• MDMA &
    Empathogenic
    Drugs

    Welcome Guest!

The Agony of the Ecstasy.

G

GrabHold

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 11, 2007
Messages
79
Long but worth the read if you want honesty from someone who has been there.

A little background for you:

First I'm 34, White, Male, Married (13 years), A Veteran, A Father, College Educated and consider myself an "outside of the box" type of thinker.

I first tried ecstasy in 2000. I took 1 pill (I think it had a Mitsubishi logo on it) and couldn't believe I could feel so "good" and for so long. Everything had a friendly "glow" to it and any tacticle senstation was simply amazing. I wasn't "tripping" as I am more than familiar with LSD as I had experimented with it, and pot, a long time ago. I wished I had found MDMA years ago. I thought I found my new best friend...

Flash forward to the winter of 2005... I was rolling every weekend at this point, sometimes on Wednesdays "to take the edge off of the week". I was taking between 3 and 10 pills over the course of the weekend, every weekend, for nearly four years. My experiences were lasting shorter and shorter, which is why I had to up my dosage regularaly.

I knew it was time to take a break. My body was starting to break down on me. I couldn't sleep, I didn't want to eat in fact I didn't want to do anything but roll.

I quit cold turkey, but the years of abuse wheren't about to clear up overnight. In fact four months later, when I continued to spiral down (I tried to stay positive and avoid situations that would remind me of the "good times"). Now when I say spiral down let me paint you a picture of what I mean...

--Imagine an existence where there is no happiness, no solitude and paranoia that was so bad I couldn't funtion any longer at my job. It got so bad one night I vaguely remember jumping up an down on my bed (yep - I'm a grown man mind you...), at 2:00 in the morning yelling at my wife calling her a cheating whore. She woke up to this. And why you ask, I was looking at porn on the web and notice the women looked almost exactly like my wife.--

We both agreed that I needed professional help to get through this so I went to meet with a therapist. My thoughts were so jumbled, I hadn't really slept in months, I was weighing about 165lbs (I'm 6'2"), I was completely paranoid about everything and, my perception at the time, was that I couldn't trust anyone. Including my therapist.

I stayed with this therapist (no prescriptions yet) for about two months, to no avail until one special night that I will consider my rock bottom. I couldn't stand the "suffering" anymore and decided to pick up a bottle of Scotch and tried to drink myself to death (it was a half gallon). Nope, that didn't kill me. But I almost killed my wife. Apparently in my drunken stupor I kicked my wife in the ass and sent her flying down stairs (could have killed her) while shouting obscenitites (within hearing range of my precious son). I know - what an asshole I had become. If you knew me personally you would think I was lying to you about all of this. I thought she was lying about it when she, and my parents whom she called, hysterically, in the middle of the night to come down and help (from a different state - they drove 4 hours). So, when I came to, the evening of the next day we all decided I needed more help.

That's when I had myself commited for observation. During my wonderful stay, at a state hospital, with some seriously demented individuals I told myself I could get through this. I met with a new therapist and we decided that medication was worth a shot here. I was prescribed some very powerful anti-psycotics (to basically treat symptoms of schizophrenia) and some anti-depressents which I am still on to this day. I was able to cut the anti-psycotics out of my life, about two months ago, and am very happy about that.

Life is still a battle for me. I still feel paranoid most of the time and regret alot of decisions I made while "feeling good" on ecstasy. I have a hard time concentrating unless I am REALLY interested in the topic. My thoughts are scattered and I lose track of appointments and time in general. To cope with the new me, I now have to write everything down so I won't be late to important engagements. I can't even go grocery shopping without a list anymore... I know depressing isn't it.

------

Okay, now here's the good news. I am alive, I have a wonderful and supportive wife and a child that doesn't recall any of my past verbal abuse towards him or my wife / his mother. I have a generally optimistic outlook on life again (thank you anti-depressents) and am slowly putting my life back together again.

If you have read this post, entirely, than you either have to much time on your hands or you are looking for help.

