continuousbeing2
Bluelighter
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- Nov 22, 2005
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The Battle to end all Battles (The Great Ice Hammer Debate)
(Here is something that I wrote a few years ago that I found on the comp, thought I would share. I recognize that it is not brilliant or anything, but I hope someone can at least get a chuckle out of it.)
The place is here, the time is now. We are going to settle, once and for all, the ultimate question of our generation: Who is better, Hammer or Vanilla Ice? The answer may very well have implications that ripple across the pop culture pond for millions of years to come! Now, I have come up with 8 categories that I feel encompass the essence of each man and their contributions to the world. Granted, I don’t always know what the hell I’m talking about, it usually sounds like I do. So yeah, without further ado, let’s begin!
MUSIC: This is gonna come first because, well, both of these young men claimed to be in the business of making music. But, as we all know, they both crapped out some heaping piles of shit that they passed as records. I know this, you know this, even they know this. And you know what, it doesn’t matter. These men were so superior that it didn’t even matter that their music sucked ass. They transcended that to become icons of 90’s pop culture! On that note, I’m gonna say that Hammer is the clear winner here. Sure, their early stuff might be of similar quality, but Vanilla just lost it once he went heavy metal
Winner-hammer
FAD-This is where we get into the meat of the battle for supremacy between these two classy gents. On the one hand, Hammer, gave us Hammer Pants. Read those two words again. Yeah, you remember them. You had a bunch of them when you were in 4th grade too. Who didn’t? Hell, they were great. I loved Hammer pants. I had a pair with geckos running all over them. What other pants could boast the accomplishment of letting you have lizards all over your pants, and still be classy and cool? None. However, Mr. Ice’s contribution, while not as flashy as Hammer’s, is still an important milestone. Vanilla Ice made it mainstream for White people to act Black. Think about that and then think about today’s epidemic of 17 year old suburbanite kids wearing Fubu and throwing up gang signs, reprazent reprazent! Now, as much as I love hammer pants, and wish I could get an original pair of them to sport in these wacky times of uncertainty, I have to say that Mr. Ice has made a bigger impact on the world today.
Winner-Ice
POST LIMELIGHT MOVES-What makes a man? Is it how he conducts himself during the good times? Or is it the manner in which he carries himself after the limelight has passed on? The true test is when you lose it all, when the hoes are gone, the drugs dried up, the groupies lying dead in the back of your ’74 mustang with her skull bashed in because you thought she was trying to play you. My man Hammer when through a couple of phases, as shown by the brilliant TV movie “Too Legit: the MC Hammer Story”. This is what TV movies should be. Hammer passed through three main stages after the fall from grace: Gangsta, Broke, and Preacherman. As a man of the world, I can see where he was coming from in all three stages. I personally think “Pumps n a Bump” is a top notch song conveying the beautifulness of the females of the planet to an audience of gangsta rap music that so desperately needed some direction. So for that, I salute you Hammer. Kudos. Now, Vanilla’s career hasn’t been as distinguished as his colleague’s, and that’s understandable. Not everyone was on Suge Knight’s good side. Mr. Ice chose to explore his whiteness and foolishly abandon all that he had worked hard for over the years. And he chose to explore his whiteness in the most god awful way possible, by making pseudo-metal music. I know first hand how crappy it is, for I had the pleasure of seeing a Vanilla Ice show at the local fraternity house near campus when I was a freshman. Adam and I figured that it would be great to say we went and saw vanilla ice. Boy were we wrong. What a complete embarrassment. At least we got to hear his rock rendition of “Ice Ice Baby”, which was worse than the original, to say the least. But, I do give the Iceman his due for smoking a fine bowl with us afterwards when we snuck past the tight security into the “backstage” area, and for signing the lighter that Adam stole from him. And that experience alone makes him the winner here.
