The Apocalypse of Lex,
or, The Timely Tale of a Little Boy and a Cunt-Tree,
another possibly horrible short story
not likely to be read by many
which is brought to you
by the man who goes under the pseudonym of Rewiiired,
and who is otherwise known as Tim.
Unlike many members of the American youth, little Lex did not have a cell phone or an iPOD. He did not have so much as a ten-year-old computer with a quaint and pesky dial-up internet access. His father was a trucker with a gray beard, a beer gut, droll interests and an embarrassingly limited vocabulary. His mother was an overworked waitress. And the closest thing Lex had to a babysitter was the big, sixteen-inch flat-screen television that his intelligent, overworked, emotionally-bankrupt and pathologically narcissistic mother had wasted her hard-earned money on during one of her high-strung, compulsive, consumer rampages so that she could keep up on the mind-numbing, IQ-lowering reality TV and game shows.
On a particular late afternoon the young boy stared at the screen with wide, vein-ridden eyes as the tall and muscular man in fatigues with distance in his eyes screamed at the camera about how he was proud, proud to fight for his country. That he would die for his country. And Lex continued to gaze at and listen attentively to the television quizzically for a moment before turning his little noggin hesitantly to the stairway, then up the stairway, landing his eyes at last on the the door to the room just at the top and to the left, which was just barely in his view. Though it was dark up there, he could see the light spill through into the hallway from beneath the door; over the volume of the television, he could hear music from the 70s drifting down the stairwell.
Finally having made his decision, he got up off the ground, where he had been sitting cross-legged, and climbed up the steps. Once he reached the top, he stood outside the door, on which was tacked a poster. It was composed of images of a fetus and a gravestone, each inside the other, with the headstone white, the fetus black. Tombstone within fetus within tombstone within fetus on and on, smaller and smaller towards infinity. Over the image was purple lettering which read, Agis Quod Adis. Lex stared at it a moment before quietly calling out for his older brother from just outside the door.
"Jimmy? Jimmy?"
The door was cracked open just a touch and as Lex leaned on it, he incidentally pushed it further open; then he deliberately continued to push it open, though slowly, still calling out for his brother in that same loud whisper of his. When the door was open enough, he poked his head in slightly and looked to the right, where the foot of his brother's bed was. His brother lay atop it, head propped up by a pile of pillows at the head of the bed, with his arm wrapped around the half-naked girl who lay beside him.
She is pretty, he thought to himself. With that reddish-blond hair, freckles, and those deep and penetrating green eyes, the look of her was like a sensual massage for his eyes. Smoke bellowed from Jimmy's mouth and through his big, 70's-style sunglasses he looked at his younger brother approvingly.
"What's up, kid?"
In response, Lex found himself involuntarily moving his head further into the room, perking up his ears and looking to the left, towards the stereo, and Jimmy watched as an enlightened look quickly grew on the young boy's face.
Jimmy laughed, nodding his head in approval. "It's Zeppelin, buddy. Cool shit, huh?" He passed the small cigarette to the girl beside him and then sat up and leaned forward, bringing his face closer to his brother. "So what do you need, little Lex?"
Lex turned his head back towards Jimmy and shrugged, kind of shy to ask his question at first. He didn't want to seem dumb, but his curiosity was aching him, so he just came out with it. "What's a cunt tree? The man on the television said it was worth fighting for and dying for, so I figure it must be pretty special. Do you know about cunt trees?"
The girl beside Jimmy touched his shoulder, looking at Jimmy sweetly, and somewhat solemnly, when he turned his face to meet her own. The look on her face was akin to the expression you might find on the face of a person who had just seen an an infant take his first step. Jimmy traded warm smiles with the girl for a moment before turning to look back at his brother.
"Yeah, bro," he said. "Yeah, I do. And I think it's about time we had this talk."
Upon hearing that, Lex stepped back away from the door, arms bent and hands up, palms exposed and fingers outstretched before him, as if he were trying to signal someone to keep away. The horror on his face threw Jimmy into a state of total confusion.
"Whoa," Jimmy replied in a calm, quiet and concerned tone, "What's wrong, buddy?"
"Well," Lex said, swallowing, his voice wavering, "Daddy said that before he started telling me about the birds, bees, flowers and stuff. It was like he was talking in code and it was kinda, I don't know, creepy and awkward."
Jimmy laughed out loud, his grin returning in a flash. "Nothing to worry about, pal. This conversation will be nothing like that, I promise. This is all cool. I'm going to tell you things not many people know, but you've got to keep it a secret. Just between you and me, okay?"
Lex relaxed a bit and shook his head up and down speedily. "Got it."
"Okay," he said, carefully climbing over the girl and stepping off the bed. Turning to her, and just before kissing her on the lips, he whispered sweetly, "This might be awhile, so just hang out here and relax, `kay?"
She nodded knowingly and drew in the smoke from that cigarette, her one eye squinting to dodge the smoke. She looked deep into Lex's eyes and waved to him, her four delicate fingers bending up and down slowly, one after another, seductively, and her thin lips curled into a smile. As Lex watched her in fascination, he couldn't explain it, not even to himself, but something about her in that moment was beautiful. There was something there, something about that image, that made him tingly in a strange way that he was not at all familiar with and left him with an ache, an ache similar to hunger or thirst; the kind of ache that tells you that you desperately need something.
