So, got up today and felt a bit crappy. Had a minor wig-out about going to a gig in Edinburgh to see my friends and washed my hands of it. Then my friend told me to get a grip and sort out a bus to come up. I committed to going so I can't not go.
I went down the street to get a new outfit to try and keep me feeling confident as I'm suffering with really bad social anxiety at the moment. I am looking like shit today. Hair is dirty and messy and clothes were my slobbiest offering.
Bumped into my childhood best friend which was nice, had a quick look at some clothes with her then went on my way. I got to the store where I found the dress that I bought and who do I see... my exes girlfriend. I don't hate her because she's with him, I hate her for the way she befriended me and deceived me in order to get closer to him. She makes me sick. What kind of a person does that? It all happened over a year ago but when someone pisses me off, they REALLY piss me off and I will never be ok with what she did to me. Thankfully I managed to avoid her.
It left me feeling really crappy about myself though. She's about 6 years younger than me and really small and skinny. I feel so fat and gross, I could cry. I have never been slim but when I was her age I looked really good and I haven't been the same since I quit taking so many drugs, I've put on weight and I don't ever feel comfortable. I've started losing weight again and I even fit into a size 14 dress today which I haven't done for about 8 months. I guess if I'm not happy with my weight then I can lose weight... I just need to stay vigilant as I've got a habit of eating my feelings. Because of my blood sugar problems I have to eat regularly and I think sometimes that means I end up over-eating. I don't want to be like her, and I don't want my ex back... I just want to feel like me again instead of this chubby lump that I am just now. I've no confidence because of it... and I know how much happier I'd be if I wasn't so afraid of everything.
Well, I've decided to get myself dressed up nice and I'm going to go to the gig in Edinburgh tonight. I have to prove to myself that I can do it, and if I don't like it, I can always leave and get an earlier bus home. I'll be home by 1am (ish) at very latest and I've got cider in the house for a treat when I get in, I can sleep late tomorrow.
I just need to remind myself that only I can change this mindset. Nobody else can do it for me.
I went down the street to get a new outfit to try and keep me feeling confident as I'm suffering with really bad social anxiety at the moment. I am looking like shit today. Hair is dirty and messy and clothes were my slobbiest offering.
Bumped into my childhood best friend which was nice, had a quick look at some clothes with her then went on my way. I got to the store where I found the dress that I bought and who do I see... my exes girlfriend. I don't hate her because she's with him, I hate her for the way she befriended me and deceived me in order to get closer to him. She makes me sick. What kind of a person does that? It all happened over a year ago but when someone pisses me off, they REALLY piss me off and I will never be ok with what she did to me. Thankfully I managed to avoid her.
It left me feeling really crappy about myself though. She's about 6 years younger than me and really small and skinny. I feel so fat and gross, I could cry. I have never been slim but when I was her age I looked really good and I haven't been the same since I quit taking so many drugs, I've put on weight and I don't ever feel comfortable. I've started losing weight again and I even fit into a size 14 dress today which I haven't done for about 8 months. I guess if I'm not happy with my weight then I can lose weight... I just need to stay vigilant as I've got a habit of eating my feelings. Because of my blood sugar problems I have to eat regularly and I think sometimes that means I end up over-eating. I don't want to be like her, and I don't want my ex back... I just want to feel like me again instead of this chubby lump that I am just now. I've no confidence because of it... and I know how much happier I'd be if I wasn't so afraid of everything.
Well, I've decided to get myself dressed up nice and I'm going to go to the gig in Edinburgh tonight. I have to prove to myself that I can do it, and if I don't like it, I can always leave and get an earlier bus home. I'll be home by 1am (ish) at very latest and I've got cider in the house for a treat when I get in, I can sleep late tomorrow.
I just need to remind myself that only I can change this mindset. Nobody else can do it for me.
