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Telling someone I have HPV -- After sex

Cohesion

Cohesion

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 21, 2010
Messages
1,069
Location
Portland, OR
ETA: This thread is almost 1 year old. I have written an update on page 3 regarding pre-sex conversations and STDs.

Here is the original post:

In the past I have told people I have HPV before sex, sometimes after. I don't follow any protocol for Informing. As a result of this experience now I WILL as a RULE follow informed consent. He has OCD; he took 18 months of prophylactic meds for HIV and just got off them. I knew that and still didn't inform him beforehand. I'm not perfect, but am I an awful person?

Old habits die hard?

A text conversation from 8:30-11:30 a.m. this morning.


Him: Hey, do you think about the unprotected sex at all?
Me: Yeah. It was highly irresponsible. Though we've both been [HIV] tested recently with no new risks...
Me: Thoughts?
Him: I'm going to try and get on a prophylaxis treatment today. Doctor warned me lasat time that some of the side effects are unknown. Just for peace of mind.
Him: OCD, neurosis, whatever you want to call it. When are you scheduled for your last [HIV swab] test? You? Thoughts?
Me: Oh [name], I'm sorry ... I should have been more thoughtful. I really am negative now FWIW. [He believes you aren't negative until 18 months after the high risk behavior.]
Me: 12 months will be end of June. I'm getting retested on Monday.



Me: You know what HPV is right. And condoms don't prevent its spread much? I have that and I'm getting another treatment for it Tuesday.
Me: it doesn't visibly show up in men, and it causes cervical cancer. Men are unaffected carriers.
Him: No, I don't know what that is. I don't have. Didn't? Could they give me something for that?
Me: No
Him: Why didn't you tell me?
Me: 80% of Americans have it. You doctor probably even has it. You probably unknowingly have it. It's not serious...for you.
Me: I just called HIV ed. She said most individuals are detected in 3 months. In very rare individuals, it takes 6 months. I was tested at 6 months. She said the 12 and 18 month mark you must know about is back from old testing methods.
Me: She speaks from the Center for Disease Control.
Him: No. I didn't have anything. I had pretty exhaustive testing. How contagious is it? Is it pretty much guaranteed that I have it now?
Me: There is no test for it for men. That's how unaffected you are.
Him: I hadn't done anything with anyone else between test results. I looked it up. It says 20% of men can develop cancers and genital and oral warts. Should there be anything else that I should know? So that I could have the best info when I see my doc.
Me: That's it. No high risk behavior since end of June last year. No new partners since that time.


Him: How did you know you had it? Did you have symptoms?
Me: Yeah
Him: What symptoms? Is it highly contagious?
Me: Genital warts, I have had most of them removed, and yes I think so.
Me: Most people have it.
Him: I wish so much that you had told me that.
Me: I don't know what to say right now.
Him: Even if I never get symptoms now I could give that to someone else. This is not good.
Him: Please tell me how your other test goes.
Me: Ok.


Him: There is no prophylaxis for HPV.
Me: I didn't tell you because I guess I had accepted it as a fact of life. The nurses always blow it off saying things like how so many people have it, it doesn't cause any problems, and so on.
Him: Every single thing I've read says let others know. I am having panic attacks over this. It's highly contractible. I could pretty much accept that I have it now.
Him: Do you know when you are dormant and when you are not?
Me: I should not listen to the "comforting" of nurses, then. Downplaying it didn't help your peace of mind.
Me: I don't know. Really, how many partners have you had in your life? No need to answer. You really, really, probably already have had this.
Him: No one has ever told me that I've given them anything. This is intense. I don't think it could be downplayed at all. It's my responsibility to protect myself in the end [name]. But you should tell people. Shouldn't assume that I have it already or that I should be laid back about. I'm going to be sick about this for a long time. Probably forever. Have you been honest with me about the risky behavior?
Me: Yes, honest. You are right. Please consider though that it takes time to show up. If you have given anyone HPV they would not always know how long it was dormant aka. if it was you.
Me: You haven't heard about HPV because so many people have it, therefore no one talks about it. It's everywhere. I'm just honest enough to educate you. Sorry, I'm not trying to be defensive. It's just how I see it.
Me: Yes, educate before, not after. I don't know what I was thinking.
Me: 90% of immune systems eliminate it in 2 years.


