OH. MY.. FUCKING. GOD.
(And please excuse the double post)
My preconceived notions of this substance have been dashed to bits. I thought it was going to be difficult to achieve something hole-like, but this was surely not the case.
So I had a bit over 200mg that a friend gave to me because he didn't like it. Thankfully, this did turn out to be the salt, because it dissolved just fine with some heat and stirring. The smell that was produced, however, was so noxious that any sensible person (which I generally consider myself) would have thought twice, or perhaps ten times before drawing it up into a syringe and plunging it into any part of one's body. The color was also an off-putting tan color, analogous to sand mixed with water. Nonetheless, I said, what the hell, as I had heard the smell was strong, and that PCP itself was a strong-smelling substance, and into my right vastus lateralis it went.
I laid down massaging my muscle thinking nothing was happening for the first five minutes, then somewhere thereabouts I began to notice some sort of psychoactivity in my thought patterning, and a sort of soft blanket effect over my vision. By the ten minute mark, I was thoroughly convinced to lie back and close my eyes. At first, perhaps for the first twenty to thirty minutes (when I still had a conception of time), I thought it was comparable to methoxetamine in that it was visual but didn't take you in. However, it felt smoother and more lucid and euphoric than MXE to me (which feels cold and clinical for me). It wasn't very tactile either, but there was a sense of physical/spatial disorientation, a slightly sickening carnival feeling rather than my usual floating. I was disappointed entirely in the mental aspect, because it was just TOO lucid, my thoughts were not deepening either, and I was casually remarking in my head what I was experiencing, drawing comparisons and the like.
Then I suppose the chemical laughed at me, tauntingly, asking me if I thought that was all it was capable of. Man, did it show me. WHAM! I began to feel like I was going crazy, maniacal, (I remember Eminem's Kill You playing in my head, and me starting to think of all the bloody PCP horror stories, but somehow in a very comical fashion) beginning to feel kinetic. I continued lying down, however. Then I just couldn't keep up with the thoughts that were going in my head, and I began to make less and less sense, and worry that my cognitive abilities were flying right out of the window, and lamenting for the papers I have to write imminently. It was very jarring, even visually, and I wondered if that is what it was like to feel crazy. I couldn't gather if my eyes had been open or closed, or somewhere in between, but they started to hurt. I closed them and rationalized that I should place my hand over my eyes. I saw the outline of my hand through closed eyes, then I saw THROUGH my hand to the ceiling, then the ceiling dropped and morphed into my hand, I became one with whatever pattern/structure that was the ceiling (no longer having a hand or anything else), and I stopped trying to think (it wasn't working out very well for me anyhow) and just let myself become absorbed. WHAM again!
Who? What? When? Where? How? Why?
That might have been the strangest transition into ego dissolution. I don't remember much of what happened in any sort of time frame after this, and it would make no sense to begin to try to explain the rest of the experience, because there is no real way for anyone to try to encapsulate all of the domains and dimensions of a dissociative experience.
At any rate, the chemical really transformed for me after that. At some point, I guess you could say I had a bad trip, and was wondering if I should go to the hospital. I was experiencing pain everywhere through my body, from something central to me (like veins, I surmised) to my toes, but yet my head was enjoying the experience. I was thinking of how strange it would be to be having physiological responses while the brain is still constructing this other reality. Then the pain became more localized, sharp, and acute, and I thought it was in my stomach. I got up to go to the bathroom twice (thinking it was some sort of gastrointestinal distress) and what an experience that was. Literally traversing from one world to another. Sitting on the toilet swimming through universes in my head. I worried that I would not be able to tell if anything was occurring on the toilet (TMI?) with so little of a conception of my body. I remember it took me a good minute to locate the lightswitch, because of an inability to distinguish myself from the wall. I remember washing my hands and thinking, strangely lucidly, I have no concept of time, I am so removed from this reality. I could not function if I tried. The most logical thing is to lie down. At this point, I was still thinking, I am in pain? I didn't know this could be possible on a dissociative. What is the source of pain? Is the pain as acute as what I am thinking? And if so, shouldn't I be distressed? But yet, I just let myself be consumed.
