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The cycle continues...

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whiplashWRX

Greenlighter
Joined
Oct 7, 2015
Messages
7
Location
Canada
Ugh. After a relapse I ended up getting out of town for a while and I was happy because I knew I wouldn't have any connects. I was 34 days deep. I still drink on occasion because alcohol holds no power over me. The only problem is my judgement in impaired... and a friend of mine was in town and we had too many beers and decided to go looking for trouble. And we found it of course. Then this morning I couldn't stop thinking about it and of course I got some more. I don't even have the money to spend on this and I still find a way!! My gf is supporting me while I'm here and she knows what I'm going through and she's so supportive. But I couldn't tell her about this. It would break her heart

I'm heading back home soon and I just want this all to end. I'm committed to doing this and doing this RIGHT. For the last time. I'm giving up a lot to go home so I know I'm serious about it. This time (both times) while using I didn't enjoy it. I didn't want it. But I was just on auto pilot and I couldn't say no. I deleted this new persons number and just want to avoid it. I want to avoid it... but I feel there's a demon in me that doesn't want to.

I've found this website helpful and it gave me the mindset to change my view on everything and WANT to get clean... when before I just didn't want to get caught (you know what I mean)

I'm not looking for advice really.. I guess I know what I have to do. I just needed to tell someone. Get it off my chest. Apologize to everyone on here because I can't apologize to my girlfriend. You all know how the guilt is. So I just needed to let it out. Hopefully this helps, and hopefully I can be smart enough from now on to avoid situations where I know I can't say no.
 
you are stronger than you know whiplash. I would avoid drinking. When you have the urge just say you are going to do it tomorrow.
when tomorrow comes reassess the situation and decide if you want to drink...usually you can put it off till tomorrow again.
 
Thanks I appreciate the support. I never really have an urge to drink. But it's lead to bad decisions in the past so I realize it's not something I can safely do. Hard to say no. I'm in my 20s and it seems so socially acceptable, and abnormal to say no.

I'll just have to remembered 1/10 times it leads me to seeking drugs. Not worth the risk.
 
whiplashWRX I used to have the exact same thought process when it comes to alcohol. Since I never had any issues with alcohol abuse I would try to drink socially after I had some clean time. After a few drinks it would lead to incredibly strong cravings that I acted on more times than not. Now I know that when I am trying to stay clean, alcohol is a no go.
 
alcohol makes me crave real drugs like crazy. I always think "why am I drinking this crap I hate when I could be feeling good from x drug". Its good that you realize what you need to do in order to maintain your goal of sobriety. I think you should get involved in therapy or with some kind of support group like Smart or NA if for no other reason than to meet sober friends. I am also finding it important to get out and do fun stuff that I wouldn't do if I was using. Even if they cost a little bit of money I just tell myself that's its still much cheaper than my heroin addiction!

But yeah give us an update whiplashWRX.
 
I agree with crimsonjunk. Finding a recovery group would be good. I know whiplash you didn't want advice but that would be my best. Lots of good people in NA and a lot of asses to, just like anything else. You got support here bro. I believe in you that you can lead a drug, and alcohol free life. It's so much better man, so much easier. Everything in your life will change depending on how hard you work at being clean. Personally I was in AA for a long time with relapses but still go but I'm on pain management and get lrescribed opiates and sometimes I feel like their taking away from my serenity. I'm in so much pain my only thoughts are when my next dose is. I talked to my sponser about it and it's cool. That's what's great about AA NA. There's no judging and always a hand to shake or hug and you're with people who have been thru same shit as you. You're gonna be ok. I'm always here to listen whether here or PM. I'm a good listener. You hang in there and good luck
 
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