Him: The stuff I've read say you keep it for life. I'm at doctors now. Waiting on my turn.
Him: I hope they give me something for anxiety, too. I have OCD real bad. This is going to fuck me up worse.
Me: Hmm, ok. Let me know the doctor's and nurses' sentiments.
Me: Use positive self talk. Pessimism and negative self talk isn't going to help with anxiety. I know how you are feeling though. I learned what it was right when I found out I had it. It was a shock, but learning more about it helped.
Me: Have you tried any positive self talk? It's highly effective for anxiety and general well being. Look it up sometime.. I learned how to do it through this website called MoodGym. It's based on principles from that book you recommended, Feeling Good.
Him: I hope I dodged this. But it's sounding like it's guaranteed that I have it now. I don't want to hear about positive thinking. I'll pass on that.
Me: That's your choice.
Me: This sucks.
Him: Sorry [name]. I don't share your lightheartedness about STDs (any of them).
Me: I didn't feel lighthearted until doctors and nurses everywhere passed on that sentiment. I hate this.
Him: Yes it does. I fucked up. I should have worn a condom and it's on me for not being more direct about how this kind of thing weighs heavy on mind. But I am very bummed out right now. And I know that I'm gonna be so for a long time ahead. I fucked up.
Him: Those are some crazy docs and nurses. I think they gave you terrible advise if they didn't tell you to advise others about what they were about to get.
Me: Maybe the ones I met all had it and the idea is to make themselves feel better. Just a guess.
Me: It wasn't emphasized. But I have a conscious and I know that it was socially irresponsible. They just didn't help.
Him: This is not a lighthearted matter at all. It's not an "Ooops, my bad, what are you doing for lunch?"




:?
 
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I feel goofy for mentioning the positive self talk. But we have conversations about mental health, and he said he's having panic attacks.

I feel like, such a failure.
 
I had PTSD from allowing people to use me and spread to me more strains of HPV. I worked through most of my "issues" about it.

Now I went and hurt someone else just like I've been hurt.

I'm going to beat myself up about this for a long, long time.

I've known him for 9 years.
 
No I don't think that you're a bad person Mami, at least you told him how you have HPV. I have friends who have HPV and other STDs and they don't tell anyone even the people who they date or have sex with.

I even knew one person who is HIV+ and not on medications and almost had AIDS and were very sick and they would not tell any of their sexual partners that they were HIV+ and they insisted that they were HIV- and said this so people would have unprotected sex with them since they didn't like to use condoms.
 
PriestTheyCalledHim said:
No I don't think that you're a bad person Mami, at least you told him how you have HPV. I have friends who have HPV and other STDs and they don't tell anyone even the people who they date or have sex with.

I even knew one person who is HIV+ and not on medications and almost had AIDS and were very sick and they would not tell any of their sexual partners that they were HIV+ and they insisted that they were HIV- and said this so people would have unprotected sex with them since they didn't like to use condoms.
Click to expand...

PriestTheyCalledHim: You might wanna rethink the kinda ppl you're friends with. That's beyond fucked up.

Mami:
I think the best outcome from this is:
you can take how you feel right now..and remember.
All any of us can do is the next right thing.



<3token
 
mami said:
I'm not perfect, but am I an awful person?
Click to expand...

I have been in this type of situation, and it is one of the most ugly of my life. First, I'll say what you, and I, have done is not most peoples' idea of the right thing to do. However, you are not forever a terrible person, especially because you have learned from this experience and are changing your pre-sex conversation. It will be natural to feel guilt, and this guy may not speak to you again, which is his right. But you shouldn't feel like there is not a way back from this for you as a person.

Just to relate, my ex-girlfriend back in 2007 told me she had tested positive for HPV. She was sure it came from a partner before me. Yet, I had started a sexual relationship with another ex of mine when I learned this news, so I went to planned parenthood and asked to be checked for everything and came back clean. I now realize there are so many issues which would have obscured positive HPV results, particularly males being untestable. However, I accepted that as good and went on having awesome sex and being an alcoholic. Eventually this sexual relationship budded into a real relationship, and when it came out I had heard about my other ex's results while sleeping with my current girl, she never looked at me the same, and it destroyed what would've been a potentially great relationship - even though she never contracted it.

A lot of guilt came along with the carelessness of my actions concerning this. Being thorough is always best.

Yet, you did tell the person after the fact, which counts for something. That conversation in many way is much more difficult than the one you could have had prior to sex. You are taking the right steps to rectify the situation. And while this is no light-hearted matter, you are doing what you can and should be done. Just please be honest and upfront in the future and you'll not need to worry over this again.
 
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tokenname said:
PriestTheyCalledHim: You might wanna rethink the kinda ppl you're friends with. That's beyond fucked up.

Mami:
I think the best outcome from this is:
you can take how you feel right now..and remember.
All any of us can do is the next right thing.



<3token
Click to expand...

I wasn't friends with this guy I just knew him socially from bars and dance clubs we'd go to with mutual friends. I never had sex with him even though he and his partner who's HIV- and actually HIV- wanted me to. I assume that all the men and women I have sex with are HIV+ or could be and have safer sex with them.

There are a lot of people who are open about how they're HIV+ but yes some do lie about it, or they don't know if they are since they don't get tested. A friend of mine saw the guy I wrote about and said how he's now out about being HIV+ and tells people and he's on meds.
 
PriestTheyCalledHim said:
I wasn't friends with this guy I just knew him socially from bars and dance clubs we'd go to with mutual friends. I never had sex with him even though he and his partner who's HIV- and actually HIV- wanted me to. I assume that all the men and women I have sex with are HIV+ or could be and have safer sex with them.

