Pyro
Bluelighter
The government creeps up from within. This time I cannot deny the truths that dance in front of my face. It reaches over to wisper in my ear some kind of gastly secret. Wincing in pain, I fall on my back again, flailing around like a tortise.
Even though I've fallen again, I won't give up. I find it hard to destory that mechanism that keeps me alive. That desire that keeps me from pulling the trigger. That desire that keeps me from even contemplating such ideas anymore. What is that mechanism? What is that surreal nothingness that creeps up from within? That nothing that keeps me walking in line, questioning silently.
Obviously it is that one thing I haven't figured out yet. That one thing among many things and thing a ma giggs. That idea... or maybe it's a thing. Maybe it is some kind of mass mind control program that is located somewhere out in the desert. Yeah, and if I wanted to be paranoid I would have already gone down that road before now.
Is it this same desire that lead me out to parties in the past? Is it the one that lead me down that crystal and flakey line? Is is that one that had me swallowing all those bitter little pills. Happiness was so easy - too easy. I look back at it all, and realize the irrationality of it all. The desperate struggle to find contentedness and some sense of peace, any sense of peace. But it was all a lie, chemically engineered bliss. I couldn't avoid looking at myself in the mirror, so I had to give it all up.
With a clear mind I look up into the trees and realize their awesome significance. I look into the sky and see the clouds passing me by overhead and take in a deep breath of brown air. I wake up early in the morning and stretch and yawn. I still get stressed out and I will fall down. With my sober mind, I am able to effect the environment around me in realistic ways. I am able to move mountians and then jump over them for fun.
I regret the wasted time, even though I worshiped the waste back then. Many times I'd come to the ultimate epiphany, "I'm just wasting time, that's all there is!!!" and then nothing. Back to nothingness. Back to emptiness. Back to struggling to understand. Back to tourtuing myself with chemicals.
Pyro
[ 17 July 2002: Message edited by: Pyro ]
Even though I've fallen again, I won't give up. I find it hard to destory that mechanism that keeps me alive. That desire that keeps me from pulling the trigger. That desire that keeps me from even contemplating such ideas anymore. What is that mechanism? What is that surreal nothingness that creeps up from within? That nothing that keeps me walking in line, questioning silently.
Obviously it is that one thing I haven't figured out yet. That one thing among many things and thing a ma giggs. That idea... or maybe it's a thing. Maybe it is some kind of mass mind control program that is located somewhere out in the desert. Yeah, and if I wanted to be paranoid I would have already gone down that road before now.
Is it this same desire that lead me out to parties in the past? Is it the one that lead me down that crystal and flakey line? Is is that one that had me swallowing all those bitter little pills. Happiness was so easy - too easy. I look back at it all, and realize the irrationality of it all. The desperate struggle to find contentedness and some sense of peace, any sense of peace. But it was all a lie, chemically engineered bliss. I couldn't avoid looking at myself in the mirror, so I had to give it all up.
With a clear mind I look up into the trees and realize their awesome significance. I look into the sky and see the clouds passing me by overhead and take in a deep breath of brown air. I wake up early in the morning and stretch and yawn. I still get stressed out and I will fall down. With my sober mind, I am able to effect the environment around me in realistic ways. I am able to move mountians and then jump over them for fun.
I regret the wasted time, even though I worshiped the waste back then. Many times I'd come to the ultimate epiphany, "I'm just wasting time, that's all there is!!!" and then nothing. Back to nothingness. Back to emptiness. Back to struggling to understand. Back to tourtuing myself with chemicals.
Pyro
[ 17 July 2002: Message edited by: Pyro ]
