Terrible Shrooms Trip.. Need help and advice.

[Twist3dgooch]

Please read all of this....
My name is Anthony. Im 19 years old and a little over 2 months ago I decided to take 2.2g of shrooms. I also drank alcohol and smoked alot of weed. It was my second time taking shrooms, but I only took maybe 1g over the course of 6 hours my first time. So my second time was more like my first. When I ate them I was chilling with 3 buddies and 2 girls. I was the only one tripping.. For the first 2 hours I had a great time! Beatboxing was fun, the lights were cool, and I was enjoying my trip. That is until one of the girls said something about life and death. When she said it I looked at her with complete confusion. I remember saying "What the fuck.." and thats when the second girl look at me and just rubbed it in.. She looked at me and said "yeah, it really crazy when you think about huh? Life and death." (She said all this because she was mad at me. We had sex at a party and I ended up not talking after because she was a slut. She was 18 and had sex with 16 people. She was my 4th.) She said more but I dont remember the exact words. Although immediately after hearing that I walked quickly to the back porch. I told myself in my head that women were crazy and fucked up. I sat there and tried so hard not to think about what they had said. But it wasnt working.. So I got up and walked to the couch. I told myself I was good and tried listening to the music. I tried so hard, but I failed... I ended up sitting there and took my one way trip of litterally loosing control of my mind. I sat there and just thought.. I dont really remember alot of what I thought. But what I do remember was fucked. I remember realizing in that moment why you get charged with man slaughter when you get caught with shrooms... I remember my mind splitting in two. One side said that I was thinking too much and that if I were to keep going my mind would shut off and I would die.. It said that when I die I would go no where. It would just be black. And thats when the other half of me fought that fucker tooth and nail. I had just gotten in a motorcycle crash in march and almost died. So there was no way I was going to let myself die. At the time I didnt even now if it was possible that my mind could just shut off and I still dont, but it felt like it could. And thats when my dark side told me to do it. To die. and leave everything behind. Who cared. It was death. Embrace it. Immediately that scared the shit out of me.. I rejected the thought. I told myself that this was just a drug and tomorrow it will be all over. I kept fighting it. I wasnt going to kill myself. So my mind fought itself for how ever long. And I drifted in and out of consciences. After a period of time i got up off the couch feeling so scared . I didnt know what to do. I felt empty and alone. So when I saw the girl that fucked with me I decided to cuddle next to her as she was sleeping. I ended up having sex with this girl agian. All so I could forget what had just happened to me. And it worked. Thank the lord.

But it didnt end. I realized 2 weeks later what that trip had done to me... It had fried my mind. It was like a piece of me had died. I was so stupid. My short term mermory was shot. Also my friends noticed that I was thinking way too much about things. My supervisor at work told me that I was so stupid when he saw me that saturday at work. Also, I have always talked to myself on my own time, but had noticed that I would talk outloud to myself infront of my co-workers and they would catch me doing it. When I saw and heard that I couldnt believe what had happened to me. I had lost my mind that night. And for the last 2 months I have tried so very hard to come back to the normal me. And I have improved. My mind has healed alot. I stopped talking to myself infront of peolpe. And I have improved. My mind has healed alot. I stopped talking to myself infront of people. My memory has gotten better. Im trying to enjoy my life as much as I can and forget that terrible memory. But as much as I try it always lingers... I need help with the one thought that I cant seem to forget. The death thought. That thought has come back twice now... The first time was was a few weeks ago when I was driving. That part of me came back and told me to crash my car and die. I immediately rejected the thought and fought myself again for a few minutes. It eventually went away. The next time happened today. I was in group training learing about safety for the new job I just got. It came back again. I sat there and thought about taking a gun, opening my mouth and killing myself. I only thought that for a breif second. But it scared me shitless. I have never thought about suicide in my life untill this shrooms trip. And I love my life. I dont want to die. Like I said before. I was in a motorcycle crash and almost died then. I dont want too die! Period. But everytime this voice comes back I feel like a small part of me wants to do it because the thought is so strong and forceful. I feel like a part of me is already dead. It scares me. I feel so alone. Thats why I came here today. I dont want to get depressed one day and decide its okay to kill myself. I need help. I dont know what to do...

Also note that I have a bad porn addiction. I know I thought about it during my shrooms trip and have realized how bad it really is. I have tried to stop it but its hard. I tell you this because when I do masterbate which is maybe once everyday or two. Without porn most of the time. I feel very low the next day and I feel thats how I get myself back to that thought. But I dont know. Its been hard controling my thought process, but it is getting better.

Thank you for your help and reading this. If you have any advice, please leave it. Positive vibes only.

 

[ebcer]

I've had problems with impulsive, scary thoughts from drug use as well. Try not to entertain anything in your head you don't want to. Relax. Dont worry about "fighting" so much as just remembering you dont need nor want them. The best help would be to stay away from any drugs for now if you can. You'll have better control over your thoughts. Good luck with everything man. =)

 

[dognasher]

Please don't take offense to this, but you are young. Your brain isn't done growing yet, and it wont be for a few more years. So it's all the drugs messing with your already sensitive brain. Girls can be total weirdos, I know because I am one. Don't pay this any heed - it was just a weird trip and that's all it was. Your brain isn't fried for life, you aren't broken.

Focus on staying healthy for now - leave the drugs alone, get some exercise, try to reach out to friends, and if you feel like the porn is an issue, maybe try some talk therapy. But I can tell you that every other 19 year old, male or female, is most likely masturbating once or twice a day to porn as well! It's normal! Hell, every guy I know in my 30's is still probably jerking off every day!

