I'm new on here. Funny how I found TDS: I was looking up lethal drug combinations and stumbled upon a thread. The truth is, I have been thinking about suicide for awhile now. I have actually tried it over the span of 20 years; several times and several different ways. But for some strange reason, NOTHING has worked. I thought I had gotten better. I found a wonderful partner and we had a great relationship. I mean sure we had our occasional problems but we were good. We were almost three years strong and then the problems started getting worse. Her mother got sick and died. The arguments became petty. Nothing I did was ever good enough. I was working a late shift and going to school then coming home to deal with a disabled 11 year old, a 3 year old, a 75 pound dog, AND a depressed girlfriend. We had just moved into the house her mother left her and it needed alot of work. I generated way more income than my girlfriend so I felt like i had to pay the majority of the bills. I got tired. I got moody. I didn't want to be the maid and the chef after a 12 hour shift. I tried to explain how I felt but she was so deep in her depression that I had to be strong for her. So I found someone I could talk to about my issues. Then I made the ultimate impulsive decision and had an affair. She found out and our relationship ended. I was and am still devastated. I want her back but she sees me completely different. She is trying to work through it but she reminds me regularly how I hurt her and then she starts beating me down emotionally. I told her that I want to end my life and a few times she has actually tried to stop me. She actually witnessed the last attempt. I took a super pharm drug combo(I'm talking complete bottles of about 8 different medications), topped it off with a ridiculous amount of cocaine, and alcohol and all it made me do was sleep for about 9 hours. Now she doesn't even care when I tell her. So anyway, today was a day that I was reminded of the terrible person I am. On top of that, my son had to go to the hospital today. So I'm feeling pretty fucked up right now. I really wish I could just end it all now but I know that any attempt is useless. So I'm pissed because I feel like I am being forced to live and that's not fair. I don't have anyone to talk to because my mother was killed 5 years ago. So whenever I find the right combination of drugs, I'm outta here.