The Fuck-Up that might've been the last straw.

[tubgirl.jpg]

So, I'm gonna try to make this short.

I live with my dad after moving home from abroad, and he's had a pretty bad problem with alcohol.
He's seeing a psychiatrist and takes Mirtazapin. He's a brand new person, or, the old dad before the booze possessed him.
He's my inspiration, having climbed up the holes he has.

Anyway, a few weeks before christmas, he drank a few beers. Three, to be exact,
I was high as fuck on Valium, and snapped at him for some reason, asking him why he would gamble like that.
It got ugly, fast.

I ate 30 X 10mg diazepam (don't ask me why) and blacked out. This was thursday.
I barely remember work at friday. Felt woozy all weekend.
My dad and I worked it out. He truly is a great human, despite his flaws.

So I show up on monday, and my boss calls me to my office. Someone in the staff (my "family", as they call it there) snitched on me, saying I was acting weird.
Probably was, but personally I'd never snitch on a co-worker, even the ones I have cut-throat day dreams about.
So, they said I had to take a drug-test.

So I did.

The results read; diazepam, alprazolam, amphetamine, MDMA (took the night before) and Lyrica.
I quit, on the spot. I would've been fired anyway.

The work was supposed to be over summer, but I got extended employment. So I told my dad that they didn't need me right now.

And I feel like shit for lying. It claws at me from within, vicious anxiety with talons like a fucking hawk.

What the fuck do I do now? I'm addicted to heroin and benzos, and just lost my income.
One fucking mistake. One stupid mistake.

Sorry, this thread makes no sense I'm sure. I just have no one to talk to about it.

 

[Painful One]

I’m sorry this happened to you.

It makes sense and don’t worry, you are not the only one that this kind of thing has happened to.
It is embarrassing that is for sure. Not to mention stressful as you need money or you are going to be in a world of hurt soon.
Damn snitches! It is the holidays! Mind your own business!

Your dad has probably had this happen himself.
I think he would be understanding if you just told him the truth and he would most likely help you.
He knows what it is like to have a problem with substances.
I think you might be surprised at his reaction and it would most likely bring the two of you closer.
He could also help you. He has overcome a problem with alcohol and that is the worst!
Talk to him. Don’t be ashamed. We all have our problems in life. ALL of us. In one way or the other have problems.

You can always get another job but you will need to keep it together in order to do so.
Most businesses don’t drug test unless you give them a reason to.
Just go in with confidence and sell yourself.

I am here if you want to talk and people do care here. We understand also.

PS: PLEASE do not ever take that many benzodiazepines again!
That could have killed you. We are glad you are still with us.
That is the main thing.
❤

 

[snagglepuss]

Hey pulverstaden...im sorry this happened to you..your story sounds very familiar.I was holding it together at my job,when i got called for a random drug test..I told my boss i wouldn't pass because i smoked pot...When all the while im on heroin..He told me to take it anyway.. just in case i pass but i just quit on the spot..


Advice....
Well that was almost 3 years ago..I can offer u advice base on my experience..Whatever you do....don't wait to take action...either try to get clean off drugs..and find another job.......or....... Just find a job while being a addict...(a good one..ya thats easy)

I waited now everything is fucked..unless u make money easily..the stress from just trying support yourself and your habits is so difficult..it sounds like u have some support at home .if u need it......god bless you

 

[Mafioso]

One of my favorite quotes that I can't remember exactly goes something along the lines that "there is no failure so long as you are still trying". Of course, things do not always go as planned, and we make mistakes and do things we regret, burn bridges and so on... but one of the things I'm learning each day is that we must keep pushing onward, putting positive energy out and keeping our eyes open for the opportunities. Discipline yourself with structure and program rather than beating yourself up and allowing yourself to fall into depression and regret. It's a daily struggle for me and many of us. Conquer the mental blocks so you can focus on the real issues.

You could get cleaned up, able to pass a drug test and then go back in and apologize and ask for a chance for re-employment at your old place of work, or there are always other places to find employment. SOmetimes starting fresh is the best option, you don't have to tell your new employer exactly what happened. It's up to you how much personal information you want to disclose in a job interview/resume.

Addicted to heroin and benzos, no income... if possible at all, I'd stock up on benzos and stick to a strict taper plan. Have a trusted friend or family member enforce this if possible so there is no room for error. It might be advisable to check into a medical detox if that is an option for you, or at least speak to your GP about what options you have- maybe he/she can provide some meds to help ease the WD's and keep you from the worst(seizures and psychosis, or coma and worse...)