Jimmy walked to the door, opened it wider, patted Lex on the shoulder and guided him away from that sacred vision and towards the stairs, closing the door to his room in the process. "We're gonna take a little walk in the woods out back, okay?"
Lex nodded, and they exited the house out the back. He had not been outside in some time; so long, in fact, that he had almost forgotten how wonderful it was. With the clear blue sky hanging above, broken here and there by a few soft and white clouds, it was a wonderful summer day. The occasional wind was gentle, like a delicate exhale of some invisible mother; it held a soft power, soothing the skin, combing through the hair and sending the leaves high up in the trees clapping softly in a calming kind of chorus as they made their way.
"So," Jimmy finally said, breaking the silence, "Let me ask you something, little brother. Did mom and dad ever tell you how you got here? I mean, blatantly, beyond the whole birds and bees code?"
After considering the question a moment, Lex shrugged. "Mommy told me it had to do with a rest stop in Texas and a guy named Jack Daniels."
"That's not exactly what I meant. I mean about sex."
"Where the wiener goes into the coochie?"
"Where the wiener goes into the coochie, right. Like you and me are boys and Tissa back there is a girl, and we have that thing between our legs but she doesn't. How she has something else and how they can, you know, go together to make something special."
"Like babies."
"Sometimes. But sometimes its just a pleasure you share with someone. And ultimately an orgasm, if you do it right. Ever hear of an orgasm?"
"Yes," he said defensively, "I watch television, ya know."
"Right, right. But do you know about a girl's first time?"
"The hymen and the cherry topping?"
"Cherry popping, bro. But close enough. Anyway, what you probably don't know is that some girls are special. They have something very special hiding behind those wonderful lower lips of theirs and if you're the guy to take their virginity you get to keep that something. Its like a gift or surprise."
"Like the prize at the bottom of a cracker jacks box?"
"A lot like that, yeah, but way cooler."
"What is it?"
"An acorn," Jimmy said, and at that point Lex suddenly stopped walking and looked up at his older brother with a glare. Jimmy was immediately concerned. "What? What's wrong?"
To this question, Lex just rolled his eyes, sighing loudly and throwing his shoulders and arms down at the same time, letting his palms slap against the sides of his legs. "Come on, Jimmy, give me a break. You're trying to fool me."
"No I'm not."
"You're bullshitting me."
Jimmy laughed. "No, really, Lex, I'm not bullshitting you." He grabbed his little brother's hand. "Now listen, if you ever help a girl lose her virginity -- "
"I'm confused about that part. Do you take a girl's virginity or does she lose it?"
"Well, let's say that she would lose it to you. That make more sense?"
"I think so," he said. "So you take a girl's virginity, so she lost it to you, so now you're the virgin, right?"
"No. You don't gain virginity by taking it from a girl."
"Is that because the cherry popped? The virginity's not any good anymore? It goes sour or is expired or something?"
"Yes, something like that. The cherry is popped. The virginity is gone."
"So why would you take it?"
"We'll get to that, but look, let's stay on track, Lex. This is important."
"Okay. So, the acorn."
"Yeah, if you ever, well, if the first time a girl ever has sex is when she's having sex with you, pay attention, because afterward you might see an acorn fall out of her vagina. Take it. Try not to let her see it or see you take it, too; just quickly stuff it in your pocket or something. It will be bloody, but deal with it."
"Eeew."
"No, it's okay. It's safe. Just think of the blood as the guts of the busted cherry. Anyway, as soon as you can take the acorn to a special spot in the woods, a faraway place where no one will get at it, and dig a hole there with your bare hands and bury it. Make sure it has sunlight. Be sure to water it, too. And don't touch it until it's eighteen years of age."
He looked at his brother with a raised eyebrow and almost shouted, "Eighteen years?"
"In tree years. Chill out. It equals out to about two weeks in human time."
"Okay. I still think your bullshitting me, though."
"Oh, I'm not, little bro. I swear to you. I have a cunt tree myself and I can say with certainty that I would fight and die for my cunt tree just like the man on the TV said he would, for it is simply the coolest thing in the world."
"Can I see it?"
He looked down at his brother and laughed, gripping more tightly on his hands. "Hell yeah. That's why we're here, buddy. That's where we're going. To the secret bald spot where my cunt tree awaits us."
"Neat-o."
They went down a hill and skipped from stone to stone over a large stream, and when they got to the other side their was a path of dirt cut into the grass lined on both sides with stones and it traveled upward, over a large, grassy hill. Just as they got across the river and onto the bottom of that path, Jimmy crouched down to get at eye level with his young brother and held both his hands.
"Okay, listen up, because it's right over that hill, okay? What I want you to do is go up the path. I'll be right behind you. But listen, the cunt tree may appear strange at first, perhaps even frightening, but I promise you if you let yourself have the right kind of eyes you will see the beauty of it and when you know the secrets it will give your life depths and heights that you have never before been able to so much as scarcely imagine."
Seeing the sincerity in his older brothers eyes, Lex nodded. Jimmy smiled, put his hands atop the boys head and ruffled his shaggy hair, laughing a bit. "Don't be scared pal," he pointed up the path. "You ready?"
Lex took a moment, breathed deep as if to gather his strength, and looked his brother in the eyes again before nodding.
"Ready."
And so he tread up that path, one wary foot after the other, with his older brother just behind him. As he climbed up that hill, it could have been his imagination but the sun seemed to come out in all of it's glory, the world seemed to become brighter, colors more vivid, fragrances more pronounced, reality somehow more real. And at the top of the hill, there it was.
