The Dark Side Check-In Thread ver. 2009 > 2008

[paranoid android]

Hey Wingnut. I hope ya continue to keep on doing good.

I miss talking to you.

 

[OverDone]

I hung out with my high school sweetheart's sister tonight. It was nice. My girlfriend died in 1989 and her sister and I got to reminisce and tell stories of those days. It was sad but pleasant at the same time.

She was my first REAL girlfriend and I lost my virginity to her (jeez, I was so clumsy and awkward!)

Its good to catch up with old friends

 

[Pillthrill]

Checking in. I feel like crap. It seems like everyone is demanding more than I can give, yelling and me and what not and of course there is no one there to support me. I miss all my old friends from high school. Apparently they have all stayed in contact and had a "vacation" back here. I miss them but they forget I exist. I want to just nod it all away, but even the drugs don't make me nod anymore. Everyone is reaching up and higher, and I'm still in the same P.O.S. town, at a dead end job, a dead end fucking life.

 

[wingnutlives]

Well, I'm "back" - my Internet has been restored, hooray! I don't spend as much time on it as I used to, though, because I'm so busy with real-life stuff, but I'll be on here a little more often.

In exactly one week I'm going to quit adderall cold-turkey and this time stay off of it for good. I scheduled the week off work so that I could just stay in bed for seven days if I want to. I am taking rather high doses so I know I'll feel like shit for at least that long. But I am ready to get off of it. It never gets me high anymore, and doesn't even make me feel good - just makes me functional enough to get things done. Being addicted to it has degraded my life a little: I'm underweight and my muscles are weak. I run through a month's prescription in a week (a prescription which I kind of manipulated the doctor into giving me - I was doing adderall before I got prescribed too). So, I have to buy more from friends and that's a good $30-$50 a day). I started stripping mostly to get up the extra cash to do that - I also buy other stuff to calm myself down, especially alcohol which is also really expensive.

I haven't hit rock bottom, but I am disappointed in myself and sick of being addicted - enough to quit. I wish I could just quit right now, but I have to work a lot and if I didn't take adderall I could barely get out of bed. So meanwhile I'm getting things done and out of the way so I can have my week in bed worry-free. A couple days before that I'll stock up on food that's easy to cook and eat, vitamins and supplements, etcetera so I can be totally prepared and detox as comfortably as I possibly can.

Other than the adderall thing.... Life is actually okay, almost good. I'm building up my own event coordination business and have a couple clients already (I work for free right now, until I gain more experience and reputation, but it's still stuff that goes on my resume/portfolio.) I'm making a decent amount of money between my retail job and stripping, and I enjoy all the work I do. Even stripping - I'm lucky to work at a place that's laid-back and attracts a crowd of mostly respectful people, even though I make less money than I would at other places. And dancing is fun and good exercise - it's the IDEA that bothers me. I'm trying to do that by building up my own business and networking, volunteering a lot to gain experience and respect from people. I am extremely smart and I feel resentful that I have to "sell my body" instead of getting paid a decent living wage to use my brain and whole potential.

I'm looking forward to the summer outdoor raves - I'm going to my first one very soon! I can't wait to party while being out in nature, camping and hiking around and just relaxing (as much as I can relax - I'm a workaholic). Still taking care of my garden, and being as sustainable and Earth-friendly as possible, doing some artwork/crafts and spending time with friends (much more productive than therapy ever was - therapy was a waste of time for me!). I'm working on psychological issues and building up the health of my body again, so in general things are looking like they are going well. I just hope I survive the detox!! )

 

[Northside]

I still am off the subs, yay two weeks. I did go on a morphine binge for two days though, that's over now too. I feel great mostly but I wish I had sleeping pills that are just right instead of too weak or too strong.

I wish everyone else well too.

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

Well, I'm "back" - my Internet has been restored, hooray! I don't spend as much time on it as I used to, though, because I'm so busy with real-life stuff, but I'll be on here a little more often.

In exactly one week I'm going to quit adderall cold-turkey and this time stay off of it for good. I scheduled the week off work so that I could just stay in bed for seven days if I want to. I am taking rather high doses so I know I'll feel like shit for at least that long. But I am ready to get off of it. It never gets me high anymore, and doesn't even make me feel good - just makes me functional enough to get things done. Being addicted to it has degraded my life a little: I'm underweight and my muscles are weak. I run through a month's prescription in a week (a prescription which I kind of manipulated the doctor into giving me - I was doing adderall before I got prescribed too). So, I have to buy more from friends and that's a good $30-$50 a day). I started stripping mostly to get up the extra cash to do that - I also buy other stuff to calm myself down, especially alcohol which is also really expensive.