If you and your dad are on good terms, it might be a time to come completely clean with him again. He might have some helpful advice, or at least be willing to hear you out and offer some comfort- not sure how your relationship is. If that sounds like a risky idea, then maybe find someone else to talk to- but you need someone. We are here... I hope you are doing welll, would love to hear an update. I'm currently dealing with some heavy depression after getting off benzos for the umpteenth time I can't even keep track anymore, become a chronic relapse on them. It's probably about time I get some professional help again, as things have been getting tough for me lately. I've always found speaking to a alcohol/drug counselor(one that I can actually connect with) to be pretty beneficial- I tend to get stuck in my head and get really down on myself and hold myself back. Staying consistent in my exercise is key to my recovery as well, something I struggle with, but I'm not giving up, slowly getting better... it's a marathon process.

Hope you're doing ok...

 

[Isnortice91]

So, I'm gonna try to make this short.

I live with my dad after moving home from abroad, and he's had a pretty bad problem with alcohol.
He's seeing a psychiatrist and takes Mirtazapin. He's a brand new person, or, the old dad before the booze possessed him.
He's my inspiration, having climbed up the holes he has.

Anyway, a few weeks before christmas, he drank a few beers. Three, to be exact,
I was high as fuck on Valium, and snapped at him for some reason, asking him why he would gamble like that.
It got ugly, fast.

I ate 30 X 10mg diazepam (don't ask me why) and blacked out. This was thursday.
I barely remember work at friday. Felt woozy all weekend.
My dad and I worked it out. He truly is a great human, despite his flaws.

So I show up on monday, and my boss calls me to my office. Someone in the staff (my "family", as they call it there) snitched on me, saying I was acting weird.
Probably was, but personally I'd never snitch on a co-worker, even the ones I have cut-throat day dreams about.
So, they said I had to take a drug-test.

So I did.

The results read; diazepam, alprazolam, amphetamine, MDMA (took the night before) and Lyrica.
I quit, on the spot. I would've been fired anyway.

The work was supposed to be over summer, but I got extended employment. So I told my dad that they didn't need me right now.

And I feel like shit for lying. It claws at me from within, vicious anxiety with talons like a fucking hawk.

What the fuck do I do now? I'm addicted to heroin and benzos, and just lost my income.
One fucking mistake. One stupid mistake.

Sorry, this thread makes no sense I'm sure. I just have no one to talk to about it.

Are some of those pills you mentioned prescribed to you?.
If so just tell you're dad that the pills got you fired or something. Don't worry about it.
It's not like you stole you're dad's credit card and bought a ounce of coke.
You are still in a chill position in life. You should just try finding another job. That's it don't stress on it anymore.

 

[Benzorider]

Hur går det för dig mannen?

 

[Painful One]

One of my favorite quotes that I can't remember exactly goes something along the lines that "there is no failure so long as you are still trying". Of course, things do not always go as planned, and we make mistakes and do things we regret, burn bridges and so on... but one of the things I'm learning each day is that we must keep pushing onward, putting positive energy out and keeping our eyes open for the opportunities. Discipline yourself with structure and program rather than beating yourself up and allowing yourself to fall into depression and regret. It's a daily struggle for me and many of us. Conquer the mental blocks so you can focus on the real issues.

You could get cleaned up, able to pass a drug test and then go back in and apologize and ask for a chance for re-employment at your old place of work, or there are always other places to find employment. SOmetimes starting fresh is the best option, you don't have to tell your new employer exactly what happened. It's up to you how much personal information you want to disclose in a job interview/resume.

Addicted to heroin and benzos, no income... if possible at all, I'd stock up on benzos and stick to a strict taper plan. Have a trusted friend or family member enforce this if possible so there is no room for error. It might be advisable to check into a medical detox if that is an option for you, or at least speak to your GP about what options you have- maybe he/she can provide some meds to help ease the WD's and keep you from the worst(seizures and psychosis, or coma and worse...)


If you and your dad are on good terms, it might be a time to come completely clean with him again. He might have some helpful advice, or at least be willing to hear you out and offer some comfort- not sure how your relationship is. If that sounds like a risky idea, then maybe find someone else to talk to- but you need someone. We are here... I hope you are doing welll, would love to hear an update. I'm currently dealing with some heavy depression after getting off benzos for the umpteenth time I can't even keep track anymore, become a chronic relapse on them. It's probably about time I get some professional help again, as things have been getting tough for me lately. I've always found speaking to a alcohol/drug counselor(one that I can actually connect with) to be pretty beneficial- I tend to get stuck in my head and get really down on myself and hold myself back. Staying consistent in my exercise is key to my recovery as well, something I struggle with, but I'm not giving up, slowly getting better... it's a marathon process.