Lex's mouth fell open he was so struck by the bizarre beauty of the tree. It had thick, winding roots that slithered deep into the earth. The trunk of the tree almost looked as if it was composed of two trunks wedded together, appearing as two legs held together tightly at the knees and then twisting, as if a beautiful woman you had been walking behind had suddenly stopped and turned the top half of her body to glance behind her. The trunk of the tree got wider towards the top, but the tree was full of nothing but elegant, graceful curves from top to bottom. The branches were hardly visible beneath the lush leaves and flowers that sprouted from them, and they were spread all about the top of the tree, and the bustling branches also leaned downward, as if to be in easy reach to those close to the ground. As Lex approached the tree, with Jimmy now right beside him, he saw that the flowers were not like ordinary flowers. Carefully, and oh-so gently, Jimmy cupped one hand beneath one of the flowers and held it at an angle where his little brother could see it up close.
"Now," Jimmy began, "you see these sort of pedals here? The ones within the flower?"
"Sure. They look like lips, kinda."
"Yeah, these are just like the lower lips you find on a woman, and it's called the labia. The outer part of it is the labia majora. This inner part -- this thin part here? This is the labia minora."
"If it has lips, can the vagina talk?"
"No, but it can make noises. Though usually only squishy or farting noises."
"Oh. Gross."
"Now, this hole, the central part here, this is the actual vagina, or the vaginal doorway, you could say. The hymen is this thin membrane that covers or surrounds this hole, and in some cases it doesn't stretch easily the first time a penis enters it. As a result it can tear, and when it tears it can bleed. And this, my little brother, is what they mean when they talk about 'popping the cherry'."
"Oh," he said, nodding. "I get it now. Eew."
"And the vagina hole is cool and all, as you can see, but don't develop tunnel vision, okay? Don't make that mistake, as it is by no means the most interesting, important and useful part of the whole flower here."
"Okay."
"Now, if you look on top of the vaginal cave opening here, traveling across this space called the vestibule, you find this here, which is another hole. This one is called the urethra. This is what a girl pees out of."
"Then don't aim it at me," Lex said, holding up his hand and looking away.
"Sorry, bro," he laughed, realigning the flower. "Anyway, this pee hole, it looks cool and all, sure, but not nearly as cool as this part here. This may very well be the coolest part of all. I would say hands down the coolest part." Jimmy took a moment, sticking his index finger, then another, into the vaginal hole, then working his way around it, touching it lightly, roughly, varying in intensity, outlining the lips with his fingers. Lex thought it might have been his imagination, but he thought the tree trembled for a moment. Then Jimmy held the flower close to Lex again, where he could see it clearly. "Okay, now, you see this small lump of tissue here, above the urethra, just above where both sides of the inner part of the labia meet at the tippy-top? Right under this sort of pocket or hood here?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I see it."
"That's the clitoris, or clit. The little man in the boat, some of have called it. Think of this clit as a sort of button. And if you master the art of using this button, my young Jedi, you have it made."
"What does the button do? Is it like the button they say the president can push to make the atom bombs explode and cause the apocalypse?"
"No, though in a sense, it can cause an incredible explosion, but not a destructive one. And it can cause an apocalypse, too, but not in the sense of a doomsday or catastrophe, only in the sense of the true meaning of the word apocalypse. Do you know what that word really means?"
"It means to reveal something."
"Exactly. I knew you were a smart kid. Well, this button, if you learn how to use it right, can cause just such a revelation spill across the face, body, mind and soul of a girl, and can consequently cause quite a revelation to come upon you."
"What's this hole here, at the bottom of the flower?"
"That's the anus. The pooper. I've never been one for that hole and I don't suppose that it needs much explaining."
"No. I am an expert on pooping."
"Aren't we all? Anyway, you see this area extending between the vagina and the anus? That's what they call the perineum. Some also call it the taint, as t'ain't the pussy or the asshole -- get it? -- and some call it the guiche or the grundle."
"Okay."
"But there is this muscle that stretches across the vagina and the asshole, surrounding them both in this figure-eight fashion, and this muscle is very important. It's called the Pubococcygeus muscle."
"The pee-yoo-whatsie?"
"It's pronounced pyoo-bo-cocksee-gee-us, but you can just call it the PC muscle, because Pubococcygeus is hard to remember and sort of a bitch to say. Regardless, it's the muscle both men and women feel contracting during orgasm and what a guy feels when he ejaculates."
"When he ejacto-whats?"
"Its when you spew goo from your penis, which I don't imagine has happened to you yet, so let's take another angle. You ever stop peeing before you're done? Like, you're pissing but then you just stop the steady flow of the pee?"
"Yeah."
"Well, the muscle you use to do that is the PC. Like any muscle, you can strengthen it through exercise -- kegel exercises, they're called. You first identify the muscle through stopping the pee, as I explained; women can stick their finger in their vagina and clench. Once you've located it, just clench while not peeing, doing ten reps or so a day. But don't do it while you piss too often because it can cause problems."
"What does it do?"
"If you do the exercises correctly? Well, it can increase orgasm in both men and women and help in control of sexual performance. A guy can learn to hold off, for instance, and extend the sex. Some eastern-borne religions and spiritual practices -- the sum of which are usually referred to by us Westerners as Tantra, though in actuality Tantra extends beyond sex -- believe that you can use exercises like the kegel to control your libido or sexual energy and allow it to ascend up your body, opening your higher, spiritual energy centers. In the process, you can develop psychic abilities and become enlightened and all that jazz."
