^Hang in there. A lot of people wait a year before they're confident in telling others they are clean.
The good:
-Clean from tramadol since June/July (have it marked down somewhere) - haven't looked back
.
-Absolutely no 'hard' drug use for well over a year.
-Only drinking beer/wine; no spirits (this has only been about a week though
).
-Switched from cloves to the e-cigarette.
-Eating better and more regularly; attempting to transition into the raw diet after a rough start.
-Decided to shack up with wonderful boyfriend
His kids live with us for half the time as well; we have them from tonight until Wednesday AM (this, for obvious reasons, has kept me sober beyond maybe a pint every couple nights or wine with dinner; never, EVER to the point of intoxication when they're here).
-I genuinely adore the children. I am especially bonded with the 6-year-old, who gets a bit lost here and there. He shows me unconditional love and respect. The 9-year-old is more in his big-boy stage and has more of a sense of mischief. My non-related little one comes with me on errands without complaint. Both boys are brilliant and awesome in their own ways.
-Met a few new friends recently; really chill group, doing fun stuff like festivals and plans to hula hoop on the beach as summer comes to a close. It's fun to just sit back and kick it with nice folks, doggies, the natural beauty of the Northwest, etc.
-My fuse, overall, is not as short as it used to be. I realized I wasn't doing myself or anyone else any favors by being pissy or distant.
-Career and family may get a bit unnerving, but the bills are being paid.
The not-as-good (but not really bad):
-Demands of "step-partnering" are... fucking hard! I'm 31 and don't have bio-kids - that's been intentional as I've been focused on other things.
-As it is not appropriate for me to tell others how to raise their children, I have to suck it up and stay quiet over things like the above.
-I have mentioned in the past that September is a tough month on me. It's the anniversary of several pivotal points in my life (ironic I write this on 9/11
). My mother was born/died in this month. She would have been 56 years old on Tuesday.
-Despite being in treatment for ADD, when you have a live-in partner with bipolar and ADHD who has two ADHD sons, it's hard to make the symptoms disappear completely.
The worst (and it could be worse):
-My partner is awful with money. Absolutely awful with money. If I believed in curses, I'd surely believe. He has no concept of what things cost. We are SAVING money by living together, or rather he is... and it's supposed to be reciprocal. He knows I am keeping a spreadsheet. We need our nights out, but how come I always wind up paying for them?! How much could we have put toward the household necessities by staying in rather than going out this weekend? I'd be able to buy a week's worth of groceries, a haircut, and a pedicure!
-I like the ex as a person. She's nice and a professional and a kind mother. But when she thought I was younger than I am (and I think I look my age), I was very shaken. She is the same age as my partner and that's 9+ years older than I am. She thought I was in my mid-20s and that her ex went after some sweet young thing. Not so much.
-My father nearly lost it over my decision to do this. He thinks I am in over my head. I'm not. I dislike strain in my family. I've asked them for nothing except emotional support. He wants me to come back home for good to adjust. I say it's too expensive and I'm needed out in the private sector, not to mention that I deserve my privacy and sanity. I can achieve a lot more with ADHD kids playing Mario Kart around me as I'm minding them and doing my occupational chores (and they are 'chores' - I find no fulfillment in my career at present; it's boring at best) than I can with my demanding father!
Overall, my check-in is favorable. A lot of adjustments have occurred in a VERY short span of time; adjustments I didn't expect at all. I have long since realized that I am not 'meant' for an easy life. I am happy I did not give up on the good. The Universe has handed a wonderful opportunity to me to make a difference in the lives of many people. I'll simply have to attend to the details... and in the process, I'll have a lot of fun. Once I get a bit more together in the realm of career, higher education, embracing my complicated set of circumstances...
Yes, it's better now than it's been in a very long time.
I've said it before. To all of you who are struggling,
stay strong. If we all keep our focus, love and accept ourselves and one another not
as we are but
because of who we are, I think we'll get through this mess called life with a renewed appreciation for what's important. My continued best to all.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