Hope you're doing ok...

Just giving you some Love and Support my friend!

Good work on tapering off the benzo’s. That is no easy task.
I hope you feel better real soon!

You are very brave and you got this!
You will be in my thoughts and prayers!
Be Well.

With Love,
P.O.

 

[tubgirl.jpg]

I’m sorry this happened to you.

It makes sense and don’t worry, you are not the only one that this kind of thing has happened to.
It is embarrassing that is for sure. Not to mention stressful as you need money or you are going to be in a world of hurt soon.
Damn snitches! It is the holidays! Mind your own business!

Your dad has probably had this happen himself.
I think he would be understanding if you just told him the truth and he would most likely help you.
He knows what it is like to have a problem with substances.
I think you might be surprised at his reaction and it would most likely bring the two of you closer.
He could also help you. He has overcome a problem with alcohol and that is the worst!
Talk to him. Don’t be ashamed. We all have our problems in life. ALL of us. In one way or the other have problems.

You can always get another job but you will need to keep it together in order to do so.
Most businesses don’t drug test unless you give them a reason to.
Just go in with confidence and sell yourself.

I am here if you want to talk and people do care here. We understand also.

PS: PLEASE do not ever take that many benzodiazepines again!
That could have killed you. We are glad you are still with us.
That is the main thing.
❤

Thank you sincerely for that answer.
I took your advice, came clean, and spent almost three months bedridden, feeling like shit.

I am however, clean now. I forgot to menrion they found heroin in my blood aswell. But I managed to kick H, benzos, flushed the Lyrica. I also lost about 15kg, and I was slender before, so that has been a struggle. But I'm getting there.

I'll answer all you lovely poeples post when I get home.

I got a new job, and life does not resemble the worst toilet in Scotland as portrayed in Trainspotting anymore.


You guys have hearts if gold, even if those hearts pumps opiates and dissos and acid and what it.

I am teuly grateful for your support. Sorry about the absen e.
Take care brother & sisters

 

[tubgirl.jpg]

Hur går det för dig mannen?

Sakta men säkert, hehe. När den värsta skammen lagt sig kan man bara skratta.
Tack för omtanken bror (syster?), grymt med en annan suedi här.

Fred&kärlek homie

 

[tubgirl.jpg]

Hey pulverstaden...im sorry this happened to you..your story sounds very familiar.I was holding it together at my job,when i got called for a random drug test..I told my boss i wouldn't pass because i smoked pot...When all the while im on heroin..He told me to take it anyway.. just in case i pass but i just quit on the spot..


Advice....
Well that was almost 3 years ago..I can offer u advice base on my experience..Whatever you do....don't wait to take action...either try to get clean off drugs..and find another job.......or....... Just find a job while being a addict...(a good one..ya thats easy)

I waited now everything is fucked..unless u make money easily..the stress from just trying support yourself and your habits is so difficult..it sounds like u have some support at home .if u need it......god bless you

Thank you man, really.

As of now, in my new workplace, I'm keeping clean. I still smoke bud some nights to ease the angst of everything I've ruined, but other than that, I'm stickning to weed and the occasional LSD-trip when I have vacation.

In my orevious job I was a headbarista, in charge if a café. Topdog. I did ALOT of morphine, H, speed and acid while working. But never benzos. Thats my culprit. Benzos turn me, like most folks, into a fucking thieving, violent deliquent.

Thanks for The support, I hope you are allright. Feel free to hit me up if you wanna talk. Love&prosper man

 

[tubgirl.jpg]

Are some of those pills you mentioned prescribed to you?.
If so just tell you're dad that the pills got you fired or something. Don't worry about it.
It's not like you stole you're dad's credit card and bought a ounce of coke.
You are still in a chill position in life. You should just try finding another job. That's it don't stress on it anymore.

Yeah, I had lyrica. I have a collapsed disc, two, in my neck, which eventually drove me to H for some relief.

I did get another job. Oddly, thats never been a problem. Guess Im a manipulativ Fuck, hehe.

Anyway, thank you for caring, really.
Youre good people.