"Neat."
"And on the more earthly-plane side of things it's also important to note that a girl who knows how to use her PC muscle can, among other things, squeeze your penis while you're inside her."
"Eek. Does it hurt?"
"No, no, I assure you, it feels very nice. Here stick your finger in here, in the vagina hole." Jimmy guided his brother by the wrist a bit but then let go, as the boy seemed to know what he was doing. He put his finger directly into the vagina and bounced a bit with surprise when it clenched.
The boy giggled. "Cool. They're like little hugs from the inside."
"Exactly. Now, some girls can just clench or hug with their PCs, like this little taco-blossom here, but other girls can actually isolate the muscles, which allow them to pretty much 'milk' your penis from inside their vagina. And that, my boy? That is particularly amazing and wonderful."
The little boy took out his finger and then, with some caution, sniffed it. "It smells nice."
"It smells much nicer when you master the art. You get the happy juices. Now, let's get back to the clit, shall we? This button, so far as we can tell, is unique, some claim, in that it exists solely for the purpose of sexual enjoyment. Though the mushroom tip on a man's penis is quite sensitive, a woman's clit allegedly has two times the amount of nerve endings. So it's quite the button."
Lex was listening to him, but he had stuck his finger back in the blossom, exploring it's insides, moving his index finger around in different motions and at different intensities, moving it in and out, working around the outside of it, and finally making his way towards the engorged clitoris. He could have been mistaken, but he thought he felt the tree shudder and let out a high-pitched moan; this stopped him for a second, but he assured himself it was the wind and began fingering the blossom again, this time so lost in the moment he hardly heard his elder brother, who was, at this point, quite high on the information he was bestowing upon the youth.
"About once a month, this tree, like women, has what some like to call a little visitor. At first when you see it happen with this tree it can appear very frightening. I know it frightened me when I first saw it, though I have come to respect it. I call it the red rains. This is when the flowers drip menstrual blood, which is good for the soil, for it makes great fertilizer. So it's good for the tree, see? It is, to some degree, quite the self-maintaining tree."
After Lex began to tease the clit with a little approach and retreat, he felt as the tree suddenly shook like an earthquake was occurring; little Lex could literally feel the earth move as the roots of the tree deep down in the soil seemed to wriggle with delight and delightful moans and sighs seemed to come at him from all around him. At the same time, he felt around his finger and within the vagina what seemed to him to be muscular waves of incredible pleasure. The trunk of the tree arched back and all was suddenly still and silent, like the cosmos had been put on pause, as a watery substance gushed out of every blossom on the tree, drenching both Lex and his brother.
Jimmy stood before his brother, an amazed laugh involuntarily erupting as he looked, dripping wet, at his equally drenched brother, who was paralyzed with surprise, his eyes wide and his mouth agape.
"Well, it appears that you're quite the pro at this, bro. Very ahead of your time. The ladies are gonna like you. My cunt-tree certainly does." He slapped his little brother on the back and went on. "But I think that's enough for today, don't you? We could both use a towel but before that, before heading back to the house, I think we could both use a cigarette."
As they walked away down the path and toward the top of the hill, little Lex kept glancing over his shoulder at the cunt tree. Somehow, it seemed to be smiling his way, and he couldn't help but stare back in wonder to return that warm smile. He kept looking until it was entirely eclipsed by the lush green grass as him and his brother approached the bottom. Once they had skipped from stone to stone on their way back across the river, they climbed the other hill, and near the top of it they both sat down. Jimmy pulled out two Camel wides from the box he had in his pocket. One he placed in his mouth; the other he handed to his brother. Jimmy then lit his brother's before lighting his own, and then patted the kid on the back before taking a drag and breathing out a stream of smoke high into the air.
"I'm proud of you, my little man. Today was your first step towards manhood."
Lex coughed out a cloud, took the cigarette out of his mouth and looked at it curiously before putting it back into his mouth, drawing the life from it again.
After a few peaceful moments of walking and an equally pleasant walk, they entered the house and walked into the living room, where Jimmy smiled one last time at his brother before leaving him for upstairs. Lex then sat cross-legged before the television again, which was still on, and now he found that there was a newswoman on the screen, a newswoman who was passionately speaking about what she described to be a megalomaniacal dictator that was a threat to the country.
Lex looked away from the television and back up the stairs to the door of his brother's room, and after a moment's hesitation, ascended those stairs again and knocked on the door. This time Jimmy opened it, sucking out of a weird-looking pipe, and, after blowing out a cloud of smoke, he asked with a smile, "What's happenin', little man?"
Lex shrugged, looking down for a moment, and then back up into his elder brother's eyes, clearly more than a little embarrassed. "I'm just confused again."
"Well, what is it? Ask away, grasshopper," he replied, laughing softly.
"Well, this angry woman on the television was talking about a megalomaniacal dick-tator and -- "
Upon hearing that, Jimmy had started to climb over the beautiful girl beside him in order to get up from his bed, but she held him back, her hand spread and placed lightly against his chest in protest. "No," she said to Jimmy, "I'll take care of this one," and she got up off the bed herself, walked towards the small boy and then, with her one hand on Lex's shoulder, guided him out the door. And Lex saw his brother's worried look just before she, with her free hand, slowly closed the door behind them and guided little Lex quietly down the stairs.
or, The Timely Tale of a Little Boy and a Cunt-Tree,
another possibly horrible short story
not likely to be read by many
which is brought to you
by the man who goes under the pseudonym of Rewiiired,
and who is otherwise known as Tim.
