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The Dark Side Check-In Thread ver. 2009 > 2008

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I am, sometimes I can't contain myself. Today has been a "down" day. But tomorrow can always be better. A lil down I only get to see Sean once this week. But thats just a quick change.
 
Welcome back, PT! Missed ya and congratulations on the new guy! I hope he adds to the happiness you deserve!
 
Pillthrill said:
Hi,
You may already know me. But I would like to reintroduce myself and make a fresh start. I know that life doesn't have do overs, but there are second chances for those willing to grant them. The truth is I REALLY don't want to leave BL, there have been days where BL was all I had. I have made friends here and I care to help them and hear how they are doing. I hope that they may feel the same about me.

I understand that not everyone may be happy to see me back, I have prepared myself for that. But I will do my best to show the true person I am, a kind, giving, honest, understanding, non judgemental, sensitive, loving person.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I don't have my flaws I do, but I am willing to make an honest effort to just how I'm human that's all. I know you all have you're own very painful complex lives to deal with and don't need more to deal with. I'm just asking to a second chance to help others, and show the better, and hopefully steady recovery.
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This post makes me really happy! I too would like to make a clean start with you. I am really looking forward to getting to know the real Pillthrill, the you beneath the BPD :)

I am also so excited that you found such a cute and loving boy! Physical touch is mentally healing so I am relieved to hear that you too cuddle a lot. I bet you're enjoying it too ;) <3
 
Thank you for all the love. I think hes pretty damn cute myself. :)

Seriously though, I know I wasn't the only one hurt in my whole self-centered BPD fallout. Not the first time that has happened though...For those that I hurt. I want you to know that I am deeply sorry. I would never want to hurt someone on purpose as much as it seems sometimes. I am a very loving person when you can take the time to get me. <3

That said, (I couldn't think of a better place for it.) lets move on.
 
Pillthrill said:
Thank you for all the love. I think hes pretty damn cute myself. :)

Seriously though, I know I wasn't the only one hurt in my whole self-centered BPD fallout. Not the first time that has happened though...For those that I hurt. I want you to know that I am deeply sorry. I would never want to hurt someone on purpose as much as it seems sometimes. I am a very loving person when you can take the time to get me. <3

That said, (I couldn't think of a better place for it.) lets move on.
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You didn't hurt me, but it's nice to see a turnaround in you. I hope it isn't a co-dependency on this new guy. Even if things don't work out, you should hold on to this new improvement.
 
2007 was the year the shit went down for me, but that carried on from a shitty 2006 when my marriage ended.

2007 began with great promise, but I made the wrong decisioms and spiralled out of control with a major addiction to methamphetamine, and was also abusing heroin, ketamine, xanax, basically everything.

This in turn cost me my future with friends, carreer and my family found out.

2008 compared to that- actually sucked less. But it still sucked. Why? I was trying to live life as a normal person without trying to change my drug addiction and related relationship problems.

This year began with sobriety, but in the company of someone I should have get go of at the end of last year. This year is recovery year. Its lonely, soull destroying, isolating and at times very desolate.

Despite all the good sobriety obviously does, the price of it is also huge. I cant hang out with my friends who do drugs. This is what stopped me from going sober a long time ago. The time has come to make these changes and its very sad. At 33, /i begin again.

Hopefully it will work. It should be a good year when I learn to be me again without drugs and without carrying the mistakes of the past on to new relationships.

PHEW. I want a puff god dammit
 
Zephyr, have you considered getting a dog? I don't know if you have one or if it's feasible for you, but I feel so fortunate to have my dog. 2008 was complete shit for me and I'm still trying to get through this "one year ago he was breathing and now he's 6 feet under in a coffin." I think about it alll the time and right now it's especially hard. February 15th will be officially 1 year since I had seen him alive.

That being said, my dog has really helped me. They are work and all that, but they get you outside and I have to say that even when I'm feeling really down the dog can make me laugh. It's just a suggestion. It might help you cope a little.
 
zephyr said:
2008 compared to that- actually sucked less. But it still sucked. Why? I was trying to live life as a normal person without trying to change my drug addiction and related relationship problems.

This year began with sobriety, but in the company of someone I should have get go of at the end of last year. This year is recovery year. Its lonely, soull destroying, isolating and at times very desolate.

