psychoblast
Bluelighter
It occurred to me that I rarely stop to reflect on my life. And I was thinking, what was my happiest day ever? I have various days I could choose from, but here's the first thing that came to mind:
Graduation day.
The end of high school. The end of mandatory school. My relatives were in town, I wore a tie. And the medal. The valedictorian medal. Now tucked away in a box somewhere collecting dust.
See, in ninth grade, I was into grades. Good grades. The best grades. I realized that some one in my class would one day be High School Valedictorian. And I decided it should be me. I worked it all out. B's were 3.0, A's were 4.0. An A in an advanced placement class was worth 5.0. All I needed to do was get straight A's and take the most advanced placement courses, and it was mathematically impossible for me NOT to be Valedictorian.
Well, I hit a snag with one B+ in English Literature. But I console myself that that teacher (a short, stocky older woman) was later fired for having an affair with a boy a year younger than me. Of course, her physical flaws and age did not stop me from fantasizing about being that boy, having this stern looking woman demanding sexual gratification from me.
But I digress. I offset that B+ with an extra advanced placement course (six total), and got As in all my other classes through high school. Actually, mostly A-'s. See, I found out that when they computer your GPA, they chop the minus off. An A- was a 4.0, just like an A. So I did only as much work as I had to to get an A-. Which is why it surprised all the teachers that I was valedictorian, because I was not the "top" student in any field. But then I wasn't trying to be. I spent my spare time reading fantasy books and masturbating furiously, dreaming of the unknown splendor of a female lover. Sometimes to porn I shoplifted (this was before the internet).
And so, in my final semester of high school, the rest of my class finallly paid attention to grade point averages. At least the smart ones. And they all saw that if I got straight A's, I'd beat out the nearest 2 competitors by .01, the smallest possible increment. I won't leave you in suspense, I did it. I was valedictorian.
So, in a way, it was the culmination of four years of my life's attention. Though of course I'd have traded it in a split second to have gotten laid. But instead I graduated a virgin valedictorian.
My family looked on with pride as I received my diploma, wearing my valedictorian medal. Everyone was so happy. My friends were happy. It was a sea of thousands of people, all happy.
And after the graduation ceremony, all us graduates piled onto busses to go to Disneyland for Grad Night. Yes, I grew up in Southern California. A suburban white kid.
Anyway, my friends (all male, too, and probably as sexually frustrated as me, though we never discussed it) and I raced to our favorite ride, Star Tours. And there we were waiting in line when an amazing thing happened.
Melody came up with anotehr girl and guy. Melody was a girl in my class I'd never seen until Prom Night (my high school had about 500 students in each class). I was sharing a limousine to prom with two of my best friends, Jack and Brent. (By the way, if you need a limo in Vegas, try Life of Sin Limousine! The ones with flames down the front, totally tricked out!) So it was six of us, we three and our dates. And Jack's date was Melody.
She was a very beautiful girl, but very quiet and demur. She had curly brown hair falling to her shoulders. A slim, but curved body. She was probably about 5'4". I did not pay her much attention at Prom because I was enthralled my my date, Julia. A junior who was actually a last minute replacement for a totally hot blonde who had gotten back together with her boyfriend. But I had no regrets that night. Julia was athletically built, maybe 5'5", with short sandy brown hair. She had a biting wit and a great sense of humor, and to this day my "type" of girl is some one athletic, with short hair, who can call me on my shit with a quick wit. You've got that, you've got me bit time. Hell, your hair could even be long.
Anyway, Julia and I had an awesome time. Taking, eating, dancing. Our Prom was at the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Beverly Hills. It was a gorgeous atmosphere, I had a gorgeous date (in her light blue dress). And then the night was over and things got interesting...
We were riding the limo back to our homes (with a detour down Hollywood Boulevard to stick our heads out of the sunroof and scream at people). And when we were all settled in the limo for the ride back, Melody was sitting across from me, next to Jack. And she winked at me.
I was shocked! I was torn! She was with Jack, but she liked me! And then she winked again!! I could not do anything but what I did.... I winkd back. Secretly, away from everyone else, so only she could see. And she did. I don't know how many winks we traded on that drive, but I think I had a hard on the whole time, a tingling was in my cock greater than any I'd ever felt.
And when we stopped first, it was at Melody's house. She went up to her door, with Jack, and the rest of us debated if she'd kiss Jack. We agreed she shoulud. And then Jack was back, but not looking pleased. I think he understood Melody had not wanted to be with him that night, and I felt bad for him.
