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H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist
-The- Heroin & Opioid Mega Discussion Thread (Volumes 1+2 Merged)
- Thread starter ocean
- Start date
Oxycodone, and I think you're right. It's kind of come back up on me again, mostly just feeling miserable and drained. Sort of feeling like I might be able to sleep again, I managed to pull off eight hours last night. From what I understand that's unheard of or at the very least, very uncommon. But man, I swear I feel like "I wish a fucker would!" right now!
**ADDED**
And yeah, I agree, it is a very rapid taper. But I said to myself, I either need to do this, or I'm not going to do this, ever. So I did it, and I went to work every day through it too, it was hell. It gave me a huge confidence boost to tackle the weekend with. But I miss it now, I really really miss it.
**ADDED**
And yeah, I agree, it is a very rapid taper. But I said to myself, I either need to do this, or I'm not going to do this, ever. So I did it, and I went to work every day through it too, it was hell. It gave me a huge confidence boost to tackle the weekend with. But I miss it now, I really really miss it.
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P0kemama
Bluelighter
Hey, you are doing great!!! Many people jump off with no taper at all... so a rapid taper is the compromise for those with longggg tapers and those that go cold turkey from their higher, regular dosages. Get that confidence back and hold onto it!!! Do NOT let your "addictive voice" steal this success away from you.
Of course, you will grieve for your meds... they were a part of your life for a little while. However it is time to start to remember all the fun/crazy/creative things you did before the pills took over. Start thinking of ways to fill your time that are meaningful.... and you will find you will miss the pills less and less!!
Of course, you will grieve for your meds... they were a part of your life for a little while. However it is time to start to remember all the fun/crazy/creative things you did before the pills took over. Start thinking of ways to fill your time that are meaningful.... and you will find you will miss the pills less and less!!
Thank you P0kemama, a recovering person needs to hear that their doing great. Last night was hell, I experienced what it was like to jump through a wall out of rage. It calmed me down though, as to be expected with any stupid physical activity. But only made me feel more destructive. I was having sleep fits, I'd fall asleep for 10 or 15 minutes, and then sweat so much and be soaked and it was too much to handle. Thank god it got light out again, the sunlight was a huge help. Then I forced myself to work out, harder than I've ever done it before. It's been a long time since I ever did that. After I went for a drive, and blasted loud music and through the adrenaline rushes of driving fast on my backroads out here, I was feeling happy and I almost forgot all about the negativity. It reminded me of what life was like before this, and I want that so bad that there is no addictive voice that's going to be strong off to pull me off this path. But my god, I wouldn't wish this pain on someone that I didn't like one iota. Admittedly though, when my wd started really taking over yesterday evening, the addictive voice almost won, but only because I was so disheartened as I thought I might have been lucky and worn through it already with my taper lol. I'm strong, I've been here before, I will get through this!
To anyone that's reading and going through it, please don't give up, you are NOT alone no matter how alone you might feel like you are!
To anyone that's reading and going through it, please don't give up, you are NOT alone no matter how alone you might feel like you are!
yes!! That's exactly the attitude to have! I'm sorry you started feeling icky last night (it's not surprising, given the doses you were on, that sleep is difficult), but just know that it will pass. There is no way out of it in the moment, and that is hard for people like us who are used to a quick fix. But if you keep going, you will make it through!
Do you have any comfort meds that you are using?
- VE
I have clonidine, immodium and melatonin that I have available. Clonidine doesn't really seem to do fuck all, and the immodium the same thing. Melatonin has really helped to relax me if nothing else, I was given the options of getting ativan, however I opted out, because of my addictive personality. I am very fearful at this vulnerable stage of subbing one thing for another. However, I do have some molly here, and I was putting some thought into a roll, wondering if the euphoria might help? Any thoughts?
^ ugh, I would pass on the Molly. It may help (slightly) in the short term but will leave your brain completely depleted of serotonin - which won't help your withdrawals at all.
Are you taking one or two Clonidines? I found that one did nothing but two helped a lot. Also, maybe try kava kava - I find it to be more relaxing than melatonin, personally.
- VE
Are you taking one or two Clonidines? I found that one did nothing but two helped a lot. Also, maybe try kava kava - I find it to be more relaxing than melatonin, personally.
- VE
P0kemama
Bluelighter
^ I agree... definitely pass on the Molly... you are doing really well.... just hang in there... and you are wise to pass on the benzos if you realize you have an addictive personality. Personally, I am surprised the clonidine isn't helping. It saved my life in 2012 when I went c.t. I calmed down, and felt so much better... I was given a patch though, so I don't know shit about dosages. Can you call a medical provider to ask about a safe and yet effective dosage?
