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Recovery The 2023 Recovery Thread

yeah compulsively dosing benzodiazepines to get the euphoria you so desperately desire is all out the window. it’s fucked.


woke up this morning and talked to a friend over the phone, a bath, and just enjoyed my morning. still freezing cold and sleepy even with coffee so might go back to sleep. who knows

Glad to hear you're doing better @tokayeahok .
For many years i loved the feeling benzos gave me. That invincible feeling. The sketetal muscle relaxation. The confidence they give you.. but it's all fake. The reality of it (for me anyway) is heavily impaired decision making, which often causes me to relapse on other drugs. Anything beyond say 40mg diazepam type doses is just blackout aswell, i'll come to and i've eaten the whole lot with no recollection. Usually involves falling out with friends and family too. I've had more problems with valium than any other drug i've taken when it comes to my own behavior. It's like that invincible feeling just makes you not give a fuck. And you do so many things you wouldn't usually. Then mass anxiety returns when you sober up and realise everything you've done. So not worth it really.

Over 2 weeks sober again here. Smoked a bit of weed one night in the past 14 days, didn't really enjoy it that much. That was it.

Getting back to actually enjoying the sobriety now. And enjoying working out/eating healthy. It's been a battle trying to get sober but i think now i'm at that point i recognise there is very little benefit to taking any drugs for someone like me. It will most likely just be a problem i will later come to regret. As such you have to really seek pleasure in other areas of life.
 
Depends on the benzo's and opiates, and the quantity and tolerance. I was on two prescribed opiates for years( oxycodone and morphine,(Therapeutic doses) along with Ativan(2 mg, largest dose per pill of Lorazepam) but the opiates were no where near as strong as Fent and benzo's not as dangerous as Xanax( the ones you described are much more powerful). You may have also had a reset of tolerance, ( you were staying sober) that is how so many former addicts die. I'm glad you didn't join the 27 club. You said birthday was the 7th and aren't you 27, for a few hours anyways? I know you ain't a famous musician, but it would have been a trillion times worse. I don't know any or care about them. Be careful, next time try to find something not as strong and mixing with benzo's, is not for those whose tolerance may be down. Besides I doubt it was 1 MG of xanax( maximum usually perscribed) and Xanax is a killer( elgoucho 9) is right about them being strong. My doctor wouldn't give me Xanax. 10mg Valium not an issue, to help me get off Ativan, which doesn't seem to interact as severely as other benzo's with opiods( I never know what to call them.) Opiates or Opiods. Eh, but hay maybe you can spend your birthday at the dentist. Sorry, I am so glad you ain't a statistic. PLEASE BE MORE CAREFUL. Good luck
yes yes i know both can be prescribed safely but we’re talking illicit carfent here… which is a big no no. my critical thinking skills drops inherently horribly, as they do with anyone on high dose benzos. i made a mistake and i made it through. i just couldn’t tolerate the tooth pain any longer and i thought i could get away with it…
 
going on my walk now, going to talk to my granny as i always do on my walks. starting to feel a little better in terms of guilt and shame and i’m not letting it discount my days sober. it’s a lapse not a relapse, and i’m not restarting days. if i were to hop back into active addiction then i would but no need to discount the time i earned. it’s all going to be okay.
 
yes yes i know both can be prescribed safely but we’re talking illicit carfent here… which is a big no no. my critical thinking skills drops inherently horribly, as they do with anyone on high dose benzos. i made a mistake and i made it through. i just couldn’t tolerate the tooth pain any longer and i thought i could get away with it…
Did you you say carfent? They use that to tranquilize elephants, it is much more powerful than fent, but for some odd reason not as likely to kill. I read it somewhere. For some reason( Thank you God) I don't fuck around with my scripts. I don't want to piss off( my, doctor. again) and I am scared of running out, so I am model patient when it comes to those. My sister had epilepsy, Money wasn't an issue many years ago and my sister tried everything that various neurologists would give her for her condition. She tried everything, and the results were any where between no help at all, to nearly killing her. My sister was on something else, but mainly it was high doses of Ativan and Valium. The type of doses they only give if nothing works and it is the only option. She had warned me, sort of, that if you take hugh doses that you can blackout and may just keep taking them. My dad controlled her pills. I didn't read her autopsy, there may have been other perscription drugs in her system. They ruled it suicide, but I know her, she was my only sibling and best and only friend. It was an accident, she did love pills, and may have held back and saved some of her regular large doses and maybe other perscription drugs and died by accident. But at high doses, it can cause a blackout and all restraint and reason are gone. Elgoucho9 is so very right about the danger of, recreational benzo use. The memory of my little sister's corpse leaves no question in my mind about that.
 