When I walked Julia to her door, we gave each other a brief, achingly sweet peck on the lips, and it was over. I said I wanted to call her again, and she said that would be fine.
But I never did call her. It was a few hectics weeks to graduation, and I was afraid. Afraid she only went to Prom with me to go to the Prom. Afraid I'd find out she didn't really want to go out with me. And so I suffered through those weeks without calling.
I ran into Melody a couple days later, and she gave me her number on a prom photo with the message "I enjoyed going to the Prom with you...especially the limo ride back!" But I didn't call her either. It seemed wrong. Wrong to do to Jack.
And here, on Graduation Night, Melody had found us. In retrospect, she must have been intentionally seeking me out. But at the time, it felt like fate. We let them cut in line with us. Jack (with me in line to begin with) tried tallking to her, but she shut him down pretty quick to stand by me. I was too distracted to pay him much mind though.
I don't recall what kind of small talk I made in that line, but finally we were seated in the dark ride, Star Tours. The funnest, completely nonsexual experience I can think of. Only now she was sitting beside me. And as the lights went out, and the ride began, her hand found mine. It sent a jold through me, directly to my loins like nothing I'd ever experienced. The ride went by in a blur of our hands caressing each other. And then it was over. We stood up and made our way out.
And still we held each other's hands. And the lights were on. And Jack saw, and was hurt. And I felt a stab of guilt, but could not let go that hand. And I let Melody pull me away from my friends, and we trotted off into the park with her two friends (one guy and one girl, in case you forgot).
I think we went straight to the Haunted House ride next. At least, I don't recall anything else before that. I don't recall the line. I don't recall anything but the touch of her hand. Until we were seated.
In case you don't know, the Haunted House ride has separate, egg-shaped cars that hold up to 3 people. I shared mine only with Melody. And as we sat there and began moving through the darkness, my instincts came over me and I leaned over and kissed her.
It was an awkward kiss, no doubt about it. Just lip rubbing lip. See, I didn't know about french kissing, had never heard of it and did not ever even conceive of it. So I just pressed my face to hers, moved it a little, then stopped. Awkward.
In my embarrassement, knowing I was doing something wrong but not sure what, I rode silently for a few moments. Then I decided, "Fuck it! I'm going to figure this out!" And I leaned back to her and kissed her and then it happened!
She put her tongue in my mouth. It was like an orgasm of shock! I could not imagine anything could feel so good, taste so good, there were no words to describe it, and even now I draw a blank. We frenched that whole ride, and I never wanted to stop frenching.
The rest of the night is also a blur, as I kept trying to find rides and places we could go where we could french kiss some more. I was in heaven! And eventually, it grew late. We went back to our busses. She and I were on separate busses, so we waited as long as we could kissing depserately in the Disneyland parking lot. Until we separated and I said I'd call her.
And I tried to avoid looking at Jack on that ride back, and I succeeded if my memory is to be trusted. I don't think we ever spoke again. And he was one of the nicest guys I'd ever known. And I still feel back for what I did to him.
But, overall, that night was the first that comes to mind when I think of the happiest day in my life. There have been other happy days, and nights, perhaps some even happier than that day. But that came to mind first, which probably means something. Perhaps I view that as the night my life really began.
In case you are curious, I did call Melody and we went out a week later. And it was awkward. First, I decided the main thing was to get alone together so we could pick up where we left off. So I planned to take her to the drive in. When I picked her up, I had to meet her father, and he asked what movie we were going to see. When I told him, he asked where that was playing, and I had to stammer "Uh... The drive in...." At the time, I thought I might have played it off okay, but in retrospect I am sure he knew exactly what I was thinking. It actually surprised me a little he did not become furious when I said that. Boy, was I young and stupid.
I recall that date mostly being me and Melody at the drive in, kissing. And then I very slowly started moving my hand across her sweater. Towards her breasts. And she tensed up, but then relaxed, and a new surge of electricity attacked my cock! Oh, God, the thrill of squeezing a woman's breasts! Looking back, I'm sure I was groping stupidly, possibly hurting her, but she took it well. However, when I tried to creep my hand under her sweater, she fought me off. I think we must have spent the last hour of the movie, frienching while I tried to slid my hand up to feel what it felt like to touch the soft, bare flesh of a girl's breast! And I never got to! So near, and yet so far, the one sensation I'd fantasized about more than anything else in my young life, more even than of the feel of my cock in a pussy, and now I was so near...but no. She kept refusing.
