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The Bitter End

E-girl

E-girl

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 23, 1999
Messages
4,525
Location
PA, USA
When you layed in bed next to me last night,
I wonder if you felt me tremble -- with rage, with sadness
Wonder if you saw the tears burning in my tired eyes
Wonder if my voice, raspy from crying and yelling,
sounded unlike me.
I wonder if you noticed when my hand found yours under the blanket,
But i think you were enjoying your only few moments of sleep just then,
And i didn't want to wake you,
Because your night wasn't much better than mine.
I kept trying, futilely, to put together even one sentence
That i could utter that wouldn't be full of desperation and pity,
And as i tried unsuccessfully to comfort you,
Inside i was unravelling,
Choking back my own sighs,
Wishing to God you didn't have to see me like this.
You watched me go through hell these past few weeks,
And you kept saying things would get better,
And every time you said it,
your voice lost a little bit of the sureness it once held.
I know you'd like to take all these worries off me
And hide them somewhere inside yourself,
But that's not how this life works,
And we've come to the spot where we have to say,
"This is the thick and thin of it all"
And even though i can barely hold myself up these days,
I know you will stand by me,
So i hope that if i hurt you -- you know i don't mean it
I'm just taking it out on everyone else,
And i don't mean anything bad that i say
But i'm at my bitter end,
No more hanging onto threads of hope --
They were not enough to pull me through this time.
I'm giving up.
The world that i once could find so much good in,
Is just a black endless void to me now
And i look at it all through glazed eyes,
Which don't sparkle anymore
And i walk through my days with the heaviest heart,
And nothing is going to fix it this time.
I've had everything i love and cherished,
crushed before my eyes,
Over and over,
Like when someone beats someone up,
And the person is lying on the concrete lifeless,
And the attacker just keeps kicking him and kicking him,
Kicking his motionless defenseless body.
That's me.
Just keep getting kicked,
Even though i'm already down, already surrendered,
already given myself up
And you can't fix this... not with a hug, or a letter,
Not with a one-way ticket to Florida...
This isn't about you anymore,
It's about my fight against a world that seems to hate me,
Even though all i've ever done is try to make it better.
I hate who i've become.
No one should have to live a life like this...
Always afraid to turn a corner, wondering what new thing will blow up in my face,
Or what will happen to me tomorrow
That will just make me go even more crazy
And i am crazy...
It's a horrible thing the day you watch yourself crumble like this,
Sitting in front of the oval mirror,
Digging my once-beautiful fingernails deep into my scalp
And just trying to tear out my soul
Watching this mirror image and not being able to stop myself from breaking down,
And taking all my pretty things and just smashing them,
Cutting my fingers picking up the pieces before you get home,
So you won't see what i've done,
And just throwing myself onto my cats,
Who can't even look at me anymore without being terrified,
They think i'm pretty fucking crazy too
And everyone i try to confide in just shakes their head,
And they are sorry,
So fucking sorry,
But what good is sorry?
I was sorry...
And sorry couldn't save for me all i had earned
Now i sit here,
totally desperate, and depravated
Waiting, just waiting
Nowhere to go, nothing to do
But lay here and wait for the next apocolypse to rain down on me,
It's just inevitable
And i can't even scream anymore
I just lay here, staring blankly
And i hate that you are dragged into this,
Because i know you want to help
But really, i just want to be left alone
I just want to crawl into this hole and be left
And you can go about your life, making it better for yourself than i ever could,
Hell - maybe you'll find yourself down south in a few months,
I'm obviously sentenced to grow old and die here,
This place that i loathe
And i have nothing left to give you
I'm just empty
I tried to love you, and i tried to be everything to you,
But you just stare back and me, helpless
How could you love a crazy girl, who has nothing left,
And doesnt give a shit about life anymore
You need to be the strong one here,
The one who gets up and walks away from this,
Because i cant
But you need to get away from me,
So i don't drag you down any deeper into this mess of my life
You're too good a person to have to see this
And i won't have it.
I'm done trying to see the good in people.
Everyone is a stranger to me now,
And strangers are not a good thing to me anymore
Strangers are people who hurt you for their own enjoyment,
And take your job that you love just because they can,
And strangers make your life fucking misery,
And strangers make you look over your shoulder everywhere you go
And strangers come into your house and take all your precious things,
And don't care, and don't care...
This is nothing left of this girl you once knew
I'm just another fucking head-case that hates the world
And is so so tired of being toyed with.
I'm done fighting back
I've lost everything that is important to me except for you,
But i dont even want to wait around to see myself lose that too,
That is why you should just go.
I won't hold it against you.
I just can't have you see me like this.
This is the bitter end.
This is where i stop looking at tomorrow as the day things get better,
just because they couldn't get any worse,
And this is the day where i have no more emotion,
And no more to give to the world.
So thanks...
For being that person i held onto at my bleakest moments.
You're always in my heart.
[ 21 December 2002: Message edited by: E-girl ]
[ 21 December 2002: Message edited by: E-girl ]
 