My id / handle / username is GrabHold. I chose that name because if it weren't for people that threw me a life line when I needed it the most I probably would not be here to write this today. So I am returning the favor to anyone that can use my wisdom and needs support to quit!

-----

Life really is like a box of chocolates - eat one and you're probably going to be okay - eat the whole box and you have a problem. Admitting that there is a problem is the first step in solving a problem.

Thank you for reading. I wish you all the best. Just remember, sampling the chocolates, occasionally, is okay in my book. Just don't eat all of them every chance you get.
 
Thanks Tenchi!

I do realize that this site appears to be pro-drug but I think it's important for people to hear both sides of an argument.

Three years ago I would have been the one posting about how great Ecstasy is. But given what I now know, I wish I had tried it the once and left it alone.

The funny thing is that people will tell you to, "incorporate what you learn, while rolling, into your everyday lives". I think that is good advice if you are rolling with a therapist that can guide the experience. AND CAN REMEMBER the experiences you have. Sure I did for a while, now my life is a blur and so are the experiences. As of today, I can tell you that either:

A. The few times I tried LSD
B. The many times I smoked Pot
C. The total abuse of Ecstasy

Destroys your memory - sadly, your past memories are gone and your future potential appears to be damaged. I will post more about this as time goes.

Thanks again for reading!

GrabHold
 
The site itself is centred more around harm reduction, but it is interesting to hear and read things from both sides. I'm a light recreational user of MDMA and LSD, and I've made sure I have clear boundries to my usage.

Welcome to Bluelight :)
 
You brought up an excellent point - "setting boundaries".

I did have boundaries set in the beginning - trust me on that.

The boundaries I set, as time went on, became adjustable and then non-existent all together.

I had never had a history of drug or alcohol abuse so I thought I was good to go. I was wrong.

I hope your mileage will vary!

:)
 
I've managed to hold my boundaries fairly well so far, started using MDMA in January 2005, so that's 2 and a half years so far with no shifting in the rules set for myself. Obviously time will tell as to whether anything changes, but I do think that your story should serve well as a lesson to anybody who is chronically abusing MDMA.
 
I had a time where abusing MDMA and methamp was hard to resist (in fact it seemed impossible to not use both every weekend where the weekend started wednesday or latest thursday). I passed through that time and then with the help of a few profound sessions with mushrooms realized the futility of my MDMA usage and stopped. Then I totally stopped using psychedelics in light of joining a zen buddhist center and devoting my time to a meditation practice.

Now that I use DMT, DPT, and psilocin semi-regularly again I could never dream of abusing MDMA (or really even ever using it again). Its an OK drug as far as drugs go...but it seemed to me a fault of my immaturity at the time to abuse it. You get nothing positive out of abuse of MDMA and a whole lot of negative (as everybody who has abused it will tell you).

To the original poster, it seems like you are still working on your thoughts and feelings about this, which is good way to integrate this phase of your life in a healthy way. Might I suggest a meditation practice to you?

peace and love
 
hi grabhold. glad to hear your are on the mend to getting better. it's a hard palce you've been in. One of my very closest friends started like you but took it a bit further. He was very much over the top and lost all sence of reality. He lost everything including his life over E. Here's the thread I wrote about it (under a differenet user name). Give it a read, and remember never to get back to the place you were before.

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=217706

good luck to you!
 
Hello everyone and thank you for your kind words of encouragment.

nightfun - I haven't read the post about your friend yet but let me say I am sorry for your and your friends families loss.

I think one important piece of information was lost in my original posting.

My "rock bottom" was during the Winter of 05 / 06!

I have been drug free for 1 and 1/2 years! Not a few weeks or months and I am still trying to put my life back together.

Ecstasy is a very serious and obviously mind-altering drug so PLEASE, PLEASE Do NOT Overuse it like I did. I don't want anyone to have to endure what me and my family had to endure.
 
That was a good read, about a very serious experience. Thanks for sharing.

I went a little way down that road myself, and (like you) found anti-depressants to be a great help.

In moderation, ecstasy can be a great drug, but weekly use definitely has the potential to cause some serious harm.
 