Don't overthink things, my friend. The universe has a plan for you and all things will align in the end! Good luck! Don't beat yourself up over it.

 

[Twist3dgooch]

Thanks guys! I do overthink things a lot. I just need to accept it happened and move on.

 

[nygiants1313]

Hey man this may come acroos as to simple or lame advice but i think you just need to chill and look at things differently. The mind is very strong as you know and your letting yourself get to worked up to where the negative mind is overpowering the positive mind in you.

I know when it comes to clinical depression and stuff the saying "other people have it worse" statement does nothing to a truly suicidal person but this may help in your case if not clinically depressed.

And what i mean by that isnt some dbag way of being like just suck it up your fine other people are starving but more along the lines of to take a step back, relax, breathe, and view things a bit differently.

I mean nothing lives forever, we all die but instrad of thinking about that stuff, you need to think about all the positives in life. You say you love your life you dont want to die when you very well could have died in your crash. Maybe since you didnt die be positive and realize you still get to live the life that you enjoy so much. You got a 2nd chance when many people dont get that 2nd chance so dont take it for granted and be happy you are here.

We only get one go around on this planet and seeing how young you are you still have so much time left that you need to embrace it so in 5 or 10 years from now your not kicking yourself for not enjoying it especially when you got another chance.

And if your not clinically depressed then i dont mind telling you that hundreds of millions of people have such horrid lives they wish they could die. There are people in prison for life. Some even wrongly convicted who got screwed yet are behind bars for their one life!!! Could you imagine that??? I couldnt it must be horrible. These are some of the things i think about when im down or dont want to go to work. I almost laugh to myself because i shouldnt be complaining as hundreds of millions of people would give an arm and a leg to be healthy and have a job.

This is just some food for thought and im not saying not to complain about stuff because life is hard i get it. But if you have your health, a roof over your head, not starving, and an overall happy life that you enjoy (which you said you do) then ya gotta fight throufh those negative thoughts and look at the big picture and ull make it.


Exercise, eat right, dont take life to seriously, and be appreciative of the things you have bevause it could be much much worse. And if worse comes to worse and thoughts are making you crazy then go by the saying....

"if you cant find something to live for, then find something to die for"

But no matter what we are going to die one day, so why not push through and make the best of things. I know its not easy but take a step back and go with the flow.

Try and get outside around nature if possible because i find nature can really help view things differently, bring you more peace, and more in touch with your spiritual side and the universe.

The most astounding fact is the knowledge that the atoms that comprise life on earth, the atoms that make up the human body are traceable to the crucibles that cooked lite elements in to heavy elements in their core under extreme temperatures and pressures. These stars, the high mass ones among them when unstable in their later years, they collapsed then exploded scattering their enriched guts across the galaxy. Guts made of carbon, nitrogen, oxygen and all the fundamental ingredients of life itself. These ingredients become part of gas clouds that condense, colapse forming the next generation of solar systems, stars with orbiting planets. Those planets now have ingrediants for life themselves. When i look up at the night sky, and yes i know we are part of this universe, we are in this universe but perhaps more importantly THE UNIVERSE IS IN US. When i reflect on that fact i feel big because my atoms came from those stars. The universe is precisely what WE ARE, just by being alive!!!

 

[DJP]

Hey Anthony,

Just made a profile to reply to this. I had almost the exact same trip from shrooms a few years back. It started with a nasty comment from a friend of mine, then spiralled out of control. Eventually I ended up feeling like I was fighting for my life. One side of my mind was hanging on, and the other side was trying to persuade me to flip the off switch. I really believed it would kill me too, and that death was just a black hole of nothingness. The boundary between life and death felt so thin, like we're all hanging on by a thread.

For months afterwards I felt totally disconnected from other people, like I was a ghost or something. I also still feel closer to death, like I know what it is. Before that trip I could never imagine what it would be like to not exist. Now I think I know.

Anyway, after a while the effects have faded a lot. I can remember the experience pretty clearly, but it only comes back if I try to remember. After a while you won't get any 'surprise' death thoughts hopefully. Also, like the previous poster said, you are still young and your brain has not fully developed. In my early twenties I felt like my thoughts started to crystallise, and things became a lot more stable.

And finally, please don't feel guilty about watching porn and jerking off and stuff. That's normal. If you really have trouble with it, try to find a nice girl to deal with your needs. Worked for me

Cheers,

Dave

 

[Deleted member 210577]

The best thing you could do for yourself right now is stop the porn use. Trust me. Forget everyone who tells you it's all fine and dandy.. you recognize you feel low, which is true.. it depletes you.. orgasm is a hugely energetic event. You've also intuited that perhaps it is affecting your thought process. You've admitted two things to yourself that most people try so hard to deny.. the second one few people recognize at all, you have good intuition It's not evil or anything, it's just not healthy. If you must then jerk without porn, but ideally you should find a partner if you can.

Don't panic, you will heal and process the experience.. give it time. Eat well, sleep well, exercise. Take it as a learning experience, and perhaps consider waiting until you're a bit older before using again.. that's not meant to be condescending, it's just as you get older you'll develop a stronger mind and handle these kinds of situations better. You're still young and growing, treasure your vitality whilst you still have it. You won't regret it.

 

[bakeryrogercow]

I know you're young so you probably don't get the significance of this, but don't refer to women as sluts. Besides the fact that it's demeaning and misogynistic, its much more hurtful than you think it is. And on top of it all, its a ridiculous double standard to attack a woman for having multiple sexual partners but praise a guy.

Sorry, I really, really just can't stand the s word.