The difference in feelings. Bestfriend vs crush

[floatingaround]

So ive not been in any serious relationship before. im 20. When I was growing up i was best friends with this girl all through school, she had a boyfriend almost that whole time and I was cool with it. Now i started to really abuse drugs towards the end of school and we were still very close. Except i came to the realisation that I had always liked her more then a friend, but i guess not having used drugs didnt open my mind up to this thought and i didnt see that perspective. We never slept together. I no longer speak to this girl after i mentioned my feelings.

In the past year the same sort of thing has happend with this other girl. to start with we slept together almost the first day we properly met. i was led on by her for a week or so, she would say she missed me, told me she liked me etc, this was all the meth in her system talking and shit wasnt herself. Anyway she didnt tell me this till about 4 months later, and by then i was completely hooked on her. Then i found out she liked my mate and the feeling between them was mutual.

I accepted this, and accepted the fact that our relationship was more a 'brother sister' type relationship as we continued to hang out and go to places to drink, smoke, play games and chill out and speak about issues and help each other out.. she was like a sister to me, and i was her brother. I was always just too obsessed with her though, like the first girl from school, i felt we were best friends but i always had these extra 'lovey' type feelings towards her, even though i knew nothing would come from it.

Ive never been in a relationship with a girl, and had another girl as a best friend at the same time. I think this is the problem, i seem to always fall for whom ever girl it may be once there is some chemistry. it's a shit go.

I guess my question is, how to you distinguish between a best friend and a girlfriend so to speak? I think its more aimed at the fellas, but maybe not. Like i know girls 'friendzone' when they just want to be friends with a guy and not date, but i dont think that way, at all. If i meet a girl who im intrested in they will be candiates to be gf and friends. Maybe I just need to hang out with other girls and not the same one all the time and these thoughts and feelings would never start in the first place. I dont know.

At the moment no longer speaking to this second girl either as it hurts to see her going out with my 'used to be' best mate. as a result of this, ive had to leave all my mates and stop hanging out with them because there always together, and my anxiety disorder dosent allow me to be around them unless im on xanax.

I dont even know if this is a real question that can be answrred, i just feel pretty lost and confused and wonder maybe its just me who cant control the way they think, because abusing acid and weed at an early age has really fucked with my thought processes.

 

[Pagey]

It sounds to me like you know perfectly well what the difference between a friend and a crush is, since it sounds like you've experienced both. People have crushes all the time - the fact that you often develop feelings for a friend you've also got chemistry with really isn't abnormal at all. I really doubt it's got anything to do with drugs.
Let me just say the 'friendzone' has got nothing to do with girls, you guys do it just the same. You said 'if i meet a girl who im intrested in they will be candiates to be gf and friends'. Well yeah, same if I meet a guy I'm interested in. But if I'm not attracted to him or not interested in him in that way, then I'll be satisfied with having him as a friend. I'm sure you don't want to date all of your female acquaintances.

I agree with pontifex about the social anxiety though, you should really try to ween off the xanax, that stuff will mess you up. We often overplay our 'disablities' because we've got an easy solution for them and don't think we can overcome them ourselves, but it's worth trying. Xanax was one of the worst things that ever happened to me and I really hope you'll try to quit soon.

 

[floatingaround]

I think the line's so blurred there isn't realy much of a distinction, especially for us guys. It takes time and maturity and experience to just learn to arbitrarily set boundaries and keep your emotions/attraction in check. The potential for the spark is always there but you do learn how to stop it from flaring up.

That's pretty much it man. I've had loads of girls as close friends and truth be told I ended up sleeping with a good 90% of them, but getting older now I know how to "cool my jets" so to speak and keep potential passion in check, in fact stop it from building up altogether. It doesn't mean I don't recognise that there's potential sexual chemistry between me and a girl friend, but I just don't allow myself to think of her that way. And it works, and things stay clean and healthy and not messed up .

Man, I did a shit-ton of psychedelics and weed in my early teens too and it fucked me up good and proper, and abused benzos too for a good while when I was 18. This "anxiety disorder" shit is just in your mind; becoming dependent on Xanax at 20 is a bad, bad, bad fucking move. A crutch like that you could end up relying on for the rest of your life, and it's just going to make this "anxiety disorder" worse in the long run. It's normal to have mood swings and feel depressed and shitty at your age, don't let quack doctors stick labels on you and put you on medication that'll fuck you over in the long run.

If you want to stick to meds but want a more benign alternative I suggest you look into pregabalin/gabapentin. Excellent for social anxiety and far, far more benign.

I know that wasn't the question you asked but I feel your pain and confusion and I think you needed to hear this. I'm 24 by the way, I'm not some old fart.

you answered it bro, thanks alot.

 

[floatingaround]

I should just mention im not on xanax, the only time i was able to be around these people was when i was on xanax and this was on one occasional. Ive been through xanax abuse a few times now, and copped terrible withdrawals. I know how bad they can be.

 

[Pagey]

But problems arise when, for example, you get on really well with them, you have a great friendship, she happens to be attractive, not indifferent to your looks, and then things get messy...

I was just pointing out that the same thing happens to girls. I dunno why guys assume we're so much less interested in sex
Anyway OP, sorry if I misunderstood you, pontifex's advice sounds good.

 

[floatingaround]

floatingaround man, empty your PM box, can't reply to you till you do.

should be good to go.