Winner-Ice
TV/MOVIE APPEARANCES AND WORK-This is an important category right here. Maybe even the most important. These are the moves that define one’s legacy. The intelligent guest spot will boost your fame to stratospheric heights, while a poorly chosen one will make your career get shit on faster than a 15 year old at R. Kelly’s house. Let’s start with the small stuff. Hammer is now a TV preacher. Big whoop. He was also on some regional mortgage commercials. Yay. Ice did “Cool as Ice”, the movie equivalent of a roomful of blind monkeys crapping into a large canvas bag and calling it potpourri. So we can basically discount all that crap and focus on the heavy hitters. First, they were both on VH1’s crapfest of washed up celebrities known as ‘The Surreal Life”. Hammer was a huge disappointment on that show, he didn’t provide me with what I wanted, ridiculous behavior and drunkenness. For shame Hammer, for shame. But the Iceman did provide me with quality entertainment. He yelled, tried to act like he was still a celebrity, good times. This brings us to the pinnacle of both of these gents filmic careers. Hammer had a cartoon called “Hammerman”, which I’m sure we all remember. Hell, just read the description from imdb: “Stanley worked at the local recreational center in the city of Oaktown. Whenever trouble threatens his homeboys, Stanley puts on his magical dancing shoes and is transformed into his super-heroic alter-ego, Hammerman!” Now, if that’s not entertainment, I don’t know what is! You would think that would sew up the victory for good old Hammer. But no, not by a long shot. Don’t forget about a little thing called “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze”. In the most pivotal scene of the movie, the turtles are pursuing the elusive foot and are confronted by the recently mutated Bebop and Rocksteady in the vicinity of an off and popping discotheque. The turtles bust in, and what do they see? Why, none other than the Iceman himself, who, true to his title, remains cool as ice in the face of such strange happenings. What does he do when faced with such peril, such uncertainty? He busts out one of the greatest movie freestyles of all time, that’s what! The lights shining, the audience quiet, and Ice belts out “Yo! It’s the green machine, Gonna rock the town without being seen!” Not only did he break the tension, but he gave the heroes in a half shell the opportunity to do some of that delightful break dancing they’ve been waiting all those years to bust in public. The shackles of secrecy were busted, the turtles had gone Hollywood. All thanks to Mr. Ice. Bravo sir, bravo.
Winner-Ice
DEFINING SONG-Of course, in the end, for the most part both of these fools will be remembered for one song, and one song only. Nobody cares about any other songs besides “Can’t Touch This” and “Ice, ice Baby” and you know it. Yeah, the movie and TV appearances are highlariously ridiculous for the most part, but that’s not the bread and butter of their popularity. Seeing as I’ve been rambling for many pages already, let’s keep this short. “Can’t Touch This” is a classic move your feet, early 90’s rap song. You can just picture Hammer doing the Hammer Dance whenever you hear this song. Theses songs are defined by two things: 1) memorable chorus and 2) instantly singable lines, ones that you remember even though you’re 35 and have clogged your brain with so many beers and bong rips. Lets assess based on this criteria. I think a small chart will fit nicely here, don’t you?
Hammer
1) The cant touch this chorus is simple and gets stuck in your head, every time. I dare you to listen to the song and not sing along with it!
Vanilla
Who doesn’t know “Ice ice baby (do do do do do do do do)” or the variation “Ice ice baby, too cold”
Hammer
2) Id say the most memorable line is “I toured around the world from London to the BAY
It's Hammer go Hammer
mc hammer yo hammer and the rest can go and play”
Vanilla
This is what thrusts Ice ahead in this category. Honestly now, what person from the 20-28 age group can’t bust out “Alright stop, collaborate and listen, Ice is back with a brand new invention.” That shit is almost universal.
Winner-Vanilla
INTANGIBLES- Good god, when is this gonna end! I know, I know. I’ll wrap it up. One last short thing is necessary to determine this contest once and for all. The intangibles. The indefinable thing that makes good into great. And whose got it, you might ask? Well, ask yourself this, if you saw these two men walking down the street, who would cause you to laugh harder, or to crack better jokes? That’s right, Mr. Robert Van Winkle Himself!
Winner-Vanilla Van Winkle
So, in a blowout, Vanilla Ice takes this one in a landslide decision of 5-1. That’s what I call a decisive victory. I hope you enjoyed my insights, and if not, kiss my white ass. Until we meet again!