 

[euphoricc]

ok listen to me u can talk to me when ever u need BLESSING IN DISQUIZE TRUST ME UR WAS GOING NO-WHERE FAST~!!!!!!!!! SLOW DOWN SOBER UP~!!!!!!!!! LOSING UR INCOME MIGHT JUST SAVED YOUR LIFE

 

[tubgirl.jpg]

ok listen to me u can talk to me when ever u need BLESSING IN DISQUIZE TRUST ME UR WAS GOING NO-WHERE FAST~!!!!!!!!! SLOW DOWN SOBER UP~!!!!!!!!! LOSING UR INCOME MIGHT JUST SAVED YOUR LIFE

Thank you, so much.
During this period, death was all I could think of. I longed for it. I took decisions that lead me closer to that brink.

I O.D and was dead for 2 minutes, and those two minutes were such relief, so I wanted it. Craved it.

Losing my job definately saved my life.

I'm staying "sober" now. Some weed now and then. I was on speed for five months.

Since quitting I've done speed once, when I was writing my novel - for that purpose, I told my dad, did a line and gave him the rest. I have no desire to use that like I once did. This was about a month ago. I have no cravings. Being sober for more than a few days for the first time in almost a decade, its a trip.

My wits are returning. My sexdrive, my humor, my patience: looking in the mirror I no Longer see the skinn, angry man caught in a chokehold of psychoactives.
I see the boy I was before all this.

What hurts me the most, though, is all the people I've let down. My wonderful ex. She was a ray of sunshine and I was heavy hail under black skies. My friends, whom I ignored to be high and lonesome.

I've missed weddings, funerals, births, vacations - how do I cope with this?
Everything smells like gasoline, and I'm well aware I held the matches.

I want to talk to a psychiatrist, but they'd lock me up and put me on haloperidol in a straight jacket.

Anyway, Im ranting. Thank you guys, you are truly awesome.

 

[PtahTek]

Benzos turn me, like most folks, into a fucking thieving, violent deliquent.

Damn... thought that was crack. lol But yeah; at high doses it can cause rage.

What hurts me the most, though, is all the people I've let down.

Bro.., that feeling of not being on par forever may be a saving grace.
1) This may help one from future usage/abuse as it definately helps me in this regard. I can think of copping shit and get that "i gotta have it" with adrenaline to push me out to get whatever. Then I sit a minute in silence and think of what damage it has caused. This brings the adrenaline down someway (guess the thoughts of doom may negate the push, IDK). Afterwards I just forget about it til the next time and deal with it as it comes.
2) This can be a saving factor to others as without the experience of going through what you did one can only repeat what one has read/heard and it is empty of any real conviction.
3) It helped you grow and this will reflect on your surroundings and can turn something dying into a life giving experience. Not just people, but work surroundings, public get-togethers, future endeavors etc.
You have some light now and others will undoutedly "plug" into that and give hope, happiness and a future for them. This is draining and may cause one to go back to get away from it all. It happens... to me. Best wishes and congrats on beating down some dragons. Dragons cannot be killed in my domain only controlled through trickery and knowing my self-worth.
One Love,
Ptah

 

[tubgirl.jpg]

Damn... thought that was crack. lol But yeah; at high doses it can cause rage.

Bro.., that feeling of not being on par forever may be a saving grace.
1) This may help one from future usage/abuse as it definately helps me in this regard. I can think of copping shit and get that "i gotta have it" with adrenaline to push me out to get whatever. Then I sit a minute in silence and think of what damage it has caused. This brings the adrenaline down someway (guess the thoughts of doom may negate the push, IDK). Afterwards I just forget about it til the next time and deal with it as it comes.
2) This can be a saving factor to others as without the experience of going through what you did one can only repeat what one has read/heard and it is empty of any real conviction.
3) It helped you grow and this will reflect on your surroundings and can turn something dying into a life giving experience. Not just people, but work surroundings, public get-togethers, future endeavors etc.
You have some light now and others will undoutedly "plug" into that and give hope, happiness and a future for them. This is draining and may cause one to go back to get away from it all. It happens... to me. Best wishes and congrats on beating down some dragons. Dragons cannot be killed in my domain only controlled through trickery and knowing my self-worth.
One Love,
Ptah

I have been numb for so long, something burst when I read this.
It weird when you havent cried in so long, it's like learning it again.
All of the above felt like a fucking hug. And the third one broke my heart a bit.
I really needed to hear that, pathetically so.

I like your dragon analogy. I thought I slayed mine, over and over and over again .
It turned out to be a medusa, wih the head that kept keeps growing back.

Gotta sleep. You truly are collective of caring souls.

Thanks for lisening to my spewing.

I wish you a happy weekend, I will mos certanily take your advice.
You're a good person, thanks for that.

