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The Dark Side....it's been awhile

TestOfSanity

TestOfSanity

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 18, 2011
Messages
254
Location
Northeast USA
So the stupid ex heroin junkie in me, started abusing opioids, and now my source was cut off. I even tapered down knowing damn well it was coming, and I just feel horrible. I've taken 240 1 mg kpins over the past month and a half to curb my anxiety. I hold myself together for work and friends and family, but other times I fall to pieces.

My heart is not healthy, and I fear if it gives out my life will have been a waste, for nothing. I've always lived my life in the moment, but now I have regrets for the first time.

Important life changing things are on the horizon. Once again I must try to ignore these demons, and persevere. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, this is just the rambling of an addict, in a hard spot.
 
A friend just txt me saying he could give me 1/8 of an 8mg subutex. Believe it or not that 1 mg at this point will get me high. But what then? It's like teasing myself. Would you do it? Godamn mental cravings are so much worse than the actual withdrawal.
 
^ its not worth it... as addicts we forget the pain and suffering of just 'yesterday'...

one dose of bupe wont be enough, and i think you know that... maybe try and doing something constructive.
 
Those mental cravings are gonna drive you nuts and make you feel like shit for a while. There's no way around it. But it'll be worth it when you come out the other end. Just keep telling yourself that.
 
Sounds like you are in a very powerful transitional time to me. Be careful not to get bogged down in regret and judgment about what you have done and how you have done it so far. It's good to be self critical--that's what moves us along and gets us out of ruts etc, but when it turns to self blame and loathing it has the opposite effect--it keeps us stuck. Fight the cravings any way you can, marshal support from any source, and talk back to your addiction habits with your higher mind.

I hope that your saying "important life-changing things are on the horizon" means that you can feel hope rising inside you. Hopelessness is the real enemy.<3
 
I appreciate the support.

I just can't seem to get away from opioids. I've sacrificed so much in the past to try to stay clean, I left the love of my life. It was the hardest thing I ever did, I just can't imagine losing what friends I have. People literally give me drugs for free. Why? I'm still trying to figure that out, I think their lonely addicts like me, or something like that.

I need to move away from this shit hole town, but I can't.
 
Herbavore, thank you for your post.

I should have been more clear about life changes I mentions. If I hold my shit together, I will have the opportunity to basically be my own boss, and make enough money to live comfortably. However, there is a flip side to all good things. I've never wanted anything more than to move far away from here, having my own business will force me to plant roots. The thought alone of living and dying here to me, is basically the same as dying tomorrow and had only lived the half lived life with nothing to show.

Money means little to me. I once went 4 years without earning a penny, the generosity of others kept me alive. If I died tomorrow would I be doing them an injustice? Maybe that's too philosophical. Sometimes I think if I stay here it's a death sentence. Other times I wish I could enjoy alcohol enough to be alcoholic like my father. Then I could get my fix whenever I need it. My mother once told me, don't feel sorry for yourself, but I never have. I've always questioned the bad, fucked up shit that was done to me as a child, but never felt sorry. It's made me who I am today.
 
^ maybe you should take your recovery more head on... cheque out some aa or na meetings, maybe see a counsellor, etc...

my obsession to drink or use has been lifted, i can truly say that.... if i were to use today it would be by choice
 
The 12 steps don't work for me, an atheist. Counseling may do me some good, but ever since a bad experience with a psychiatrist, it's left a bitter taste in my mouth. I really do appreciate the suggestions though. Sobriety is something I must find on my own. I've found it before. The older we get the more we realize, the past is gone.
 
^ im an atheist... that sounds like contempt prior to investigation to me....

aa and na are spiritual programs, not religious.

a higher power can be your support group, for example.

if your not ready to try anything, it sounds like you really dont want to quit.
 
TestOfSanity said:
Herbavore, thank you for your post.

I should have been more clear about life changes I mentions. If I hold my shit together, I will have the opportunity to basically be my own boss, and make enough money to live comfortably. However, there is a flip side to all good things. I've never wanted anything more than to move far away from here, having my own business will force me to plant roots. The thought alone of living and dying here to me, is basically the same as dying tomorrow and had only lived the half lived life with nothing to show.

Money means little to me. I once went 4 years without earning a penny, the generosity of others kept me alive. If I died tomorrow would I be doing them an injustice? Maybe that's too philosophical. Sometimes I think if I stay here it's a death sentence. Other times I wish I could enjoy alcohol enough to be alcoholic like my father. Then I could get my fix whenever I need it. My mother once told me, don't feel sorry for yourself, but I never have. I've always questioned the bad, fucked up shit that was done to me as a child, but never felt sorry. It's made me who I am today.
Click to expand...

I know that it might be terrifying but you should not lock yourself into something that seems like a prison just because it is the prescribed thing to do. I'm wondering if you mean taking over a family business? If so, you probably have lots of people telling you that you should be grateful to have such an opportunity. That is only true if it feels like what you want to do with your life. If it isn't, don't succumb to the pressure. The need to escape or numb your desire and feelings is only going to get worse over time if your heart isn't in what you are doing. Recovery has to be more than stopping a drug. It means connecting with your authentic self so that you can deal with disappointment, uncertainty and heartbreak when they befall you--and they still will--but you have the strength to weather these things because you have restored faith in yourself. When you go along with the plans laid out by someone else it undermines your strength and stunts your growth.

I don't know how old you are but I know that it is never too late to claim the right to shape your own reality. If you try something and fail, so be it--it was your attempt and your failure and you get to try something new--nothing lost!