At times, I think we were almost physically struggling, and she would vocalize her "no!" In the end, we left the drive in both in bad moods, and I did not call her again. Not because she didn't let me touch her bare breast, but because I felt ashamed of how focused I'd been on touching her bare breasts, of what an animal I'd become over her body. I thought there was no way she'd want to date me again after seeing that side of me. And so I did not call. And that is another regret I long had.
I saw Melody again, a few years later, at a high school reuninion. The first I made it to. I was one of the more successful graduates, so I felt good that night, and I'd travelled from Las Vegas to go to it and see old friends. And she was there, looking just the same. And I apologized for being so aggressive at the drive in, and she said she did not recall me doing anything wrong that night (I don't know if she was just saying that or not). And the evening ended with us french kissing for a long time in the parking lot outside the reuninion. And we made a date to go ou the next night.
I showed up dressed fairly casually, Jeans and a decent shirt (I think it had a collar). And she was in some kind of long dress. Not so much conservative as.... matronly. Like something an old woman would wear. But I overlooked it, because of the kissing, and we went to dinner and a movie and then back to her place. And I won't keep you in suspense, we had sex. I fucked her like I was so hungry to so many years ago.
And she just lay there. She had a little smile on her face, but was not really moving much. By then, I had been with a number of women and never got this little response. And her body was not as firm as I had expected. And her bedroom was like some museum to her childhood, full of stuffed animals. Kind of creepy.
Having slept with her, I felt obligated to try to not just cut her off. But I lived in Las Vegas and she in Southern California, so it was easy to prevent a real relationship from developing. After a couple weeks of not talking to her, she called out of the blue to ask if she should worry about std's, because she was starting to see some one new. And I told her no, she had nothing to worry about, and that was that. I've never talked to her again. Though I have tried to call her, or thought of calling her, on various occassions through the years, when I wonder whether the object of so much lust so many years ago could not, in fact, be the pleasure I seem to keep looking for but never finding in this life.
But, more than anything, she was the essence of a guilty pleasure. She taught me the power of lust over loyalty. I knew I was hurting Jack, losing one of my best friends, even as I walked away with Melody. But there was no way I could choose differently than I did. And looking back, I still consider that one of my happiest days ever. But I do feel a little guilty for viewing it as such. Guilty because if I could do it over again, I don't think I would change a thing.
~psychoblast~
Graduation day.
The end of high school. The end of mandatory school. My relatives were in town, I wore a tie. And the medal. The valedictorian medal. Now tucked away in a box somewhere collecting dust.
See, in ninth grade, I was into grades. Good grades. The best grades. I realized that some one in my class would one day be High School Valedictorian. And I decided it should be me. I worked it all out. B's were 3.0, A's were 4.0. An A in an advanced placement class was worth 5.0. All I needed to do was get straight A's and take the most advanced placement courses, and it was mathematically impossible for me NOT to be Valedictorian.
Well, I hit a snag with one B+ in English Literature. But I console myself that that teacher (a short, stocky older woman) was later fired for having an affair with a boy a year younger than me. Of course, her physical flaws and age did not stop me from fantasizing about being that boy, having this stern looking woman demanding sexual gratification from me.
But I digress. I offset that B+ with an extra advanced placement course (six total), and got As in all my other classes through high school. Actually, mostly A-'s. See, I found out that when they computer your GPA, they chop the minus off. An A- was a 4.0, just like an A. So I did only as much work as I had to to get an A-. Which is why it surprised all the teachers that I was valedictorian, because I was not the "top" student in any field. But then I wasn't trying to be. I spent my spare time reading fantasy books and masturbating furiously, dreaming of the unknown splendor of a female lover. Sometimes to porn I shoplifted (this was before the internet).
And so, in my final semester of high school, the rest of my class finallly paid attention to grade point averages. At least the smart ones. And they all saw that if I got straight A's, I'd beat out the nearest 2 competitors by .01, the smallest possible increment. I won't leave you in suspense, I did it. I was valedictorian.
So, in a way, it was the culmination of four years of my life's attention. Though of course I'd have traded it in a split second to have gotten laid. But instead I graduated a virgin valedictorian.
My family looked on with pride as I received my diploma, wearing my valedictorian medal. Everyone was so happy. My friends were happy. It was a sea of thousands of people, all happy.
And after the graduation ceremony, all us graduates piled onto busses to go to Disneyland for Grad Night. Yes, I grew up in Southern California. A suburban white kid.
