It's been two months since I left the relationship I had been dedicated to for some time. It has been one of the hardest times of my life. I have been through so many ups and downs as an addict. I would find myself in scenarios that seemed so utterly hopeless. It's funny to look back and see how much hope there still was in life back then. There could be hope yet still for me. I went through some really hard shit, anyone would say. To then move for the purpose of a job that seemed so great, only to be totally fucked over. Man, that was really a hit to the existential batteries. I didn't know if I would be able to get back up from that one. The hopeless situation suddenly turned into a terrifying one as the temperatures dropped precipitously. For the first time in a while, I was scared. I was really scared of what might happen to me.
After that job fell through, I was going back and forth in my mind regarding taking my own life. I had had these feelings frequently when I was younger. I made on serious attempt that I survived, as I didn't really know how to cut deeply enough into my wrists to lost the blood I was trying to lose. On the bright side, I also retained my ability to play the guitar. I had come so far since those days, over 10 years ago. I had learned to live with hope. That hope had allowed me to build a life for myself that I was proud of. I was able to do good work for people both in my professional life and here on BL. I must say, looking back on it, I was happy.
I took too much shit all at once. Perhaps I am a bitch or I'm too fragile or I'm just a junkie unable to deal with the life stressors that normal people can. I don't know. I can tell you that I feel weak. I feel worthless and I feel like a burden. I feel like a burden on the world, I guess. I have all of these needs I need met when there are people around the world who don't even have clean drinking water.
You take things for granted. I had health insurance, a good job and a place that I was paying to live in (I wasn't on the lease, smart). My psychiatrist was paid for, my PCP paid for and my prescriptions were expensive but affordable. Things have changed. I am now without that insurance. I make too much money to take advantage of most programs here in the state. I have a callous hospital that will not see me or treat me until I make a payment, despite the fact that they know I'm totally destitute. My psychiatrist is unsympathetic stating she has bills to pay too. Granted, she wrote one prescription for free, but that was over a month ago. So, I'm withdrawing from Gabapentin/Pregabalin, Clonidine and Vyvanse and every day I don't have the energy to make the 3 hour round trip to the clinic, I miss that too. It compounds.
I am just taken aback by the callous nature of these people. I'm trying so hard to build a life back up from literally fucking nothing on the streets of this frozen hell and they are unwilling to even meet me halfway. These are not medications that I can just stop taking and continue to function. I have spent the past week diving into worse sand worse withdrawal. I have had a couple of Gabapentin handed to me here and there, but it's not what I need. In my "previous life" these things would have been essentially a phone call away and next to free. It's funny what we take for granted.
I have my great job starting on Monday. I should be excited, but I feel like a rat in a cage from withdrawal and the anxiety of figuring the situation out just compounds that feeling of inner tension inside of me. I don't have an easy way of getting laundry done or even necessarily showering and being clean. I now face the prospect of showing up to this job on Monday totally twacked out and unable to make a good impression. My current mental state twists these worries into grotesque shapes that almost always end with me just "gone". Like, I'm going to reach a point where a man as weak as myself just can't handle it anymore. My logical mind tells me there is a way out of this, but brain fog and lack of energy feel like everything is 10x harder.
I'm currently working full time at a side job for close to minimum wage. This will do nothing but prolong the bullshit until my first actual paycheck comes in. Then, I have 30 days until my insurance is active. At that point, in theory, everything can be resolved. I have gotten somewhat acclimatized to the fridged weather out here, but it is still oppressive like it is trying to fucking break me every moment.
I haven't ever stopped moving since this all started. I've done my best to keep generating money, but starting from such a hole makes it seem like a Herculean task. I know I'm not the only one dealing with these same thoughts, fears and concerns. I'm hopping maybe others who are in danger of these life challenges will find some solidarity in reading these blogs. I think we all just have to get comfortable with the idea that each gasp of air you get is only temporary, I don't know what is going to happen to all of us given the political turmoil and everything affecting our country. I love all of you guys and I hope everyone is safe and content.
