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The Dark Side Check-In Thread ver. 2010 > 2009

^^ Good to hear you're doing well hun, great work on being controlled with your concerta <3

trancegirle said:
Hi guys, it's been a while.. I'm not writing myself off every day anymore which is good but i still drink at least a couple of glasses of wine every night. I just moved into a house that is a bit of a 'sober house'. Except for the occasional acid trip they don't really drink or do drugs which will probably be good for me. It's still hard though and with how i've been feeling lately all i've wanted to do is go back to my trusty bottle but i'm trying not to. There's too much at stake this time. But i guess that's always the case isn't it?
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Hey lovely! Great to see you posting in TDS again <3
It sounds like you're doing really well hun, I am so proud of you. Keep up the good work :)
 
Today I'm feeling really recovered from where I was 8 months ago or so and that makes me really happy.
I am emotionally stable and no longer on any psych meds!
 
2009: Serious suicide attempt by massive OD in January that I barely survived. Sectioned 4 times in that one year. Drug use hit rock bottom - turned to IV opiates and amphetamines multiple times a day along with daily cocktails of prescription drugs eventually leading me to almost getting amputated while having sepsis due to hitting an artery. I went to rehab against my will in November, which cleaned me up for the most part.

2010: Longest time without any suicide attempt so far. Still do a bit of drugs, basically alcohol and weed when having the occasional party and soft drugs is all. Manic depression is still extremely bad but trying my hardest, haven't been sectioned at all this year, my record. Still, been kicked out by my roommates after just 2 days due to it and living at my parents' house now. I'm working on getting a job. I convinced a friend/bluelighter with severe addictions to go to rehab. On my 20th birthday yesterday, long story short, I was completely by myself all day so I tripped on DXM and passed out. Here I am at 6 in the morning typing this.
 
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I think I have borderline personality disorder. I was finally pointed in that direction by my ex-girlfriend, and a lot of the symptoms really do line up.
So the rest of 2010 will be dedicated to try and improve mentally and physically. Increase my overall well being.
 
^
good job cloud,theres no better feeling then helping someone.Well for me this was a tough last week for me. Alot of shit went down but i managed to stay clean : ). Today makes it 3 weeks but i still feel pretty shitty.Im still switching between xanax n soma evrey nite to get alittle sleep. So i duno if im really clean but i can say i havent got high in 3 weeks : ).
 
@Cloudburst: I guess when you weigh the pros an cons, you're doing better this year. Which is good. Life's never a picnic, but it sounds like you've got the momentum...it just takes time.

@trancegirlie: It's probably better that the conversation did occur. Even if you feel embarrassed, it takes a huge weight off of your shoulders. So don't feel bad about it at all. I think it was a blessing in disguise that you were able to tell an additional person IRL. As for me, I'll PM ya my update since I don't want to clutter the thread :)
 
Well, this isn't that impressive compared to most of the people on here, but I've managed to avoid cannabis for just over seven weeks since I came back from Amsterdam. The weekend there really got ridiculous, I would wake up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet and still end up rolling a joint. So I decided to give it a rest and I've been totally drug free for nearly two months now! I'm going to Rome in two weeks, it's going to be very difficult to avoid since I always drink a lot and everyone I know there smokes... But we'll see.
 
I think I am kinda wasting away.
A few of the people who I used to be close with all totally started hating on me, and then they are totally giving me the cold shoulder when I try to explain myself.
Then my ex-girlfriend tells me that she thinks I have Borderline Personality disorder and will forever hold a grudge against me. This is her way to totally dismiss me by just considering me crazy. She also is getting as many of our mutual friends to think the same thing about the borderline personality disorder, and they all are totally avoiding me and hating on me, even though just a few weeks ago we were all totally chill.
My ex is very vindictive, and is doing what she can to make me feel even shittier.
I think it is very possible that I do have borderline personality disorder though.
 
Hi everyone... Just letting you know that I'm still around! I've been going through benzo withdrawals so I'm pretty sick at the moment and haven't been able to go online much. :(
 
Ok, clean from opiates and tranquilziers. That is about all I am sure of though...

peace.
seedless
 
Hey guys, Im not sure if i relapsed or not. Basically last night i really didnt feel so well so i decided to snort 2mg of subs. Now i wasnt really expecting much, But i got high as a kite from this. I really feel guilty for getting high. I wasnt expecting that at all i thought mayb id get some relief and thats all. Ive never gotten high from suboxone before n ive taken them plenty for w/d. Now i am tempted to try it again i am only clean for 3 weeks so my paws is a bitch that lasts more then 3 months 4sure cuz ive made it clean for 3 months n still felt like shit. Other then that evreythings still good : )
 
^^ Okay, don't feel too bad about getting high just the once. Like you said, it wasn't your intention to get high, just to get some relief.

But the main thing is that you don't do it again with the intention of getting high. That would be bad. Just stay focussed with staying clean, okay?


