repeat medication so I might see if she'll give me a fortnight's dosage to see if it helps. I had diclofenac for my back but it doesn't mix with the medication I take for my blood pressure so I've had to stop it. I'll just have to stick with ibuprofen for now. I've got some co-dydramol for night times and if I get some soluble co-codamol I can take that on week nights as it doesn't give me such a hangover the day after.
I genuinely just want a good night's sleep. At the moment I lie awake for hours... last night was terrible but I was thankful for once to be watching the TV. Dad suggested to Mum that they buy me a small tv for my Christmas. I think I'm happy with that. It will have freeview and a dvd player. I know I've looked down my nose at television for years but I am so introverted that I think I almost need a shallow escape from reality sometimes. I certainly did last night. Even if it was just watching trashy american shows.
It's my work's halloween do tomorrow night and I'm meant to be going to it. If my back carries on like this it's going to be an effort... but I guess I can leave at 11pm with Sarah if I can't handle it. I've got a pair of white fake Converse that I can put in my bag if the heels get too much.
I'm going as "Messed Up Minnie" which is basically Minnie Mouse but as a serial killer. I've got a 50's style red and white polka dot dress, net skirts to go under, Minnie Mouse ears, black patent leather heels... and Mum is going to take me to get white gloves and fake blood tomorrow. It's not the most elaborate costume but I think I'll be able to deal with it. I'm not really the costume party type. She's giving me some cash which is a relief as the meter's nearly out... I won't be drinking or anything. I'm really not feeling up to it at the moment. I've got a couple of canvases that are only half-finished. If I save as much of the £25 as I can tomorrow night then I can use the surplus to buy some food for the weekend (I have nothing in the cupboards, I have been off my food a bit due to the syndrome x issue) and in order to finish the two paintings I need some string and some copydex.
I've three paintings in the flat just now which I think are meant to be part of a trio. The first one is an 80's style angular painting, the second is kind of like a question mark and the third one looks a bit like one of the old fashioned aboriginal style hearts I used to do.
Know what's sad actually? The third one is another installation of the set I did for Cub when I was still in his life. I'm guessing he won't have them anymore seeing as he's all loved up with someone these days... I kind of wish I'd had a chance to get them back because it would have been nice to see the progression as the ones I did for him were done... god... years ago. Five years ago? Not sure. I guess I probably wouldn't have been able to keep them around. I'm surprised I've been able to mention his nickname in this blog entry... in previous I've had to change the subject. As I'm going to do now because I can feel the old familiar sting in my chest. It's a good thing he doesn't come on here anymore as he would probably recognise me from my screen name and I'd be mortified if he saw this and knew how much I was struggling with life when things have turned out so well for him. I don't know. Maybe it's karma... somewhere deep down I know that I deserve to be without him... although not for the reasons he thinks. I was just a shit person when I knew him. I never meant to be. He was my world though, and I loved him down to his bones. Ach, my heart's still blind since the day I first saw his face and that will never change. As I've said in previous posts I'm fine on my own. I was only ever in love twice and I don't think I could ever go through the pain of loving and losing someone again. It's too hard.
I'm thinking about knitting Colm and Pat a scarf each for Christmas. Pat likes Rupert the Bear and Colm hates him (thinks he's a cunt) so thought I would knit them both an old fashioned Rupert scarf for a laugh.
I really hope that Pat finds himself a nice girlfriend that will go travelling with him and that will indulge him and look after him. He reminds me of myself when I was 25... except he's that bit wiser... and a lot less spoiled than I was. I'm really glad he's a friend. One of the few that can get past my obnoxious outer shell and who knows how to talk to me. I hope nobody ever breaks his spirit because he's just decent.