The pain moved. It was not my stomach. It was my uterus. It felt like cramps but several times more acute. I am taking a developmental psychology class and my mind went to town when I realized this was where the pain was coming from. I was birthing universes. I even had a grandiose thought that I was the new Madonna. I would have an immaculate conception right where I lay, and in my head, it made sense. I traveled along an umbilical cord in my mind, then wondered what happened to one's ego as she carried a child. Did they develop another ego, two egos that suddenly crashed together? My visuals responded to this, with a green amorphousness colliding with itself and expanding (green and red are my dissociative colors, with lots of grays as well). I am very annoyed with this description, because it does not encapsulate the intensity of the psychosomatic pain my body was producing of birthing, and just what was happening in my head (although I imagine this was still incomparable to actual birthing, as I probably could not have just lay there bearing the pain without making a sound). It was easily among the most intense experiences I have had, because generally there is no physical element present that is so unmistakable, and surely never one of pain. And as I "realized" what was occurring, the pain moved from my "womb region" and just dissipated into nothingness.
I am not sure if this next part came before or after the birthing, but I remember drawing toward light in a zone of duality of light and dark, and becoming this ball of light, blasting through the darknesss (sort of like a the kamehameha blast in Dragon Ball Z), then having something vaguely bodily, and being pulled downward into the darkness, but not for long before I started moving in a circle with the darkness with an arm like a sickle (something reminiscent to yin and yang). Creating and destroying. It reminded me of a Hindu god. Is it Shiva who is the creator and destroyer? (Or I guess this is Shiva and Brahma?) Then I continued to move in this circle as it shrank and formed other circles, cell-like, rolling through some sort of path that was inside of some sort of structure that felt earthly and bodily. It was a borderline mystical experience for me. And I noted that whenever there is this light, although I am laying in complete darkness, it makes me think that a fluorescent light is shining on my eyes, and I can feel the warmth of it. It's not a blinding or burning light that I guess one would expect.
I am not sure if this part precedes or succeeds the above, but I remember being in a room of puzzle pieces, dark grey and red, and thinking, this is where they construct their gods.
There is much more that went along with this experience, obviously, but those are perhaps the easiest to make an endeavor to attempt to try to explain, and also the most pivotal.
My final thoughts are that I am disappointed that I have no more of the stuff, and am not sure if I try it again, if I should IM 200mg or less... I am not sure if I should be perturbed that I experienced physical pain, and that I was worrying about my life, but yet, I woke up about five hours later, and feel just fine, cleaner even, than I would feel after IMing ket at this time. There is little visual, perceptual, or cognitive disturbance, although reports have always said that effects led well into the next day. I got more than I bargained for, but it was a truly unique and amazing experience. It must be said that it didn't last any longer than a k-hole for me. The range of intensity occurred within an hour span. Then I sharply dropped off and went to sleep shortly thereafter and pretty easily. As for comparisons, I can't say it feels like anything else. It was more spiritual for me than ket, but nowhere near as immersive as DXM or ket, was not as introspective as DXM, but perhaps more than ketamine, (please note that I find DXM more profound, tactile, visual, rational, immersive, and thus a more capable entheogen than ketamine...heresy, many of you will tell me) more lucid than any of them, but yet more removed from reality, less tactile than DXM and ket (I did little floating and shifting, even if there were instances where my limbs went "through" things and I was looking at things from an isometric angle...it was more that I saw these things happening with little tactile response), yet more aware of my body--hence the capacity for creating and feeling pain. Just very paradoxical, and very interesting.
And you know what? I feel really good today. Last night I birthed a universe and witnessed the place where people fashion their gods! What did you do last night? Just kidding. But seriously, there is a definite afterglow, and very little physical and cognitive effects that I can discern at the time of writing, now 7 hours after I came out of the most intense portion of my experience.
Bravo!