Congratulations.
This is the bottom. This is the pit that you dreaded all those times that you fought back tears and kept holding out for hope and looking for a way to make yourself and your life better. This is the darkness that you were so afraid of being consumed by. This is the hurt that was too much for you to bear, the pain that you were sure would destroy you.
Now when you're ready to pick your sad ass up, you'll notice as you turn around that the way out only leads in one direction, and it's the way you're going to have to travel, whether you really feel like it or not. That direction is up.
[ 22 December 2002: Message edited by: Dagny ]
 
I have to disagree
Whenever you think you've bottomed out, you'll always find a way to sink a little deeper, or in some cases, a lot deeper.
I discovered that today, and i discover that almost every day...but today was harder than most days.
Today, I had all the things that i don't have, all the things that i can't have, and all the things that i am not, rubbed in my face. I watched someone very close to me, have handed to them, what I cannot have no matter how hard I work, or how much i try. It's one thing to have given up...but to have your wounds ripped open again is a whole different ballgame.
All I can say, is that there is no such thing as bottoming out, because if you wait until you feel the impact of hitting that bottom, it's too late.
You're dead when you hit that bottom, and unless death appears to be an attractive option to you, then you need to start picking yourself up long before that moment of impact.
On the other hand, when you reach that point, when the pain you live with every single day, overpowers the natural human instinct of survival...when you can feel yourself changing by the minute, when your sanity feels like it's crumbling beneath the weight of your heart...well, i guess i'm just going to end this here, because i don't want to advocate taking a cowards way out...
but i, myself, can look in the mirror, and see that yellow stripe down my back, growing a little longer every day.
You know how to get a hold of me, drop me a line if you need an ear to listen...
[ 22 December 2002: Message edited by: soulfly ]
 
if you want to talk, you know how to get a hold of me, but my cell is shut off at the moment.
 
reading that I can see so much of myself in your writing... I wish there was something to say, something encouraging, uplifting... but I don't know where to look for that. Is all I can say is hang in there... a drop of hope is better than none at all
 
stop living by the rules and start living..
i lost my job, got a court case coming but man i cant be happier....its the new year time for a change girl....get your life straigthen out and have some focus....
as long as i got a shirt on my back im happy...
fuck the people that bring you down you got yourself and thats all you need.
 
you will get through this...
i remember you telling me "Things can only get better!" Those exact words came off of your fingers and onto my screen. Please sweetie, just hold on...
In the end, you will be ok.
 
