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The Dive's Covid Thread

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-=SS=- said:
From the background impression you gave and then this quote it seems familiar to me, like I can remember and feel the same tendencies in one or two of my previous partners (both with troubled backgrounds). I think it's clear her history is still driving her psychology, still scratching that wound. Maybe the key then is trying to introduce more love, understanding, and security, towards those historic parts of her then, and pull out the root as opposed to treating the surface symptoms of her current behaviour towards covid.

Obviously it's not your job to play therapist, but you've invested a lot of time and energy into her and I think healing can be more effective and rapid if it comes from someone very close. Leverage the fact you can be physically close with her, especially given she obviously has negative memories relating to security. I believe there's all the benefits we know of and some we don't, regarding close contact. I had an experience with my first partner this way, naked cuddling and just letting her talk through some past trauma points. She went into some sort of emotional release, laughing and trembling. She slept like a baby and told me her mind was really calm until the following day, but long term it really helped her because it gave her that reference point of inner calm she could recall when needed.
Click to expand...

Spot on, yeah her childhood trauma is absolutely affecting pretty much every facet of her life, including her health. I have been finding it difficult to be as emotionally available as I was for the first 4-5 years, lately... ever since the first covid lockdown, really. This shit has really made my relationship harder. I'm trying, but it's draining, I sometimes feel like an empty battery... the way I charge is to hang out with friends who are happy and positive, and play music, especially for crowds. In 2019 my band was starting to take off... covid fucked that up, too. I'm so over it.

We have had a number of good sessions like you describe. A couple have been drug-aided, once I took a moderate dose of MXE and she had a bit of a breakdown and I somehow got inside her head and knew exactly what to say... we unlocked some areas that had previously been closed to me, and I also forgave her for when she had been watching my cat and didn't realize she was sick because she was depressed and basically laying in bed all day... I was away at a month-long cabin detox to get off opiates again and within hours of me coming home my cat died... as soon as I saw her, I knew she was at death's door. I was really mad at her and she felt horribly guilty and was crying daily for like 6 months... she was telling me she hated herself and was worthless and a bad person, and I managed to guide her through it and also piggyback it into exploring some childhood trauma. She was better from that for quite a while, it made a really big difference in the way she carried herself. But then her narcissistic dad forced himself back into her life and it fucked it all up. She has cut him out completely now, but the very mention of the concept of a dad makes her feel enraged. She is stuck in "I'm a victim and I'm damaged and it's too late and there's nothing I can do about it". I was an extremely good therapist that day, and I play therapist and mediator with my friends and family, it's always been my role, but I am generally not a very good therapist for her, other than someone to listen, I don't know why. I think it's because I can't really be impartial, and there are a lot of things I can't bring myself to say to her because she's always ready to turn to self-loathing at the drop of a hat.

She really needs proper therapy. She has been to 4 therapists, and always quits after at most 3 sessions and convinces herself the therapist is cruel and mean. The last time she went, she asked me to come with her so I could see for myself, and it was enlightening. Even a question like "I can see you're really upset right now, can you try to explain what thoughts you're having?" would make her completely shut down and weep. I ended up talking the whole time pretty much and the therapist said it was the first time in 3 sessions she got literally any bit of information, the other times were pretty much her holding back tears and not responding to questions. After the session, we got to the car and she was like "SEE? Wasn't she SUCH a bitch??" And I sort of just grunted and dropped it for the moment. Then like 6 months later I was tripping on 2C-N, of all the odd things, and found it gave me therapist powers, too, and we talked through that and some other things. I was able to explain to her how she was projecting onto the therapist. My good friend has a family friend who is a therapist specializing in childhood PTSD, who won a lot of awards and I've met her, she's amazing. She agreed to come out of retirement to take my girlfriend on. My girlfriend, in one of our moments of gentle confrontation, agreed to see her. But she has yet to reach out to her. I'm thinking I will have to do it, but it's like... come on. I can't fix you.

