I'm a little worried about what's to come in the next few weeks, months or however long it may be. As of lately my circle went from longtime friends who don't use back to people I barely know and who get high as well. The majority of them are on heroin which worries me even more because I say that I'm only going to use occasionally but that's fucking funny.... There is no way I will only use here and there when all my "friends" will be using around me all the fucking time and then I'm going to want to continue as well. I'm very surprised I am not shooting dope yet and stopped shooting pills when most of everyone I use with is an IV user. Its hard to watch them stick the needle in their arms and then you're just there sniffing dope reminiscing about how good it feels to shoot up. "Oh man did it feel good. You were in heaven but oh no you can't do that shit again. You'll be an addict in no time if you start shooting." And that's all you think about for the time being because that's all your mind cares to think about lately.
The sad thing is I know I can leave anytime I want to. I can leave this shitty aspect of my life behind right now. I don't have to worry if I don't participate. I could go back to being sober and working on moving out of this area, you know. Yet, I choose to continue to use and keep myself trapped in this god forsaken place because getting high is more important. Finding that new connect or person who can get you that connect is more important and if the person cannot help you with either, then they don't mean shit to you. Things that once were important aren't anymore and its all about getting that money so you can get your drugs.
I mean I'm not a junkie at the moment but have junkie tendencies. The shit I say above is what dabbling usually turns into for me. Cause these anti-depressants never worked and those benzos can no longer put you at ease. So you find something else that can take all the pain and trouble away even if its only just temporarily. When I get high I forget that my life is at a dead end or that I'm living in fucking transitional housing. I forget about all the flashbacks I have of things I don't want to mention. I forget that everything I once had is now gone. And this is why deep down inside I know I should become clean again or I'm going to keep chasing after those temporary fixes for these long term problems.
The sad thing is I know I can leave anytime I want to. I can leave this shitty aspect of my life behind right now. I don't have to worry if I don't participate. I could go back to being sober and working on moving out of this area, you know. Yet, I choose to continue to use and keep myself trapped in this god forsaken place because getting high is more important. Finding that new connect or person who can get you that connect is more important and if the person cannot help you with either, then they don't mean shit to you. Things that once were important aren't anymore and its all about getting that money so you can get your drugs.
I mean I'm not a junkie at the moment but have junkie tendencies. The shit I say above is what dabbling usually turns into for me. Cause these anti-depressants never worked and those benzos can no longer put you at ease. So you find something else that can take all the pain and trouble away even if its only just temporarily. When I get high I forget that my life is at a dead end or that I'm living in fucking transitional housing. I forget about all the flashbacks I have of things I don't want to mention. I forget that everything I once had is now gone. And this is why deep down inside I know I should become clean again or I'm going to keep chasing after those temporary fixes for these long term problems.