from one pennsylvania girl to another, please believe this...
for you to have the kind of mind that allows her inspiration to flow from her heart, past her brain, into words - that in itself is an accomplishment. you're from a part of the world that can be one of the most depressing places at times if you don't apply yourself and LOVE yourself and learn to entertain yourself. sweetie, i know it seems like the world is crumbling down, but keep writing. don't stop. and don't change. because there are a hell of a lot of us on this board who starve to get a glimpse of your life as told by your words.
again, i know how lonely the world can be at times. taz said it too, "you're not the only one who feels this way" - and you're not. you wrote something beautiful to me about a year ago and i've held onto it. you had a picture of me where you thought that i was strong and could handle anything, but that is so wrong. i fall apart just like everyone else does. i sometimes want to end it, just because i'm starving for attention. but life is too grand. and i step back and look what i just did to myself and realize that even though i think i can't go on, i most certain CAN.
and so can you.
and you are a magnificent spirit who is beautiful and talented and makes people sit up and take notice. your words make me feel like i'm a kid at a magic show!!! i'll never forget when you wrote "defining myself". damn, girlie, THAT was undeniably the spunkiest, spiciest, and most honest pieces of poetry i've ever read.
stay focused. and again, keep writing. maybe it's time to get out of PA, there's a whole world out there just waiting for you to inject some flavor into it.
merry christmas, sweetheart. be good to yourself, even if no one else is. and even if you think you don't deserve to be happy, i'm here to tell you that you deserve to be ECTASTIC and that you are, indeed, allowed to fall apart from time to time.
email me anytime.
xoxoxox.barbie
 
e-girl...
These people have already giving you alot advice..
so I'm just going to try and tell you what I can by how I know you.
Lately, alot of things in your life have been happening maybe not the way you would like them to go. But, I believe that everyone hits their lowest moments in there life before things get better...I have know you for years..and I remember all the times that life had taking a big shit on you. And I remember I would tell you that, even though you fell like you will never recover and that you may never be happy again to look at the bright side..in time it heals all wounds. Everything easier said than down.
God has plans for us. We don't know what those things our. And why that they have to feel so bad. Or hurt as much as they do. But they are all suppose to be learning experiences. And you never know what that lesson that it will be.
You have been one of the strongest-weakest people I have ever met. I don't mean that in any wrong way. You take things sometimes hard. And sometimes you can blow things off like there is no tomorrow. But that is your personality. And when you wake up each morning alittle less tears will be shed. I remember how I would look up to you..you were the brightest shinning star. But sometimes you need to allow all that glowing time to recharge. Don't worry I know you will shine again...
And also the boyfriend thing...he's a guy. I'm sure you are on his mind every breaking moment, But men are born without an emotion that we have..we like to be told things, we like to tell things, men the think we should read their minds...they don't know that we could be awaiting every sweet word that we need to hear..and if we need to hear them and their not replying with our needs we start to wonder??? What am I doing so wrong? Is this relationship failing? And that is when silly tears come, that is when everything is misunderstood..but that is something you need to sit down and talk to him about..tell him what you need from this relationship...he needs to give alittle..to make things work. If he cares he will share..tell him that certain things depend on how you feel..maybe you can't be in a relationship like this..I remember one time you told me that you didn't know if he is the one...
Well, I know that I have told you this time and time again..how I don't like relationships with labels. And sometimes you feel things and you can not explain them and you take or mistake them as love...we can have strong emotions for a person, and you don't know what they are..but sit down and right all the pros and the cons are..is this really the type of person you want to be with?
I don't fully understand everything that has happened to you..I have heard things. And I know we haven't be the greatest of friends lately,but I think about you all the time..I went to New York the other day, and I was on my way to a party I changed my mind it would of been the first party without you. And it was horrible..I dreaded calling you and asking you to go, even though I wanted to.
But someday..things will be better between us. This is a lesson in life that we have to learn, maybe it is that we need to know how to have patience and to each friend we have better. Cause there was this promise I once mad to myself and it was where me and my best friend would live by the shore, and the porch held to rocking chairs with the cats of our life time..we help raise children never letting each other be alone..well I still hold that dear..and someday maybe it will come true.
Take care of yourself, remember you are the most important person in this situation. And being healthy makes things easier. You have a wonderful family who loves you..and I'm sure Danny does to..for now just keep your mind really occupied..get out walk around..go to the gym...be around the people that care they will always listen to you, know matter how many times you tell them the same story over and over again. Take will take care of your wounds and it will give you the words of wisdom to help someone else in these heartaches..
Good luck, I hope you feel better..sorry for how long this is..happy holidays, your our in my heart.
Luv your frosty.
 
