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The Final Weight Will Crush You

TheTwighlight

TheTwighlight

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 2, 2006
Messages
2,019
Location
Beyond the beyond.
The Final Weight Will Crush You (Of Guilt)

I once fell asleep forever
I slept for so long
When I awoke I heard the world ending
I saw the sky falling
I felt the earth shatter
I've found nothing in numbers, but there is strength...
There are no meanings to anything
Because where I sit the teacher learns
And where I rest the children dance
I want to fall asleep
I never want to wake up from that dream
There is nothing in numbers
But there is strength in solitude
There is nothing in numbers
They just make me dumb
There is nothing in union
It just makes me numb
There is nothing in power, there is no one to martyr
There is nothing to cherish, but I've found strength
There is no more a puzzle for something to die for
There is no one to live for, so I found God
Here's my one excuse:
It has no name
But I call it "faith"...
...It's my saving grace
My flawless fault, that which holds my fate
(The useless lies, the big mistakes)
It is mine to own, it is mine to hate
(They're mine to own, they're mine to hate)
There is nothing in numbers
They just make me dumb
There is nothing in numbers
But there is strength in forgiveness



Copyright 2006 The Horsehead Nebula
 
Those are very powerful words
The beginning seems very different from the end in style and meter although they are bound in theme
It is almost like two separately beautiful poems
 
Thank you, I love that one, but I need to revise it. There are a few holes now that I read it again. You're right, though. I wrote it at different times when I felt different. In fact, what you said has made me see where it has "plot holes". So I'll probably post a revised version soon. Thank you for the input! You have proven that constructive criticism works!
 
^^^ Are you for real? No one is the judge and jury on what is or isn't poetry. I'm sure your negativity and ignorance is much appreciated. 8)

I would agree that it's somewhat erratic (not necessarily a bad thing), and in two parts with different emphasis, as has been mentioned. There are some strong lines, especially in the first part...

I once fell asleep forever
I slept for so long
When I awoke I heard the world ending
I saw the sky falling
I felt the earth shatter
I've found nothing in numbers, but there is strength...
Click to expand...
 
Well, LouReed, that's a matter of opinion. There are no rules to poetry. Poetry is allowed to be erratic. And there is a definite rhyme scheme to it in most parts, though I fully understand that because I am the one who wrote it, it could be hard for others to decipher. Besides, this is not just poetry, it is a song, and probably would make a little more sense if I could show others the music.
 
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