• HEALTH & RECOVERY
    Welcome Guest
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Thread Directory 1 Thread Directory 2
    Mindfulness Links Addiction & Mind
    Sober Living Partner Program (SLiPP)
  • H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist

The April getting/staying sober thread vs Moonwalking ( backward steps )

Status
Not open for further replies.
thanks guys, really appreciate everyone n all. It's kind of cool to come on a forum I've been using since I was a teenager to get fucked up and maybe do something positive...even if it is just to say that a kid like me who shot dope for 6 years got clean for six months and is still going strong. Everyone can do this one day at a time!!
 
Very inspirational, maiquan :-)
Thank you for showing others the possibilities that exist within.
Stay strong !!
 
tripnotyzm said:
Very inspirational, maiquan :-)
Thank you for showing others the possibilities that exist within.
Stay strong !!
Click to expand...

i agree with this statement 110%.

We can always find the strength inside of us to do whatever we want to.

How is everyone doing today? <3
 
I'm drug free but that's about all I got today. I didn't use drugs, but damn do I feel sick today...
 
I really want to escape to someplace far away from here. I want to construct a life for myself that does not require constant interaction with a society that just wants to bring me down. To be able to self-sustain somewhere near the beach, where I can buy my food locally from kind-hearted people with genuine smiles. Perhaps I can use my smarts to be a teacher or something. But a life full of recreation, deep conversations with other enlightened souls, warm breezes during the days and thunderstorms in the middle of the night. Somewhere full of love, compassion and acceptance, somewhere free of judgement, shame and greed. If I have to build it from the ground myself, I will. Is it really too far-fetched to ask for a little corner of solace, sheltered away from the evils of the world?

Some days I feel that it is an attainable goal, other days I tell myself to end the fantasy that won't ever happen. It's a pretty hopeless feeling trying to talk yourself out of a dream. But it is almost as painful watching your life fly by with the fantasy just sitting there in your head.

Credit-card debt, student loans, fines and fees, background checks, warrants, attorneys, unemployment, collections agencies, rent, utilities, late fees, 4-6 week delays, traffic, HR departments, probation, medical bills, missing papers, apply online, dress clothes, fake smiles, overdraft fees, loans, mandatory minimums.

And then Lady H. She creates the problems, yet on the dark days she seems like the only one willing to help you escape.

I was walking home tonight and it was really cold outside. Watching all of the families drive through rush hour on their ways to ice cream shops or dance practice or to their comfortable suburban homes. People always look happy when you are miserable, and appear miserable when you are trying to have a good day. I tell myself that I do hope that they are happy, and for a moment I feel a wave of jealousy. But then I think back to when I had that life and how I still had a need to invite Lady H over for brunch. I wonder if I would still think of her in my remote corner of a new life? I dunno, but standing there in the cold, over-analyzing my predicament, I had that hollow, empty look of hopelessness on my face that Lady H taught me how to make. I didn't get high today, but I felt her there next to me in a way. And it SUCKED.

Today was just a really gloomy day. I expect more of the same tomorrow. I hope not, but I feel like each passing day eats away a bit at the small amount of hope I have left.
 
Last edited:
Much love to you RL <3 All we can ever ask of ourselves is that we show up and do our best. Jah will provide everything else we need. Often times we have no idea what that even is.
 
RedLeader said:
I really want to escape to someplace far away from here. I want to construct a life for myself that does not require constant interaction with a society that just wants to being me down. To be able to self-sustain somewhere near the beach, where I can buy my food locally from kind-hearted people with genuine smiles. Perhaps I can use my smarts to be a teacher or something. But a life dull of recreation, deep conversations with other enlightened souls, warm breezes during the days and thunderstorms in the middle of the night. Somewhere full of love, compassion and acceptance, somewhere free of judgement, shame and greed. If I have to build it from the ground myself, I will. Is it really too far-fetched to ask for a little corner of solace, sheltered away from the evils of the world?

Some days I feel that it is an attainable goal, other days I tell myself to end the fantasy that won't ever happen. It's a pretty hopeless feeling trying to talk yourself out of a dream. But it is almost as painful watching your life fly by with the fantasy just sitting there in your head.