She is holding out hope for MDMA-assisted psychotherapy... which honestly she would be the ideal candidate for. She just really has yet to progress to the stage of actually being able to face her pain. I've been wrestling for a while with whether I should keep trying, because it takes a big toll on me. The thought of the rest of my life with it never ending (and likely continuing to get worse) makes me feel... tired. I love her and we have a really good relationship overall. And she has no one else, she is completely in love with me and I think I am pretty much literally everything to her. She doesn't have anyone else. The early years of our relationship were like heaven, it was amazing... she was much happier and healthier, our physical connection was nothing short of legendary, we had so much fun. But that's just a memory at this point. If she could push past this and start actually working on herself instead of just trying to ignore it and distract herself, she could get better and live a much better life, and I want that. I just don't know if it's gonna happen. I used to just think positively and assume it would, I could easily offer encouragement and at least in the moment it would help her believe, but it's so hard to now. It feels like I'm lying when I try to say don't worry, it's gonna be fine

I often find myself wishing we'd never met, these days. Which is just such a sad thing to type out. When is enough enough? Can I even be happy if I knew she was suffering and hurt and alone and feeling like nobody loves her and she deserves to be left because she's poison? If she was mean to me and took her shit out on me, like my ex-wife did, it would be easy, I'd say peace, bitch. But she's so kind to me, she looks out for me, supports me when I'm feeling sad, she's thoughtful and caring, it's only to herself that she is cruel. I almost wish she would take it out on me, but she wouldn't ever do that.

There are plenty of good days or even good weeks. But it's always right under the surface. Fuck abusive parents.

I appreciate your words. <3 That got a lot longer than I expected. I gotta go to bed, I have to play a show tomorrow night, what the hell, it's way later than I thought it was.
 
Tweet where they ask their data to be challenged. Part of a long thread about covid being bioengineered



First tweet of the thread

 
Xorkoth said:
Spot on, yeah her childhood trauma is absolutely affecting pretty much every facet of her life, including her health. I have been finding it difficult to be as emotionally available as I was for the first 4-5 years, lately... ever since the first covid lockdown, really. This shit has really made my relationship harder. I'm trying, but it's draining, I sometimes feel like an empty battery... the way I charge is to hang out with friends who are happy and positive, and play music, especially for crowds. In 2019 my band was starting to take off... covid fucked that up, too. I'm so over it.

We have had a number of good sessions like you describe. A couple have been drug-aided, once I took a moderate dose of MXE and she had a bit of a breakdown and I somehow got inside her head and knew exactly what to say... we unlocked some areas that had previously been closed to me, and I also forgave her for when she had been watching my cat and didn't realize she was sick because she was depressed and basically laying in bed all day... I was away at a month-long cabin detox to get off opiates again and within hours of me coming home my cat died... as soon as I saw her, I knew she was at death's door. I was really mad at her and she felt horribly guilty and was crying daily for like 6 months... she was telling me she hated herself and was worthless and a bad person, and I managed to guide her through it and also piggyback it into exploring some childhood trauma. She was better from that for quite a while, it made a really big difference in the way she carried herself. But then her narcissistic dad forced himself back into her life and it fucked it all up. She has cut him out completely now, but the very mention of the concept of a dad makes her feel enraged. She is stuck in "I'm a victim and I'm damaged and it's too late and there's nothing I can do about it". I was an extremely good therapist that day, and I play therapist and mediator with my friends and family, it's always been my role, but I am generally not a very good therapist for her, other than someone to listen, I don't know why. I think it's because I can't really be impartial, and there are a lot of things I can't bring myself to say to her because she's always ready to turn to self-loathing at the drop of a hat.

She really needs proper therapy. She has been to 4 therapists, and always quits after at most 3 sessions and convinces herself the therapist is cruel and mean. The last time she went, she asked me to come with her so I could see for myself, and it was enlightening. Even a question like "I can see you're really upset right now, can you try to explain what thoughts you're having?" would make her completely shut down and weep. I ended up talking the whole time pretty much and the therapist said it was the first time in 3 sessions she got literally any bit of information, the other times were pretty much her holding back tears and not responding to questions. After the session, we got to the car and she was like "SEE? Wasn't she SUCH a bitch??" And I sort of just grunted and dropped it for the moment. Then like 6 months later I was tripping on 2C-N, of all the odd things, and found it gave me therapist powers, too, and we talked through that and some other things. I was able to explain to her how she was projecting onto the therapist. My good friend has a family friend who is a therapist specializing in childhood PTSD, who won a lot of awards and I've met her, she's amazing. She agreed to come out of retirement to take my girlfriend on. My girlfriend, in one of our moments of gentle confrontation, agreed to see her. But she has yet to reach out to her. I'm thinking I will have to do it, but it's like... come on. I can't fix you.