I haven't hit rock bottom, but I am disappointed in myself and sick of being addicted - enough to quit. I wish I could just quit right now, but I have to work a lot and if I didn't take adderall I could barely get out of bed. So meanwhile I'm getting things done and out of the way so I can have my week in bed worry-free. A couple days before that I'll stock up on food that's easy to cook and eat, vitamins and supplements, etcetera so I can be totally prepared and detox as comfortably as I possibly can.

Other than the adderall thing.... Life is actually okay, almost good. I'm building up my own event coordination business and have a couple clients already (I work for free right now, until I gain more experience and reputation, but it's still stuff that goes on my resume/portfolio.) I'm making a decent amount of money between my retail job and stripping, and I enjoy all the work I do. Even stripping - I'm lucky to work at a place that's laid-back and attracts a crowd of mostly respectful people, even though I make less money than I would at other places. And dancing is fun and good exercise - it's the IDEA that bothers me. I'm trying to do that by building up my own business and networking, volunteering a lot to gain experience and respect from people. I am extremely smart and I feel resentful that I have to "sell my body" instead of getting paid a decent living wage to use my brain and whole potential.

I'm looking forward to the summer outdoor raves - I'm going to my first one very soon! I can't wait to party while being out in nature, camping and hiking around and just relaxing (as much as I can relax - I'm a workaholic). Still taking care of my garden, and being as sustainable and Earth-friendly as possible, doing some artwork/crafts and spending time with friends (much more productive than therapy ever was - therapy was a waste of time for me!). I'm working on psychological issues and building up the health of my body again, so in general things are looking like they are going well. I just hope I survive the detox!! )

Stripping takes intelligence.... stupid strippers are only making $ because they're doing extras.

 

[lasthurrah19]

I did EMDR on Wednesday and the doctor wanted me to start with something that wasn't abusive, just painful. So I picked when my cat died in 2007 and I was doing drugs and feel like shit for not feeling the feelings I should have when she passed (even though I was crying for like 2 days and still really miss her). Well, by the end of it I was crying like a baby... and this is over something that was a 2 or 3 on a scale of 1-10 of painful things... how am I going to react when I'm talking about being kidnapped and stuff? He asked me what I thought of what just happened and stuff, and I was like... I think this is going to be waaay harder than I thought. I am willing to do it but I see a lot of hurt and pain coming my way... next week I have a 90 minute session and we are still keeping my SUDs level under 3 if possible. I keep reminding myself, it won't be any worse than when it actually was happening...

Not to mention I can flick the switch and switch into an alter and be totally gone... and while I usually have control over this (after lots of therapy and working on gaining control), there are still certain triggers where I will just be gone, without even realizing. I talked to Alberto (the doc) about this and he said if I switch, we keep doing it, as long as the alter is willing.

Jesus guys, I'm starting to FEEL things. Even after just one session, not about any abuse or anything, I feel very ANGRY that I have to do this in the first place, and start my life over, and learn how to live as a child of 24. But I have this choice, I can kill myself, or I can stay in PTSD/DID symptoms forever. This is the brave way, and I know that. But I also don't trust that I won't just take the coward's way. FUCK I don't know why this is hitting me today and not on Wednesday. OH YEAH, it's because I've been sleeping almost the whole time since then. I've literally been awake for maybe 6 hours since Wednesday at about 8pm. It's been so long since I really, really felt something... because of drugs and dissociation... I know even know I'm not feeling as angry as I could be, but man, it feels weird to feel. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Intellectually I know my "feelings" have been shut off completely, or tuned down to almost nothing, out of necessity since I was a baby. Because of abuse. Because of "emotionally outsourcing" my feelings to alters. What should be basic and integral to a human is just coming back to me...

Right now all I have is anger, and sadness... but it makes me think. Can passion come, too? Passion for my music, for my life, for my future? Can happiness come, too, even if it's fleeting? What about spontaneity? I think I'm really in the thick of it right now, guys. Sorry for the long post.