Unlike many members of the American youth, little Lex did not have a cell phone or an iPOD. He did not have so much as a ten-year-old computer with a quaint and pesky dial-up internet access. His father was a trucker with a gray beard, a beer gut, droll interests and an embarrassingly limited vocabulary. His mother was an overworked waitress. And the closest thing Lex had to a babysitter was the big, sixteen-inch flat-screen television that his intelligent, overworked, emotionally-bankrupt and pathologically narcissistic mother had wasted her hard-earned money on during one of her high-strung, compulsive, consumer rampages so that she could keep up on the mind-numbing, IQ-lowering reality TV and game shows.
On a particular late afternoon the young boy stared at the screen with wide, vein-ridden eyes as the tall and muscular man in fatigues with distance in his eyes screamed at the camera about how he was proud, proud to fight for his country. That he would die for his country. And Lex continued to gaze at and listen attentively to the television quizzically for a moment before turning his little noggin hesitantly to the stairway, then up the stairway, landing his eyes at last on the the door to the room just at the top and to the left, which was just barely in his view. Though it was dark up there, he could see the light spill through into the hallway from beneath the door; over the volume of the television, he could hear music from the 70s drifting down the stairwell.
Finally having made his decision, he got up off the ground, where he had been sitting cross-legged, and climbed up the steps. Once he reached the top, he stood outside the door, on which was tacked a poster. It was composed of images of a fetus and a gravestone, each inside the other, with the headstone white, the fetus black. Tombstone within fetus within tombstone within fetus on and on, smaller and smaller towards infinity. Over the image was purple lettering which read, Agis Quod Adis. Lex stared at it a moment before quietly calling out for his older brother from just outside the door.
"Jimmy? Jimmy?"
The door was cracked open just a touch and as Lex leaned on it, he incidentally pushed it further open; then he deliberately continued to push it open, though slowly, still calling out for his brother in that same loud whisper of his. When the door was open enough, he poked his head in slightly and looked to the right, where the foot of his brother's bed was. His brother lay atop it, head propped up by a pile of pillows at the head of the bed, with his arm wrapped around the half-naked girl who lay beside him.
She is pretty, he thought to himself. With that reddish-blond hair, freckles, and those deep and penetrating green eyes, the look of her was like a sensual massage for his eyes. Smoke bellowed from Jimmy's mouth and through his big, 70's-style sunglasses he looked at his younger brother approvingly.
"What's up, kid?"
In response, Lex found himself involuntarily moving his head further into the room, perking up his ears and looking to the left, towards the stereo, and Jimmy watched as an enlightened look quickly grew on the young boy's face.
Jimmy laughed, nodding his head in approval. "It's Zeppelin, buddy. Cool shit, huh?" He passed the small cigarette to the girl beside him and then sat up and leaned forward, bringing his face closer to his brother. "So what do you need, little Lex?"
Lex turned his head back towards Jimmy and shrugged, kind of shy to ask his question at first. He didn't want to seem dumb, but his curiosity was aching him, so he just came out with it. "What's a cunt tree? The man on the television said it was worth fighting for and dying for, so I figure it must be pretty special. Do you know about cunt trees?"
The girl beside Jimmy touched his shoulder, looking at Jimmy sweetly, and somewhat solemnly, when he turned his face to meet her own. The look on her face was akin to the expression you might find on the face of a person who had just seen an an infant take his first step. Jimmy traded warm smiles with the girl for a moment before turning to look back at his brother.
"Yeah, bro," he said. "Yeah, I do. And I think it's about time we had this talk."
Upon hearing that, Lex stepped back away from the door, arms bent and hands up, palms exposed and fingers outstretched before him, as if he were trying to signal someone to keep away. The horror on his face threw Jimmy into a state of total confusion.
"Whoa," Jimmy replied in a calm, quiet and concerned tone, "What's wrong, buddy?"
"Well," Lex said, swallowing, his voice wavering, "Daddy said that before he started telling me about the birds, bees, flowers and stuff. It was like he was talking in code and it was kinda, I don't know, creepy and awkward."
Jimmy laughed out loud, his grin returning in a flash. "Nothing to worry about, pal. This conversation will be nothing like that, I promise. This is all cool. I'm going to tell you things not many people know, but you've got to keep it a secret. Just between you and me, okay?"
Lex relaxed a bit and shook his head up and down speedily. "Got it."
"Okay," he said, carefully climbing over the girl and stepping off the bed. Turning to her, and just before kissing her on the lips, he whispered sweetly, "This might be awhile, so just hang out here and relax, `kay?"
She nodded knowingly and drew in the smoke from that cigarette, her one eye squinting to dodge the smoke. She looked deep into Lex's eyes and waved to him, her four delicate fingers bending up and down slowly, one after another, seductively, and her thin lips curled into a smile. As Lex watched her in fascination, he couldn't explain it, not even to himself, but something about her in that moment was beautiful. There was something there, something about that image, that made him tingly in a strange way that he was not at all familiar with and left him with an ache, an ache similar to hunger or thirst; the kind of ache that tells you that you desperately need something.