 

[euphoricc]

Thank you, so much.
During this period, death was all I could think of. I longed for it. I took decisions that lead me closer to that brink.

I O.D and was dead for 2 minutes, and those two minutes were such relief, so I wanted it. Craved it.

Losing my job definately saved my life.

I'm staying "sober" now. Some weed now and then. I was on speed for five months.

Since quitting I've done speed once, when I was writing my novel - for that purpose, I told my dad, did a line and gave him the rest. I have no desire to use that like I once did. This was about a month ago. I have no cravings. Being sober for more than a few days for the first time in almost a decade, its a trip.

My wits are returning. My sexdrive, my humor, my patience: looking in the mirror I no Longer see the skinn, angry man caught in a chokehold of psychoactives.
I see the boy I was before all this.

What hurts me the most, though, is all the people I've let down. My wonderful ex. She was a ray of sunshine and I was heavy hail under black skies. My friends, whom I ignored to be high and lonesome.

I've missed weddings, funerals, births, vacations - how do I cope with this?
Everything smells like gasoline, and I'm well aware I held the matches.

I want to talk to a psychiatrist, but they'd lock me up and put me on haloperidol in a straight jacket.

Anyway, Im ranting. Thank you guys, you are truly awesome.

OMG YOU ARE ON THE PATH~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LISTEN I AM NOT 100% SOBER JOKER I TAKE SUBLOCADE-KLONOPIN-GABAPENTIN-REMRON-WEED~!!!!!!!! BUT THEY ALL PRESCRIBED TO ME. keeps me away from the devil.......................

 

[PtahTek]

All of the above felt like a fucking hug. And the third one broke my heart a bit.
I really needed to hear that, pathetically so.

The post comes from experience and struggling with addiction(s).
It was a huge fucking hug, mate. Biggest I could give by proxy.
Crying tells me you still have a soul... it is not caged by status quo. I love to cry as it keeps my blue eyes shiny and moist. Nah... the salt from tears has etched furrows down my cheeks. I am not afraid of crying anymore some may say it is weakness that is old school mentality. We have tear duct and cry for reasons.
Brother move ahead. If a falter happens fuck it keep moving forward. Dont let it stop or retard your aims at life. Something tells me you are a chosen one to make atonement for humanity. Save us bro. I got your 6 and cna offer protection. Not just talkin' shit, mate. There is something there and I personally wanna see it grow and produce fruit.
Please do not leave us hanging come back once in a while at least and give an update? It may give hope, inspiration or a chance of survival to some and encouragement to others (as myself).
Thank you for your kind words. It has encouraged me and that is something to shed a tear over... from being awed.
Take care and take control over what world you create for yourself and others. In the last decade or so I had this "revelation": We all create our own worlds or create worlds for others. Creating worlds for others is profitable in its own fashion -not talking monies her - but when we decide it is time to create our own world(s) it brings more strength and one can (if one wishes) fit others into your world. But the others need to understand that they do have the creative power to do so... these powers are tapped by babylon to use it to build their tower to reach "god". It is futile IMO as people are not as dumb as they think and there is a balance in all.
Peace brother and be safe.
Ptah

 

[euphoricc]

LISTEN US BENZO PEOPLE KNOW HOW DIFFUCULT THIS IS WE stick together~!!!! be safe brudah~!!!! or sis

 

[euphoricc]

i say that s i eat 3 mg of klonopin ooooooooo wellllll see how lockdown does to you~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Specified]

Damn... thought that was crack. lol But yeah; at high doses it can cause rage.

Bro.., that feeling of not being on par forever may be a saving grace.
1) This may help one from future usage/abuse as it definately helps me in this regard. I can think of copping shit and get that "i gotta have it" with adrenaline to push me out to get whatever. Then I sit a minute in silence and think of what damage it has caused. This brings the adrenaline down someway (guess the thoughts of doom may negate the push, IDK). Afterwards I just forget about it til the next time and deal with it as it comes.
2) This can be a saving factor to others as without the experience of going through what you did one can only repeat what one has read/heard and it is empty of any real conviction.
3) It helped you grow and this will reflect on your surroundings and can turn something dying into a life giving experience. Not just people, but work surroundings, public get-togethers, future endeavors etc.
You have some light now and others will undoutedly "plug" into that and give hope, happiness and a future for them. This is draining and may cause one to go back to get away from it all. It happens... to me. Best wishes and congrats on beating down some dragons. Dragons cannot be killed in my domain only controlled through trickery and knowing my self-worth.
One Love,
Ptah

That's not true. Where's you're facts?

in regards to the first quote. Couldn't find it.