She is holding out hope for MDMA-assisted psychotherapy... which honestly she would be the ideal candidate for. She just really has yet to progress to the stage of actually being able to face her pain. I've been wrestling for a while with whether I should keep trying, because it takes a big toll on me. The thought of the rest of my life with it never ending (and likely continuing to get worse) makes me feel... tired. I love her and we have a really good relationship overall. And she has no one else, she is completely in love with me and I think I am pretty much literally everything to her. She doesn't have anyone else. The early years of our relationship were like heaven, it was amazing... she was much happier and healthier, our physical connection was nothing short of legendary, we had so much fun. But that's just a memory at this point. If she could push past this and start actually working on herself instead of just trying to ignore it and distract herself, she could get better and live a much better life, and I want that. I just don't know if it's gonna happen. I used to just think positively and assume it would, I could easily offer encouragement and at least in the moment it would help her believe, but it's so hard to now. It feels like I'm lying when I try to say don't worry, it's gonna be fine

I often find myself wishing we'd never met, these days. Which is just such a sad thing to type out. When is enough enough? Can I even be happy if I knew she was suffering and hurt and alone and feeling like nobody loves her and she deserves to be left because she's poison? If she was mean to me and took her shit out on me, like my ex-wife did, it would be easy, I'd say peace, bitch. But she's so kind to me, she looks out for me, supports me when I'm feeling sad, she's thoughtful and caring, it's only to herself that she is cruel. I almost wish she would take it out on me, but she wouldn't ever do that.

There are plenty of good days or even good weeks. But it's always right under the surface. Fuck abusive parents.

I appreciate your words. <3 That got a lot longer than I expected. I gotta go to bed, I have to play a show tomorrow night, what the hell, it's way later than I thought it was.
Click to expand...
Damn man, she’s lucky to have such a empathetic/compassionate partner but at the same time it’s like fuck, you just want to be happy ya know…but as far as the COVID thing I wouldn’t be able to handle that, would be a total deal breaker for me, not getting vaxed and not living my life in fear, I’ll wear a mask if it really makes someone feel comfortable but even that is putting more power to the virus than I’d like , good luck with the home situation tho, compromise is everything and has to be a two way street otherwise resentment is bound to follow
 
Last edited:
Snafu in the Void said:
www.google.com

Pfizer plans to sell its covid vaccine at a 10,000% markup in 2023

For over two years now, the US government has purchased all of the covid vaccines administered in the country, in what has become the largest public vaccination campaign in American history.
www.google.com www.google.com

Pfizer plans to sell its covid vaccine at a 10,000% markup in 2023​

Click to expand...
It’s the perfect business model. Now all the vaxxies immune systems are shot and dependent on the anti bodies.
 
Xorkoth said:
Spot on, yeah her childhood trauma is absolutely affecting pretty much every facet of her life, including her health. I have been finding it difficult to be as emotionally available as I was for the first 4-5 years, lately... ever since the first covid lockdown, really. This shit has really made my relationship harder. I'm trying, but it's draining, I sometimes feel like an empty battery... the way I charge is to hang out with friends who are happy and positive, and play music, especially for crowds. In 2019 my band was starting to take off... covid fucked that up, too. I'm so over it.

We have had a number of good sessions like you describe. A couple have been drug-aided, once I took a moderate dose of MXE and she had a bit of a breakdown and I somehow got inside her head and knew exactly what to say... we unlocked some areas that had previously been closed to me, and I also forgave her for when she had been watching my cat and didn't realize she was sick because she was depressed and basically laying in bed all day... I was away at a month-long cabin detox to get off opiates again and within hours of me coming home my cat died... as soon as I saw her, I knew she was at death's door. I was really mad at her and she felt horribly guilty and was crying daily for like 6 months... she was telling me she hated herself and was worthless and a bad person, and I managed to guide her through it and also piggyback it into exploring some childhood trauma. She was better from that for quite a while, it made a really big difference in the way she carried herself. But then her narcissistic dad forced himself back into her life and it fucked it all up. She has cut him out completely now, but the very mention of the concept of a dad makes her feel enraged. She is stuck in "I'm a victim and I'm damaged and it's too late and there's nothing I can do about it". I was an extremely good therapist that day, and I play therapist and mediator with my friends and family, it's always been my role, but I am generally not a very good therapist for her, other than someone to listen, I don't know why. I think it's because I can't really be impartial, and there are a lot of things I can't bring myself to say to her because she's always ready to turn to self-loathing at the drop of a hat.