I'm surprised the Clonidine isn't working, too. I mean you certainly feel like shit, with or without it - but it should make a difference. Do you have a way to check your BP by chance? Really, I found that most helpful when dosing Clonidine. When I had a BP spike I would take 2 and it would control the BP and heart rate for 3-4 hours during acute withdrawals and longer as time went on.
- VE
- VE
Problem with the chlonidine, is that I haven't got the money nor the access to the money to get it. I only had 6 of them on friday evening, and today I only have 2 left. They're not useless, they're just not helpful either, y'know what I mean? Also, the patch isn't an option for me either, at least not until Tuesday when I can actually see my doctor again, fuck even the pharmacies are closed this weekend in my town. I've never actually heard of Kava kava, what is it exactly and where might I find it?
I really appreciate you guys boosting my confidence and letting me know I'm doing well. My girlfriend has been with me the whole way as well. Biggest blow was my dad telling me not to call and that I'm dead to him. So thankful to have my girl with me through this, she is an amazing beacon of hope!
I really appreciate you guys boosting my confidence and letting me know I'm doing well. My girlfriend has been with me the whole way as well. Biggest blow was my dad telling me not to call and that I'm dead to him. So thankful to have my girl with me through this, she is an amazing beacon of hope!
cj
Bluelight Crew
Don't worry about family right now. In my experience they will get over whatever you did to piss them off eventually. Especially if they see you making an effort to get better.
Thanks CJ, I'm not worried in the slightest. Last night, I almost broke and did drugs. I pulled through, and I'm soooo glad I did, the worst is over now and I feel like a MILLION BUCKS! I'm still very, very sore, especially going up and down my stairs, but man I kicked my ass this round! I'm going to be a clean man again, soooooo proud of myself, and everyone else that is pulling through this!
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
This too shall pass. Bravo diuqil! You gots this, and if you ever slip up, remember it is nothing more than what YOU make it. Keep up the fantastic work! 
Yeah, I'm just excited to be able to think straight again for the time being. It's a bit up and down, but all in all, I feel like I've surpassed my own expectations in this. I won't slip up again, this is my fourth time through withdrawals. Thanks for continued support!
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
Not to beat a dead horse, but whether you slip up again or not isn't the point. You clearly want a better life for yourself, and that is what is most important.
P0kemama
Bluelighter
Diuquil: Is this really your fourth time through withdrawals? It seems as if these are not so bad, in terms of reading about people's experiences that their withdrawals get worse each time. Which time would you say was your worst withdrawal? By the way, you sound like you are really DONE this time!!
cj
Bluelight Crew
congrats man, Remember that feeling the next time you have a craving.
Toothpastedog, I appreciate what you are saying. I didn't really think of it in that light, I think I'll try to shift my thoughts to that instead of dwelling on not using anymore.
P0kemama, I would say that this time was emotionally the worst for me. I've been through withdrawals that were much, much worse physically, to the point that I was vomiting so much and cramping that I couldn't even focus on the mental aspects of it until that passed. That one was about almost two years ago, and in that time I had thoughts of ending my life by dosing a very high amount because of the amount of physical pain I was in. This go, I felt more desperate and anxious and so sad that I had let myself down a fourth time. What was different this time than the last time though, was that I actually managed a successful taper, and I accredit that to my withdrawals being less involved overall. When I did the rapid taper at the very end, I worked through it each day at my job, thinking back, I feel like that might have been the most difficult part next to the second day of full on withdrawal.
CJ I plan to try and remember this feeling for the rest of my life, it is an amazingly empowering feeling to be free of opiate pain-causers. I always love the part at the end when you feel like there's nothing you can't conquer.
I don't expect the coming weeks to be easy, but this time I've arranged for drug and alcohol counselling in my area once a week for the next 6 to 12 months as needed. And my GP is having me in once a week as well to discuss how I'm doing and to submit regular urine tests. I feel as though I backed myself into a position where it will be more difficult to start using again than to abstain. From this point on, everyone in my life who needs to know about my problems are aware of it, and each of them have stated that they're willing to support me and stand by me through this. I hope in time that it will encompass my family as well, but I'm not letting that part of it get me down. I've created a world for myself in my own mind where it's going to be more difficult for me to pursue a path of pain and suffering once again.
P0kemama, I would say that this time was emotionally the worst for me. I've been through withdrawals that were much, much worse physically, to the point that I was vomiting so much and cramping that I couldn't even focus on the mental aspects of it until that passed. That one was about almost two years ago, and in that time I had thoughts of ending my life by dosing a very high amount because of the amount of physical pain I was in. This go, I felt more desperate and anxious and so sad that I had let myself down a fourth time. What was different this time than the last time though, was that I actually managed a successful taper, and I accredit that to my withdrawals being less involved overall. When I did the rapid taper at the very end, I worked through it each day at my job, thinking back, I feel like that might have been the most difficult part next to the second day of full on withdrawal.
