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The April getting/staying sober thread vs Moonwalking ( backward steps )

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DroneLore said:
I didn't do any drugs yesterday, and went to an AA meeting. It wasn't my first meeting, but it was the first one where I really wanted to get clean. Before, I was just trying to make other people think I was clean. I'm a little dopesick I think. I might go to another meeting tonight but I have weird feelings about it. Like the people there will look down on me for quitting the program and coming back. I'm sure that's wrong and that many, many people have done it and been in the same situation as me. I don't know. "Well I guess that I just don't know."
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Hey DroneLore.. congratulations on making the decision to want to get clean and beginning the process to accomplish that. I feel that is the hardest and most important part of getting clean!!! Now just work your way down that path.. sometimes its frustrating and i can be scary, but the rewards, at least for me and so many people I know are amazing. As far as worrying that the others in the fellowship of AA will look down on you for quitting the program and coming back, IMO this is a totally irrational fear and is may be propagated buy your addiction and its desire to stay active, If I think about how many people took to the fellowships, that I know, the first time and remained sober since the first time they decided to hang around the tables, I would estimate the percentage as less than ten, and it could even be lower. The AA/NA fellowships are full of people who have struggled mightily with substance abuse and most if not all have had hang ups with the program, relapses, in fact in the NA white book it says "Many of us have had some reservations at this point, so give yourself a break and be as thorough as possible from the start." in reference to beginning the process. The members of AA/NA should be compassionate and understanding (while calling fellow members when they cant see their own BS, as we addicts are pretty good bullshiters to ourselves and others) and welcome you back. If this is not the case you may want to explore another fellowship (NA) or a different group of people in AA.. other meetings or home groups. If a large number of meetings are available to you then finding a homegroup where you are comfortable can be a powerful tool in recovery. IMO you did a bunch of the hard part buy making that decision and going to seek help.. now with a little help, work, determination, and patients you can find yourself in places you would never have thought possible. Good luck D.Lore<3


Im doing well after working through a hang up i created with NA, I just had to remember that 3/4 of most meetings you can say what you want and the only thing that limits the scope of NA for me is me.. hope every one is hanging in there and doing at least a sliver better than yesterday:D
 
RedLeader said:


Don't overthink it. Most people (take away a few elderly monks and people in active addiction) get angry. And despite what they might claim most people cry too. Now our f--ked up culture might try and claim that these things are weaknesses, but if anyone is doing something wrong it is the person looking down on others for acting human. Tap into the part of you that once defied the crowd, drank and drugged, and stand up for yourself and your dynamic emotions. Don't give anyone anything to pick at. It is natural to crave altering your consciousness, it is natural to get angry or sad.

With that said, just like you got sober for yourself, you will have the best success changing your emotional responses to things if you change them for yourself. Okay, something pisses you off and you want to yell or punch a wall. But every time you do, you end up full of guilt. Maybe you yelled at a girlfriend or broke something. Don't try and react differently next time just to cause less damage to your surroundings. Change to cause less damage to your mind. Guilt is probably the absolute worst and most destructive emotion there is. Right? It hurts so, so bad. So you limit your anger to the point where it won't lead to guilt. If you get worked up, pause and focus on your blood moving through your body, your muscles tensing. Feel it all, feel alive with your anger. Then try and bring it all to your chest and take some deep breaths. Still want to have an outburst?
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Thanks RedLeader. You are absolutely right about our culture's ineptness at supporting or encouraging sensitivity.

It's not that I am scared or ashamed of being an emotional person. I've always been an extreme extrovert. Even as a child I remember if I heard a heartwrenching story it would do me in hours. I cry at movies, songs, poems, all of it. Years of meditation and yoga have provided me with a good foundation for being comfortable with myself and my sappy, big old heart. My loved ones and inner circle all know I wear my emotions on my sleeve, and expect this from me.

What bothers me is this new inability to regulate how my emotions affect me, not others. It seems that with every week that I am sober, I lose the power or the tools to step out of the emotion and move past it. I'm not flashing on other people; I am internalizing these feelings and letting them overwhelm me. And the root of these emotional breakdowns are always really benign. I think it is simple: ganja + opiates did that regulation for me: in essence they were a safety net that caught things before they spiraled and overwhelmed me. And they certainly made me focus more on positive emotions rather than difficult ones.

Thank you for helping me process.
 
neversickanymore said:
Hey DroneLore.. congratulations on making the decision to want to get clean and beginning the process to accomplish that. I feel that is the hardest and most important part of getting clean!!! Now just work your way down that path.. sometimes its frustrating and i can be scary, but the rewards, at least for me and so many people I know are amazing. As far as worrying that the others in the fellowship of AA will look down on you for quitting the program and coming back, IMO this is a totally irrational fear and is may be propagated buy your addiction and its desire to stay active, If I think about how many people took to the fellowships, that I know, the first time and remained sober since the first time they decided to hang around the tables, I would estimate the percentage as less than ten, and it could even be lower. The AA/NA fellowships are full of people who have struggled mightily with substance abuse and most if not all have had hang ups with the program, relapses, in fact in the NA white book it says "Many of us have had some reservations at this point, so give yourself a break and be as thorough as possible from the start." in reference to beginning the process. The members of AA/NA should be compassionate and understanding (while calling fellow members when they cant see their own BS, as we addicts are pretty good bullshiters to ourselves and others) and welcome you back. If this is not the case you may want to explore another fellowship (NA) or a different group of people in AA.. other meetings or home groups. If a large number of meetings are available to you then finding a homegroup where you are comfortable can be a powerful tool in recovery. IMO you did a bunch of the hard part buy making that decision and going to seek help.. now with a little help, work, determination, and patients you can find yourself in places you would never have thought possible. Good luck D.Lore<3
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Thanks for telling me what I needed to hear. I went to the meeting and hung out with people for like 3 hours after it. I might even be able to sleep tonight because of all that standing up. I really want to get high, or at least get straight, but if I can just sleep tonight then I will have two days!
 