There are a lot of people who are open about how they're HIV+ but yes some do lie about it, or they don't know if they are since they don't get tested. A friend of mine saw the guy I wrote about and said how he's now out about being HIV+ and tells people and he's on meds.
Click to expand...

Oh!
Hey..I'm sorry..
I misread...
I thought he was a friend of yours.
I'm glad he's not.
<3token
 
Why would you even bother telling him you have HPV after you had sex?? People are retarded and they get scared, like what happen to this guy. Especially when he is ocd.
 
Yeah. This is terrible. A very similar thing happened to me and it is fucked up. The best thing you can do is apologize and leave him alone for the rest of his life.
 
PriestTheyCalledHim said:
No I don't think that you're a bad person Mami, at least you told him how you have HPV. I have friends who have HPV and other STDs and they don't tell anyone even the people who they date or have sex with.

I even knew one person who is HIV+ and not on medications and almost had AIDS and were very sick and they would not tell any of their sexual partners that they were HIV+ and they insisted that they were HIV- and said this so people would have unprotected sex with them since they didn't like to use condoms.
Click to expand...

You can definitely be charged with a felony for knowingly spread the HIV/AIDS virus. Many homosexual men and prostitute chicks here in Minneapolis have been charged with a felony because they neglected to tell their partner and, in turn, spread HIV.
 
Ugh. Mami, I really like you girl, but this is fucked up. I don't care if everyone is diseased. I am not, and I don't want them. I don't want to go off on a tangent on you, but at least if you don't tell someone, make them use a condom. I don't blame him for being upset.
 
Yeah.. Tell people cause hpv still isn't something to just shrug off.... This is why diseases spread because people are so fucking careless. My brothers girlfriend had to almost have her ovaries taken out from hpv and shit... That's not something to just think oh hpv isn't bad. I got my gardasil shot and even nowadays they're recommending guys to get the vaccination. Guess what it may not be an issue to guys really but they can still pass it off to a woman... but wow this makes me shake my head. Think before you act...

Volunteered in a clinic and its unbelievable how many people have std's ect.
 
You are not a terrible person but it may have been the wrong thing to do, I think people are being a bit harsh on you when you are probably coming here for support. I mean what you did was wrong but people make mistakes all the time, hopefully nothing will happen to the infected individual, I do not have much knowledge on STI/STD's really but I know people with them. Unfortunatley it is done and dusted now, best thing to do is apologize in full and help the person how ever you can or leave them alone if thats what they want. Goodluck, its not the end of the world, it may have been bad and a pretty shitty thing to do but as I said, people make msitakes.

EDIT: I know its a big deal and was a huge mistake but, all I am saying is that she deserves to just get some support from us even if it was wrong. Its just theres not one single little thing you can do now so its not like everyone here telling her off is going to make her do anything else about it, as theres nothing. Also I have always noticed that people on bluelight talk about STD's like there nothing, I think there pretty serious and I dont understand how people are just like I am this and I am that. If I became positive I wouldn't even tell people unless I needed to.
 
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^well, she knew what she had and its like wow I know I have herpes but we'll have sex first then ill tell him... Its not that serious. :| you can't just goes oops my mistake when you're risking someone elses health.
 
Yeah....I'm really conflicted about this one. How would we be reacting if it were the guy posting his side of the story? We'd be calling her all kinds of names, etc., and consoling him. She should have told him, or at the very least insisted he use a condom. I didn't know that was the virus that causes genital warts....that would totally freak me out, too. Ick.
 
This thread is scaring me. I do not have HPV and you guys are making me feel like the only reason I'm STD-free is because I don't get laid enough.

At least Lysis has it together. A lot of you are brushing it off like it's no big deal, and shahab6, not sure if you're trolling but what you said is pretty fucked up.
 
I don't wana brush this shit off but the best thing to do, is to talk to the person and do exactly what he says. Leave them alone, listen to what their thinking, whatever their heart desires. Thats basically all you can do, you want to put it horribley and say 'omg you have ruined there life, you are a horrible person for not telling them before' or, you could offer support which is what people need not people to play the mother fucking blame game.

It was wrong okay, really wrong, guess what? Lots of things people are do are wrong and horrible and have negative impact on other people sometimes on a huge scale but, with things like this once its done, its done. I wouldn't say move on, I would say think about what you did, think about how you can prevent doing it again, think about how you can make said guys situation better. Hopefully you will come up with some answers and even though you might still be guilty you will find a way. Basically, what you did was wrong, dead wrong, like not a stealing a little bit of money from your mum wrong, the more serious kind of wrong. Your going to have to find a way to deal with it though and face it head on. I just think that mami has been a bluelight for a wee while and I have seen her post multiple places and always be pretty cool so, lets treat it like if one of your friends did this. As I have said countless times, offer support not saying oh my god, your fucked up. The world is fucking fucked up and chances are you, I and everyone else in this thread has there own things that make them 'fucked up'.
 
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