The gears are grinding again...

[u4ia]

My life is subtly fucked up.

I'm "reasonably" invested in scholastic pursuits, this being my 4th year of college. Despite it turning into a 5 year degree, I was still somewhat surprised I'd let it get to the point that I'm now on academic probation. So if I fail either of my whopping two classes this semester, I get kicked out of [this?] college for at least a year, but by that point I'll have entered loan repayment (~30K) and will likely be unable/unwilling to finish my degree. I'm writing this because I'm dangerously close to giving up (as if I haven't!) since at this point I basically need to do extremely well in my Physics course the rest of the semester in order to pass...

My biggest problem is not being there. I wake up late. My face (acne) is unsettling. I have no friends. I work too much (although I love what I do-- full time, in my field).

When I wake up late, my first thought is FUCK, followed by some empty gazes and a tiny choking up feeling, knowing full and well each day provides some quantitative addition to the "I'm going to kill myself" fund.

I visited a mental health specialist last year, but after stupidly being honest and pouring my history of problems, he'd done nothing for me but referred me to a drug/alcohol counselor. The whole thing felt cheap--I never went after that. These days, I only smoke weed, but it's nearly (heh, who am I kidding, it is) everyday, only after work & school obligations and before sleep.

Without a doubt, I've been battling marked depressed for at least 1-1.5 years now, ever since I lost my last girlfriend and moved back with family. I've become extremely independent, but it's all charades. I'm dying on the inside: no one to talk to, periodically lonesome--I need the guiding direction of a woman to keep me in check. To be fair, however, most days I'm usually complacent and otherwise OK.

I'm not looking for a way out, I'm looking for the RIGHT way out. I owe it to my family to finish what I started. But I'm having such a difficult time making it work, and I can't justify letting someone down unless it is part of some "globally optimal solution" (1 step backward, 2 steps forward kind of thing), you know? The thought of flunking college scares the shit out of me, because I don't know what I'll do. I want to keep fighting, but I'm running out of hope.

There are people struggling to find places to sleep each night--am I just being dramatic? Any other people with similar stories involving dropping out of college/taking a break? What kind of experience is that? Is it wrong to consider this an option? Any other general advice or words of encouragement?

 

[Bojangles69]

Dude college drove me straight into a psychward its obviously a very stressful environment you can not doubt that.

I hated the fact that I was being almost forced to go to college just because my parents raised me with the belief that I wouldn't have financial problems if I did. There was always this very heavy obligation about the whole thing. Then consider the fact I was on opiates, and suffering from panic disorder at the time.

I can go into all the little details for drama, but to keep things short I wound up in a psychward trying to kill myself.

Although that was more caused by the drugs I was doing and my lifestyle in general than going to school.

Let me explain something though it took me 7 years to finish school and get my degree and I'm glad it turned out that way. Once I was like 23 and still not graduated my parents shut the fuck up about it and let me take my own time. This was also after the psychward visit so I assume they didn't wanna push me like they use to either. I told them basically I'm taking my time and doing it at my pace, even if I have to pay back a couple extra grand over it in tuition hikes which I did.

Do whatever you need to do to keep your brain healthy. When I was in college I basically dropped out of life not just college specifically. But I took a break from everything to get my mind in order. Stopped working, stopped going to school, stopped working out, said fuck the world basically. It helped me personally a lot because once I went back to school again, I was wayyyy more motivated. Wayyyy more mature and grown up. And it was much easier to get good grades and finish off with a 3.0 GPA.

Stop listening to what people want you to do and do what you want to do as this is your life. However I do recommend that you finish school no matter how you go about it. Just don't let obligations run you to the ground. Sometimes it does help to pull out of life and have those quiet introspective times where you look at your life from the outside. And it was something that helped me specifically. Don't know if it will help you but its sure as hell better than writing up your suicide plans everyday. And btw I don't think you are being dramatic I just think you have a very external locust of control like a lot of people do.

 

[xxsicknessxx]

Don't drop out. Do you think in a year your depression will get better becasue you dropped out? NO ... I think.. from exp. that if you drop out now you won't go back. A break will become (a long long break)

Get your shit together.. LIFE SUCKS AT TIMESSSS depression sucks... I have been there bro... you have to except it. You have to or you will end up with nothing. YOU can't let in controll you.. please listen.

Do what you must, talk to someone, do drugs, don't do drugs, take meds, don't... TRY TRY TRY keep trying till you get to normal again and keep at school. Push through it. You know you can do it, your choosing not to, your letting depression win. FUCK bro your life could get so so so much worse you don't understand becasue you are not there yet.

I have been there bro. I have been homeless, poor, broke, alone, sad, tried to kill my self, addicted, in withdraw so bad you can't even understand, I have been in mental hostpitals, rehabs, detoxes... time and time again I have ruined my life.. and depression has won..

NOW i fight it. Yes i take pills, suboxon. Thats it. It keeps the depression in check I still get my downs but I have ups to. I just follow my program I stick to it no matter if im sad or happy I have things I get done. Its not always easy but in the end it pays off. Im 6months sober, I have a place again, im going back to work, I have friends, I have food on the table.. man... my life is GREAT.. sure I don't have the toys, money, or drugs, but im ok with that. I have food, a place to live, and a life again.

get your life back.. please don't give in to depression once it wins... once you start giving up your life to it, its over bro. You can't do things over in life, its not a game. You got something to live for.. just make a list

school work, work, shower, clean... bla bla .. and stick to it every single day and in the spare time start trying new things for your depression.

drugs, meditation, mental help, eating habits, health, working out, sleep.. who knows what will work for you but you sure won't if you don't try.

good luck, i wish you the best. don't give up don't man DONT!

 

[herbavore]

I'm not looking for a way out, I'm looking for the RIGHT way out. I owe it to my family to finish what I started. But I'm having such a difficult time making it work, and I can't justify letting someone down unless it is part of some "globally optimal solution" (1 step backward, 2 steps forward kind of thing), you know? The thought of flunking college scares the shit out of me, because I don't know what I'll do. I want to keep fighting, but I'm running out of hope.

There is no timetable. Still, having said that,I can understand your confusion because you have invested 4 years and now you have only one to go. But if you are in a terrible mental space that one year could turn into more and that would be worse. Why do you feel you owe it to your family? I take it they are helping you financially? Even if they are, your responsibility is to take care of yourself. Could you have an honest discussion with them about the depression? Whatever you decide to do---power through the next year or take a break--your priority should be your mental health. When you treat the inside, everything on the outside just falls into place so much easier.

Good luck and keep coming here. It helps to mull things out with other people.

 

[effie]

I'm so sorry you're having such a bad time. As others have said, college can be really very stressful, especially if you are battling depression on top of that. I agree with Herbavore - your mental health is more important than anything. I was depressed while I was at university too, and I had a great deal of difficulty one year. I spoke to my tutors and the college about it, and they were fantastic - gave me extra time and really helped and supported me. It sounds like you are dedicated to what you do, and are a good student - I'm sure they won't want to lose you. Is there anyone at college you trust, who you could talk to and explain your fears? It would be a weight off your mind if you could do that, it helped me enormously..

Other than that, I agree that talking to your family sounds like a really good idea. Would you consider going to see someone else about your mental health, get a second opinion?

I understand feeling exhausted and hopeless and wanting to give up, but please don't - you may need a break from it all, but there is definitely hope and light at the end of the tunnel. You just need a bit of help and support at the moment I think. Good luck, let us know how things go