Pillthrill
Bluelighter
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Iowa, US
Posts: 3,530 Its all just so complicated. Actually, my mother says shes is sick of my complaining so I no longer speak to her about my problems or how I feel.
I understand where he is coming from. He thinks it will hurt less if I do off myself if I was just "some girl that he was dating" than "my girlfriend".
Its so hard really, last night taking harmful things from my hands as I fall to the floor crying. He comes down and pulls me up and all he wants is for me to listen and just stay there...
But nothing reaches me, especially after I've entered that dissociative state.
I told him that I wanted to tell him something and he didn't have to say anything, I said I loved him and he said it was only infatuation....
I'm good enough to take out, act like your gf, sleep with, but not enough for a title or him not negate how I feel. I really hurt. I can't help it. I'm BPD, I feel things so much stronger than everyone else love and pain.
So then because everything is black and white, I tried my hardest to drive him away from me, when all I wanted was for him to hold me. I hate being Borderline...pretty much sucks
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07-12-2008, 18:54 #27
drug_wench
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The Dark Side
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: auckland, nz
Posts: 7,158
ur mum needs to learn a bit more about ur disorder and b a supportive mum - wen ur depressed of course ur going to need someone to talk to about it! im sorry to hear u cant even talk to ur own mum
as for ur bf - hun, ur worth more than wat he has to give, which sounds very limited to me, but its ur call.....true love has no boundaries
can u talk to ur dad?
i had never heard of BPD until i met jacqui, and another chick who had it, nici, who i was in detox with and was very close to for awhile (unfortunately nicis gone back to IV meth and i just cant b around her selfish as that sounds - she said she wud do it in front of me, she needs it that much)
i learnt a lot about BPD and yes i learnt the negative things about it but one thing that struck me about both jacqui and nici - and i recognise this in u too pillthrill - is a true capacity to empathise and care for other ppl
i was very sick wen i was living in the halfway house with jacqui and 5 other alcoholic women twice my age
none of them understood anything about meth and opiates and why shud they? they had their own problem to deal with
but i tell u, wen ur still physically unwell from coming off suboxone, lonely cos ur the only drug addict among a bunch of older women who all shared the same DOC and watched coronation st for fun, and worst of all.....often going thru psychosis due to long-term drug use.....
well i used to regularly shut myself in my room and just shake and cry - and it was always jacqui who wud instinctively know - and care - that something was wrong, and she wud come and hold me tight and talk to me gently
nici was much the same - she was going thru meth withdrawal but she didnt suffer psychosis and she wasnt coming off opiates as well
she wud see me huddled in my room and shed come in and hug me and tell me it was all going to b ok - that i cud always count on her and come to her wen i was scared (thank god cos that was often)......she was even nice wen i threw up on her dressing gown
anyway im going off-track
there is plenty of good in BPD ppl that ive seen - maybe cos of their intense emotions
yes u cud call it a curse, but in some ways its a blessing too cos in some ways it makes u a really likeable person
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07-12-2008, 21:21 #28
Pillthrill
Bluelighter
Online:
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Iowa, US
Posts: 3,530 She has tried she read the "Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide". She was better for like a week.
My real dad is a asshole who basically has not part in my life because he allowed the abuse that likely help make me this way.
Borderline is a blessing and a curse, you feel SO strong, whatever feeling it is. You can connect well with other's feelings well that way. But it can also we painful.
I can often feel things are not right with people somehow...I help others, but never myself.
Pretty much the emotional hemophiliac ....
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07-12-2008, 21:41 #29
xxkcxx
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 119 Yeah, I have BPD too. I don't see it as a blessing in anyway though. I've lost a lot of people I love because I cling on really tight (being afraid of possible abandonment) and then they push away because I give them no space. I also never experience my own emotions because I just take on what everyone else feels.
Too bad there are no drugs for PDs. Just therapy and I hate therapy.
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07-12-2008, 21:46 #30
El Guapo
Bluelighter
Offline:
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 258 Quote:
Originally Posted by Pillthrill
I need to know that I matter, to someone, somehow...
Not acknowledging this, at this point, is simply irrational.
Look at how many responses you always get to your threads. So many people have positive things to say to you. The fact of the matter is, now matter how you feel right now, there are people out there/here that care for you.
I don't even know you and I rarely contribute in TDS, but if you killed yourself I'd definitely feel sad. There is never a good reason to kill yourself when you are so young and have so much life left. One thing to think about that might take your mind off things is learning. Along with the one positive thing per day mantra, try the "learn one thing per day" technique. I find that discovering new things and adding new knowledge is one of the easiest and most satisfying things you can do- especially with the internet. Make wikipedia your new best friend, you'd be surprised how quickly an hour or 2 can fly by when you are learning about all kinds of crazy shit.
Most of all- listen to the above advice, especially DW. You need to go to the hospital soon if you cannot stop thinking that suicide is a valid option. I'm positive that your family would appreciate a Christmas visit to the hospital rather than a Christmas visit to the cemetery.