Despite all the good sobriety obviously does, the price of it is also huge. I cant hang out with my friends who do drugs. This is what stopped me from going sober a long time ago. The time has come to make these changes and its very sad. At 33, /i begin again.
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Even if you don't agree 100% with a group or organization it might be good for you to affiliate with a group that is largely non-drug using. Recovery need not be soul destroying, a lot of things are unmasked in periods of not using, which can quite frankly make us feel ugly and socially unredeemable. Those feelings are not true. It is completely your choice, obviously, but some social connectedness might help you restore your soul and feel better about the whole process you are going through. Respect and wishes for increased wellness, to you Zephyr.
 
^ I was recommended by my shrink to join an organisation called GROW which is more for people with mental health issues than addiction. I am kinda flat and over people so am not motivated to get out there right now. Im going to bed on that note. Things seem better in the morning, at night Im just a mess. :(
 
I'm glad that I didn't hurt some people. If I did feel free to stand up and say I did and I will offer you a personal apology for whatever I said. I don't ever want to hurt someone, simply because I know how painful it is to be hurt.

Anyway, my boyfriend, yes he asked me, like 15 days after our first date. But you know what, you should go with what you feel not what society says. We are taking it slow sexually, as slow as we can, just because I know how bad that can mess things up. We are hitting some road blocks. We got into it last night, he lives like idk 30 min to a half hour away and I live with my parents and I had to make him leave before they woke up and accused me of having stay all night had being a whore by having sex with him and that I need to set a better example for my 18 year old brother...I need to get out of here. He was mad and said that he wished he hadn't come at all then. I was crushed. That he though all that time with me was just a waste. (He later said he was sorry, he didn't want to leave and was acting like a baby about it.) I didn't WANT him to leave, but I know there could he some nasty consequences for me and maybe him. And then he brought up the distance thing on top of it how he can't be here all the tome and I can't be there because they don't have central heat and its -12 out. I really thought he was calling it quits, I thought he was leaving. I was already crying and he took me in his arms and I asked him please not to leave me, I care about him so much. We talked, while his car ran for an hour (he had gone out warm it up) he says everything will be ok, we will make it work. I Just care about him so much and I worry that he doesn't feel as much as I do and I'm just sitting waiting for him to leave...

I really need to get into therapy and have some be able to rationally get me through this. he makes me WANT to get better and he wants to help me. He knows how afraid I am to be left, but all I want in the world is to make him happy, because if he is. I will be too.

(If this belongs in a journals mods, just let me know and I'll move it over there. NBD :) )
 
Pillthrill said:
I really need to get into therapy and have some be able to rationally get me through this. he makes me WANT to get better and he wants to help me. He knows how afraid I am to be left, but all I want in the world is to make him happy, because if he is. I will be too.
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Sometimes you have to a reach a breaking point before you take a big step like starting therapy. I needed therapy for a LOOOOOONG time but I didn't get it until I hit rock bottom and was suicidal. I cannot reiterate enough how important it is to find the right therapist for you. I went through a few therapists before I settled on one, and I stuck with her for three years. My mental health drastically improved, although not at first. Therapy is difficult and definitely not easy. But in the long term, it is so important. I am still using the skills I learned in therapy 3 years ago today!
 
I'm not sure how I'm doing... I have been working a lot and studying full-time, plus all the other little things, takes up more than 60 hours a week. I am physically a mess. I have no appetite and have been eating about one meal a day (trying to force myself to eat more), and sleeping about three or four hours a night (except for one or two nights a week where I catch up with twelve hours or more of sleep). I got prescribed adderall, which is how I'm able to do this not-sleeping, but I've almost used up my month supply in less than two weeks. Doing ever-increasing amounts because my tolerance is getting high. And I have been doing a ton of other non-prescribed drugs, binge drinking, kinda going a little out of control since I either want to be motivated to work, or forget about everything.

I feel very stressed out, caused by doing everything at once! And I feel anxious about how people think about me, like they might think I'm a flake or a bad friend or that I don't care about the class they're teaching - I constantly feel like I should reassure people that I'm really trying to please them and I don't want them to be thinking badly of me.
 
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