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test poem

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ForgottenTribesman

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 12, 2004
Messages
30
any suggestions?

I met The woman from my dreams.
her shadow has been replaced, with a face

Your oceanic eyes, when i drown in them i cannot speak
Every electron in body explodes at once. frosen while your glow
caresses my tattered soul.

a boy lied when he said he was waiting to be ready.
He was honest when he said he was waiting...waiting for you.

when I woke next to you Your warmth frightend me, how did i become so accustomed to the cold.

while sober a friend asked if i was high. I realized The only Drug in me was you.

I asked god to show me the right fork in the road, I followed and it led me to you. I couldn't think of what to say or what i should do, so i opened my heart and wrote this poem for you.
 
Okay, I don't write poetry. I do go to a lot of those open mic nights where poetry is read (cheap drinks! emotionally vulnerable women!)...

Take my advice with a grain of salt. If you don't like it just tell me to fuck off and die.

1. It's spelled "frozen".

2. Breaking up your lines at random doesn't really make it a free-verse poem. Example:

Cats are
furry animals
Who will curl
up in your lap

If you're not going to rhyme or do some thing with sylables count:

Gentle light is fading
Hitting crystal crackpipes
We are giving blowjobs
In Bill Clinton's limo

At least try to have some sort of structure.

3. You have sorta good imagery with oceanic, every electron explodes at once. But you can reduce the sappiness, if I should be so blunt, by finding cliche words like "dreams" or "soul" or "heart" and replacing them with something special. Anyone can put together a bunch of cliche images and come up with something, but if you use something unique like the electron things, it's you and it's special.
 
Originally posted by *CrystalMeth Bunny*
Gentle light is fading
Hitting crystal crackpipes
We are giving blowjobs
In Bill Clinton's limo


lmao... priceless... you should write a book or something
 
<3

Originally posted by ForgottenTribesman
..when I woke next to you Your warmth frightend me, how did i become so accustomed to the cold.


Love this part. :)
Felt almost unfinished to me.
 
ForgottenTribesman

i know much less about poetry than CMB. i think you are a very nice person and some of your imagery is good and some rubbish.

my question is how is it possible for anyone to write anything approaching good and spell so badly ??

getten, pyscosis, responces -- did i miss any ?
 
Heh my aptitude test (what job are you best suited for)

said i should be a writer editor, but my handwriting is reallyreally bad, so i usually get to cheat and type up my stuff.

I tend to get excited and post it with out even rereading my work, or spellchecking.

I hope that answered.


imagination helps...
 
ok. no spelling errors this time if one allows for a couple of spaces missing. well done. :)
 
the mising spaces were intentional
their is a boat in my head used to travel inter dimensional

My thoughts form from clouds in a storm, It's fun to play with
the lightning, although it should be frightning, my sences are heightening

when i smell nostalgia, it tastes enlightening. blah blah blah this is my writening


*edit* their was no ill will in responce. Simply thoughts *edit*
 
Last edited:
Okay, I thought a lot of great things were said in this one... First of all, the poem is amazing. I love the words and the feeling it gave me. Second of all, CMB, I loved the way you critiqued it. I think a lot of people could learn just from reading that little peice... I just think it should be looked at by more people
 
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