I have to be blunt with you.... I'm not sure what to say.
Because, you see, I think that you and I have said everything there is to say, over the years. I thought I knew you, inside and out, before I even met you. But that was the naive me, back then, who thought she knew everything and really, didn't have a clue.
But I think that at some point in our lives, we were on the same wavelength, you and I. And so, I think that if anyone could understand me now, it's probably you. Even though we've amounted our relationship to a sentence or 2, exchanged every week or so, or a memory drudged up inappropriately now and again. I still think that maybe, you would understand.
I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to sit in this bedroom, night after night, and try to figure out my life anymore. I'm tired of these sleepless nights that are only brought to an end by the swallowing of little blue pills and the praying that if I shut my eyes tight enough, the day will slip by like all the rest. My journal is tattered and full of shit... I'm sick of adding to it everyday and then ripping the pages out the next, because all I do is lie to myself. Am I happy? Yes... sometimes... I think. It's not ALL a show... the bouncy bubbly me that everyone knows as "glittergirl" at work, who is always happy, with her perfect beautiful boyfriend and her perfect little life. Sometimes, there's a me in that cliche that is right-on... I love what I do, I love who I'm with, and even sometimes, I love who I am. But not always.
And I don't want to have to try to figure out what's real anymore, and what I just make up for myself to forge happiness. To subdue drama. To avoid confrontation. And this place... this fucking room just closes me in, and these people... i'm TIRED of seeing them everyday. They just remind me, over and over, of all the things I used to have, or will never have, or came so close to having but then didnt...
I don't know where I want to be. I'm so good at running. Running from my creditors, running from my responsibilities, and running from everyone that tries to touch me. I just wish I could be somewhere where everything comes easy, and I know there's no place like that, but I think if anywhere came close, it would be far from here.
Because, those few that are left... are leaving. Going on to bigger and better things. Leaving behind all the mistakes that we made here. The things that left our mark on this city. Things I used to be so proud of... and now, I'm ashamed of. And I want to go too! I just want to get on that train and ride into the sunset, far from here. But I can't.
And i want to take him with me... but I dont think he'd go.
And I know that you were always wiser when it came to things like this... you predicted everything that would happen. You told me how to fix my life, and it took me too long to listen. You gave me opportunities to have something different, and I threw them away. You offered me all these things... and I didn't have the guts to accept them. And now you dont want to hear about how everything is all fucked.
Well... no one is forcing you to read this.
But by the same token, I know you will. I didn't have the chance to walk with you along the pier this year. To stare into the water and confess things that you should never know. I didn't have the chance for things to not go as I planned them, once again. I wasn't there. You weren't there. The pier wasn't there. And there's nothing left to confess... you know it all.
How do you break out of this cycle? Where nothing feels right. Where you always feel abandoned and alone. I DONT have everything. I dont even know what it is i WANT anymore. I want my hard work to pay off. I want someone to NOTICE me. I want my boyfriend to LOVE me, the way that I love him. I want all the answers to come. I want to go somewhere that is not here, and start over. And I want to be forgiven, for all the things I've so brilliantly fucked up.
Please tell me... dear friend... when you lay on your futon in that big bright city of yours, hearing children playing outside, and the train below, and you feel the sting of familiar tears on your cheeks... how do you fall asleep.... what comforts you in the dead of night... what hope is there of tomorrow that you grasp....
I need to know.
Because, you see, I think that you and I have said everything there is to say, over the years. I thought I knew you, inside and out, before I even met you. But that was the naive me, back then, who thought she knew everything and really, didn't have a clue.
But I think that at some point in our lives, we were on the same wavelength, you and I. And so, I think that if anyone could understand me now, it's probably you. Even though we've amounted our relationship to a sentence or 2, exchanged every week or so, or a memory drudged up inappropriately now and again. I still think that maybe, you would understand.
I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to sit in this bedroom, night after night, and try to figure out my life anymore. I'm tired of these sleepless nights that are only brought to an end by the swallowing of little blue pills and the praying that if I shut my eyes tight enough, the day will slip by like all the rest. My journal is tattered and full of shit... I'm sick of adding to it everyday and then ripping the pages out the next, because all I do is lie to myself. Am I happy? Yes... sometimes... I think. It's not ALL a show... the bouncy bubbly me that everyone knows as "glittergirl" at work, who is always happy, with her perfect beautiful boyfriend and her perfect little life. Sometimes, there's a me in that cliche that is right-on... I love what I do, I love who I'm with, and even sometimes, I love who I am. But not always.
And I don't want to have to try to figure out what's real anymore, and what I just make up for myself to forge happiness. To subdue drama. To avoid confrontation. And this place... this fucking room just closes me in, and these people... i'm TIRED of seeing them everyday. They just remind me, over and over, of all the things I used to have, or will never have, or came so close to having but then didnt...
I don't know where I want to be. I'm so good at running. Running from my creditors, running from my responsibilities, and running from everyone that tries to touch me. I just wish I could be somewhere where everything comes easy, and I know there's no place like that, but I think if anywhere came close, it would be far from here.
Because, those few that are left... are leaving. Going on to bigger and better things. Leaving behind all the mistakes that we made here. The things that left our mark on this city. Things I used to be so proud of... and now, I'm ashamed of. And I want to go too! I just want to get on that train and ride into the sunset, far from here. But I can't.
And i want to take him with me... but I dont think he'd go.
And I know that you were always wiser when it came to things like this... you predicted everything that would happen. You told me how to fix my life, and it took me too long to listen. You gave me opportunities to have something different, and I threw them away. You offered me all these things... and I didn't have the guts to accept them. And now you dont want to hear about how everything is all fucked.
Well... no one is forcing you to read this.
But by the same token, I know you will. I didn't have the chance to walk with you along the pier this year. To stare into the water and confess things that you should never know. I didn't have the chance for things to not go as I planned them, once again. I wasn't there. You weren't there. The pier wasn't there. And there's nothing left to confess... you know it all.
How do you break out of this cycle? Where nothing feels right. Where you always feel abandoned and alone. I DONT have everything. I dont even know what it is i WANT anymore. I want my hard work to pay off. I want someone to NOTICE me. I want my boyfriend to LOVE me, the way that I love him. I want all the answers to come. I want to go somewhere that is not here, and start over. And I want to be forgiven, for all the things I've so brilliantly fucked up.
Please tell me... dear friend... when you lay on your futon in that big bright city of yours, hearing children playing outside, and the train below, and you feel the sting of familiar tears on your cheeks... how do you fall asleep.... what comforts you in the dead of night... what hope is there of tomorrow that you grasp....
I need to know.
