The Adderall downward spiral.

[funnynighty]

I've been taking adderall on and off for 4 years. For the first 3 and a half years my usage was "normal" I would say. I wouldn't take more than 30 mg a day. I don't know wtf happened. These past six months it's like I'm spiraling out of control. I take over 100 mg most days. I do nothing but look on my phone for hours and hours and hours (I was actually supposed to have cleaned my nasty house yesterday). Ha, 20 hours later and I only swept my living room and mopped it.

My muscles are wasting away. My face is breaking out. My eyebrows and hair is falling out. I was around 190 pounds less than two months ago. Now I'm 165. My body hurts I don't eat. I drink a 20 oz red bull most days and that's it. Can this honestly kill me?

I went through 70 30mgs in two weeks last month. I sent myself into a psychotic state and cussed two friends of mine out. One of which I accused of sleeping with my husband. I bashed his computer, almost hit him with my car, I even called the police and made a false claim on him. Which thank god they were understanding when I went to talk to them afterwards and it was dismissed and I didn't have any legal problems.

It's so embarrassing, and I'm so angry at myself for doing this to myself. My own father died at 29 from a drug addiction. I've been thinking about meth a lot recently because it run out of my prescription in less than two weeks, even my prescription and getting some from other people it's not enough. The days I'm not taking it I sleep. I sleep for hours and hours. I'm so pathetic.

I have two young kids that need their mom and I'm so selfish that I don't stop. I tell myself this month will be different and I'll take how much I'm supposed to. The first day I screw that up. I look at pictures from before this, and it's almost unbearable. I see actual hope and happiness in my eyes. Now I just see pain and despair.

I can't go to rehab because I'm in a healthcare program in college. I'm half way through. Maybe this is what triggered the downward spiral because of the demands on me now. Point is years, months, days keep passing and I tell myself I'm going to change and stop, but I don't. Right now my throat feels like it is closing up and it's harder to breathe than normal.

Do people die from adderall abuse? I want to go back to the happy me. I want to be that person that has feelings and cares.

 

[_DankOpiAmp_]

Back in the old days with Benzedrine and Dexedrine when it was more freely available and you could get essentially unlimited amounts people would only die after a couple decades due to heart failure. It is possible to have a heart attack if you do the stay up for "5 days then sleep on weekends" thing for months on end.

You would be surprised how far you can go, honestly. I don't recommend you try and find out however. Actually dying shouldn't be the greatest concern. If you are on it long enough you could be feeling a drawn out depression once you stop that makes PAWS seem like pussy play. Try stopping for a good two weeks and see were you are at. It will help you catch up on your prescription. Meth will intensify the good and the bad but you can dig yourself a lot deeper.

 

[herbavore]

I think you need to get off it altogether, as hard a choice as that may seem. The symptoms of ADD are going to feel like a walk in the park compared to what you are suffering on this prescription. I have ADD--my life often looks like a sitcom from the outside I'm sure but that is far better than a tragedy, right? You are a mom and it sounds like you love your husband--take care of yourself and your family by getting some help to get off this. Start by being honest with your doctor about what your usage has become and that you are no longer in control of it. It will take courage and patience and faith but what is at stake is your life, not to mention the lives of your children.

 

[ad lib]

i think it would be in your best interest to get off the drugs. it is obviously interfering with your life and having a negative impact. It is affecting you physically and emotionally. The biggest point that i took from your post is that you want to get off of the drugs. if you want to, go for it. you don't need to go to detox/rehab if you do not feel comfortable doing so, but it is an option that you have. you can try to taper off of this and kick it yourself. but it's hard once you're addicted to a substance. you want to give yourself and your children a great future.

also, what concerns me is that your throat was closing up and you felt like you could not breathe. have you since gotten medical treatment for that? it sounds like an allergic reaction. allergies can develop in you overtime.

let us know how you're doing

 

[funnynighty]

I went to the doctor for what I thought was pneumonia. I have asthma so that explains the throat thing. I'm still not sober and I haven't made an attempt to try. I'm done with school for a few months so I have time to put into therapy/trying to get clean. Tomorrow I plan on going to a counselor. Honestly, I'm scare though. It's so stupid but I'm afraid if I go and I am honest about everything they'll tell someone and my kids will get taken away or I won't be able to finish school. I have to do this though. The past two weeks have been so bad. I haven't been eating hardly anything at all, so moving around hurts. However, I passed my final, ha. I have come to the realization that I've been using drugs to not feel anything because when I'm sober I have to actually deal with negative thoughts or things that happen. I guess I'm about to go to bed. I'll update after my session.

 

[coelophysis]

That's weird. It sounds like maybe you are allergic or something.
Amphetamines always wipe away any asthma symptoms for me.

 

[Allein]

^^ I'd agree with that, I suffered Asthma acutely as a child and do occasionally get a tight chest with a cold so I know the symptoms and amphetamines always clear my chest and improve my breathing, whilst on them. That said I'm sure they do your immune system no good so the short term effects may well get followed up by other more random complications.

As someone trying to rids myself of the long term habitual use of amphetamines in various forms I'm more concerned with my mental well being, I accept it's not doing my physical health any good either but IME mental illness is almost always the first thing to cause significant problems with this type of drug.

Forming the cycle of using and then needing to use to get stuff done, 'shit it's 3am and I've no chance of sleep so I'll just dose up and ride another day out' is familiar territory and all to easy to fall into. Breaking free of that is the first step and the worst of that is over within a week or so, longer term is more difficult to predict, personally I fall back in partly out of hedonism and partly out of being unhappy (at least that's my view of things ATM).

If you can break the cycle of constantly using for a couple of weeks you may gain a better perspective on your situation and reasons for using, in the midst of use it's unlikely your going to be able to start to reason anything out.

All my best wishes for making some progress

 

[Burnt Offerings]

Don't go down the meth rabbit hole, trust me.