The Dark Side Check-In Thread ver. 2009 > 2008

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At my wit's end. Lost, scared, confused. Feel more alone than I have ever felt in my life, screaming and fucked up inside but somehow this shit is what keeps me looking normal and good to the people on the outside. It's killing me but without it I'll fail.
 
Still sober & not suicidal :) Survived the sub-manic episode from the weekend (just barely!!)

Deadbeat roomie was supposed to leave - and now isn't - but that's the only tangible part of my misery; the rest is tapped out until the next brain-drain strikes with no warning ... back to beloved mania in the meantime; I'm stripping my life down a few more levels though, hardly anything left!
 
Now I'm spending a weekend out of town with my family .. Have to drink a bit (to keep up appearances).
@ least I get out of my own house away from the guy living in it.
Got an ultimatum today @ work -- double output or lose the job. Already 400% overclocked.
Wish I could move but I'd lose my life savings .. Damn this economy! I don't believe in debt but needed a place to live; all the irresponsible Americans drag me down with them.

Maybe I'll sell my gun. Got rid of my computer so not much of value to steal.
 
I'm here. Down off the high, not fucked up. Feel kinda sick but I'm glad I got myself under control. Sean and I are honestly great at the moment. And I found a place that might be able to help me get a job, appt. and meds. But I haven't called yet. Also won tickets and backstage passes to a concert... so ups and downs but its looking more and more up.
 
i'm battling cravings lately. they pass but I hate thinking of that first shot of good blow. my heart races, stomach gets butterflies and i get very anxious. I CAN'T stick that shit in my arm anymore so I just need to let the fantasy go. School needs to be foremost in my priorities since it will occupy my mind and keep me busy.

The sad part is that I have fleeting thoughts of banging meth. I never shot it before and hopefully never will.

Time will tell. I guess I'm just weak at the moment.
 
Not doing very well. I have been using a lot and staying up for two days in a row many times (studying, getting things done, but a lot of fucking off too) and it's made me sick. Under a lot of stress and I don't know how to take care of myself. There's a lot of pressure on me from classes, but also from friends who feel I should be paying more attention to them, but I don't have the time to hang out with every one of my friends often. I've taken on WAY too much. I want to stop using but I can't - I can't afford to even take one day off to detox and recuperate. So many people are depending on me.
 
so angry and sad. Woke up this morning wanting to kill myself and the feeling has just increased. The only thing keeping me from driving my car off the fucking bridge is knowing I'm just going to take some seroquel, sleep, and get high in the morning.

My roommate and I are splitting up, our lease finishes at the end of April but I don't think she's really even going to be here anymore. Am going to just go drop out from SF state tomorrow since im failing two out of 3 after missing midtems today. really hope I still have a job when I wake up tomorrow. Haven't heard from the boy which is really strange, despite texts and phoe calls. I think I at least deserve. To be broken up with in.A text message, seriusly take the 20 seconds out of your day asshole.

Hah, and to think I was really going to try and get clean from methamphetamine today. Laughs laughs laughs.
 
I know the feeling wingnut. I got so sick during finals and before at college that I actually had to change schools. I lost 20 pds in 2 weeks, couldn't eat or sleep (no time, sleep maybe 2 hours a night), my hair was falling out from all the stress and the dr was still refusing to give me any benzos even though I have an anxiety disorder
bad deal
I get ya hun. You know where to find me if you need me <3
 
I guess I'm willing to understand why my roomie drinks daily, even after quitting / having a suspended sentence hanging over his head.
A few bad decisions, some bad luck, and a healthy dose of Life, and you go from having the World to Nothing.
Once you reach a certain depth, it seems highly improbable to ever recover (and bipolarity doesn't help, as we both know all too well).

I'm still employed and paying all the bills; today I received word that my hours might be cut 62.5% (and was again told to double production or be laid off). I'm wondering if losing my house and living in my van (has never run) wouldn't be more fitting for someone as unstable as myself.
Also saw my former best friend today, twice, by chance, from a distance. A sad reminder of happier times.

I've again been downsizing what's left of my life, and I wonder if (or how long ago) I've set myself on a final path towards non-existence. I thought I'd given up on self-destruction, but I guess I never replaced it with anything, so regression is the logical result.

Try to have a safe & healthy weekend everyone.
 
I am so dreading this weekend. :(

This night has sucked already, so tomorrow and Sunday are just going to be worse (thank god it's not another three day weekend! aaahhh). My roommate is not going to be here (is trying to figure out a better "living situation" until our lease ends). I've spent every weekend in the past two months with the boy, so this one will be lonely. Am going to be checking my phone hourly too most likely, ugh.

I'm not much in the mood to go out with my friends and their boyfriends, really don't want to get drunk and get hit on/feel like I need to find a new boy. I just sort want to stay in (but none of my friends stay in on the weekends :p). I'll be working a lot but the evenings/nights are going to be really lonely without him or my roommate being in the apartment. :( Am afraid there's going to be a lot of meth going up my nose in the next 48 hours.
 
Mia, get some valerian root or kava (maybe benzoes?) and use that to quell your anxiety, don't take meth just get some quality sleep on the nights you're alone. Your body and mind will thank you for it next week :)
 
Just checking in, letting everyone know I'm all good n shit, fucken sucks my new place doesn't have internet, should really sort something out I guess.. Miss you all xxx
 
Just checking in, letting everyone know I'm all good n shit, fucken sucks my new place doesn't have internet, should really sort something out I guess.. Miss you all xxx

Hey Libby, great to hear from you lovely!! I've been thinking about you. Hope you're doing great in your new place! <3 <3 <3
 
Yeah it's a shithole, but its cheap, so shall be making good savings.. I've made friends with boy who lives upstairs so can use his internet sometimes, yes, but its real shit and disconnects every minute and have to redial, annoying, but yeah, I try come on here more now :D I missed you guys so so so much!
 
^PT, I just sent Libby a PM asking her to check into this thread and let us know how she's doing if she can. Hopefully she is safe and happy and in a place where she can let us know how she's doing.

Has anyone heard from Kerrigan or Gorgoroth lately? Those two are also on my radar.
 
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