Sweet P, good to hear from you hun! Been thinking of you <3


bagochina, so awesome to hear you're clean off opes and tranqs, good work man <3


hyroller, that is a huge achievment hun! Good work!


CoffeeDrinker, have you ever discussed this with a therapist?? Do you think you have BPD? It might be something worth looking in to. Sorry to hear your friends are being douchebags, that really sucks :( Just try to focus on yourself and if you think you need to get a diagnosis, see a therapist to discuss the possibility of BPD.
 
I have a therapist scheduled this coming monday.
I am not sure if I have BPD or not.
I read the list of symptoms, and they certainly can be applied to me lately.

Ever since I decided to try and get sober in December (I made it 4 months of cold turkey before relapsing), I have been REALLY struggling to try and find new friends. I didn't have any sober people in my life, except my ex-girlfriend.
I wanted to try and stay friends with her after the break-up so she could help out me with my sobriety. She ended up fucking her co-worker within a week of the break-up, and would be more than happy if I never spoke to her again. I didn't care because our relationship was over, and I still really wanted to be her friend, but she wouldn't have any of it. My inability to find sober friends, and my inability to let go of her just led to all sorts of arguments and problems and I am in a shittier spot that I think I have ever been in, and it was all triggered by my decision (and subsequent mishandling) to try and get sober.
I am just struggling to live happily.
Hopefully this therapist will help me out.

EDIT: I relapsed because I came down with a bad case of Ulcerative Colitis: I had ridiculous amounts of pain and bloody diarrhea (5-10 time a day), and NSAIDS aren't allowed when you are in the middle of a UC flare-up because of the blood thinning aspect so my dad decided to give me some of his oxycodone and darvocet a little bit each day.
This led me to want more of it, as I'm sure you can imagine.
 
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Still trying to taper down my opiate use. Taking days off in between seems to be helping, but those cold-turkey nights (like last night) are the worst. During the worst of it, I have to keep reminding myself that the less I do it, the better off I'll be, and the closer I'll be to being well. Still, it's hard to handle dragging this out anymore.

I got a job today, after looking for about 7 months, which is a ridiculous amount of time to be jobless, but with the economy in the toilet like it is, I'm lucky I even found one by now. I'm so excited to be able to make some money and move out of my parents' guest room finally. Not sure how I'm going to handle starting work what with the withdrawals I'm going through, except soldier up and do the best I can. Perhaps I will have to tell them I can't start this week, but I don't want to give them some crap excuse and start off on the wrong foot. However, I can't exactly tell them I'm trying to quit a yearslong opiate habit either. :\
 
That's a rough spot to be in smackn' maybe that will be the motivator to help you along thru the wds. maybe some comfort meds to help you get through it. IDK. Telling them you can't start this week could be risky with so many people looking for work. Good luck
 
Been dealing with benzos. Trying limit use on my days off. Days on trying to keep it to the limit of 2 mg tid. I usually use 1-1.5 so I look relaxed and don't have a panick attack every 3-4 hrs rather than the Rx'd parameter of 2 mg @ a time q 6. Usually 1 mg unless its exceptionally crazy. I use 12 mg of sub/ day- 4 mg tid. Trying to tapper but work has been stressful. Like yesterday was a rare lower stress day and I only needed 1.5 mg. Had 1.5 mg plus 1 mg extra I carry for emergencies. Took 30 mg temazepam at home. Plus 24 mg of sub. All this was analogous to the cocktail one has after a tough week. Down on myself for this.

The sub I started for depression and I'm strugling with the benzo- harder than I thought. But the bright side, I havent drank alcohol since 9/3/08, and didn't slip up on tweak or heroin so thats something to be greatful for. Sweet P- hang in their- how is the benzo withdrawl going. I want to turn my new psychiatrist to the Aston method but he is a douchebag. Had to get my benzos from a GP that I had been a long time patient of and qualify for her again now that I have insurance.

Glad now that no one would give me an adderal Rx.


Called my sposor and plan to go to a meeting tonight ( just got a major test for work out of the way)- wish I could do the work I do but have a less brutal job/specialty.

Pray for me guys or send positive energy this way whatever your belief system, got 2 get these benzos under control- and taper off them.

Sweet P good to hear from you, I'll pray you get through this.
 
sid3 said:
That's a rough spot to be in smackn' maybe that will be the motivator to help you along thru the wds. maybe some comfort meds to help you get through it. IDK. Telling them you can't start this week could be risky with so many people looking for work. Good luck
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Thanks :) I stocked up on seroquel, DXM, a little weed, and some alcohol today, which I think will help a lot for the short term. What will help most is a positive mindset.. as long as I can remember it's only temporary and will be ultimately beneficial, I think I can do it. I've done it before and can handle it again.
 
Hey guys, 2day makes it 1 month that i have not touched any opiate except for some subs here n there. Im really shocked i made it this far. Thanx so much to all of u that helped me get clean : ) i know im not out of this fucked up addiction yet but a month is a start. : )
 
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