^ it get REALLY good REALLY quick.. what you are going through is temporary.. SOON, you will feel better all the time compared to that little sliver of time you felt pretty good, but whacked at the same time. Remember when the addiction starts making you think crazy.. you are amazing and dont believe the BULL SHIT that it makes you think, it just wants you to use, PERIOD<3=D<3
 
^ don't count the days my friend, make the days count. All we really got is today. I don't count time as prisoners count time and we are already free. Get plugged in with some other clean folks and show up early and stay late and HAVE FUN! Keep pushing on and find other groups and don't be afraid to cross fellowships.
 
Thank you guys <3 it's getting easier.. If by the smallest fragment of measurement. When I look back to where I was 2 weeks ago I am so thankful I've made it this far.

Going early and staying late is great advice. It's a great way to make friends and embrace sobriety even more.
 
Great job everyone!

I've been at a family reunion for the past couple of days and its been great not having to get dunk every day and "control" my drinking. My family even cheersed me on putting together some long term sobriety! Looking back on it all it feels really fucking good.
 
^ Love the Ganesha avatar!

Thanks! Technically I am not gonna call it thirty until morning, but it does feel good. My sleep is back (slept 11 hours last night) and I am definitely feeling the fruits of 26 days in a row of exercise. Sex drive came back this week and I have debated putting "serotonin101-esque" in one-word a few times after grocery shopping!

If I can get to 30, anyone can. I had it BAD in the head.
 
Heh. Congrats RL. If you hit any bumps in the road man you got my number. Always here for ya bud. I'm just sitting on the couch watching trainspotting. Never thought I'd watch this movie clean and not crave at all.
 
Ill have to check it out. Thanks for the movie recommendation. Always looking for movies centered around "junkydom" and all its reality.
 
Ya, Requiem and Trainspotting are pretty good but also a bit too theatrical at the sacrifice of feeling real. But Candy is real and they clearly did their homework writing the script. No glorification, all of the dark emotions from the thick of it, a junkie love story that plays out exactly as they do. Oh man, actually let me know when you do watch it. It's real, but so real in the worst of ways that it will only reaffirm your desire to stay clean. You will like the female lead too, buddy! :)

Time for bed. Hopefully another night of plentiful sleep and vivid dreams. Hopefully will get a good workout in after waking up and source me some seafood for Seafood Sundays. Night all.
 
RL, it's great to read you're doing so well. Sleep and sex drive returning is a VERY good sign. But you know this, you've been here before. Congrats on the 30 days. :)

Zwanya, the emotional turbulence you're experiencing, absolutely typical mate, I think every single one of us here as ex-opiate addicts has been through this. They're such effective mood stabilisers, so very good at keeping us on an even keel the sudden absence of them can cause wild swings in mood. And because opiates dramatically limit your emotional range you've not been used to feeling them at their full intensity for a long time. They will feel very strong, very raw. It's this stage I believe that is the hardest, and it's what often sends addicts back to their DOC, to try and get some respite from them. Guilt can be an absolute bitch at this stage for instance, now that you can properly feel it. Try not to dwell on things too much. Acknowledge the emotion, note it, is it something you might want to address later when you're on a more even keel, or is it just your brain fucking with you? Hold on, they do settle down in time naturally, and you will get more used to dealing with them. Anything you can do to help settle them in the meantime will be very useful to you. RedLeader's advice is rock solid, as usual. :)

Anyways, though it was about time I checked in, I have been slacking somewhat. My limited energies have been required elsewhere, I've been applying the little I have to IRL stuff but one of those issues now come very, very good so now I'm just back on with work and keeping the wolves from the door. I'm doing good still. Nailed last month, and blow me if we're not two weeks into this one already. How did that happen? My mood's good, my sleeping pattern has finally settled after months and months into something I can actually function on, I have no desire for alcohol whatsoever at the mo, feeling dead positive I'm on top of things again and the sun is shining at last. To say I came very close to killing myself a couple of times last month life is good! :)

Keep it up guys. We're rocking our shit here, aren't we! =D
 
Officially six months today guys an gals. So proud of myself and everyone here on BL that is making an honest attempt to change their lifestyle for the better. I can't say it's all been roses but for sure it has been worth the rewards reaped. It is a struggle some-days to keep my "head above water" so-to-speak and keep occupied but no matter what I don't pick up and I make sure I hit that pillow without getting high. Congrats to the thirty days man. Keep it movin' no matter what and life will continue to improve as long as you keep the faith in yourself and your "HP".
 
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