I am worried about Colm though. he and Eilidh are having so many problems it's unreal and I think it's going to end in tears. Colm is probably the one person apart from Debbie that I can tell anything to and I'm worried that something bad might happen. I think I will be ok mentioning this here because it's all first names and stuff... but he called me about a year or so ago in tears at 4am because he'd self harmed. You've got to understand that Colm is a sturdy wee Belfast boy and he's been through worse shit than anything that's happened lately... although the Meniere's diagnosis didn't help things. Ever since then i get really worried that something will tip him over the edge again. I went down to see him the day after as he didn't want me to come down after he called and I was the one that cleaned up the blood and the mess. Thankfully it was ok and he didn't scar... and he's never done it again. He says he felt like an arsehole after he did it. Colm can be a bit evasive and rubbish at responding to texts sometimes but I honestly think I'd crack up if anything happened to him. When he got diagnosed with Meniere's I found him lying on his couch where he'd been for three days crying his eyes out and my heart just about cracked. I wish Eilidh could see what she's doing... and I wish she would get some help because she really needs it. She lost her Dad and she's never got over it. I know we've all got skeletons but it's affecting her and Colm's lives when they both need to move on and be happy.
I'm so stupid pouring my heart out on the internet... who the fuck am I anyway? I don't know. Nobody really listens when I scream anyway so it's better to do it somewhere that nobody knows me. My problem is that I've always been so dramatic that people just got sick of my shit and couldn't offer me support. I've alienated so much potential happiness from my life.
But as I keep saying. I'm gonna stick my chin out and I'm going to find a way to get by and be happy. I know there will never be another love affair and I'll never be the dreadlocked bohemian spirit that I've always envied and been intimidated by... but I'll always be me. I'm just a bit of everything and that's all right. All I can do is admit my mistakes, accept life for what it is, and try to live my life with no regrets and having learnt from all the mistakes I've made so far.
It's crazy. In the midst of a mithering, teary moment, my heart as always is at breaking point... but I won't give up while there's souls that can be saved... underdogs that can be fought for... words collated on pictures... and while there's music to be heard.
"It's so easy to laugh, it's so easy to hate, it takes guts to be gentle and kind"...
My back is still really bad. It's only a few steps up from what it was like when it first fucked up, I guess I should be thankful I can actually still move about fairly easily. When my back went completely I was absolutely terrified because any kind of movement caused vast amounts of pain.
I'm convinced that I need to be prescribed the valium again for my back. It's only 2g and it's an anti-spasmodic which stops it tensing up and twitching when I'm lying down which stops me from sleeping. I'm a bit gutted that Dr Struthers has left the practice as Dr Arbuckle seems a bit more traditional and I'm convinced she thinks I'm using the valium recreationally... that's not quite true, I am using it for my back, but I can't lie... the good night's sleep it gives me is wonderful. I need to call in for my repeat medication so I might see if she'll give me a fortnight's dosage to see if it helps. I had diclofenac for my back but it doesn't mix with the medication I take for my blood pressure so I've had to stop it. I'll just have to stick with ibuprofen for now. I've got some co-dydramol for night times and if I get some soluble co-codamol I can take that on week nights as it doesn't give me such a hangover the day after.
I genuinely just want a good night's sleep. At the moment I lie awake for hours... last night was terrible but I was thankful for once to be watching the TV. Dad suggested to Mum that they buy me a small tv for my Christmas. I think I'm happy with that. It will have freeview and a dvd player. I know I've looked down my nose at television for years but I am so introverted that I think I almost need a shallow escape from reality sometimes. I certainly did last night. Even if it was just watching trashy american shows.
It's my work's halloween do tomorrow night and I'm meant to be going to it. If my back carries on like this it's going to be an effort... but I guess I can leave at 11pm with Sarah if I can't handle it. I've got a pair of white fake Converse that I can put in my bag if the heels get too much.
I'm going as "Messed Up Minnie" which is basically Minnie Mouse but as a serial killer. I've got a 50's style red and white polka dot dress, net skirts to go under, Minnie Mouse ears, black patent leather heels... and Mum is going to take me to get white gloves and fake blood tomorrow. It's not the most elaborate costume but I think I'll be able to deal with it. I'm not really the costume party type. She's giving me some cash which is a relief as the meter's nearly out... I won't be drinking or anything. I'm really not feeling up to it at the moment. I've got a couple of canvases that are only half-finished. If I save as much of the £25 as I can tomorrow night then I can use the surplus to buy some food for the weekend (I have nothing in the cupboards, I have been off my food a bit due to the syndrome x issue) and in order to finish the two paintings I need some string and some copydex.