Tokayeahok, my point was only, very very partially about benzo's and opiates used properly together. I guess I wasn't real clear. My real point was about about large doses of illicit drugs used by people who have been off them awhile and the reset effect killing people. I know you are pissed at me, and I am sorry about that.
You could've died, and a lapse is what has killed so many, that was the main point.

You bitched at me for taking oxy while getting off morphine. I was already on oxy, longer(legally) than morphine and would have taken it anyways. I don't forget about certain things( Oct 29, you can't use a full agonist to get off another. I was already on it )
Reseting the timeline, you said. You use to abuse Xanax but got or kept it for a special occasion?
In recovery, really? Nearly dying, The pain of a toothache and the carfent, I can sort of understand pain and being desperate for it to go away.
But keeping and planning the use( Xanax, when you said you use to abuse it?
 
Tokayeahok, my point was only, very very partially about benzo's and opiates used properly together. I guess I wasn't real clear. My real point was about about large doses of illicit drugs used by people who have been off them awhile and the reset effect killing people. I know you are pissed at me, and I am sorry about that.
You could've died, and a lapse is what has killed so many, that was the main point.

You bitched at me for taking oxy while getting off morphine. I was already on oxy, longer(legally) than morphine and would have taken it anyways. I don't forget about certain things( Oct 29, you can't use a full agonist to get off another. I was already on it )
Reseting the timeline, you said. You use to abuse Xanax but got or kept it for a special occasion?
In recovery, really? Nearly dying, The pain of a toothache and the carfent, I can sort of understand pain and being desperate for it to go away.
But keeping and planning the use( Xanax, when you said you use to abuse it?
oh man that must’ve been a huge misunderstanding, im not pissed at you nor have ANY ill feelings towards you, so please don’t think that.


and i suppose you have a point but i don’t personally believe in abstinence based recovery. if i want to take a xanax to sleep at night once a month, or take MDMA at a dance, or do some ketamine here & there, i personally think i’m okay as long as i’m not doing opiates.


we mess up, @Jnowhere, and i’ve held myself accountable already, and i personally didn’t think i’d get any backlash. i’m not restarting my days. i have no one to apologize to except to myself and psyche for using fentanyl under the influence of xanax, considering the lowered inhibitions it causes. thanks for your concern though man, seriously. i know it’s hard to try to sorta navigate emotions and feelings and intent purely through text, but no, i’m not inherently pissed at you in the slightest man.


sometimes the people with the best advice even fuck go and have a problem following it. we’re only human
 
Tokayeahok, my point was only, very very partially about benzo's and opiates used properly together. I guess I wasn't real clear. My real point was about about large doses of illicit drugs used by people who have been off them awhile and the reset effect killing people. I know you are pissed at me, and I am sorry about that.
You could've died, and a lapse is what has killed so many, that was the main point.

