Winding Vines
Bluelighter
For many of you, you have known about my uphill battle with myself over the last few years. That I became a dark shadow, and fought with negative patterns of thinking, heroine addiction, self multilation, low self-esteem, BDD: anorexia, and abusive relationships.
It was the darkest time of my life. I'd made so many mistakes, and hurt everyone around me but most of all myself. I dropped the people that cared about me most (most of you) out of my life because my inner monologue was constantly yelling. Perpetually screaming I wasn't good enough for anything, not even for the gift of life. I tried my damnedest to disappear, hoping to evaporate either by addiction or starvation. When that didn't work I continued to isolate myself in hopes that the loneliness would kill me. That I couldn't take waking up anymore to remember everything that went wrong, everything I did wrong and could never fix.
I woke up one day, and cried because I woke.
The loathed the light of day because it was a constant reminder of the darkness I held in my soul.
I began regular therapy after this.
I criticized every moment jadedly, I bitched about my diagnoses: ADHD-I, Anxiety, and trauma related Adjustment Disorder. I complained about my medications in every way possible, and complained about my therapist.
I researched all the time, and I changed therapists when I felt it necessary, I began to take personal responsibility for my health and safety. I felt it necessary to cut communication with most of my friends because it was too easy to ruminate or get triggered into thinking about past situations. I took everything more seriously because I knew I didn't want to feel like I felt anymore. I didn't like my constant mental chatter and judgement towards everything. I felt like fucking Eeyore or something. "Oh no, this won't work."
In time, I began to know what I needed, but with an open mind continued to consider and listen to the professionals I chose to surround myself with. Therapy (both psychotherapy and biochemical) is worth the degree in which you invest in it. Meaning, I discussed everything and anything all the time about my treatment and always asked for their opinion while sharing my own, no more passive interactions. One wrong move I could be sent back into the throws of where I did not want to go.
I remember in August of 2011, I legitimately laughed for the first time in two years. Not one of those "socially polite" chuckles. And so it began.
Since then I stayed in therapy, twice a week, and took my meds like I was supposed to. My best friend helped me so much, one day she said to me: "you are so much different when you take your meds, lol remember when you kept telling me how much to hated that shit. LOOK you held down a job AND you're back in school!"
I learned a valuable lesson; however, always be prepared for the worst. My insurance was cut, and mid semester my psychiatrist wouldn't refill my meds. Meltdown central, and I shutdown for two weeks: benzo and stimulant withdrawal is no laughing matter. Thankfully, it was sorted and I communicated my needs to my professors and was able to pass that term.
I put into place the tools I learned from treatment as best I was able, and didn't beat myself up (as much as I would usually). Giving permission to freak the fuck out or cry hysterically. I learned it's ok to feel like shit, what's most important is how I choose to react my feelings.
Honestly, I haven't thought about how I felt last September until now and that for me is amazing. I'd harbor bad feelings like a squirrel and nuts, man. Invariably digging at myself.
I moved, have a 4.0 GPA, talk to my friends now, do regular self-care, will have my own apartment soon, and set achievable goals. I'm not normal and am still going to therapy, but the weight has been lifted. After three (or more let's be honest here) years of that I'm becoming who I've always wanted. It took a lot of pain and suffering but I was dedicated to myself. I know I still have a long way ahead, so I've begun group therapy as a support.
I've had two solid months without a melt-down and feel like I've finally broken the cycle.
I just wanted to share this with everyone, maybe someone who's going through what I had/am might find some hope.
It was the darkest time of my life. I'd made so many mistakes, and hurt everyone around me but most of all myself. I dropped the people that cared about me most (most of you) out of my life because my inner monologue was constantly yelling. Perpetually screaming I wasn't good enough for anything, not even for the gift of life. I tried my damnedest to disappear, hoping to evaporate either by addiction or starvation. When that didn't work I continued to isolate myself in hopes that the loneliness would kill me. That I couldn't take waking up anymore to remember everything that went wrong, everything I did wrong and could never fix.
I woke up one day, and cried because I woke.
The loathed the light of day because it was a constant reminder of the darkness I held in my soul.
I began regular therapy after this.
I criticized every moment jadedly, I bitched about my diagnoses: ADHD-I, Anxiety, and trauma related Adjustment Disorder. I complained about my medications in every way possible, and complained about my therapist.
I researched all the time, and I changed therapists when I felt it necessary, I began to take personal responsibility for my health and safety. I felt it necessary to cut communication with most of my friends because it was too easy to ruminate or get triggered into thinking about past situations. I took everything more seriously because I knew I didn't want to feel like I felt anymore. I didn't like my constant mental chatter and judgement towards everything. I felt like fucking Eeyore or something. "Oh no, this won't work."
In time, I began to know what I needed, but with an open mind continued to consider and listen to the professionals I chose to surround myself with. Therapy (both psychotherapy and biochemical) is worth the degree in which you invest in it. Meaning, I discussed everything and anything all the time about my treatment and always asked for their opinion while sharing my own, no more passive interactions. One wrong move I could be sent back into the throws of where I did not want to go.
I remember in August of 2011, I legitimately laughed for the first time in two years. Not one of those "socially polite" chuckles. And so it began.
Since then I stayed in therapy, twice a week, and took my meds like I was supposed to. My best friend helped me so much, one day she said to me: "you are so much different when you take your meds, lol remember when you kept telling me how much to hated that shit. LOOK you held down a job AND you're back in school!"
I learned a valuable lesson; however, always be prepared for the worst. My insurance was cut, and mid semester my psychiatrist wouldn't refill my meds. Meltdown central, and I shutdown for two weeks: benzo and stimulant withdrawal is no laughing matter. Thankfully, it was sorted and I communicated my needs to my professors and was able to pass that term.
I put into place the tools I learned from treatment as best I was able, and didn't beat myself up (as much as I would usually). Giving permission to freak the fuck out or cry hysterically. I learned it's ok to feel like shit, what's most important is how I choose to react my feelings.
Honestly, I haven't thought about how I felt last September until now and that for me is amazing. I'd harbor bad feelings like a squirrel and nuts, man. Invariably digging at myself.
I moved, have a 4.0 GPA, talk to my friends now, do regular self-care, will have my own apartment soon, and set achievable goals. I'm not normal and am still going to therapy, but the weight has been lifted. After three (or more let's be honest here) years of that I'm becoming who I've always wanted. It took a lot of pain and suffering but I was dedicated to myself. I know I still have a long way ahead, so I've begun group therapy as a support.
I've had two solid months without a melt-down and feel like I've finally broken the cycle.
I just wanted to share this with everyone, maybe someone who's going through what I had/am might find some hope.