 

[ocean]

^It sounds like this is going to be really good for you.....
Of course, when you begin to heal from your past , you will get your passion back.........
Anger can be a great outlet for other emotions.....for myself though, I like to be aware of what emotions are behind the anger.......
If I am hurt, or lonely or even envious I want to know those feelings.
If the easiest way to handle that is through anger than it is okay.
At least it is leaving you in some form.....
Not that after being angry the pain is gone....but there is that bit of release..........
I look forward to hearing more about your sessions.........
Hope you continue to feel positive about the outcome!

 

[lasthurrah19]

Honestly I'm pretty scared shitless (which I can tell by rereading my first post), but optimistic, yes definitely. Never thought I could do this kind of work with a man, either, but it worked out that way. I have regular talk therapy/CBT on Monday for 90 mins (with my therapist) and EMDR for 90 mins on Wednesday (with my psychiatrist, who is also a psychologist). Obviously the EMDR guy saw how kinda in shock I was on Wednesday and said don't worry, we will do it slow, if we just have to talk for a session that's okay, etc stuff like that, made me feel better. I'm sure he also doesn't want me to switch or become way over anxious and need to be put inpatient, so there's a balance he needs to facilitate.

 

[ocean]

^Thats awesome....... Exciting!

 

[Outofclosetlurker]

Honestly I'm pretty scared shitless (which I can tell by rereading my first post), but optimistic, yes definitely. Never thought I could do this kind of work with a man, either, but it worked out that way. I have regular talk therapy/CBT on Monday for 90 mins (with my therapist) and EMDR for 90 mins on Wednesday (with my psychiatrist, who is also a psychologist). Obviously the EMDR guy saw how kinda in shock I was on Wednesday and said don't worry, we will do it slow, if we just have to talk for a session that's okay, etc stuff like that, made me feel better. I'm sure he also doesn't want me to switch or become way over anxious and need to be put inpatient, so there's a balance he needs to facilitate.

I think you're doing incredibly well Lasthurrah. Just since you joined BL, you've made awesome progress. I was reading about EMDR and it sounds really intensive. I think you're really a brave young woman facing your problems as aggressively as you are in therapy.

I've never had EMDR but I have been in therapy and I know about keeping your feelings locked up inside and the pain of getting in touch with those feelings and allowing yourself to feel them after years of keeping them locked up inside. It is exhausting but I started feeling tremendous relief at finally being able to talk about some of the things I had kept locked up and acknowledging to myself that I was NOT to blame for what had happened.

Please keep us posted on your progress. You're doing soooo well.

 

[cosmic charlie]

You ever get so mad you might explode

Sometimes I just wanna crack someone in the jaw and kick there teeth in

I need to get out of this place soon because it's poison

I don't wanna go back to the pen on a murder rap

 

[krayzieandie]

I'm new, but wanted to check in anyway. I used to be hooked on Oxys/pain killers but have been clean March 2007 and I'm really proud of myself. The only thing I do now is indulge in smoking weed every few months, and definitely not around my child. He deserves a great mom, and is who inspires me to stay clean even when tempted.

 

[Mariposa]

Whoa, an EMDR patient! Many PCs your way, friend I plan to try it in future.

I got quite a shock around this time 48 hours ago. My landlady basically had to demolish my dining room due to a neighbor's slow drain. She's ripping out the pipes in half the building... through my (now former) apartment.

But as luck would have it, a better apartment opened up directly upstairs from where we were. We are 90% moved into it today. We can't cook because the kitchen water lines have to be off until all the work is done.

This is the disgusting hole full of sewage in my old place (RIP original oak floors). It's work safe, just large photo:

NSFW:

The cats were upset at first because of the jackhammer noise yesterday. They honestly would have achieved the same results had they put a quarter stick of dynamite in the hole. It's just a big bloody mess and our furniture is all over.

We leave for 5 days out of town on Thursday too. Well, the good news is that we get a way nicer apartment that will be easier to clean (the oak floors really were a bitch to clean) for the same price. tenant-favored rent control. Since we can't cook (can't wash dishes), our landlady is reimbursing everything we submit receipts for.

An example of taking life kind of as it comes, being flexible, and working hard as a good neighbor and reputable businessperson - all lessons I needed a refresher course in doing. I'll be around some, but mostly away from the board through the end of my vacation. Tomorrow is Pride and Monday is my boyfriend's 27th birthday. I will probably need a vacation after my vacation, but there's much work yet to be done.