She really needs proper therapy. She has been to 4 therapists, and always quits after at most 3 sessions and convinces herself the therapist is cruel and mean. The last time she went, she asked me to come with her so I could see for myself, and it was enlightening. Even a question like "I can see you're really upset right now, can you try to explain what thoughts you're having?" would make her completely shut down and weep. I ended up talking the whole time pretty much and the therapist said it was the first time in 3 sessions she got literally any bit of information, the other times were pretty much her holding back tears and not responding to questions. After the session, we got to the car and she was like "SEE? Wasn't she SUCH a bitch??" And I sort of just grunted and dropped it for the moment. Then like 6 months later I was tripping on 2C-N, of all the odd things, and found it gave me therapist powers, too, and we talked through that and some other things. I was able to explain to her how she was projecting onto the therapist. My good friend has a family friend who is a therapist specializing in childhood PTSD, who won a lot of awards and I've met her, she's amazing. She agreed to come out of retirement to take my girlfriend on. My girlfriend, in one of our moments of gentle confrontation, agreed to see her. But she has yet to reach out to her. I'm thinking I will have to do it, but it's like... come on. I can't fix you.

She is holding out hope for MDMA-assisted psychotherapy... which honestly she would be the ideal candidate for. She just really has yet to progress to the stage of actually being able to face her pain. I've been wrestling for a while with whether I should keep trying, because it takes a big toll on me. The thought of the rest of my life with it never ending (and likely continuing to get worse) makes me feel... tired. I love her and we have a really good relationship overall. And she has no one else, she is completely in love with me and I think I am pretty much literally everything to her. She doesn't have anyone else. The early years of our relationship were like heaven, it was amazing... she was much happier and healthier, our physical connection was nothing short of legendary, we had so much fun. But that's just a memory at this point. If she could push past this and start actually working on herself instead of just trying to ignore it and distract herself, she could get better and live a much better life, and I want that. I just don't know if it's gonna happen. I used to just think positively and assume it would, I could easily offer encouragement and at least in the moment it would help her believe, but it's so hard to now. It feels like I'm lying when I try to say don't worry, it's gonna be fine

I often find myself wishing we'd never met, these days. Which is just such a sad thing to type out. When is enough enough? Can I even be happy if I knew she was suffering and hurt and alone and feeling like nobody loves her and she deserves to be left because she's poison? If she was mean to me and took her shit out on me, like my ex-wife did, it would be easy, I'd say peace, bitch. But she's so kind to me, she looks out for me, supports me when I'm feeling sad, she's thoughtful and caring, it's only to herself that she is cruel. I almost wish she would take it out on me, but she wouldn't ever do that.

There are plenty of good days or even good weeks. But it's always right under the surface. Fuck abusive parents.

I appreciate your words. <3 That got a lot longer than I expected. I gotta go to bed, I have to play a show tomorrow night, what the hell, it's way later than I thought it was.
Click to expand...
This is a really tough situation to be in. I empathize with your position having been there, albeit in a relationship of three years rather than several and one not as reciprocal as yours. As you say it would be easier to draw a line if she were consciously inflicting pain towards you and not giving anything to you at all. Feeling like you can see the heart underneath all their pain makes letting go very difficult indeed.

You feel drawn in several directions, and as you say it is incredibly draining. I hate to use the word 'leech', but that's what it is even if it is only being done subconsciously. People in a malaise rarely have the focus to genuinely empathize with the effect their own suffering is having on those around them. You can see it, one moment they have lucidity and then something sets them off and they regress into this particular pattern of perception. Something grabs a hold of them and they fall inwards and lose connection with the outside and how you are. Incidentally my ex was very perceptive, psychically even, although completely unaware of it. She used to draw what she felt it was like, and she'd draw these barnacles or leeches on her. She'd also see tormenting faces in her inner vision. It didn't seem to bother her though, but the issue was these things are seductive. It's Stockholm syndrome. We get so used to these patterns, entities or whatever, that we forget and lose sight of who we are. Responses to their provocations become patterns, patterns become habits, habits become personality. If it stems from childhood experiences obviously it becomes difficult to remember a time before where you can remember who you truly are and all your inner strength and love, especially if your parents were lacking and never helped you get centred in the first place.