(Here is something that I wrote a few years ago that I found on the comp, thought I would share. I recognize that it is not brilliant or anything, but I hope someone can at least get a chuckle out of it.)
The place is here, the time is now. We are going to settle, once and for all, the ultimate question of our generation: Who is better, Hammer or Vanilla Ice? The answer may very well have implications that ripple across the pop culture pond for millions of years to come! Now, I have come up with 8 categories that I feel encompass the essence of each man and their contributions to the world. Granted, I don’t always know what the hell I’m talking about, it usually sounds like I do. So yeah, without further ado, let’s begin!
MUSIC: This is gonna come first because, well, both of these young men claimed to be in the business of making music. But, as we all know, they both crapped out some heaping piles of shit that they passed as records. I know this, you know this, even they know this. And you know what, it doesn’t matter. These men were so superior that it didn’t even matter that their music sucked ass. They transcended that to become icons of 90’s pop culture! On that note, I’m gonna say that Hammer is the clear winner here. Sure, their early stuff might be of similar quality, but Vanilla just lost it once he went heavy metal
Winner-hammer
FAD-This is where we get into the meat of the battle for supremacy between these two classy gents. On the one hand, Hammer, gave us Hammer Pants. Read those two words again. Yeah, you remember them. You had a bunch of them when you were in 4th grade too. Who didn’t? Hell, they were great. I loved Hammer pants. I had a pair with geckos running all over them. What other pants could boast the accomplishment of letting you have lizards all over your pants, and still be classy and cool? None. However, Mr. Ice’s contribution, while not as flashy as Hammer’s, is still an important milestone. Vanilla Ice made it mainstream for White people to act Black. Think about that and then think about today’s epidemic of 17 year old suburbanite kids wearing Fubu and throwing up gang signs, reprazent reprazent! Now, as much as I love hammer pants, and wish I could get an original pair of them to sport in these wacky times of uncertainty, I have to say that Mr. Ice has made a bigger impact on the world today.
Winner-Ice
POST LIMELIGHT MOVES-What makes a man? Is it how he conducts himself during the good times? Or is it the manner in which he carries himself after the limelight has passed on? The true test is when you lose it all, when the hoes are gone, the drugs dried up, the groupies lying dead in the back of your ’74 mustang with her skull bashed in because you thought she was trying to play you. My man Hammer when through a couple of phases, as shown by the brilliant TV movie “Too Legit: the MC Hammer Story”. This is what TV movies should be. Hammer passed through three main stages after the fall from grace: Gangsta, Broke, and Preacherman. As a man of the world, I can see where he was coming from in all three stages. I personally think “Pumps n a Bump” is a top notch song conveying the beautifulness of the females of the planet to an audience of gangsta rap music that so desperately needed some direction. So for that, I salute you Hammer. Kudos. Now, Vanilla’s career hasn’t been as distinguished as his colleague’s, and that’s understandable. Not everyone was on Suge Knight’s good side. Mr. Ice chose to explore his whiteness and foolishly abandon all that he had worked hard for over the years. And he chose to explore his whiteness in the most god awful way possible, by making pseudo-metal music. I know first hand how crappy it is, for I had the pleasure of seeing a Vanilla Ice show at the local fraternity house near campus when I was a freshman. Adam and I figured that it would be great to say we went and saw vanilla ice. Boy were we wrong. What a complete embarrassment. At least we got to hear his rock rendition of “Ice Ice Baby”, which was worse than the original, to say the least. But, I do give the Iceman his due for smoking a fine bowl with us afterwards when we snuck past the tight security into the “backstage” area, and for signing the lighter that Adam stole from him. And that experience alone makes him the winner here.
