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The dark life :^}

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Selfless

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 28, 2011
Messages
29
Mostly everyone dislikes me most of all myself. Don't want to be a pity party attention whore so I keep it to myself. Locked away in a room almost 24 hours a day. No social interaction, in a way it's relieving that way. Social media makes me upset, so I got rid of that. I replay negative memories. A year and a half ago I was the opposite. Within then I've been through a horrible breakup and addiction, as well as 6 month halfway house program. I am clean now but so so miserable that I tune my life out to games or internet, cause numb is better. It's impossible for me to get over damaged relations. Harmful words that were said to me, and harmful things that I have done as a result of my addiction somehow find their way into my thoughts and induce a guilt trip usually once a day. Shame, embarrassment, guilt, every day. People are fickle by nature.

I'm 20 but I feel so worn, like I've lived and died thousands of times already. I'm old inside. I've lost passion I once had to pursue creation and mathematics. My fire has burned and it's peak is over. I'm comfortable with the thought of death, and think about it, but I never would. It almost seems like a better fit though. Why extend a life of suffering (1stworldproblemsrite? Yeah I'm an asshole).

Fuck. I wont ramble on anymore. The simple thought that this is on some medium provides a small sense of relief. I'll be able to sleep now, so thank you for that Bluelight. Sorry if inappropriate.
 
^hi selfless you are not alone, I can't remember how many times I have felt that way, I went through a lot too and there were times when I just want to give up. Emotionless works most of the time but we cannot fully shut our emotions off because emotions are part of being human.

I will not go into details of my life but I hated the world and I must admit that there are still times when I would have so much anger towards certain people who made my life a living hell but despite of it all, I was able to find happiness in small things. if people are shutting you down with unkind words, you dont listen to them. Everyone has the chance to make themselves better, and I have also done horrible things and regretted them. It takes a lot of time but once you get deeper into re building yourself, everything will fall back into place. I am in no position to preach or tell you what to do but if i am basing my experiences with painful things i went through, there is always a revelation that happens, something that will give you strength and hope to get out of darkness.
 
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A lot of us have felt that way at times. I know I did/do. I've spent a lot of time hating myself and thinking that even my friends didn't really like me because of *insert absolutely ridiculous reason here*. A lot of it was completely manufactured in my head and got a lot better after I actively tried to better my life.

You've probably realized that getting clean was the easy part. The hard part is afterwards when you have to fill the time in your life you used to devote to being an addict with something else. Nothing is probably the worst thing you could do. It certainly was for me. Find something to fill your time with something that's stimulating, ride a bike, find a hobby, get a pet(only if you can commit to caring for it), go out with friends, something, anything positive. What helped me was two of those things combined. I found a hobby that was a pet, lol. I put together a saltwater fish tank. It required a lot of research and learning on the fly, but most importantly it was extremely distracting and time consuming. Keeping your mind distracted will be the best thing to keep the bad thoughts at bay. That's my advice. Hope it helps.
 
Thank you both for taking the time to read what I wrote and responding :). I was in a very "dark side of life" when I wrote that. Though my life has been better lately mentally, I'm still living a very shutin isolated lifestyle which is bad. I have had one close friend that lives here that's chilled with me now and then, and some friends i can text ect.

Thank you for the empathy Maya. I definitely that it takes time, but you rebuild yourself and things gradually get better. As for a "revelation", possibly, I don't know the future. I do think though that it will have to be all my will. I'm going to start going to the gym soon with that close friend. And I've been doing a pretrial diversion program to get my only misdemeanor wiped off my record, over in 2.5 months, when that is done I will be able to get a job.. and I'm able to go to school. These 3 things will just take confidence and desire strong enough I spose, but I think, or I hope, that when all applied, must improve quality of life.

Thank you ATLL. Definitely true. I've quit countless times lol. Apart from the negative things I got from the halfway house experience, I did take some knowledge away, one of those being that, like you said, its best to keep busy, which I have not been doing well as of late. Thank's for reinforcing this for me.
 
Selfless, you have been/going through nothing new to the human race. I'm 58 and feel like I have been through the wringer but I just look back on all the things I did and the things that happened to me and smile that I made it through. Due to drugs I lost a 25 year marriage, 2 years ago I had a spinal cord stroke and can only walk with a walker, but fuck it, I am still here kicking and screaming!!

You are only 20 with the best part of life ahead of you. Things WILL get better, and that is the bottom line. I went through what you are on 4-5 occasions, two that I mentioned and though it took some time I always came out on the other side with that little smile still intact, and so can you.

There are many on here that will/do relate to what you are going through so keep your chin up and know that you will only be better and wiser for these life experiences!
 
^yes you are young selfless and you will experience more in life. I hope you are doing better hun.
 
I went through periods of being very pissed off at everything and life in general. I still do every now and then though my world view is not as negative as it once was i don't think. I'm only 32 but my 20's where rough as fuck so it feels like i'm older sometimes mentally atleast. But your only 20 and believe it or not things do get easier. there are healthier ways of channeling that anger and sense of alienation then taking drugs and barin yourself up in a room all day. I've done that myself and it gets boring rather quickly. Perhaps take up boxing? It does help with anger issues or any exercise will help really.

But ya your only 20 and trust me you'll experience alot more things good and bad soon enough. I guess all i can say really is hang in there
 
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