Jimmy walked to the door, opened it wider, patted Lex on the shoulder and guided him away from that sacred vision and towards the stairs, closing the door to his room in the process. "We're gonna take a little walk in the woods out back, okay?"
Lex nodded, and they exited the house out the back. He had not been outside in some time; so long, in fact, that he had almost forgotten how wonderful it was. With the clear blue sky hanging above, broken here and there by a few soft and white clouds, it was a wonderful summer day. The occasional wind was gentle, like a delicate exhale of some invisible mother; it held a soft power, soothing the skin, combing through the hair and sending the leaves high up in the trees clapping softly in a calming kind of chorus as they made their way.
"So," Jimmy finally said, breaking the silence, "Let me ask you something, little brother. Did mom and dad ever tell you how you got here? I mean, blatantly, beyond the whole birds and bees code?"
After considering the question a moment, Lex shrugged. "Mommy told me it had to do with a rest stop in Texas and a guy named Jack Daniels."
"That's not exactly what I meant. I mean about sex."
"Where the wiener goes into the coochie?"
"Where the wiener goes into the coochie, right. Like you and me are boys and Tissa back there is a girl, and we have that thing between our legs but she doesn't. How she has something else and how they can, you know, go together to make something special."
"Like babies."
"Sometimes. But sometimes its just a pleasure you share with someone. And ultimately an orgasm, if you do it right. Ever hear of an orgasm?"
"Yes," he said defensively, "I watch television, ya know."
"Right, right. But do you know about a girl's first time?"
"The hymen and the cherry topping?"
"Cherry popping, bro. But close enough. Anyway, what you probably don't know is that some girls are special. They have something very special hiding behind those wonderful lower lips of theirs and if you're the guy to take their virginity you get to keep that something. Its like a gift or surprise."
"Like the prize at the bottom of a cracker jacks box?"
"A lot like that, yeah, but way cooler."
"What is it?"
"An acorn," Jimmy said, and at that point Lex suddenly stopped walking and looked up at his older brother with a glare. Jimmy was immediately concerned. "What? What's wrong?"
To this question, Lex just rolled his eyes, sighing loudly and throwing his shoulders and arms down at the same time, letting his palms slap against the sides of his legs. "Come on, Jimmy, give me a break. You're trying to fool me."
"No I'm not."
"You're bullshitting me."
Jimmy laughed. "No, really, Lex, I'm not bullshitting you." He grabbed his little brother's hand. "Now listen, if you ever help a girl lose her virginity -- "
"I'm confused about that part. Do you take a girl's virginity or does she lose it?"
"Well, let's say that she would lose it to you. That make more sense?"
"I think so," he said. "So you take a girl's virginity, so she lost it to you, so now you're the virgin, right?"
"No. You don't gain virginity by taking it from a girl."
"Is that because the cherry popped? The virginity's not any good anymore? It goes sour or is expired or something?"
"Yes, something like that. The cherry is popped. The virginity is gone."
"So why would you take it?"
"We'll get to that, but look, let's stay on track, Lex. This is important."
"Okay. So, the acorn."
"Yeah, if you ever, well, if the first time a girl ever has sex is when she's having sex with you, pay attention, because afterward you might see an acorn fall out of her vagina. Take it. Try not to let her see it or see you take it, too; just quickly stuff it in your pocket or something. It will be bloody, but deal with it."
"Eeew."
"No, it's okay. It's safe. Just think of the blood as the guts of the busted cherry. Anyway, as soon as you can take the acorn to a special spot in the woods, a faraway place where no one will get at it, and dig a hole there with your bare hands and bury it. Make sure it has sunlight. Be sure to water it, too. And don't touch it until it's eighteen years of age."
He looked at his brother with a raised eyebrow and almost shouted, "Eighteen years?"
"In tree years. Chill out. It equals out to about two weeks in human time."
"Okay. I still think your bullshitting me, though."
"Oh, I'm not, little bro. I swear to you. I have a cunt tree myself and I can say with certainty that I would fight and die for my cunt tree just like the man on the TV said he would, for it is simply the coolest thing in the world."
"Can I see it?"
He looked down at his brother and laughed, gripping more tightly on his hands. "Hell yeah. That's why we're here, buddy. That's where we're going. To the secret bald spot where my cunt tree awaits us."
"Neat-o."
They went down a hill and skipped from stone to stone over a large stream, and when they got to the other side their was a path of dirt cut into the grass lined on both sides with stones and it traveled upward, over a large, grassy hill. Just as they got across the river and onto the bottom of that path, Jimmy crouched down to get at eye level with his young brother and held both his hands.
"Okay, listen up, because it's right over that hill, okay? What I want you to do is go up the path. I'll be right behind you. But listen, the cunt tree may appear strange at first, perhaps even frightening, but I promise you if you let yourself have the right kind of eyes you will see the beauty of it and when you know the secrets it will give your life depths and heights that you have never before been able to so much as scarcely imagine."
Seeing the sincerity in his older brothers eyes, Lex nodded. Jimmy smiled, put his hands atop the boys head and ruffled his shaggy hair, laughing a bit. "Don't be scared pal," he pointed up the path. "You ready?"
Lex took a moment, breathed deep as if to gather his strength, and looked his brother in the eyes again before nodding.
"Ready."
And so he tread up that path, one wary foot after the other, with his older brother just behind him. As he climbed up that hill, it could have been his imagination but the sun seemed to come out in all of it's glory, the world seemed to become brighter, colors more vivid, fragrances more pronounced, reality somehow more real. And at the top of the hill, there it was.