Bluelighter
Online:
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Iowa, US
Posts: 3,530 Its all just so complicated. Actually, my mother says shes is sick of my complaining so I no longer speak to her about my problems or how I feel.
I understand where he is coming from. He thinks it will hurt less if I do off myself if I was just "some girl that he was dating" than "my girlfriend".
Its so hard really, last night taking harmful things from my hands as I fall to the floor crying. He comes down and pulls me up and all he wants is for me to listen and just stay there...
But nothing reaches me, especially after I've entered that dissociative state.
I told him that I wanted to tell him something and he didn't have to say anything, I said I loved him and he said it was only infatuation....
I'm good enough to take out, act like your gf, sleep with, but not enough for a title or him not negate how I feel. I really hurt. I can't help it. I'm BPD, I feel things so much stronger than everyone else love and pain.
So then because everything is black and white, I tried my hardest to drive him away from me, when all I wanted was for him to hold me. I hate being Borderline...pretty much sucks
Pillthrill
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07-12-2008, 18:54 #27
drug_wench
Moderator
The Dark Side
Online:
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: auckland, nz
Posts: 7,158
ur mum needs to learn a bit more about ur disorder and b a supportive mum - wen ur depressed of course ur going to need someone to talk to about it! im sorry to hear u cant even talk to ur own mum
as for ur bf - hun, ur worth more than wat he has to give, which sounds very limited to me, but its ur call.....true love has no boundaries
can u talk to ur dad?
i had never heard of BPD until i met jacqui, and another chick who had it, nici, who i was in detox with and was very close to for awhile (unfortunately nicis gone back to IV meth and i just cant b around her selfish as that sounds - she said she wud do it in front of me, she needs it that much)
i learnt a lot about BPD and yes i learnt the negative things about it but one thing that struck me about both jacqui and nici - and i recognise this in u too pillthrill - is a true capacity to empathise and care for other ppl
i was very sick wen i was living in the halfway house with jacqui and 5 other alcoholic women twice my age
none of them understood anything about meth and opiates and why shud they? they had their own problem to deal with
but i tell u, wen ur still physically unwell from coming off suboxone, lonely cos ur the only drug addict among a bunch of older women who all shared the same DOC and watched coronation st for fun, and worst of all.....often going thru psychosis due to long-term drug use.....
well i used to regularly shut myself in my room and just shake and cry - and it was always jacqui who wud instinctively know - and care - that something was wrong, and she wud come and hold me tight and talk to me gently
nici was much the same - she was going thru meth withdrawal but she didnt suffer psychosis and she wasnt coming off opiates as well
she wud see me huddled in my room and shed come in and hug me and tell me it was all going to b ok - that i cud always count on her and come to her wen i was scared (thank god cos that was often)......she was even nice wen i threw up on her dressing gown
anyway im going off-track
there is plenty of good in BPD ppl that ive seen - maybe cos of their intense emotions
yes u cud call it a curse, but in some ways its a blessing too cos in some ways it makes u a really likeable person
drug_wench
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07-12-2008, 21:21 #28
Pillthrill
Bluelighter
Online:
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Iowa, US
Posts: 3,530 She has tried she read the "Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide". She was better for like a week.
My real dad is a asshole who basically has not part in my life because he allowed the abuse that likely help make me this way.
Borderline is a blessing and a curse, you feel SO strong, whatever feeling it is. You can connect well with other's feelings well that way. But it can also we painful.
I can often feel things are not right with people somehow...I help others, but never myself.
Pretty much the emotional hemophiliac ....
Pillthrill
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07-12-2008, 21:41 #29
xxkcxx
Bluelighter
Offline:
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 119 Yeah, I have BPD too. I don't see it as a blessing in anyway though. I've lost a lot of people I love because I cling on really tight (being afraid of possible abandonment) and then they push away because I give them no space. I also never experience my own emotions because I just take on what everyone else feels.
Too bad there are no drugs for PDs. Just therapy and I hate therapy.
xxkcxx
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07-12-2008, 21:46 #30
El Guapo
Bluelighter
Offline:
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 258 Quote:
Originally Posted by Pillthrill
I need to know that I matter, to someone, somehow...
Not acknowledging this, at this point, is simply irrational.
Look at how many responses you always get to your threads. So many people have positive things to say to you. The fact of the matter is, now matter how you feel right now, there are people out there/here that care for you.
I don't even know you and I rarely contribute in TDS, but if you killed yourself I'd definitely feel sad. There is never a good reason to kill yourself when you are so young and have so much life left. One thing to think about that might take your mind off things is learning. Along with the one positive thing per day mantra, try the "learn one thing per day" technique. I find that discovering new things and adding new knowledge is one of the easiest and most satisfying things you can do- especially with the internet. Make wikipedia your new best friend, you'd be surprised how quickly an hour or 2 can fly by when you are learning about all kinds of crazy shit.
Most of all- listen to the above advice, especially DW. You need to go to the hospital soon if you cannot stop thinking that suicide is a valid option. I'm positive that your family would appreciate a Christmas visit to the hospital rather than a Christmas visit to the cemetery.