If she's reciprocating then that's a good sign I think, although not a guarantee. Obviously your story and mine are not unique, thanks to the internet you can find no shortage of almost identical expressions of it and the various outcomes. One particular one to be aware of is even if you succeed in playing therapist she might become someone you're not expecting, or even resent the role of therapist. It's very difficult. Looking back on my own failure and my ex picking up on my ability to help her (and then leaving once healed), the mistake I made was playing to who I thought she was not who she is. There were signs but I ignored them because of my own lack and neediness.

Being stuck in this middle ground of being exhausted doesn't help you, or her. That tiredness becomes a hinderance in itself. As you say, and obviously feel as you communicated, it's exhausting and you're starting to have those thoughts and doubts about wanting to just recuperate yourself. A good sign, because at least you are functioning correctly in that you're picking up on your own state and starting to strategize. Which of course is the issue she has, she has no strategy. I think in the male-female dynamic this is very common owing to the submissive nature of women, in that they can easily fall into a role of taking all your energy in order to sustain themselves and relying way beyond what is acceptable on you to provide the strategy. It's sort of wrong and right at the same time, as we are supposed to lead really, but then it's her fault for projecting her own internal state outwards on to your relationship and expecting you to solve it. I also think there's an added perversity to it too that women are completely unaware of in that they naturally 'test' men at all times, and their malaise then hijacks this mechanism for its own ends.

I think you should try and find some time to re-energize yourself properly. Go away for a couple of days on your own. Clear yourself out so you then have the maximum clarity and energy available, then really focus on a strategy. Otherwise you'll be too tired and just sort of continue sleep walking towards a particular future outcome. Part of your strategy has to be elevating your own needs and energy. Unfortunately with 'leeches' the only resolution is confrontation, you have to cut the supply they feed on unless you're content to wait until they've had their fill. That doesn't necessarily mean bailing. You need to find some of your own inner strength again, which currently might be being fed on by her malaise and subsequently making her believe she can rely on you to always support her (and her malaise). Essentially you need to present her new options and ways for her to think, through your own behaviour rather than with words alone. If you get back into that particular frame/state of being yourself, that energetic masculine state, she'll pick up on it. Become seductive, more seductive than her malaise, through your own inner strength.

It's incredibly difficult to communicate this through words. Listen to the first several shows of Dr Black Philip (Patrice O'Neal). It's a pimping mentality without the violence, and you can disregard all the stuff about having lots of women lol, but if you read between the lines there is real psychological insight in his philosophy. It might help you refocus on your own strength again. Even if it doesn't help it will probably make you laugh, some positive medicine regardless. He's sort of like South Park, in that most people will be immediately put off by the brashness of it and fail to see the real genius beneath.
 
Xorkoth said:
Oh boy... this is just getting stupid
Click to expand...

it's like a fictional movie that's playing out


and everybody that said in the beginning that repeated vaccines would only make it worse for the vaccinated by destroying their own immune system over time were correct

and that made sense to me when that was said

so i still don't understand why, even if you weren't anti-vaxx, you might want to wait it out and see how it plays out before being part of the experiment

:shrug:
 
-=SS=- said:
This is a really tough situation to be in. I empathize with your position having been there, albeit in a relationship of three years rather than several and one not as reciprocal as yours. As you say it would be easier to draw a line if she were consciously inflicting pain towards you and not giving anything to you at all. Feeling like you can see the heart underneath all their pain makes letting go very difficult indeed.

You feel drawn in several directions, and as you say it is incredibly draining. I hate to use the word 'leech', but that's what it is even if it is only being done subconsciously. People in a malaise rarely have the focus to genuinely empathize with the effect their own suffering is having on those around them. You can see it, one moment they have lucidity and then something sets them off and they regress into this particular pattern of perception. Something grabs a hold of them and they fall inwards and lose connection with the outside and how you are. Incidentally my ex was very perceptive, psychically even, although completely unaware of it. She used to draw what she felt it was like, and she'd draw these barnacles or leeches on her. She'd also see tormenting faces in her inner vision. It didn't seem to bother her though, but the issue was these things are seductive. It's Stockholm syndrome. We get so used to these patterns, entities or whatever, that we forget and lose sight of who we are. Responses to their provocations become patterns, patterns become habits, habits become personality. If it stems from childhood experiences obviously it becomes difficult to remember a time before where you can remember who you truly are and all your inner strength and love, especially if your parents were lacking and never helped you get centred in the first place.

