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The Dark Side Check-In Thread ver. 2009 > 2008

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I tossed all my drugs & paraph. tonite .. Who hasn't done that one before?

I'm silently wishing harm upon my deadbeat unemployed alcoholic friend who has taken over my house. I can't get a minute of peace in my house or almost anywhere in the city (and I'm too poor to escape)
Hopefully this soul-crushing despair/anger will somehow keep me sober .. As I'm feeling the effects of what self-abuse through prolonged addiction do .. It never helps in the end :(
 
im checking in to TDS
I flushed the last of my opiates down the toilet on Friday. Started using suboxone the next day and am only going to use the suboxone this week to help with the withdrawals

if my s/o is going to be sober i need to support him and help myself
cuz if i am going to be there for him, i need to work on myself first
 
Last year provided me with a horrible IV coke habit that took almost everything from me. Four (five?) overdoses and a failed suicide attempt.

Today its a different story! I haven't used drugs in quite a while. I never counted my clean time from drugs because I still drink. I almost had 7 days completely clean (including alcohol) a week and a half ago.

I started college today with a major in Human Services - Drug and Alcohol Studies. I have 32 or 34 more credits to go to get my Associates Degree which will hopefully qualify me to work in a rehab facility or hospital.

I'm back on anti-depressants and, as a whole, feel good. I'm starting to see glimpses of the old me.

I'm very grateful to all the Dark Siders that have been so accepting, compassionate and REAL when I needed somewhere to turn.

Its amazing the changes I see in myself. I hope I never stick that shit in my arms again. I don't know if I could go through that way of life again.
 
its great to see the turnaround in u OD
u all know where last yr took me
i was clean for most of the yr and staunchly going to NA but then had to switch benzos and was told by NA members that i wasnt clean anyway cos of the meds i was on
i left NA angry, the valium i had started on (switched from clonazepam) made me lose my inhibitions and i slowly started to use opiates again, starting with codeine, then oxycodone then finally heroin
shit hit the fan - i was back to a full-on habit....luckily i caught it early this time and spent new yrs in detox
now im on sub maintenance
i do an intensive outpatient program to work on my issues with impulsivity and drug abuse
so far this yr all ive used is a bit of weed.....oh and the subs
i dont even dare drink anymore just cos im worried about loss of inhibitions
i hav major goals to get off valium, then off suboxone this yr
then to get a job and hav a life like i had once before......
ive met a special partner, paul - we care about each other very much, and i see this yr as hopefully a much less tumultuous one than last yr
much luv and luck to u all
 
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Not a good day for me. Was supposed to be with Sean here all day...but we fought.
I ran out of Tramadol the day before yesterday and craved it so bad last night, plus forgot to take my mood stabilizers, and of which could be why I was such a mess. Panic attack last night, felt like the whole world was crashing down when nothing was, even 4 k-pins did nothing for that. I just wanted to wake up and Sean be here. Well we fight and I'm a horrible bitchy crying mess. He would ask "Stop, stop crying" as I had been for hours...and I couldn't. I had no control of my emotions and the emotions drove my actions and behavior. The depression came back and at one point I said I just needed a handgun. We are ok now...I kinda just let it slip that I loved him. I didn't expect him to say it back. It just was something I didn't think about and felt like it should be said at that moment. Now, with schedules, lord knows when we will get to see each other again...that is when one of us isn't sleeping. His 3rd shift and my school. I'm depressed. Feel free to put spaces in my mindless ramble.
 
As someone who doesn't even have the luxury of seeing their boyfriend once a week, let alone once a month, instead of focusing on the time you *cant* see him, why dont you focus on the times you *can* see him instead.

You will be happier PT.
 
Don't let some guy be the reason you're happy. A relationship is supposed to be an enhancement to your life not the main focus. Go to school, study, post, whatever makes you happy and enjoy the time he is around. Use your psych as your support, not him. It's not fair for him to deal with the ups and downs of depression. He's just a guy who really likes you, and he is probably not equipped to deal with emotional issues.
 
He spent the whole weekend we me. I'm SO happy. He makes me smile and took me to meet his friends and I did great, just like I belonged there. I think hes amazing and wonderful.. and I get to see him midweek, which is good. I'm SO happy I could just CRY!
 
Just checking in and sending my love to all my Dark Siders <3
I've been really preoccupied lately with some personal issues, things are working out nicely now but the limited time I have had on BL is spent in SO ;)

I'll catch up with you all soon! <3
 
19 days no meth. And it still hasn't gotten any easier, still drinking myself into an oblivion every single night. Sigh.
 
19 days is awesome claire - but its early days
after 6 yrs of using it evry day dont expect it to suddenly get better
im a yr and a quarter off it and i still crave most days
try not to cross-addict to alcohol
alcohol is easily as destructive as meth even if it takes slower to catch up on u
maybe u need to b looking into drug counselling
congrats lady, and im happy for u pillthrill, although i agree with others, try not to let sean b the reason u feel the way u feel
no guy will treat u how u feel u need to b treated 24/7 and it may scare him off if u start relying on him for ur emotional security!
ive got the usual complaints - not enough sleep, partly cos im not taking my dexies, partly cos its the worst time of the yr for asthma atm and im waking having attacks most nights wen i actually do sleep (my poor bf....)........friends letting me down (one, georgina, was sposed to come to lunch today so i didnt go riding with my farm friends jo, millie and steve, then she rang to say shed got drunk and cudnt make it - shes an alcoholic and i cant hav her drunk round my bf whos also an alcoholic but not drinking)......ozzy the dog still jumping up at ppl at off-lead parks (ripped a guys t-shirt yesterday and he threatened to call dog control on us saying ozzy was vicious but ozzy didnt even aim for his skin, he just rips clothing...hes a puppy, just a ginormous one....)
so life has its downs and dramas atm.....but its got some major ups too - the biggest being my bf, paul
wow - wat a keeper - he looks like the young version of james hetfield from metallica and has a soft heart and a sense of humour
hes hilarious wen hes stoned!
 
claire22 said:
19 days no meth. And it still hasn't gotten any easier, still drinking myself into an oblivion every single night. Sigh.
Click to expand...

You have to start somewhere. Now you have the alcohol to work on. But I'm proud of you thats good since I know its hard for you. Often you need someone to say, good job and pat you on the back.
 
True Sean shouldn't dictate my mood. I'm just happy with him. Plus he has shown a desire to spend more time with me than just the weekends as well. So we miss each other. But he wouldn't want me to be upset, he would tell me to focus on something else.
 
19 days off is a good achievement, claire.. really good, compared to 6 solid years of abusing.
listen to DW and don't replace meth with alcohol all the time. gaining another dependency is the last thing you need at the moment.


glad to hear you have your b/f dw.. i have been spending enormous amounts of time with my g/f.. i think its good (and healthy) how an SO brings on emotions in you that regular mates cant.
i have been so busy with my g/f and friends lately that i have had severely weak amounts of bL usage time
 
Thanks dude. Yeah 19 days is a fucking long time for me! :| Considering 6 1/2 years every.single.day without fail. I've come a long way. But the alcohols becoming an issue, and I'm craving a puff so bad. I still have my pipe in the kitchen I can't chuck it out. I am weak.
 
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