 

[ocean]

^Please tell me all the black mess in those photos is NOT sewage.

When is your vacation? I must have missed this- where are you going??
Have a blast and Happy Bday to your lver

 

[Dave]

lasthurrah-- EMDR can be very very intense. Remember that you're in charge, and that if you need a breather don't feel like you're wimping out by taking one. You're basically re-living trauma, that's not something to be taken lightly. But since the end result is freedom, it's well worth it.

Mariposa-- Ew. It's great that you get a new place out of it, and that you have such a cool landlady, but what a mess. Also, +1 on EMDR. Do it sooner rather than later (once you're settled in your new place-- you'll need somewhere comfortable to decompress), you'll be glad that you did.

 

[dilated_pupils]

I'm about 72hrs off suboxone right now and I'm actually doing well other than having to go to the bathroom many times a day which is really irritating. I found that doing 2mgs every other day doesn't work well, and that taking a larger dose works for me for 4+ days which is really good. Hopefully I can finally get off this suboxone for good.

-dp

 

[lasthurrah19]

Outofclosetlurker and Dave - Thank you, those words mean a lot to me! Freedom is what I want, I want to feel alive and human, I would say "again" but I've never really felt that way. I went straight from one set of abusers (family and family "friends") to being kidnapped for 4 years, to drugs for 3 years or so, then into therapy in Feb. 2008, and just recently got raped (December) by a "friend" of someone I met in inpatient therapy. Sad I know, but perps know there are lots of victims in group therapy... this girl was still in her cult that she was supposedly trying to get out of, trying to recruit people. She also did a bunch of other stuff like call the cops on me and pit my alters against each other, but that's another story. I know that ultimately I am in charge of the flow of the EMDR, and I do trust the psychologist, otherwise I could never do it. Before we started he asked me how I felt and I told him I was scared but that I was confident I could say "stop" if I need a break for a minute, a week, a month, or forever. He was happy to hear that. I was really upset when all we did it about was my cat dying in 2007 so far I can't imagine how it will feel with the other stuff... sure I feel really guilty about that cat, I did take GREAT care of her all the time, and basically was her little hospice on her last night, but I was also doing drugs and feel bad for not being clean on her last night/morning. Still the emotion attached to that was overwhelming - I can't imagine...some of the really dark a disgusting stuff... but I will do it and I will do the best I can, and then I never have to relive that shit again. As it is I relive it all the time anyway. Better to relive it with someone there to keep me safe and hopefully grounded while I process it.

Mariposa - That's a screwy story, but at least you have a half sane landlord who is reimbursing you for everything. I also encourage you to try EMDR from what I've seen so far I already feel a bit better from doing like a 20 minute warmup session and not even finishing processing one memory yet.

Cosmic Charlie - hang in there

krayzieandie - Welcome, you'll get lots of support here. Way to go in kicking the Oxy habit, you have some great time on that!

 

[Northside]

I'm about 72hrs off suboxone right now and I'm actually doing well other than having to go to the bathroom many times a day which is really irritating. I found that doing 2mgs every other day doesn't work well, and that taking a larger dose works for me for 4+ days which is really good. Hopefully I can finally get off this suboxone for good.

-dp

Yay Yay yay!!! you definitely can ,I did! I'm proud of you . It's been sixteen days for me.

 

[Mariposa]

Checking in.

Well, as planned, boyfriend and I have moved into the newer, upstairs apartment. I'm sitting at my desk which during the day has a view of lovely trees and if I crane my neck, the hills containing our local Cyclotron. Out of his office, again with a very craned neck, you can see the bay. We're pretty well settled in and almost unpacked. Party at Mariposa's later this summer! :D

Still doing fine with booze and down to benzos about 2-3 times a week now. Still eating more healthfully and keeping a more regular schedule. Nothing is out of control at the moment. I have waited forever for a time when I could say that, and I am relieved beyond my own comprehension.

It's been a lot of hard work.

I start with a new therapist who does CBT on Tuesday so we can finally get at the root causes of my panic disorder. I really don't want to be on psych meds the rest of my life, even benzos.

How is everyone else doing this weekend? We really shouldn't let this thread drop off the first page. It is always a relief to hear that someone is thriving or have the opportunity to help if they are not.