Credit-card debt, student loans, fines and fees, background checks, warrants, attorneys, unemployment, collections agencies, rent, utilities, late fees, 4-6 week delays, traffic, HR departments, probation, medical bills, missing papers, apply online, dress clothes, fake smiles, overdraft fees, loans, mandatory minimums.

And then Lady H. She creates the problems, yet on the dark days she seems like the only one willing to help you escape.

I was walking home tonight and it was really cold outside. Watching all of the families drive through rush hour on their ways to ice cream shops or dance practice or to their comfortable suburban homes. People always look happy when you are miserable, and appear miserable when you are trying to have a good day. I tell myself that I do hope that they are happy, and for a moment I feel a wave of jealousy. But then I think back to when I had that life and how I still had a need to invite Lady H over for brunch. I wonder if I would still think of her in my remote corner of a new life? I dunno, but standing there in the cold, over-analyzing my predicament, I had that hollow, empty look of hopelessness on my face that Lady H taught me how to make. I didn't get high today, but I felt her there next to me in a way. And it SUCKED.

Today was just a really gloomy day. I expect more of the same tomorrow. I hope not, but I feel like each passing day eats away a bit at the small amount of hope I have left.
Click to expand...

RED STAY IN TODAY.. I can tell the addiction is fukn with you hard.. try this, Until you are able to recognize the Illusion that addiction cast, please don't trust your own thoughts.. YEAH DON'T TRUST YOUR OWN THOUGHTS!!!! just because they seem real and come with strong emotions, THEY AREN'T REAL.. please look at your thoughts like you would a SHADY(and I know there are so many good) but a SHADY junkie, double think everything, write down what you are feeling and reread it and logically pick it apart.. Its nonsense based on fact. look at every memory and associated emotions... YOUR GETN PLAYD RED.. the shit is an illusion.. quintuple check any thought pattern that ends in you wanting to use... once you see through the illusion you will never fall under its power again..

When it messes with you about your past.. sweep it clean in one big stroke and forgive yourself and everyone else for everything... EVERYTHING.. its deception has to be rooted in fact..
When it messes with you about the future, relax.. think of who you are.. records suck, I have one, the man sucks.. but only if you choose to lie down for him.. screw the man and his imaginary shackles.. there is a war going on here, and kinda only one side is fighting.. and its ruining peoples lives in the name of saving them!!! Change needs to happen..

Also when it tries to instill the hopelessness... think about the image of that girl/boy you have had in your head since you were a child as long as you can remember, think of that person, how they looked then, how they have grown and aged, how they smile, the beautiful features.. yeah think about the sole mate, you could be ten seconds from meeting them, and none of the things that its throwing at you to cause hopelessness or doubt will matter to that person.. hang in there red and stay in today.. until you can see the deception<3<3<3

RED YOU REALLY TELLING ME YOU CANT CLIMB OUTA THIS LITTLE HOLE.. YEAH THATS WHAT I THOUGHT.. CHILDS PLAY=D

EDIT: BUY GETTING IN THE WAR I DON'T PROMOTE VIOLENCE AT ALL.. WE NEED TO WORK TO EDUCATE, CHANGE POLICY, EFFECT LAW CHANGE, FURTHER DEVELOPE THERAPY, EXPOSE HOW ADDICTS ARE CREATED, ABUSED, AND MILKED, YES THE ADDICT IS A HUGE CASH COW FOR SOOOOO MANY GREEDY PEOPLE.. VIOLENCE IS NEVER THE ANSWER%)

EDIT2: IF YOU ARE ABLE TO SEE ALL THE STRINGS ADDICTION PULLS THEN YOU WILL SEE ALL THE STRINGS THERE ARE OR EVER WILL BE.. YOU WILL BE FREE OF ADDICTION BUT MORE IMPORTANT YOU WILL BE FREE OF ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING THAT CAN MANIPULATE YOU!!!!