As far as being an atheist, so am I but I still got a lot out of the twelve steps. I think what is hard, (and I have learned this from many, many discussions on this subject here in TDS), is that depending on your regional meetings the whole god thing can be overwhelmingly religious/Christian. That was never something I experienced in al-anon here where I live but I have definitely heard it from others. I decided early on that I wasn't going to let it get in my way. It's up to you. If it won't work, I respect that; but I am a big believer in getting help wherever and however you can. You don't have to buy the whole package no matter what anyone says; you just have to make sure you are not making excuses and are always being brutally honest with yourself.<3
 
TestOfSanity said:
The 12 steps don't work for me, an atheist. Counseling may do me some good, but ever since a bad experience with a psychiatrist, it's left a bitter taste in my mouth. I really do appreciate the suggestions though. Sobriety is something I must find on my own. I've found it before. The older we get the more we realize, the past is gone.
Click to expand...

It was explained to me that anything can be a higher power. All I need to know is that I am not god because when I am on a run I am god. My higher power is the universe & all it contains. It is simply more powerful than I am so therefore it is a higher power & that is all I need concern myself with :).
 
That piece of subutex might hold you over, but not for long. I know you're not asking anyone to feel sorry for ya, but I've been there; I feel your pain and I feel bad because I've been there.

I know one poster said not to do the subutex; What if he can't quit on his own with just meetings? Sometimes, people need MMT/Suboxone to get them through. Subs kept me clean 18 months.

I think if someone is not fully prepared to quit, starts getting dopesick and has no maintenance, the urge to use is almost too overwhelming. You know you'll feel better if you do, so it's hard to resist.

I fully understand why some endorse going cold turkey completely, but let's be realistic, not everyone can. I endorse whatever can help someone get clean. That is better than using. If you don't think so, that's your opinion.

If I laid around dopesick without subs, I know what I would be trying to do to get better...Even the numerous times I tried that and wanted to quit 100%, the mental barrier is tough. Meetings and other programs help, but sometimes, the subs help big time with the mental aspect.

Just my two cents, hang in there OP. No matter what, we've been there. It's tough, it don't always work the first time. But you are a human being, you are worth something to this society, and you can do anything you set your mind to!

.
 
SkagKush said:
^ im an atheist... that sounds like contempt prior to investigation to me....

aa and na are spiritual programs, not religious.

a higher power can be your support group, for example.

if your not ready to try anything, it sounds like you really dont want to quit.
Click to expand...


This. Also if money is not important to you, and you hate the idea of settling down there, why would you do it? Just to "be your own boss"? But i thought money wasn't important?

I don't go to NA anymore at all, but I went for several months and it really fucking helped me. Like a lot, and i'd consider myself agnostic.
 
luckyshot04 said:
I know one poster said not to do the subutex; What if he can't quit on his own with just meetings? Sometimes, people need MMT/Suboxone to get them through. Subs kept me clean 18 months.

I think if someone is not fully prepared to quit, starts getting dopesick and has no maintenance, the urge to use is almost too overwhelming. You know you'll feel better if you do, so it's hard to resist.

I fully understand why some endorse going cold turkey completely, but let's be realistic, not everyone can. I endorse whatever can help someone get clean. That is better than using. If you don't think so, that's your opinion.

If I laid around dopesick without subs, I know what I would be trying to do to get better...Even the numerous times I tried that and wanted to quit 100%, the mental barrier is tough. Meetings and other programs help, but sometimes, the subs help big time with the mental aspect.
Click to expand...

I agree with this... I was on sub for a year or so my first time around, and this time around ive almost been on bupe for almost 8 months. This is in conjunction with treatment and meetings / steps. I was terrified to stop a Gram or more habit a day cold Turkey this time around, however now I am now wishing i had just went CT. Im still chained to bupe and the whole process, and when i want to cease I'll still have to deal with withdrawal. The severity determined by my taper plan.

I think if i had to do it again id honestly CT.
 
Hey guys, I'm hanging in here. I did do that piece of subutex, I was so fucked up I could barely keep my eyes open, I only say this as reference to my tolerance. Just 2 months ago I was taking 32 mg of bupe a day, and not feeling anything. I've come so far already. I felt good today at work, no cravings but then again it's boredom that brings those on.

I'd like nothing more than to start walking and not look back, but I can't turn my back on responsibilities I have voluntarily taken on, at least not just yet. The business opportunity is take it or leave it, but it may be the only chance I have to make a decent living for myself, but it's no free ride.

I appreciate all the advice, I can always look here for support. Thanks for that.
 
TestOfSanity said:
The 12 steps don't work for me, an atheist. Counseling may do me some good, but ever since a bad experience with a psychiatrist, it's left a bitter taste in my mouth. I really do appreciate the suggestions though. Sobriety is something I must find on my own. I've found it before. The older we get the more we realize, the past is gone.
Click to expand...

Atheist here as well- ever heard of 'Rational Recovery'? There's meetings all over the USA, look online to find a meeting.
 
SkagKush said:
^ im an atheist... that sounds like contempt prior to investigation to me....

aa and na are spiritual programs, not religious.

a higher power can be your support group, for example.

if your not ready to try anything, it sounds like you really dont want to quit.
Click to expand...
this.
I'm an atheist as well, go to NA daily, and recently celebrated a year clean. it can be done. the universe is my higher power and it works for me. hell, you could use TDS as a temporary higher power if you want to due to comfort issues with a meeting and new people. you have true anonymity here in BL so there's things ill discuss here but not yet in person.
 
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