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the highest of highs, the lowest of lows

Mellabopper

Mellabopper

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 16, 2000
Messages
3,811
Location
Boston
time to lose reality for a while
just let the pill take you to heaven
and back again
before it spits you out
and you look at yourself
and realize
what you have just done
to yourself
to others
it was a great night
the highest of highs
a smile plastered on my face
inspired
happy, even if artificial
but i was lost
set back from reality
in my own little world
a puddle,
a mess of myself
being over-friendly at times
without realizing it
what signals did i send?
that i never meant at all
i wasnt thinking
i'm sorry
it was the highest of highs,
but at the same time,
looking back,
it was the lowest of lows
had it not been me
and if in reality i had been walking around
and seen someone in the same state as myself
i would probably laugh at them
snicker
look down upon what they had done
to themselves
were they even paying attention to their surroundings?
were they even aware?
was i even aware?
at the time though,
did i even care?
what was i thinking?
how could i do that?
to you...
i cannot deny that it was amazing
but all the damage it has done
more than just physical damage
was it worth it?
i dont think so
will things go back to the way they once were?
i'm not sure
i can only hope for the best
going through life
you have regrets
you live and you learn
experiences make you whole
if one chooses to learn
they are better than some
who make mistakes but dont change a thing
and i,
i hope to learn from this
i'm just still trying to make the first step though
so as a promise to myself
i'm giving up the artificial happiness
for a while now
because yes at the time
i'm in complete ecstasy
but then i look back
and realize what a waste it was
so why -
why do i keep going back?
the fact that i cant answer that
makes me realize
that sometimes the highest of highs
and the lowest of lows
come hand in hand
and regret always follows
i'm sorry for what i did
and i can only
humbly
ask
for your forgiveness...
4-9-01
Mellabopper
 
Hmm...there is no need to punish yourself or apologize for crimes not committed.
Onward and upward, young bopper!
Dr. E-bow, PhLMNOP
------------------
Pretty soon I'll rejoin the stream of life. But it won't be the main-stream of life. There's no going back.
 
i realized those same things about a month or two ago. you see how bad people look, w/ their eyes rolled back into their heads.. they say theyve never been happier, never felt better... & it makes your stomach twist.. to know youve been them too many times. the feeling, its fake. the thoughts, theyre fake..... the best feeling is to know youre giving up the brain damage b/c you know you dont need a pill to love everything in your life.
 
i'm w/ ebow on this one.
as far as the poem is concerned, excellently written.
bc
 
Shit, thats how i've been feeling these last 2 weeks, i mean, i don't care how i look but i just know what i'm doing is wrong and fake and it's just momentary happiness.it's so hard to give up, because whenever i feel sad...which is alot, i just want another pill or any thing to make me feel better!
 
I agree with Ebow and bc. You are who you are in that moment. If someone doesn't understand the moment and what it means to you then they don't understand you at all.
 
how can people ever understand you if you present them with a chemically-altered version of yourself? you+ecstasy does not equal you. it's happiness at gunpoint. it's fake fake fake. my two cents.
 
8==D, i mean, dick, i mean, pen15
smile.gif

i disagree, you + mdma in many ways and in many people brings out the true person inside. this also goes for other chemicals such as psycadelics.
as for punishing yourself, its not the way to go. just be yourself and strive to make the right choices
its all about balance and composure
 
I've been feeling this way the last couple of weeks as well. I've spent two weekends around a bunch of rollers who were blowin' up out of their minds. Their eyes completely wide open and blacker than a Somali's asshole. I've never seen so many chattering teeth either. They just sat around in big lovey-dovey e-puddles swearing that they were in heaven as they rubbed each other up and down while inhaling copious amounts of Vicks vapors.
I took one good look and was totally turned away. I'm just glad I rediscovered dancing so I could experience my roll in a more constructive matter.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for that feel-good person-to-person connection you get from hugging and blowing up fellow rollers, but this kind of behavior shouldn't take up 100% of your experience.
People should try other expansive and explorative ventures if they want the full effect of their pill experience instead of limiting themselves to the addiction of e-ffection.
------------------
"I can't see! I can't see! Oh wait.... I just had my eyes closed the whole time."
"If Hare Krishnas believe in reincarnation, does that make them Born Again Krishnas?"
[email protected]
 
you+ecstasy does not equal you.
Click to expand...
No, you + ectasy = you at early childhood.
You have no social barriers (because they're torn down momentarily) and you don't know any better (because your sense of judgment diminishes in relation to how much you take).
------------------
"I can't see! I can't see! Oh wait.... I just had my eyes closed the whole time."
"If Hare Krishnas believe in reincarnation, does that make them Born Again Krishnas?"
[email protected]
 
I agree as well~ you shouldn't be punishing yourself so much, just learn from your experiences and take that knowledge with you when you move on. Also, i loved your poem, it makes me happy that you're still writing poetry (and still darn good at it too!!)
wink.gif
anne-marie
 
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