You bitched at me for taking oxy while getting off morphine. I was already on oxy, longer(legally) than morphine and would have taken it anyways. I don't forget about certain things( Oct 29, you can't use a full agonist to get off another. I was already on it )
Reseting the timeline, you said. You use to abuse Xanax but got or kept it for a special occasion?
In recovery, really? Nearly dying, The pain of a toothache and the carfent, I can sort of understand pain and being desperate for it to go away.
But keeping and planning the use( Xanax, when you said you use to abuse it?
and i didn’t ‘bitch’ at you, i was just explaining oxy would extend the timeline considering it’s another full-agonist opioid and was trying to be informative, not bitch at you man.
 
and i didn’t ‘bitch’ at you, i was just explaining oxy would extend the timeline considering it’s another full-agonist opioid and was trying to be informative, not bitch at you man.
Ok, but there is no way I could stop using morphine and oxycodone at the same time after 6 years+ everyday and throw in the switch from lorazepam( Ativan) to Valium (diazepam) at the same time. Getting off Oxy was not a goal at that time. I only was trying to stop around the clock Morphine ER use after 6+ years. One at a time: and switch to 10mg Valium 3 times a day instead of 2mg Ativan 3 times a day. That was bad enough, throw in the Oxy 6+ years everyday and that probably would have given me a heart attack.
Besides I may not stop the Oxy, I am not a young man and I've still got pain and new pain, my knees. Also considering my cirrhosis, what would be the point. I just didn't need around the clock morphine anymore. My drug use ain't for recreational purposes. I don't abuse or misuse them. Other than pharmacy problems, I don't run out because of a binge or trying to catch a buzz. I was a drunk, not a drug user( don't give me the alcohol is a drug bullshit, I know that, but beer and illict drug use are different, I don't give a shit what anyone says.) The perscription drugs came from pain,( pancreatitus) and stomach pain and not being able to eat because of that. I am reluctant to give up anymore scripts, given the political climate around opiods, and besides I have OCD, severe anxiety and sleep issues. I was over 200lbs +(90+ kg)(14+ stone, there has to be an English person who understands that) and not at all fat or chubby, and got down to just over 160. I have lost a lot of muscle mass and am under still under 175lbs. even being not very active.
I was supposed to be dead almost 7 years ago. Dec 2015, several doctors told me I had a year to live without a liver transplant. I declined. Here I rot.

I will be brutally honest. Don't waste your life, I don't want you to end up like me. Although I get the impression we come from different socioeconomic backgrounds.

.
 
Ok, but there is no way I could stop using morphine and oxycodone at the same time after 6 years+ everyday and throw in the switch from lorazepam( Ativan) to Valium (diazepam) at the same time. Getting off Oxy was not a goal at that time. I only was trying to stop around the clock Morphine ER use after 6+ years. One at a time: and switch to 10mg Valium 3 times a day instead of 2mg Ativan 3 times a day. That was bad enough, throw in the Oxy 6+ years everyday and that probably would have given me a heart attack.
Besides I may not stop the Oxy, I am not a young man and I've still got pain and new pain, my knees. Also considering my cirrhosis, what would be the point. I just didn't need around the clock morphine anymore. My drug use ain't for recreational purposes. I don't abuse or misuse them. Other than pharmacy problems, I don't run out because of a binge or trying to catch a buzz. I was a drunk, not a drug user( don't give me the alcohol is a drug bullshit, I know that, but beer and illict drug use are different, I don't give a shit what anyone says.) The perscription drugs came from pain,( pancreatitus) and stomach pain and not being able to eat because of that. I am reluctant to give up anymore scripts, given the political climate around opiods, and besides I have OCD, severe anxiety and sleep issues. I was over 200lbs +(90+ kg)(14+ stone, there has to be an English person who understands that) and not at all fat or chubby, and got down to just over 160. I have lost a lot of muscle mass and am under still under 175lbs. even being not very active.
I was supposed to be dead almost 7 years ago. Dec 2015, several doctors told me I had a year to live without a liver transplant. I declined. Here I rot.

I will be brutally honest. Don't waste your life, I don't want you to end up like me. Although I get the impression we come from different socioeconomic backgrounds.

.
mate i pinky promise i’m not attacking you nor putting you down for any usage of any kind for any reason - i remember when you had asked earlier in one of the first posts about getting off that you didn’t mention any of this information and i’m sure i can speak for everyone that we all thought you were simply just trying to kick both, i promise i’m not coming at you with ill intent , nor would i inherently EVER do that, even if you were blowing black tar up your bumhole. we’re just here to help each other get well is all.

much love man, hope you have a wonderful day today.
 
