Disability throws all kinds of challenges in my life that can sometimes bum you out to the point where you wonder the value of that life you life. “Is it worth it?” I often ask myself. Now, I don’t mean that I want to off myself as a last demonstration of the ugliness that is disability. No, I ask the question in the context of whether it’s worth it to be so independent that my energy is spent on areas where it might be better directed.
I should explain that I live 100% on my own. I do my own laundry and other household chores. I do all my own bathing, cooking, cleaning, dressing, etc. Everything. The part that gets me thinking is all of that is done at a greater amount of time that it might take you to do. For example, tomorrow morning I am going to do my laundry. 2 loads will take me 4-5 hours to do. Lug the basket on my lap to the laundry room in my apartment, load the one washer I can use (its front loading – the others are top loading so good luck me reaching the bottom of it), get it out¸ put it in the dryer, etc. Then bring it all back and fold it, make the bed. For those who do it, you realize the chore that it is. I would guess that it takes me twice as long then it would take you to so it.
Is it worth it? I do get a certain amount of satisfaction from doing it. I have always had a certain amount of smugness to say “Screw you, you said I can’t? Well, guess what? I did it”.
But the cost is time. Time that could be spent on more productive things, more fun things, anything except the time spent doing life.
The other, more important cost is the mindset that it creates. An independent mindset creates a false impression that you don’t need anybody. This translates into a mindset where a wall is set up that insulates me from people coming into my life. In other words it insulates me from creating relationships. To have a successful relationship you have to be a little bit needy in that you want/need some other person to come in and help you with something. Having someone to talk to for example. I have created a life that doesn’t allow for that. It makes me very lonely.
So this independence comes at a cost. As I get older I can see myself ending up completely devoid of a partner and it scares me. I, by no means, am a recluse. I have built my self-esteem to a comfortable level especially when I’m in the gym. But I don’t know how to open myself up to the point where someone can see me in that way.
Being independent also creates a person that is self-centred which is also a detriment in creating relationships. When I have to constantly worry about my health, what food I’m eating, where I can find an accessible bathroom etc., it leaves little time to ask a girlfriend what she needs. As a result, I look like the one with the ego and self-important. I’m not. It’s a matter of survival.
DT
I should explain that I live 100% on my own. I do my own laundry and other household chores. I do all my own bathing, cooking, cleaning, dressing, etc. Everything. The part that gets me thinking is all of that is done at a greater amount of time that it might take you to do. For example, tomorrow morning I am going to do my laundry. 2 loads will take me 4-5 hours to do. Lug the basket on my lap to the laundry room in my apartment, load the one washer I can use (its front loading – the others are top loading so good luck me reaching the bottom of it), get it out¸ put it in the dryer, etc. Then bring it all back and fold it, make the bed. For those who do it, you realize the chore that it is. I would guess that it takes me twice as long then it would take you to so it.
Is it worth it? I do get a certain amount of satisfaction from doing it. I have always had a certain amount of smugness to say “Screw you, you said I can’t? Well, guess what? I did it”.
But the cost is time. Time that could be spent on more productive things, more fun things, anything except the time spent doing life.
The other, more important cost is the mindset that it creates. An independent mindset creates a false impression that you don’t need anybody. This translates into a mindset where a wall is set up that insulates me from people coming into my life. In other words it insulates me from creating relationships. To have a successful relationship you have to be a little bit needy in that you want/need some other person to come in and help you with something. Having someone to talk to for example. I have created a life that doesn’t allow for that. It makes me very lonely.
So this independence comes at a cost. As I get older I can see myself ending up completely devoid of a partner and it scares me. I, by no means, am a recluse. I have built my self-esteem to a comfortable level especially when I’m in the gym. But I don’t know how to open myself up to the point where someone can see me in that way.
Being independent also creates a person that is self-centred which is also a detriment in creating relationships. When I have to constantly worry about my health, what food I’m eating, where I can find an accessible bathroom etc., it leaves little time to ask a girlfriend what she needs. As a result, I look like the one with the ego and self-important. I’m not. It’s a matter of survival.
DT