If she's reciprocating then that's a good sign I think, although not a guarantee. Obviously your story and mine are not unique, thanks to the internet you can find no shortage of almost identical expressions of it and the various outcomes. One particular one to be aware of is even if you succeed in playing therapist she might become someone you're not expecting, or even resent the role of therapist. It's very difficult. Looking back on my own failure and my ex picking up on my ability to help her (and then leaving once healed), the mistake I made was playing to who I thought she was not who she is. There were signs but I ignored them because of my own lack and neediness.

Being stuck in this middle ground of being exhausted doesn't help you, or her. That tiredness becomes a hinderance in itself. As you say, and obviously feel as you communicated, it's exhausting and you're starting to have those thoughts and doubts about wanting to just recuperate yourself. A good sign, because at least you are functioning correctly in that you're picking up on your own state and starting to strategize. Which of course is the issue she has, she has no strategy. I think in the male-female dynamic this is very common owing to the submissive nature of women, in that they can easily fall into a role of taking all your energy in order to sustain themselves and relying way beyond what is acceptable on you to provide the strategy. It's sort of wrong and right at the same time, as we are supposed to lead really, but then it's her fault for projecting her own internal state outwards on to your relationship and expecting you to solve it. I also think there's an added perversity to it too that women are completely unaware of in that they naturally 'test' men at all times, and their malaise then hijacks this mechanism for its own ends.

I think you should try and find some time to re-energize yourself properly. Go away for a couple of days on your own. Clear yourself out so you then have the maximum clarity and energy available, then really focus on a strategy. Otherwise you'll be too tired and just sort of continue sleep walking towards a particular future outcome. Part of your strategy has to be elevating your own needs and energy. Unfortunately with 'leeches' the only resolution is confrontation, you have to cut the supply they feed on unless you're content to wait until they've had their fill. That doesn't necessarily mean bailing. You need to find some of your own inner strength again, which currently might be being fed on by her malaise and subsequently making her believe she can rely on you to always support her (and her malaise). Essentially you need to present her new options and ways for her to think, through your own behaviour rather than with words alone. If you get back into that particular frame/state of being yourself, that energetic masculine state, she'll pick up on it. Become seductive, more seductive than her malaise, through your own inner strength.

It's incredibly difficult to communicate this through words. Listen to the first several shows of Dr Black Philip (Patrice O'Neal). It's a pimping mentality without the violence, and you can disregard all the stuff about having lots of women lol, but if you read between the lines there is real psychological insight in his philosophy. It might help you refocus on your own strength again. Even if it doesn't help it will probably make you laugh, some positive medicine regardless. He's sort of like South Park, in that most people will be immediately put off by the brashness of it and fail to see the real genius beneath.
Click to expand...

Thanks man, I appreciate the time you took to write that out, and I'll check out the person you mentioned. I have always loved Bluelight for the ability to share/vent and get some really great thoughts from people who aren't in my circle of real-life friend and family, who are closer to the situation so have less objectivity, the same as I do.
 
Mr. Krinkle said:
it's like a fictional movie that's playing out


and everybody that said in the beginning that repeated vaccines would only make it worse for the vaccinated by destroying their own immune system over time were correct

and that made sense to me when that was said

so i still don't understand why, even if you weren't anti-vaxx, you might want to wait it out and see how it plays out before being part of the experiment

:shrug:
Click to expand...

Fear is a powerful motivator. In my case, I had two family members die from alpha (or maybe delta). I was hearing about all these deaths, and since I knew for a fact of two of them (actually 4, because my mom's friend also died, and a member of my friend's family), I got vaxxed, even though I was nervous about it. I definitely considered it a calculated risk. And if I'm being honest, my replies in these threads was partly based on trying to convince myself. I did catch covid before the vaccines were even available (like a month before or something), and a large portion of my reason for getting it anyway was a great deal of social pressure from my family and girlfriend (my family even moreso than my girlfriend... my sister and brother in law literally did not leave their house except to take short, masked walks, for the first year, and every time we did family zoom meetings all they could talk about was how horrible the people who weren't getting vaccinated were. My sister straight up cut a longtime friend out of her life over it). Now that I say it, it was really mostly social pressure for me. I was definitely planning to get it as soon as I could, but then once I got covid, I was much less sure about it... it seemed kind of pointless. And then when I got the booster, it was 100% social pressure, literally no other reason.

