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The days go by...

doofqueen

doofqueen

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 27, 2002
Messages
9,993
Location
Down Under
The sun still rises
The moon still falls
The clock creeps forward
The wind still blows
The child still smiles
The mother wakes up
The school bell rings
The toast pops up
The butter is spread
The bus still stops
The box stays off
Water quenches thirst
Bread suffices hunger
The walls come back up
The carpet crumbles
The room echos
The fridge still murmurs
The cars go by
Chatter continues
and after a day a butterfly dies

I would like to know if you think this poem flows properly and what you think i'm talking about. I'm wondering if its not very obvious at all :\
 
Last edited:
hey hun :) glad to see u stumbled back in here ;)

i liked this. it doesnt need to be fixed i dont think. it flows well. sounds like the person if t is intended that way has a very hectic life and it sounds very routine like.

i liked the way it was worded and the set out :)

mwah hun :)
 
Hey dudette i liked it too...

in regards to the flow, i think it all flows nicely until halos and horns still exist pops up... I just think the sentence was too long in comparison to the rest of the peace.

Maybe something like

The butter is spread
Halos for peace
Horns cause havoc
The bus still stops

and maybe at the end, in the last sentence, put
... and after a day the butterfly dies. With the and at the front of the sentence, it sort of signals an end to the piece.

Apart from that though i still think its a reall nice piece, i like things like that, talking about every day occurances and putting them into a little poem. :)
 
thanks for the suggestions :) i changed it a little bit and i just took the halos bit out, i too actually thought that bit was out of place (but it kinda signified me still exsisting , i just didn't know how to put it symbolically...maybe the butterfly at the end kinda means me really )

funny how it come out different to what i wanted it to say though, it is about the little every day things but more so me missing someone really deeply and just having to deal with the everday things that still are the same but without him *sigh*

starfalls...my life is hectic but its fun =D and it's only routine during the week when i'm being mummy hehehe
 
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