CJ I plan to try and remember this feeling for the rest of my life, it is an amazingly empowering feeling to be free of opiate pain-causers. I always love the part at the end when you feel like there's nothing you can't conquer.
I don't expect the coming weeks to be easy, but this time I've arranged for drug and alcohol counselling in my area once a week for the next 6 to 12 months as needed. And my GP is having me in once a week as well to discuss how I'm doing and to submit regular urine tests. I feel as though I backed myself into a position where it will be more difficult to start using again than to abstain. From this point on, everyone in my life who needs to know about my problems are aware of it, and each of them have stated that they're willing to support me and stand by me through this. I hope in time that it will encompass my family as well, but I'm not letting that part of it get me down. I've created a world for myself in my own mind where it's going to be more difficult for me to pursue a path of pain and suffering once again.
P0kemama
Bluelighter
It sounds like you gave a lot of thought into creating an action plan to hold yourself accountable as you continue with your recovery. I have much respect for you!
And thank you for providing details on your experiences going through withdrawal at different times. It is validating to hear that by tapering you were able to decrease the intensity of the physical part of the withdrawals. Adds to my motivation to keep on tapering so that when I am ready to jump off I am jumping in terms of inches, instead of yards.
You bet I did P0kemama, but it took me 3 unsuccessful attempts and a few years of OC abuse to get to this point. The other times, I gave up right after wd, I was convinced that I was cured and life was going to proceed as it did before I was addicted to this stuff. The high of leaving wd does end, right now I feel like I'm at the pink cloud phase, and I welcome vulnerability to join me for lunch and see what life is like without hiding. P0kemama, I appreciate you taking interest in my progress, let me know-if you don't mind that is- when you do take the plunge. I'd like to check up on you through the process and do my best to motivate you into leaving the life of suffering behind you! Good luck with the tapering though, I had no choice but to do a rapid taper, cause I kept doing all of the drugs.
I know now in this latest attempt that getting constant support is going to be an absolutely vital process for me in the coming months, maybe even years. Another thing that I've noticed on my journey this time, is that I'm no longer afraid to admit that I have a problem, but that problem makes me who I am. It's never going to leave me completely, but I have the power to accept it and live alongside it. At this point, I'd tell anyone that asks me where I've been, where I have been. And I'll do it proudly, with a smile and with determination. I have plans to attend NA meetings, and I'm actually looking forward to that thought, while in the past I was afraid of seeing my peers there. I can't wait to share my stories with everyone, I can't wait to help other people and I can't wait to keep getting help! Life is an amazing journey, despite the pain I've been through along the way, I will honestly say that if I could go back and do it again, I wouldn't do anything different. The reason behind this, is because I feel in a sense reborn, and had I not have been through what I have been, I would not be sitting here today, sharing these words with anyone.
P0kemama, my doctor told me something as well that I forgot to say in an earlier post, and that was that "Any progress is still progress, it doesn't matter what direction that progress is in, it is still making progress. Any relapsing, struggling and mistakes you make along the way all count towards that progress." and he also said each day at a time and the usual stuff, but that particularly stood out for me. Best of luck to you P0kemama, I do hope that you let me know how you're doing along the way!
I know now in this latest attempt that getting constant support is going to be an absolutely vital process for me in the coming months, maybe even years. Another thing that I've noticed on my journey this time, is that I'm no longer afraid to admit that I have a problem, but that problem makes me who I am. It's never going to leave me completely, but I have the power to accept it and live alongside it. At this point, I'd tell anyone that asks me where I've been, where I have been. And I'll do it proudly, with a smile and with determination. I have plans to attend NA meetings, and I'm actually looking forward to that thought, while in the past I was afraid of seeing my peers there. I can't wait to share my stories with everyone, I can't wait to help other people and I can't wait to keep getting help! Life is an amazing journey, despite the pain I've been through along the way, I will honestly say that if I could go back and do it again, I wouldn't do anything different. The reason behind this, is because I feel in a sense reborn, and had I not have been through what I have been, I would not be sitting here today, sharing these words with anyone.
P0kemama, my doctor told me something as well that I forgot to say in an earlier post, and that was that "Any progress is still progress, it doesn't matter what direction that progress is in, it is still making progress. Any relapsing, struggling and mistakes you make along the way all count towards that progress." and he also said each day at a time and the usual stuff, but that particularly stood out for me. Best of luck to you P0kemama, I do hope that you let me know how you're doing along the way!