The highs and the lows

[illusiondelusion3]

I'm starting to think besides abusing drugs like I do, I may be bipolar, or just severely depressed again. One day l feel fine, good usually when I'm looking forward to doing some kind of drug. Other days I just feel like killing myself. I have felt so bad all day and it started off with me finding my boyfriend looking at craigslist personal ads in his history. We've been together for 4 months but had been friends for 3 years. Now I just feel distraught and like I wanna get really really high to take everything away. I really thought I had found somebody right for me and now this

 

[rollingstoned!]

Forget the labels of bipolar or depressed. Think real hard about why you are depressed and "trace" it back as far as you can. Then fix this. Why would you get high instead of taking it out on your boyfriend? Hell if you get mad at him he might get mad too and you might be able to fix things, or break up. Don't let someone else fuck yourself up indirectly (by you taking drugs).

 

[Uber_Penguin]

You saying that you feel fine when you're looking forward to doing drugs sounds very much like many people, including myself. You aren't weird in that, it just seems natural to feel like there's something to live for and get excited about when you know that in not too long you'll be high again.

As to the sentiment about wanting to just go do drugs to deal with your bf, I'd say that even if it feels like that would help at the moment, chances are that the longer you wait after the incident the harder it may become. To me at least it seems like it's easier to communicate my feelings when they're fresh, plus chances are things will just start to compound and get worse and worse if you just let it go. If it really bothers you I'd at least deal with it first and have the possibility of it turning out to not be as bad as you thought it would be. If you're still really sure you want to you can always just do the drugs after you've tried to deal with it.

 

[theartofwar]

"Casual" drug use will cause you to be in a constant state of fluxation - what drugs do you use ? These could be triggering a lot of the emotions you are feeling.

Start there imo. Work w/your boyfriend, if he cares you can work things out. Not every relationship will work sure, gauge your level of trust with him and try discussing what's going on with you.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Have you considered talking to him about this, or possibly getting some professional help?

There's a lot of people here that you can talk to as well.

 

[illusiondelusion3]

"Casual" drug use will cause you to be in a constant state of fluxation - what drugs do you use ? These could be triggering a lot of the emotions you are feeling.

Start there imo. Work w/your boyfriend, if he cares you can work things out. Not every relationship will work sure, gauge your level of trust with him and try discussing what's going on with you.

Yes I smoke weed everyday, which I definitely am dependent on, and if there's any kind of pills available I'll take those too. As long as they aren't uppers, but I don't discriminate with MDMA. I'll take opiates, benzodiazepines recreationally- about 2 or 3x a week for the past couple of years. Though I've noticed my drug use escalates when things around me seem horrible, whic is to be expected I guess.

Thanks for the advice though, I appreciate everybodys opinions and advice. I'm going to try to work out things with my boyfriend but it is so hard because I have a lot of trust issues and on top of that, don't enjoy life much at all

 

[illusiondelusion3]

Have you considered talking to him about this, or possibly getting some professional help?

There's a lot of people here that you can talk to as well.

Thanks. I really love the support here. Ive gotten professional help in the past but I'm afraid of antidepressants and when I first went on lexapro I didn't like how I felt AT ALL. So I stopped taking that in about 2 weeks. This was last year when I had depression very badly and I'm starting to feel the same way again

 

[illusiondelusion3]

Well, talked to the boy. Things are a bit better, and more resolved. He was glad I brought things up. However there's still a little twinge of mistrust in the back of my mind, but I feel like that will always be there. I'm in for a boring night tonight though, it seems. I have no weed and only codeine, which I don't take too often. It is for my endometriosis (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endometriosis. It is so DAMN HARD (!!!) to get a script for pain meds that I don't like to take them too often. What is everybody else doing?