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The Cartel Ideal

Sphinx (Afterlife)

Ex-Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 29, 2005
Messages
767
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The Afterlife? Elysium? Heaven? Hell? A Void??? AS
I wrote this to the beat of "Still Dre" which has to be my all time favorite beat. I call it The Cartel Ideal, a song for the most hardcore drug dealers, the for lifers, the ones who do it because they can, not because they need to.


From the Hiero Cartel Family worldwide caught up in the mutherfuckin tigers eye, Medellin, Cali, Bogota, Rio, Lima, Juarez and the Gulf coast, from pillar to post, we was all diagnosed with compulsively acheiving the most, a parasitical definitive host to the devils ghost, I dont mean to boast but wheres the DEAs riposte? Bitch ass mutherfuckers are toast

Somethings are realer than real infact so real as to defy all ability to feel, blinded by rooms of kilos with poly-drug ops raided by navy seals, its a life long zeal to live n die by the drug deal, blatant ego will be your achilles' heel still stand tall built like steel and reaveal what you've concealed in an epidemic ordeal, holdin all em slippy ass addicts in yo creel then feast on their souls as a last meal before signing yo life to somethin horribly surreal, the cartel ideal

Forever manifested into a game of pride n power, hunt n scour, on the prowl looking for helpless mutherfuckers to devour, sitting high in yor ivory tower punching the clock on yo rolex to the hour, never gonna back down never learned how to cower, straight up in the makin superpower, rainin down on humanity like an apocalyptic meteor shower

Theres no way to explain the kind of pain you will ascertain in this ruthless game, only know that no enemy will refrain from placing a round through your brain, dont die in vain, come at em fuckers like a freight train, blowin up in their face like you was butane, then maybe in hell we go sip champagne alongside escobar and hussein while we explain the reign we retained

Mutherfuckers backed in their crack shack, tweakin full blown psychosis on impending payback, im talking homicide thats a blatant fact, packin strapped with multiple gats bullets laced with chemical shat ready to react in their nerve tract, picture that, killing on contact, just another transact of the criminal syndicate attack

Already pressing to a new frontier, rendering rival cartels immobile enforcin fear, its somethin all yall dumbshits better hear, a pioneer out to persevere as the ultimate financier, a volunteer to a career of mistaken revere, the taboo austere of a bombardier, this is a life you must adhere you bitch-made queers, bow the fuck down or disappear, Sphinx and the HCF is here.
 
EDIT: constructive criticism only.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
what was'nt constructive about that?
the best thing for old matey to do would be to stop rapping and his career would go way better... either that or change his lyrics a bit so that its not all lame gang banging shit, oh yeah and put away the rhyming thesaurus dude
 
shiam said:
what was'nt constructive about that?
the best thing for old matey to do would be to stop rapping and his career would go way better... either that or change his lyrics a bit so that its not all lame gang banging shit, oh yeah and put away the rhyming thesaurus dude


Please read the guidelines and respect this forum.

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=21893
 
Ay man,, dont listen to those fools, alot BL seems to have no love for rap especially in the hoity toity "poetry" forum "ohhhh that RAP MUSIC is soo uncultured, stupid monkeys" and that whole mentality.

Go register at the site Raptism.com, theres a forum there called Book of Rhymes where you can post shit and have it critiqued from people who actually know about writing rhymes. and 90% of the time unless you suck and youre a little trick, no one will flame or say undeserved criticism, peeps are civil.

Anyways,
My suggestions would be switch it up a little and work on your multi's. using the same word at the end of more than a couple lines dont work 90% of the time, unless you got a very skilled flow and good rhyme scheme, (see Big Pun - twins [Deep cover 98].) andd that shit can get old even then so dont overplay it.

If each 'verse" (your verses are very short but they still verses.) is just made up of one ending sound, the flow has nowhere to go.a flow should be exxactly that, a flow, not just a pattern of words, thats the reason why rhyming is so complex. you gotta let the words twist into new directions, throw shit in , not always have the same amount of syllables in each line, etc. a solid flow is good but a too solid flow is a bad thing, cuz your boxed into a certain pattern, you want it to be elastic and unpredictable or at least keep it switched up (that is where multi's come in.)

the thing is, if you use a sound too much, then listeners/readers start recognizing the sound at the end, and the rest of the words get lost. the focus goes from each word individually as part of the flow, to the end of each bar and you dont pay as much attention to the whole verse when that happens. the twists and turns in the flows direction are what keeps interest, which is what gets what youre saying across instead of it just leaving the listeners head the second its over. (not sayin thats what you did just sayin.)

A couple bars max should be even (same # of syllables and same ending rhyme), then you gotta take it somewhere else. ill leave it up to you to decide where that "else" is.

iunno if you just wrote that for fun or if you write on the regular but the cats at that site will give you some good tips too unlike these clowns, so i hope something i said helped, have fun wit it G.
 
Writing the rap out isn't hip hop. Why dont you record it n post the link to the track up. Or better yet do it to a cd. The lyrics seem dope. But hip hop's more than lyrics.

Reading text is lame, this is were hip-hop can do more than poetry in bringing the words to life. Your rhyme would be more appreciated if it where a song and better with an original or not so famous beat. Tho The spanish guitar in the beat seems suited to your rhyme .

but yeah, go put it in a song. Till the both my eyebrows remain lowered.
 
That would be why this is a "WORDS" forum.......

"put it on a different beat" aint doing shit for constructive criticism of his writing. just a thought.
 
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