I've three paintings in the flat just now which I think are meant to be part of a trio. The first one is an 80's style angular painting, the second is kind of like a question mark and the third one looks a bit like one of the old fashioned aboriginal style hearts I used to do.
Know what's sad actually? The third one is another installation of the set I did for Cub when I was still in his life. I'm guessing he won't have them anymore seeing as he's all loved up with someone these days... I kind of wish I'd had a chance to get them back because it would have been nice to see the progression as the ones I did for him were done... god... years ago. Five years ago? Not sure. I guess I probably wouldn't have been able to keep them around. I'm surprised I've been able to mention his nickname in this blog entry... in previous I've had to change the subject. As I'm going to do now because I can feel the old familiar sting in my chest. It's a good thing he doesn't come on here anymore as he would probably recognise me from my screen name and I'd be mortified if he saw this and knew how much I was struggling with life when things have turned out so well for him. I don't know. Maybe it's karma... somewhere deep down I know that I deserve to be without him... although not for the reasons he thinks. I was just a shit person when I knew him. I never meant to be. He was my world though, and I loved him down to his bones. Ach, my heart's still blind since the day I first saw his face and that will never change. As I've said in previous posts I'm fine on my own. I was only ever in love twice and I don't think I could ever go through the pain of loving and losing someone again. It's too hard.
I'm thinking about knitting Colm and Pat a scarf each for Christmas. Pat likes Rupert the Bear and Colm hates him (thinks he's a cunt) so thought I would knit them both an old fashioned Rupert scarf for a laugh.
I really hope that Pat finds himself a nice girlfriend that will go travelling with him and that will indulge him and look after him. He reminds me of myself when I was 25... except he's that bit wiser... and a lot less spoiled than I was. I'm really glad he's a friend. One of the few that can get past my obnoxious outer shell and who knows how to talk to me. I hope nobody ever breaks his spirit because he's just decent.
I am worried about Colm though. he and Eilidh are having so many problems it's unreal and I think it's going to end in tears. Colm is probably the one person apart from Debbie that I can tell anything to and I'm worried that something bad might happen. I think I will be ok mentioning this here because it's all first names and stuff... but he called me about a year or so ago in tears at 4am because he'd self harmed. You've got to understand that Colm is a sturdy wee Belfast boy and he's been through worse shit than anything that's happened lately... although the Meniere's diagnosis didn't help things. Ever since then i get really worried that something will tip him over the edge again. I went down to see him the day after as he didn't want me to come down after he called and I was the one that cleaned up the blood and the mess. Thankfully it was ok and he didn't scar... and he's never done it again. He says he felt like an arsehole after he did it. Colm can be a bit evasive and rubbish at responding to texts sometimes but I honestly think I'd crack up if anything happened to him. When he got diagnosed with Meniere's I found him lying on his couch where he'd been for three days crying his eyes out and my heart just about cracked. I wish Eilidh could see what she's doing... and I wish she would get some help because she really needs it. She lost her Dad and she's never got over it. I know we've all got skeletons but it's affecting her and Colm's lives when they both need to move on and be happy.
I'm so stupid pouring my heart out on the internet... who the fuck am I anyway? I don't know. Nobody really listens when I scream anyway so it's better to do it somewhere that nobody knows me. My problem is that I've always been so dramatic that people just got sick of my shit and couldn't offer me support. I've alienated so much potential happiness from my life.
But as I keep saying. I'm gonna stick my chin out and I'm going to find a way to get by and be happy. I know there will never be another love affair and I'll never be the dreadlocked bohemian spirit that I've always envied and been intimidated by... but I'll always be me. I'm just a bit of everything and that's all right. All I can do is admit my mistakes, accept life for what it is, and try to live my life with no regrets and having learnt from all the mistakes I've made so far.
It's crazy. In the midst of a mithering, teary moment, my heart as always is at breaking point... but I won't give up while there's souls that can be saved... underdogs that can be fought for... words collated on pictures... and while there's music to be heard.
"It's so easy to laugh, it's so easy to hate, it takes guts to be gentle and kind"...
