Raz
Bluelighter
*I wrote this yesterday, when after being really depressed for various reasons, some friends of mine proved to me once again that I have the best friends in the whole world. 
The veil lifted today, and that always gives me faint surprise. Sinking in the depths of the cavepond is always seductive and permanent until I emerge. Despair is a constant companion until suddenly it isn't anymore.
Last night I nearly cried from sadness. From looking at the world and wanting to know why people don't love one another more, and why happiness doesn't live in anybody's heart for longer than it takes a butterfly to flit from flower to flower. I thought of my mother and the man I love and my hated topography and the disease that might be breeding inside of me and I wondered how I could ever be anything other than self-destructive. I wondered how I could ever have convinced myself that I could live in the light.
Something happened today. I thought of my friend who held me until I felt safe. Another who told me he was happy just to be with me. I thought about my life without razor blades and without the iron mesh veil that was always making the air taste like rust. I remembered that I like the world. I like my world. I remembered that not everybody I love has gone, and that those who have left me are watching over me still. I remembered that I have more than I ever thought I would have in this life. I have independence and people who love me and people whom I love. I remembered that life grows in darkness as much as it grows in light, and that I'm enriched for the experiences I've gone through.
So this is thanks, I guess. Thanks to the people who taught me to listen to myself more often. Thanks to the ones who are there when listening to myself gets me into trouble. Thanks to whatever force it is that has let me live this long to appreciate what that means.
Lots of love,
Trav
The veil lifted today, and that always gives me faint surprise. Sinking in the depths of the cavepond is always seductive and permanent until I emerge. Despair is a constant companion until suddenly it isn't anymore.
Last night I nearly cried from sadness. From looking at the world and wanting to know why people don't love one another more, and why happiness doesn't live in anybody's heart for longer than it takes a butterfly to flit from flower to flower. I thought of my mother and the man I love and my hated topography and the disease that might be breeding inside of me and I wondered how I could ever be anything other than self-destructive. I wondered how I could ever have convinced myself that I could live in the light.
Something happened today. I thought of my friend who held me until I felt safe. Another who told me he was happy just to be with me. I thought about my life without razor blades and without the iron mesh veil that was always making the air taste like rust. I remembered that I like the world. I like my world. I remembered that not everybody I love has gone, and that those who have left me are watching over me still. I remembered that I have more than I ever thought I would have in this life. I have independence and people who love me and people whom I love. I remembered that life grows in darkness as much as it grows in light, and that I'm enriched for the experiences I've gone through.
So this is thanks, I guess. Thanks to the people who taught me to listen to myself more often. Thanks to the ones who are there when listening to myself gets me into trouble. Thanks to whatever force it is that has let me live this long to appreciate what that means.
Lots of love,
Trav