Lex's mouth fell open he was so struck by the bizarre beauty of the tree. It had thick, winding roots that slithered deep into the earth. The trunk of the tree almost looked as if it was composed of two trunks wedded together, appearing as two legs held together tightly at the knees and then twisting, as if a beautiful woman you had been walking behind had suddenly stopped and turned the top half of her body to glance behind her. The trunk of the tree got wider towards the top, but the tree was full of nothing but elegant, graceful curves from top to bottom. The branches were hardly visible beneath the lush leaves and flowers that sprouted from them, and they were spread all about the top of the tree, and the bustling branches also leaned downward, as if to be in easy reach to those close to the ground. As Lex approached the tree, with Jimmy now right beside him, he saw that the flowers were not like ordinary flowers. Carefully, and oh-so gently, Jimmy cupped one hand beneath one of the flowers and held it at an angle where his little brother could see it up close.
"Now," Jimmy began, "you see these sort of pedals here? The ones within the flower?"
"Sure. They look like lips, kinda."
"Yeah, these are just like the lower lips you find on a woman, and it's called the labia. The outer part of it is the labia majora. This inner part -- this thin part here? This is the labia minora."
"If it has lips, can the vagina talk?"
"No, but it can make noises. Though usually only squishy or farting noises."
"Oh. Gross."
"Now, this hole, the central part here, this is the actual vagina, or the vaginal doorway, you could say. The hymen is this thin membrane that covers or surrounds this hole, and in some cases it doesn't stretch easily the first time a penis enters it. As a result it can tear, and when it tears it can bleed. And this, my little brother, is what they mean when they talk about 'popping the cherry'."
"Oh," he said, nodding. "I get it now. Eew."
"And the vagina hole is cool and all, as you can see, but don't develop tunnel vision, okay? Don't make that mistake, as it is by no means the most interesting, important and useful part of the whole flower here."
"Okay."
"Now, if you look on top of the vaginal cave opening here, traveling across this space called the vestibule, you find this here, which is another hole. This one is called the urethra. This is what a girl pees out of."
"Then don't aim it at me," Lex said, holding up his hand and looking away.
"Sorry, bro," he laughed, realigning the flower. "Anyway, this pee hole, it looks cool and all, sure, but not nearly as cool as this part here. This may very well be the coolest part of all. I would say hands down the coolest part." Jimmy took a moment, sticking his index finger, then another, into the vaginal hole, then working his way around it, touching it lightly, roughly, varying in intensity, outlining the lips with his fingers. Lex thought it might have been his imagination, but he thought the tree trembled for a moment. Then Jimmy held the flower close to Lex again, where he could see it clearly. "Okay, now, you see this small lump of tissue here, above the urethra, just above where both sides of the inner part of the labia meet at the tippy-top? Right under this sort of pocket or hood here?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I see it."
"That's the clitoris, or clit. The little man in the boat, some of have called it. Think of this clit as a sort of button. And if you master the art of using this button, my young Jedi, you have it made."
"What does the button do? Is it like the button they say the president can push to make the atom bombs explode and cause the apocalypse?"
"No, though in a sense, it can cause an incredible explosion, but not a destructive one. And it can cause an apocalypse, too, but not in the sense of a doomsday or catastrophe, only in the sense of the true meaning of the word apocalypse. Do you know what that word really means?"
"It means to reveal something."
"Exactly. I knew you were a smart kid. Well, this button, if you learn how to use it right, can cause just such a revelation spill across the face, body, mind and soul of a girl, and can consequently cause quite a revelation to come upon you."
"What's this hole here, at the bottom of the flower?"
"That's the anus. The pooper. I've never been one for that hole and I don't suppose that it needs much explaining."
"No. I am an expert on pooping."
"Aren't we all? Anyway, you see this area extending between the vagina and the anus? That's what they call the perineum. Some also call it the taint, as t'ain't the pussy or the asshole -- get it? -- and some call it the guiche or the grundle."
"Okay."
"But there is this muscle that stretches across the vagina and the asshole, surrounding them both in this figure-eight fashion, and this muscle is very important. It's called the Pubococcygeus muscle."
"The pee-yoo-whatsie?"
"It's pronounced pyoo-bo-cocksee-gee-us, but you can just call it the PC muscle, because Pubococcygeus is hard to remember and sort of a bitch to say. Regardless, it's the muscle both men and women feel contracting during orgasm and what a guy feels when he ejaculates."
"When he ejacto-whats?"
"Its when you spew goo from your penis, which I don't imagine has happened to you yet, so let's take another angle. You ever stop peeing before you're done? Like, you're pissing but then you just stop the steady flow of the pee?"
"Yeah."
"Well, the muscle you use to do that is the PC. Like any muscle, you can strengthen it through exercise -- kegel exercises, they're called. You first identify the muscle through stopping the pee, as I explained; women can stick their finger in their vagina and clench. Once you've located it, just clench while not peeing, doing ten reps or so a day. But don't do it while you piss too often because it can cause problems."
"What does it do?"
"If you do the exercises correctly? Well, it can increase orgasm in both men and women and help in control of sexual performance. A guy can learn to hold off, for instance, and extend the sex. Some eastern-borne religions and spiritual practices -- the sum of which are usually referred to by us Westerners as Tantra, though in actuality Tantra extends beyond sex -- believe that you can use exercises like the kegel to control your libido or sexual energy and allow it to ascend up your body, opening your higher, spiritual energy centers. In the process, you can develop psychic abilities and become enlightened and all that jazz."