Winner-Ice
TV/MOVIE APPEARANCES AND WORK-This is an important category right here. Maybe even the most important. These are the moves that define one’s legacy. The intelligent guest spot will boost your fame to stratospheric heights, while a poorly chosen one will make your career get shit on faster than a 15 year old at R. Kelly’s house. Let’s start with the small stuff. Hammer is now a TV preacher. Big whoop. He was also on some regional mortgage commercials. Yay. Ice did “Cool as Ice”, the movie equivalent of a roomful of blind monkeys crapping into a large canvas bag and calling it potpourri. So we can basically discount all that crap and focus on the heavy hitters. First, they were both on VH1’s crapfest of washed up celebrities known as ‘The Surreal Life”. Hammer was a huge disappointment on that show, he didn’t provide me with what I wanted, ridiculous behavior and drunkenness. For shame Hammer, for shame. But the Iceman did provide me with quality entertainment. He yelled, tried to act like he was still a celebrity, good times. This brings us to the pinnacle of both of these gents filmic careers. Hammer had a cartoon called “Hammerman”, which I’m sure we all remember. Hell, just read the description from imdb: “Stanley worked at the local recreational center in the city of Oaktown. Whenever trouble threatens his homeboys, Stanley puts on his magical dancing shoes and is transformed into his super-heroic alter-ego, Hammerman!” Now, if that’s not entertainment, I don’t know what is! You would think that would sew up the victory for good old Hammer. But no, not by a long shot. Don’t forget about a little thing called “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze”. In the most pivotal scene of the movie, the turtles are pursuing the elusive foot and are confronted by the recently mutated Bebop and Rocksteady in the vicinity of an off and popping discotheque. The turtles bust in, and what do they see? Why, none other than the Iceman himself, who, true to his title, remains cool as ice in the face of such strange happenings. What does he do when faced with such peril, such uncertainty? He busts out one of the greatest movie freestyles of all time, that’s what! The lights shining, the audience quiet, and Ice belts out “Yo! It’s the green machine, Gonna rock the town without being seen!” Not only did he break the tension, but he gave the heroes in a half shell the opportunity to do some of that delightful break dancing they’ve been waiting all those years to bust in public. The shackles of secrecy were busted, the turtles had gone Hollywood. All thanks to Mr. Ice. Bravo sir, bravo.
Winner-Ice
DEFINING SONG-Of course, in the end, for the most part both of these fools will be remembered for one song, and one song only. Nobody cares about any other songs besides “Can’t Touch This” and “Ice, ice Baby” and you know it. Yeah, the movie and TV appearances are highlariously ridiculous for the most part, but that’s not the bread and butter of their popularity. Seeing as I’ve been rambling for many pages already, let’s keep this short. “Can’t Touch This” is a classic move your feet, early 90’s rap song. You can just picture Hammer doing the Hammer Dance whenever you hear this song. Theses songs are defined by two things: 1) memorable chorus and 2) instantly singable lines, ones that you remember even though you’re 35 and have clogged your brain with so many beers and bong rips. Lets assess based on this criteria. I think a small chart will fit nicely here, don’t you?
Hammer
1) The cant touch this chorus is simple and gets stuck in your head, every time. I dare you to listen to the song and not sing along with it!
Vanilla
Who doesn’t know “Ice ice baby (do do do do do do do do)” or the variation “Ice ice baby, too cold”
Hammer
2) Id say the most memorable line is “I toured around the world from London to the BAY
It's Hammer go Hammer
mc hammer yo hammer and the rest can go and play”
Vanilla
This is what thrusts Ice ahead in this category. Honestly now, what person from the 20-28 age group can’t bust out “Alright stop, collaborate and listen, Ice is back with a brand new invention.” That shit is almost universal.
Winner-Vanilla
INTANGIBLES- Good god, when is this gonna end! I know, I know. I’ll wrap it up. One last short thing is necessary to determine this contest once and for all. The intangibles. The indefinable thing that makes good into great. And whose got it, you might ask? Well, ask yourself this, if you saw these two men walking down the street, who would cause you to laugh harder, or to crack better jokes? That’s right, Mr. Robert Van Winkle Himself!
Winner-Vanilla Van Winkle
So, in a blowout, Vanilla Ice takes this one in a landslide decision of 5-1. That’s what I call a decisive victory. I hope you enjoyed my insights, and if not, kiss my white ass. Until we meet again!
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