Anyway, my friends (all male, too, and probably as sexually frustrated as me, though we never discussed it) and I raced to our favorite ride, Star Tours. And there we were waiting in line when an amazing thing happened.
Melody came up with anotehr girl and guy. Melody was a girl in my class I'd never seen until Prom Night (my high school had about 500 students in each class). I was sharing a limousine to prom with two of my best friends, Jack and Brent. (By the way, if you need a limo in Vegas, try Life of Sin Limousine! The ones with flames down the front, totally tricked out!) So it was six of us, we three and our dates. And Jack's date was Melody.
She was a very beautiful girl, but very quiet and demur. She had curly brown hair falling to her shoulders. A slim, but curved body. She was probably about 5'4". I did not pay her much attention at Prom because I was enthralled my my date, Julia. A junior who was actually a last minute replacement for a totally hot blonde who had gotten back together with her boyfriend. But I had no regrets that night. Julia was athletically built, maybe 5'5", with short sandy brown hair. She had a biting wit and a great sense of humor, and to this day my "type" of girl is some one athletic, with short hair, who can call me on my shit with a quick wit. You've got that, you've got me bit time. Hell, your hair could even be long.
Anyway, Julia and I had an awesome time. Taking, eating, dancing. Our Prom was at the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Beverly Hills. It was a gorgeous atmosphere, I had a gorgeous date (in her light blue dress). And then the night was over and things got interesting...
We were riding the limo back to our homes (with a detour down Hollywood Boulevard to stick our heads out of the sunroof and scream at people). And when we were all settled in the limo for the ride back, Melody was sitting across from me, next to Jack. And she winked at me.
I was shocked! I was torn! She was with Jack, but she liked me! And then she winked again!! I could not do anything but what I did.... I winkd back. Secretly, away from everyone else, so only she could see. And she did. I don't know how many winks we traded on that drive, but I think I had a hard on the whole time, a tingling was in my cock greater than any I'd ever felt.
And when we stopped first, it was at Melody's house. She went up to her door, with Jack, and the rest of us debated if she'd kiss Jack. We agreed she shoulud. And then Jack was back, but not looking pleased. I think he understood Melody had not wanted to be with him that night, and I felt bad for him.
When I walked Julia to her door, we gave each other a brief, achingly sweet peck on the lips, and it was over. I said I wanted to call her again, and she said that would be fine.
But I never did call her. It was a few hectics weeks to graduation, and I was afraid. Afraid she only went to Prom with me to go to the Prom. Afraid I'd find out she didn't really want to go out with me. And so I suffered through those weeks without calling.
I ran into Melody a couple days later, and she gave me her number on a prom photo with the message "I enjoyed going to the Prom with you...especially the limo ride back!" But I didn't call her either. It seemed wrong. Wrong to do to Jack.
And here, on Graduation Night, Melody had found us. In retrospect, she must have been intentionally seeking me out. But at the time, it felt like fate. We let them cut in line with us. Jack (with me in line to begin with) tried tallking to her, but she shut him down pretty quick to stand by me. I was too distracted to pay him much mind though.
I don't recall what kind of small talk I made in that line, but finally we were seated in the dark ride, Star Tours. The funnest, completely nonsexual experience I can think of. Only now she was sitting beside me. And as the lights went out, and the ride began, her hand found mine. It sent a jold through me, directly to my loins like nothing I'd ever experienced. The ride went by in a blur of our hands caressing each other. And then it was over. We stood up and made our way out.
And still we held each other's hands. And the lights were on. And Jack saw, and was hurt. And I felt a stab of guilt, but could not let go that hand. And I let Melody pull me away from my friends, and we trotted off into the park with her two friends (one guy and one girl, in case you forgot).
I think we went straight to the Haunted House ride next. At least, I don't recall anything else before that. I don't recall the line. I don't recall anything but the touch of her hand. Until we were seated.
In case you don't know, the Haunted House ride has separate, egg-shaped cars that hold up to 3 people. I shared mine only with Melody. And as we sat there and began moving through the darkness, my instincts came over me and I leaned over and kissed her.
It was an awkward kiss, no doubt about it. Just lip rubbing lip. See, I didn't know about french kissing, had never heard of it and did not ever even conceive of it. So I just pressed my face to hers, moved it a little, then stopped. Awkward.
In my embarrassement, knowing I was doing something wrong but not sure what, I rode silently for a few moments. Then I decided, "Fuck it! I'm going to figure this out!" And I leaned back to her and kissed her and then it happened!