"Neat."
"And on the more earthly-plane side of things it's also important to note that a girl who knows how to use her PC muscle can, among other things, squeeze your penis while you're inside her."
"Eek. Does it hurt?"
"No, no, I assure you, it feels very nice. Here stick your finger in here, in the vagina hole." Jimmy guided his brother by the wrist a bit but then let go, as the boy seemed to know what he was doing. He put his finger directly into the vagina and bounced a bit with surprise when it clenched.
The boy giggled. "Cool. They're like little hugs from the inside."
"Exactly. Now, some girls can just clench or hug with their PCs, like this little taco-blossom here, but other girls can actually isolate the muscles, which allow them to pretty much 'milk' your penis from inside their vagina. And that, my boy? That is particularly amazing and wonderful."
The little boy took out his finger and then, with some caution, sniffed it. "It smells nice."
"It smells much nicer when you master the art. You get the happy juices. Now, let's get back to the clit, shall we? This button, so far as we can tell, is unique, some claim, in that it exists solely for the purpose of sexual enjoyment. Though the mushroom tip on a man's penis is quite sensitive, a woman's clit allegedly has two times the amount of nerve endings. So it's quite the button."
Lex was listening to him, but he had stuck his finger back in the blossom, exploring it's insides, moving his index finger around in different motions and at different intensities, moving it in and out, working around the outside of it, and finally making his way towards the engorged clitoris. He could have been mistaken, but he thought he felt the tree shudder and let out a high-pitched moan; this stopped him for a second, but he assured himself it was the wind and began fingering the blossom again, this time so lost in the moment he hardly heard his elder brother, who was, at this point, quite high on the information he was bestowing upon the youth.
"About once a month, this tree, like women, has what some like to call a little visitor. At first when you see it happen with this tree it can appear very frightening. I know it frightened me when I first saw it, though I have come to respect it. I call it the red rains. This is when the flowers drip menstrual blood, which is good for the soil, for it makes great fertilizer. So it's good for the tree, see? It is, to some degree, quite the self-maintaining tree."
After Lex began to tease the clit with a little approach and retreat, he felt as the tree suddenly shook like an earthquake was occurring; little Lex could literally feel the earth move as the roots of the tree deep down in the soil seemed to wriggle with delight and delightful moans and sighs seemed to come at him from all around him. At the same time, he felt around his finger and within the vagina what seemed to him to be muscular waves of incredible pleasure. The trunk of the tree arched back and all was suddenly still and silent, like the cosmos had been put on pause, as a watery substance gushed out of every blossom on the tree, drenching both Lex and his brother.
Jimmy stood before his brother, an amazed laugh involuntarily erupting as he looked, dripping wet, at his equally drenched brother, who was paralyzed with surprise, his eyes wide and his mouth agape.
"Well, it appears that you're quite the pro at this, bro. Very ahead of your time. The ladies are gonna like you. My cunt-tree certainly does." He slapped his little brother on the back and went on. "But I think that's enough for today, don't you? We could both use a towel but before that, before heading back to the house, I think we could both use a cigarette."
As they walked away down the path and toward the top of the hill, little Lex kept glancing over his shoulder at the cunt tree. Somehow, it seemed to be smiling his way, and he couldn't help but stare back in wonder to return that warm smile. He kept looking until it was entirely eclipsed by the lush green grass as him and his brother approached the bottom. Once they had skipped from stone to stone on their way back across the river, they climbed the other hill, and near the top of it they both sat down. Jimmy pulled out two Camel wides from the box he had in his pocket. One he placed in his mouth; the other he handed to his brother. Jimmy then lit his brother's before lighting his own, and then patted the kid on the back before taking a drag and breathing out a stream of smoke high into the air.
"I'm proud of you, my little man. Today was your first step towards manhood."
Lex coughed out a cloud, took the cigarette out of his mouth and looked at it curiously before putting it back into his mouth, drawing the life from it again.
After a few peaceful moments of walking and an equally pleasant walk, they entered the house and walked into the living room, where Jimmy smiled one last time at his brother before leaving him for upstairs. Lex then sat cross-legged before the television again, which was still on, and now he found that there was a newswoman on the screen, a newswoman who was passionately speaking about what she described to be a megalomaniacal dictator that was a threat to the country.
Lex looked away from the television and back up the stairs to the door of his brother's room, and after a moment's hesitation, ascended those stairs again and knocked on the door. This time Jimmy opened it, sucking out of a weird-looking pipe, and, after blowing out a cloud of smoke, he asked with a smile, "What's happenin', little man?"
Lex shrugged, looking down for a moment, and then back up into his elder brother's eyes, clearly more than a little embarrassed. "I'm just confused again."
"Well, what is it? Ask away, grasshopper," he replied, laughing softly.
"Well, this angry woman on the television was talking about a megalomaniacal dick-tator and -- "
Upon hearing that, Jimmy had started to climb over the beautiful girl beside him in order to get up from his bed, but she held him back, her hand spread and placed lightly against his chest in protest. "No," she said to Jimmy, "I'll take care of this one," and she got up off the bed herself, walked towards the small boy and then, with her one hand on Lex's shoulder, guided him out the door. And Lex saw his brother's worried look just before she, with her free hand, slowly closed the door behind them and guided little Lex quietly down the stairs.
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