This is the last few days of a serious struggle. I am hoping the dots connect and I'm able to take back my life and rebuild. It will not be easy, but just like getting clean, every small achievement is something I can use to get me to that next place I need to go.
After that job fell through, I was going back and forth in my mind regarding taking my own life. I had had these feelings frequently when I was younger. I made on serious attempt that I survived, as I didn't really know how to cut deeply enough into my wrists to lost the blood I was trying to lose. On the bright side, I also retained my ability to play the guitar. I had come so far since those days, over 10 years ago. I had learned to live with hope. That hope had allowed me to build a life for myself that I was proud of. I was able to do good work for people both in my professional life and here on BL. I must say, looking back on it, I was happy.
I took too much shit all at once. Perhaps I am a bitch or I'm too fragile or I'm just a junkie unable to deal with the life stressors that normal people can. I don't know. I can tell you that I feel weak. I feel worthless and I feel like a burden. I feel like a burden on the world, I guess. I have all of these needs I need met when there are people around the world who don't even have clean drinking water.
You take things for granted. I had health insurance, a good job and a place that I was paying to live in (I wasn't on the lease, smart). My psychiatrist was paid for, my PCP paid for and my prescriptions were expensive but affordable. Things have changed. I am now without that insurance. I make too much money to take advantage of most programs here in the state. I have a callous hospital that will not see me or treat me until I make a payment, despite the fact that they know I'm totally destitute. My psychiatrist is unsympathetic stating she has bills to pay too. Granted, she wrote one prescription for free, but that was over a month ago. So, I'm withdrawing from Gabapentin/Pregabalin, Clonidine and Vyvanse and every day I don't have the energy to make the 3 hour round trip to the clinic, I miss that too. It compounds.
I am just taken aback by the callous nature of these people. I'm trying so hard to build a life back up from literally fucking nothing on the streets of this frozen hell and they are unwilling to even meet me halfway. These are not medications that I can just stop taking and continue to function. I have spent the past week diving into worse sand worse withdrawal. I have had a couple of Gabapentin handed to me here and there, but it's not what I need. In my "previous life" these things would have been essentially a phone call away and next to free. It's funny what we take for granted.
I have my great job starting on Monday. I should be excited, but I feel like a rat in a cage from withdrawal and the anxiety of figuring the situation out just compounds that feeling of inner tension inside of me. I don't have an easy way of getting laundry done or even necessarily showering and being clean. I now face the prospect of showing up to this job on Monday totally twacked out and unable to make a good impression. My current mental state twists these worries into grotesque shapes that almost always end with me just "gone". Like, I'm going to reach a point where a man as weak as myself just can't handle it anymore. My logical mind tells me there is a way out of this, but brain fog and lack of energy feel like everything is 10x harder.
I'm currently working full time at a side job for close to minimum wage. This will do nothing but prolong the bullshit until my first actual paycheck comes in. Then, I have 30 days until my insurance is active. At that point, in theory, everything can be resolved. I have gotten somewhat acclimatized to the fridged weather out here, but it is still oppressive like it is trying to fucking break me every moment.
I haven't ever stopped moving since this all started. I've done my best to keep generating money, but starting from such a hole makes it seem like a Herculean task. I know I'm not the only one dealing with these same thoughts, fears and concerns. I'm hopping maybe others who are in danger of these life challenges will find some solidarity in reading these blogs. I think we all just have to get comfortable with the idea that each gasp of air you get is only temporary, I don't know what is going to happen to all of us given the political turmoil and everything affecting our country. I love all of you guys and I hope everyone is safe and content.
This is the last few days of a serious struggle. I am hoping the dots connect and I'm able to take back my life and rebuild. It will not be easy, but just like getting clean, every small achievement is something I can use to get me to that next place I need to go.