Well written and interesting read.

In your second post you indicated you felt this site was pro drugs. I disagree but suggest it is pro helping people to become educated about drugs.



Can I ask what other drugs you were doing during the 2000-now period and how much? Thanks.


Oh and I edited your title as the must read bit is not really necessary.
 
Powerful post for sure.

Personally I don't understand how people can take MDMA at the usage levels you describe. I found that when I took E every 2 weeks over a period of two months, the negative effects began to far outweigh the positives.

Really, a few hours of feeling wonderful just isn't worth weeks of paranoia, depression, and scattered thinking.

That said, I think that occasional use can be both fun and helpful. But the experience becomes hollow and superficial if had to often I find.

Sorry if this post seems kind of scattered/off topic.

To MazDan. I have to disagree with you on the subject of this site not being pro-drug. While it certainly doesn't advocate unsafe usage, most people on here have close, if complicated, relationships with various substances, and probably support the use of drugs, at least in certain contexts.
 
I am also quite glad that you have turned your life around. No one should ever "get high to live" and anyone who finds that drugs completely consume their life really need to start taking a look at their lives. I know it's easier said than done, but sometimes the right path to choose is not the easiest path to walk down.

Moderation and safety should always be a priority, you are only given one body and mind in this life, treat them well. Mdma can be a beautiful drug and it can change a person for the better, but the problem mdma is that it will abuse you just as quickly as you abuse it.

Again, I am truly glad that you have gotten your life together and you are making progress. I'm also glad that you found our community here, there are a lot of people who can relate to your experiences. If you ever need to talk please remember that we are here.

Welcome to bluelight. :)
 
At best it's because I'm in afterglow
either that you're that you're a decade older, and have a child

YOU DESERVE IT.

(I eat the box along with hot pepper.) 8)

ps. I spoke while x'ing just yesterday, actually, about how I hate "The Agony of the Ecstasy." since its been so over used, as title, for so many shitty reads...
so maybe have some sort of excuse for this reply.

Don't forget d: suicide by scotch
 
Last edited:
Great post GrabHold, always important to hear some of the darker stories with Ecstasy.
 
yuppu-

What are you trying to say here? Your thoughts appear to be unorganized and don't make any sense to me.

If you were trying to be being positive then, thank you!

If you're being negative by your comment - "YOU DESERVE IT"
Than all I can say is, okay? I guess you're right? Nobody forced me to do anything and that is exactly my point. I never had a history of drug abuse so I thought I was safe. I was wrong. Ecstasy is very powerful and dangerous. Be careful with it bud!

Just remember the basic law of gravity here. What goes up...

Well, I was, up, for years. Now I've been down, for years! I hope no permenant damage was done but given my poor memory (short term and long term), and constant paranoia I can only hope at this point that the poor decisions I made are reversible.

Thanks for reading and for your post.
 
And to all...

I've had to entertain the question of, "How could you do so much and so often?".

Look at it this way. I was working as a Sr. Network Engineer and was earning 75K (USD) per year during the time in question. I simply had a ton of money burning a hole in my pocket everyweek and had the desire to "feel good" all the time. That is a bad combination if you don't temper that desire with responsibility.

Also, my "Terrible Tuesdays" were never that bad, until the last year. That's why I thought I could handle the level of usage I chose.

I could function at work and at home (for the first few years anyways). My problem was that I never stuck to my original plan of using only once every couple months (like I did that first year).

I kept using more and more and more frequently until my world spun out of control.

Wisdom is sometimes earned at a very expensive price.

GrabHold
 
Hi there,

I imagine that your post is in response to this thread?

Thank you for sharing, I'm glad you're better and most importantly have the support of a loving family. As Mazdan said, this site is not pro-drugs, stories like yours are always welcome to provide a balance and remind us of the sort of harms drugs can cause.

Take care :)
 
A very open and honest posting. Glad to hear things are on the mend for you. I certainly take your advice to heart, and relate this to most things in life: Everything in Moderation.

S.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top