Replying here to recent splurge in Trifle Annoyed Thread cos this one seems far more appropriate (well, the latter part of post anyway) and am completely sober so more inclined to notice and respect which thread I happen to be in at the time...
(oh, and it ended up a bit lengthy (look down there: see
). apologies for length, but feel the girth
)
They talk sense. Civilisation and people would do wonders. I really hope you consider one of these options soon.
Been considering that since before I even moved here. And for the decade or so since. Practicalities are the problem. I have no responsibilities, no ties to anything or anywhere and no reason to be anywhere in particular which you'd think would be a plus point but really isn't. Too much choice with little or nothing to base any decision on. Stick a pin in the map and hope for the best? I'd rather have at least some idea that I'm going into a better situation than I'm leaving cos although
almost any situation would be better I'd kinda like something to base that on given how stupidly difficult it's gonna be to move at all. Have done plenty of drifting and plenty of running away from things, neither of which seems to have worked so well, so would much rather be moving to something.
That seems a big ask though. Am essentially gonna just have to pick a place more or less at random and hope I like it. I'd've done that inna heartbeat in the past but am getting onna bit now and don't bounce as well as I once did. Can't stand the thought of being homeless again and that's a very real risk for me. Is not easy trying to find accommodation in a place you don't live in and can't even visit properly in advance. Is hard enough finding a decent landlord in a town you live in and know people to ask around but will essentially be pure pot luck in my situation. And as it's gonna be somewhere I have no personal ties to, the local authority is not obliged to house me which makes having to sleep rough a very real possibility. Not an appealing one either.
Other practical problem is that the DWP lost me off their system for three months when they switched from Income Support to ESA and never did pay back all the back rent and council tax which means "I" now owe my current landlords just under a grand. Is being taken out my benefits (along with a gazillion other debts
) so they'll definitely get it back, but is gonna take several years and I really don't know if they'll even let me leave here without having paid it all off first. That one is easy to find out, I know. I think I've been putting off enquiring cos I kinda expect they're gonna say I can't leave until it's all been paid off which means there really is no way out at all in the foreseeable. I really need to though cos there is no point even thinking about moving anywhere if I simply can't.
So yeah, I have vague (very vague) plans of how I could get away but they really are vague and the problems often feel insurmountable. And given the kinda state of mind I've been in of late (well, for the last few years really, just not quite so acutely as now) it really does feel like an impossible task. Which is ridiculous. Really isn't easy though. Have spoken to various professional types - housing peeps, CAB-type peeps, social worker-type peeps - at great length about all this for last ten years and so far everyone seems to think I'm basically stuck here. I'm sure that isn't really the case. There is certainly no easy way out though
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
Come back sooner rather than later. Continue venting, it's fine, that's what this place is here for.
Well I came back later rather than sooner cos was as intensely hungover as I deserved to be really. I really need to just stop drinking completely for a while cos I don't seem to be capable of happy drunk at the moment and am as sick of posting miserable, whining, drunken self-pity as I am of not being able to read it back whenever I log back in again cos it's horrid. Depressed people are depressing. At least they are if that's all you ever see from them and seems to be all anyone sees of me these last few weeks.
This really isn't what this place is here for. Not really. The connections to drugs are kinda flimsy. Well, direct connections anyway. I guess it could come in under social problems stemming from drugs cos I wouldn't be in this position now if I hadn't let addictions spiral to quite the extent they did. And have been wondering for some time now if my rather extreme lack of motivation to do anything at all - even things I really like doing or things that will obviously be of great benefit to me, however big or small the effort involved would be - could be related to years of heavy stim (ab)use. This last year or so has been the most sober I've ever been since first discovering drugs. Am bordering on being abstinent and teetotal much of the time. Doesn't seem to suit me at all
Aside from the possible/probable druggy stuffs, I get the impression recent events have opened a whole can o' worms in terms of mood swings and depressions and the like. Always been prone to such things but had been kept at bay for a while cos at least there was one really Good Thing in my lil (oh so very lil) world. Now there isn't so something has to change cos can't live like this. Really isn't a life worth living and that worries me cos has been a long and difficult road to reach the level of stability I've been at these last few years. Come too far to slide back to the insane mood swings and those deepest, darkest depressions of times past.
I seem to be in a bit of a vicious circle - a Catch 22 kinda deal. Underlying depression has been stable for some time now but is a fragile stability. Have done a lotta work on myself and think I've dealt with a helluva lot of the stuff behind my more turbulent mindstates. However, a large part of this stability also came from the fact I'm finally in a stable situation. No real risk of homelessness for many years now (which was obvious a source of great instability in the past,) addictions - and drug use in general - tamed (ongoing process though, obviously) and, although social situation has never been great here, I at least had one person I'd been very close to the whole time I've been here.
Now all of those things have either changed or are about to which is causing a bit of situational depression. I'm sure that's not a recognised term but y'know what I mean. Depression brought on by situation and circumstance. Is only natural I'd be feeling down after losing that one person I'd been so close to the whole time I've been here but that seems to be bringing back underlying depression that's been there forever. Or at least bringing it to the foreground again.
Whatever the case, it really doesn't help with motivation. When I'm down I tend to go out of my way to make things worse sometimes. Is a fukked up thing but I know I do it. Don't know why I do it but is just part of the whole depression thing, I think. Seems to be for me anyway. Really doesn't help though. Obviously. I know what I need to do. And I know nobody can do it for me. And that - truthfully - nobody can even really help much... if at all. I know what I need to do but have no idea how to do it nor where to start.
Yes, I know. Start at the beginning. And I think the beginning has to be investing in some stimulants cos I just can't even begin to imagine how anything is gonna happen otherwise. I struggle to motivate myself to scratch my arse unless it's
really itchy. Motivating myself to do something I have no real idea how to do - or even if it's possible - is gonna take a bit of assistance. Is the kinda stuff you really miss having people around for. Days, weeks, months, years just drift by without you even noticing cos everything is always the same. Nothing ever changes. Then something changed and all that wasted, lost time has kinda hit me a bit hard and have been reeling a bit for a while. Need to pull head from arse and at least try to do something to get away from here before giving up and clocking off.
(apologies for long and disjointed ramble. i really should edit the living shit outta that but just cannot be arsed. there's only so much whiney, defeatist bollocks even i can take :D)