She put her tongue in my mouth. It was like an orgasm of shock! I could not imagine anything could feel so good, taste so good, there were no words to describe it, and even now I draw a blank. We frenched that whole ride, and I never wanted to stop frenching.
The rest of the night is also a blur, as I kept trying to find rides and places we could go where we could french kiss some more. I was in heaven! And eventually, it grew late. We went back to our busses. She and I were on separate busses, so we waited as long as we could kissing depserately in the Disneyland parking lot. Until we separated and I said I'd call her.
And I tried to avoid looking at Jack on that ride back, and I succeeded if my memory is to be trusted. I don't think we ever spoke again. And he was one of the nicest guys I'd ever known. And I still feel back for what I did to him.
But, overall, that night was the first that comes to mind when I think of the happiest day in my life. There have been other happy days, and nights, perhaps some even happier than that day. But that came to mind first, which probably means something. Perhaps I view that as the night my life really began.
In case you are curious, I did call Melody and we went out a week later. And it was awkward. First, I decided the main thing was to get alone together so we could pick up where we left off. So I planned to take her to the drive in. When I picked her up, I had to meet her father, and he asked what movie we were going to see. When I told him, he asked where that was playing, and I had to stammer "Uh... The drive in...." At the time, I thought I might have played it off okay, but in retrospect I am sure he knew exactly what I was thinking. It actually surprised me a little he did not become furious when I said that. Boy, was I young and stupid.
I recall that date mostly being me and Melody at the drive in, kissing. And then I very slowly started moving my hand across her sweater. Towards her breasts. And she tensed up, but then relaxed, and a new surge of electricity attacked my cock! Oh, God, the thrill of squeezing a woman's breasts! Looking back, I'm sure I was groping stupidly, possibly hurting her, but she took it well. However, when I tried to creep my hand under her sweater, she fought me off. I think we must have spent the last hour of the movie, frienching while I tried to slid my hand up to feel what it felt like to touch the soft, bare flesh of a girl's breast! And I never got to! So near, and yet so far, the one sensation I'd fantasized about more than anything else in my young life, more even than of the feel of my cock in a pussy, and now I was so near...but no. She kept refusing.
At times, I think we were almost physically struggling, and she would vocalize her "no!" In the end, we left the drive in both in bad moods, and I did not call her again. Not because she didn't let me touch her bare breast, but because I felt ashamed of how focused I'd been on touching her bare breasts, of what an animal I'd become over her body. I thought there was no way she'd want to date me again after seeing that side of me. And so I did not call. And that is another regret I long had.
I saw Melody again, a few years later, at a high school reuninion. The first I made it to. I was one of the more successful graduates, so I felt good that night, and I'd travelled from Las Vegas to go to it and see old friends. And she was there, looking just the same. And I apologized for being so aggressive at the drive in, and she said she did not recall me doing anything wrong that night (I don't know if she was just saying that or not). And the evening ended with us french kissing for a long time in the parking lot outside the reuninion. And we made a date to go ou the next night.
I showed up dressed fairly casually, Jeans and a decent shirt (I think it had a collar). And she was in some kind of long dress. Not so much conservative as.... matronly. Like something an old woman would wear. But I overlooked it, because of the kissing, and we went to dinner and a movie and then back to her place. And I won't keep you in suspense, we had sex. I fucked her like I was so hungry to so many years ago.
And she just lay there. She had a little smile on her face, but was not really moving much. By then, I had been with a number of women and never got this little response. And her body was not as firm as I had expected. And her bedroom was like some museum to her childhood, full of stuffed animals. Kind of creepy.
Having slept with her, I felt obligated to try to not just cut her off. But I lived in Las Vegas and she in Southern California, so it was easy to prevent a real relationship from developing. After a couple weeks of not talking to her, she called out of the blue to ask if she should worry about std's, because she was starting to see some one new. And I told her no, she had nothing to worry about, and that was that. I've never talked to her again. Though I have tried to call her, or thought of calling her, on various occassions through the years, when I wonder whether the object of so much lust so many years ago could not, in fact, be the pleasure I seem to keep looking for but never finding in this life.
But, more than anything, she was the essence of a guilty pleasure. She taught me the power of lust over loyalty. I knew I was hurting Jack, losing one of my best friends, even as I walked away with Melody. But there was no way I could choose differently than I did. And looking back, I still consider that one of my happiest days ever. But I do feel a little guilty for viewing it as such. Guilty because if I could do it over again, I don't think I would change a thing.
~psychoblast~