My family will continue to get boosters, they have stated. I'm planning to just not bring it up at all. If they ask me, I haven't decided if I will lie or not, but I'm not going to be getting them. My girlfriend seems sufficiently sketched out by getting another booster and sees that they aren't doing anything anyway so I'm pretty sure she isn't going to be pressuring me to get another. It wouldn't make me feel bad to lie to my family about it, I only see them twice a year, and my brother is pretty skeptical, it's mostly my mom and sister and her husband that are on the bandwagon. I would not want to have to lie to my girlfriend about it.
 
-=SS=- said:
This is a really tough situation to be in. I empathize with your position having been there, albeit in a relationship of three years rather than several and one not as reciprocal as yours. As you say it would be easier to draw a line if she were consciously inflicting pain towards you and not giving anything to you at all. Feeling like you can see the heart underneath all their pain makes letting go very difficult indeed.

You feel drawn in several directions, and as you say it is incredibly draining. I hate to use the word 'leech', but that's what it is even if it is only being done subconsciously. People in a malaise rarely have the focus to genuinely empathize with the effect their own suffering is having on those around them. You can see it, one moment they have lucidity and then something sets them off and they regress into this particular pattern of perception. Something grabs a hold of them and they fall inwards and lose connection with the outside and how you are. Incidentally my ex was very perceptive, psychically even, although completely unaware of it. She used to draw what she felt it was like, and she'd draw these barnacles or leeches on her. She'd also see tormenting faces in her inner vision. It didn't seem to bother her though, but the issue was these things are seductive. It's Stockholm syndrome. We get so used to these patterns, entities or whatever, that we forget and lose sight of who we are. Responses to their provocations become patterns, patterns become habits, habits become personality. If it stems from childhood experiences obviously it becomes difficult to remember a time before where you can remember who you truly are and all your inner strength and love, especially if your parents were lacking and never helped you get centred in the first place.

If she's reciprocating then that's a good sign I think, although not a guarantee. Obviously your story and mine are not unique, thanks to the internet you can find no shortage of almost identical expressions of it and the various outcomes. One particular one to be aware of is even if you succeed in playing therapist she might become someone you're not expecting, or even resent the role of therapist. It's very difficult. Looking back on my own failure and my ex picking up on my ability to help her (and then leaving once healed), the mistake I made was playing to who I thought she was not who she is. There were signs but I ignored them because of my own lack and neediness.

Being stuck in this middle ground of being exhausted doesn't help you, or her. That tiredness becomes a hinderance in itself. As you say, and obviously feel as you communicated, it's exhausting and you're starting to have those thoughts and doubts about wanting to just recuperate yourself. A good sign, because at least you are functioning correctly in that you're picking up on your own state and starting to strategize. Which of course is the issue she has, she has no strategy. I think in the male-female dynamic this is very common owing to the submissive nature of women, in that they can easily fall into a role of taking all your energy in order to sustain themselves and relying way beyond what is acceptable on you to provide the strategy. It's sort of wrong and right at the same time, as we are supposed to lead really, but then it's her fault for projecting her own internal state outwards on to your relationship and expecting you to solve it. I also think there's an added perversity to it too that women are completely unaware of in that they naturally 'test' men at all times, and their malaise then hijacks this mechanism for its own ends.

I think you should try and find some time to re-energize yourself properly. Go away for a couple of days on your own. Clear yourself out so you then have the maximum clarity and energy available, then really focus on a strategy. Otherwise you'll be too tired and just sort of continue sleep walking towards a particular future outcome. Part of your strategy has to be elevating your own needs and energy. Unfortunately with 'leeches' the only resolution is confrontation, you have to cut the supply they feed on unless you're content to wait until they've had their fill. That doesn't necessarily mean bailing. You need to find some of your own inner strength again, which currently might be being fed on by her malaise and subsequently making her believe she can rely on you to always support her (and her malaise). Essentially you need to present her new options and ways for her to think, through your own behaviour rather than with words alone. If you get back into that particular frame/state of being yourself, that energetic masculine state, she'll pick up on it. Become seductive, more seductive than her malaise, through your own inner strength.

It's incredibly difficult to communicate this through words. Listen to the first several shows of Dr Black Philip (Patrice O'Neal). It's a pimping mentality without the violence, and you can disregard all the stuff about having lots of women lol, but if you read between the lines there is real psychological insight in his philosophy. It might help you refocus on your own strength again. Even if it doesn't help it will probably make you laugh, some positive medicine regardless. He's sort of like South Park, in that most people will be immediately put off by the brashness of it and fail to see the real genius beneath.
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I think the only time I liked listening to talk radio was when Patrice was on the
O & A show in NY ...
 
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