EDIT THREE: @ 101 GOOD DAYS AND BAD DAYS.. ACCEPTANCE.. HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER<3
 
Last edited:
RL, I have similar feelings about the life I want to live, in a nice small warm hearted community. I used to live in a small off the grid intentional community and I realized that people are like plants, and you gotta find the right soil to plant yourself in in order to thrive. It's different for everyone, but if you have an idea of the kind of life you would like to be living, then you should explore all the different ways to make it happen. I am taking baby steps with that right now, but it helps me get through the tougher times when I move closer towards understanding what I want out of life. Hang in there. Even in your gloominess you have a picture of a better more fulfilling life for yourself, that's a really good thing to hold on to.

I do not consider myself clean because I am tapering, but I have made no backsteps and have been chugging along with my schedule at a brisk pace. It's sad for my wallet, but my hours at work got cut so badly that I will have 5 days off in a row next week and I'm a little nervous because I know it will not be easy, but it feels like the universe is saying "there's your chance, that's when you stop completely". I'm definitely close to the point where it's as good as it's gonna get with the taper and there's no need to prolong it any longer. Just gonna have to bear the rest and hold onto my dream of the life I want to build for myself.
 
Im today 30 days from the last time I used suboxone or any other centrally active opioid (just using loperamide), and man am I'm finally starting to feel normal again. My head is in so much better of a place even with some of the BS going on in my life. I can handle it a lot better than I was the last two weeks. Super pumped about being able to survive with out something in my veins daily. I can actually go on with life with out worrying about making sure I have my methadone or some other opioid on me at all times.
 
RedLeader, bro I can't even tell you how much I feel what you said bro. Ever since I can remember, even as a child that is all I've ever wanted...all that you just described. But like you yourself said that kind of place really is an internal landscape and bit by bit we help to create it externally around us. Like for me a huge turning point in my recovery was to stop indulging in fantasy. Far back as I can remember I've had this dream-world in my own head that was so beautiful and rich, but I was never able to overcome obstacles to help actually make it happen and so I slipped farther and farther into despair and chemical repair. It helps a lot to meet others like ourselves though, dreamers and thinkers. It is hardest for us to take affirmative action but I've found that once we do...nothing can stop us brother. But just know that you are felt on this forum and with me in particular and as long as there is someone else you can relate to the loneliness is tolerable. Take that shit one day at a time and your life will change and get better I can promise you that. Much love to you man and feel free to PM me anytime.
 
Thanks, guys. Made it through another day. It is nice to know that there are a few others out there like me. I often don't feel like I fit in that well with recovery circles.

When I finally do carve out my niche in the world, you all will be invited. We can really give the community thing a shot. But realistically, I do promise that if I pull it off, my door will always be open whenever anyone needs an escape from the daily grind. Just give me a bit of time to figure it all out first.

"Despair and chemical repair" is a great way of putting it. It was a nicer say outside today, and I felt a little better, and without feeling like my empty face of lost dreams was on display. Rode the bus into the city to pay bills too, and wasn't tempted to take the money and go drug shopping either. Had a great fruit smoothie while watching the setting sun. My ex also texted me out of the blue (the one I have missed for five years and who was interested last year and was blown off by strung-out me. Why oh why oh why)

Boring day of tedious tasks planned tomorrow. But my data gets reset, so I can listen to music online all day if needed.

I hope everyone is doing well. :)
 
Last edited:
I'm alright. Kinda got stood up by an ex in the program (we broke up cuz she disappears sometimes). Was really hoping to get some ass tonight lol.
 
Haha, ya guys I'm going through something similar with an ex of mine. I dated this girl for four years...all of high-school. We were inseperable and to be fair she really was the most amazing woman I've ever met. Beautiful, athletic, intelligent (graduated 2nd in my class). My junkie ass messed it up though and we parted ways quite unceremoniously my senior year. Randomly out of the blue she facebooks me and we've been chatting for a couple weeks now. I'm trying not to move too fast and blow it but I don't want her to get away a second time...even if it just becomes a friendship. One of the gifts of recovery man, you get to take chances you wouldn't normally get to take. You begin to get your self-confidence back and trust me ppl notice even if you don't.
 
hey red, ^^that was a good piece of writing up there.^^

I'll add that the outside world isn't good or bad, it just is what it is.

Most of those people that you think you see aren't really so happy;
they are lost and galloping full tilt, out of control towards their own demise just like the rest of us.

You'll need to find a way to be kind to yourself,
like a good friend who wants the best for you would be.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top