Ok, but there is no way I could stop using morphine and oxycodone at the same time after 6 years+ everyday and throw in the switch from lorazepam( Ativan) to Valium (diazepam) at the same time. Getting off Oxy was not a goal at that time. I only was trying to stop around the clock Morphine ER use after 6+ years. One at a time: and switch to 10mg Valium 3 times a day instead of 2mg Ativan 3 times a day. That was bad enough, throw in the Oxy 6+ years everyday and that probably would have given me a heart attack.
Besides I may not stop the Oxy, I am not a young man and I've still got pain and new pain, my knees. Also considering my cirrhosis, what would be the point. I just didn't need around the clock morphine anymore. My drug use ain't for recreational purposes. I don't abuse or misuse them. Other than pharmacy problems, I don't run out because of a binge or trying to catch a buzz. I was a drunk, not a drug user( don't give me the alcohol is a drug bullshit, I know that, but beer and illict drug use are different, I don't give a shit what anyone says.) The perscription drugs came from pain,( pancreatitus) and stomach pain and not being able to eat because of that. I am reluctant to give up anymore scripts, given the political climate around opiods, and besides I have OCD, severe anxiety and sleep issues. I was over 200lbs +(90+ kg)(14+ stone, there has to be an English person who understands that) and not at all fat or chubby, and got down to just over 160. I have lost a lot of muscle mass and am under still under 175lbs. even being not very active.
I was supposed to be dead almost 7 years ago. Dec 2015, several doctors told me I had a year to live without a liver transplant. I declined. Here I rot.

I will be brutally honest. Don't waste your life, I don't want you to end up like me. Although I get the impression we come from different socioeconomic backgrounds.

.
you don’t ever have to justify what you use for pain to us because it IS valid. i’m not an abstinence-based person when it comes to recovery anyways y’know? you do exactly what you need to do to be the best human being possible and as sustainable as possible <3
 
just woke up, it’s my birthday today so just having some coffee, sitting in the bath, and dosed my kratom. talking to a few pals :)

got a dentist appointment at 11am which is good. the swelling on the tooth has gone down from the salt swishes and barricade of antibiotics i’ve thrown at it. i actually love my dentist, he’s the sweetest old man.
 
Deep breaths guys. We're all in the same boat, in one way or another.

Happy birthday Tokayeahok :D Glad you made it to this one. That's the scary thing about opioids - the tolerance and going back to baseline fairly quickly. I've had a couple of scares being over-stimmed, or had people I "trusted" sell me stuff that would just rot my body without any kind of high.

We're all human beings and things could have been done differently, but the past is the past. We can argue about little bits and pieces for weeks if we really wanted to. But it would be like we're just arguing with ourselves right?

I haven't touched any stimulants since quitting meth (especially dexies), I just know that if it's not medically supervised I could go over the top.

I think what's good is to get therapy while quitting any drug, get some outside perspective on things and figure out what our thinking is so we can recognise it before it spirals.
 
Deep breaths guys. We're all in the same boat, in one way or another.

Happy birthday Tokayeahok :D Glad you made it to this one. That's the scary thing about opioids - the tolerance and going back to baseline fairly quickly. I've had a couple of scares being over-stimmed, or had people I "trusted" sell me stuff that would just rot my body without any kind of high.

We're all human beings and things could have been done differently, but the past is the past. We can argue about little bits and pieces for weeks if we really wanted to. But it would be like we're just arguing with ourselves right?

I haven't touched any stimulants since quitting meth (especially dexies), I just know that if it's not medically supervised I could go over the top.

I think what's good is to get therapy while quitting any drug, get some outside perspective on things and figure out what our thinking is so we can recognise it before it spirals.
absolutely, nail on the head 💕
 
thank you honey ☺️
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