to everyone in this thread... big strong hug.
it felt good to get this out. sometimes it just all seems too much. but i know there is a reason i keep coming back here, to this forum, night after night, year after year.
MiNi, girl... you're still my rock, no matter what you say. the icon of strength in my chaotic world. you continue to give me hope that things will get better.
dags... you understand me, as always. that means the world to me.
soulfly? jay? in my thread?? the very thought of it alone filled me with so much emotion i could burst. you're right, about everything you said. i think about you, and i worry about you out there, wherever you are, hoping everyday you're ok! and there you are, telling ME to be strong. how ironic.
Frosty... i think of Christmas, one or 2 years ago? i'm not sure which -- where the living room was filled with presents, and four happy young people, wearing santa hats, sat happily on the cold tiled floor, content as could be, opening presents that had been shopped for since october, all carefully wrapped and tied and placed strategically under what justin refers to as our "charlie brown tree." there are very few moments in my life that compare that day, in that living room, with those other 3 people, with the feelings i had in me, even though i was oblivious to everything else that was going wrong in my life at the time. i look back on that day when i need a little bit of strength - a little ray of sunshine. you're right... we haven't been the best of friends lately. in fact, i hate what we've become -- these two people who once shared a pillow when times were at their toughest, but who now only share a few tearful thoughts and rememberances on some message board... i know you think i left you when things got bad, and i know you think it was all about issues i had with you, but partly, it was issues i had with myself too. it's stupid for us to point fingers at each other, we both just needed to figure things out. and i dont know if you have yet, but dammit, i've just confused myself more, lol. remember how i told you things had finally started to go right for me? well i should have knocked on wood. my life has been shit lately. i hope yours has been better. i couldn't help you when things were at their worst for you, and i dont think you can help me, but i cant tell you how much it meant to me to read your reply... i think you know. and danny? don't worry, no matter what i write, its just my screwed up head... he treats me better than any guy i've ever known. i'm not going to let myself realize too late that i passed up something really great. if i told you once that i didnt know if he was the one, well, i still dont know, but i DO know that i've fallen in love with him... and i hope maybe he WILL turn out to be the one. its one of the only good feelings i have lately.
well, anyway... enough rambling... thanks again everyone for your touching replies. have a merry christmas!
[ 25 December 2002: Message edited by: E-girl ]
 
that was some awesome words of expression. i think you know that i am here for you. and i will do anything and everything i can to help you out. i think you need to go out , have fun and forget it all, and that is just what we are going to do this saturday!
 
E-girl - I don't usually write a reply to many of the works I read on here, mostly cos I can't find the words to express what I feel about it, but I just wanted to say I think you have an amazing talent for writing.
I hope that when you are having a one of those days when you feel life is knocking you down, you remember how much enjoyment your work can bring to us and draw strength from that to pick yourself up.
:)
 
I can fully understand the feeling of wanting to crawl in a hole and be alone. Everyone goes through rough times like these. You either face it alone or you can let someone be there for you. Even though it hurts to let someone see you at your worst, it hurts more ultimately to be alone. Things will get better. Even if you can't see it now...I guarantee, they will. I've been to the bottom and swimming back up was tough but worth every minute. Sometimes being miserable only serves to make you appreciate the good times even more :) I know you have the strength in you to pick yourself up and choose happiness. No matter what life throws at you, you can choose to rise above it. Don't let it dampen your spirit. You've got a lot of livin' to do. Try to think of it as a gift and not a curse. As others above have said, keep writing...it soothes the pain, plus you're so good at it.
I wish you peace for the New Year :)
 
this is whnimhayyr....< never type while tearin...
anyways, this is when im happy to be the hardheaded boy i am and just sit down forever if i have to next to you and wait for you to smile when you think of somethin funny...i really cant say anything...so im just gonna smile and nod..and do what Pac said:"Keep ya head up and try to keep the faith, and pray for better days."
like i said, you are a heartbeat, every rythmic syllable....and i say that just cuz i beleive..
 
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