Hello Mrs. Wallace...My sponsor says that there is a modest difference between myself and most addicts...I never used oxy to get high. I needed it for significant pain. I hate the stuff. Having said that I still find that I have the same character defects as any other addict.. I am happy to be past the w/d, but my body...as opposed to my mind...still wants the stuff. I am not fixated on getting high OR trying hard mentally to stay "clean". I am using the experiences of others to maintain "sobriety". My doc says the difference between people like me and those who got hooked recreationally is that I never wanted the stuff to begin with. May I have your thoughts on this post please?
Thanks...
D.
To be honest NA/AA never worked for me, I tried it several times and gave it a real shot, I had a sponsor, went to 3 meetings a week, etc, but it wasn't for me. I think that the program is great for some people, I'll never judge anyone for what keeps them sober-- if praying in a church or praying to your dead dog works for you, that's awesome, whatever works. But I'm a hardcore atheist and have been for my entire life (I was raised Catholic and decided at the age of 6 god did not exist and I've never questioned that thought) so I just couldn't get into the belief of the higher power aspect enough for it to work for me. Plus while some of the people there were lovely, I really took some issue with the attitude of a lot of the "old timers." I'm too mouthy and stubborn to go along with the "do whatever we tell you do to do to stay sober and if you don't you don't really want sobriety" philosophy. What I think is great about NA/AA though is that it gives you a support system and that's what you need when you first get sober. You can't hang out with your old friends who are still using but god, if you just sit around in your house all day alone you're going to be so miserable you're definitely going to use again!
I've been sober for 8 months and I did it this time, the longest time I've been sober in a decade, by never going to a room. I went through a really bad period of about 4 months where I would use suboxone for a few days and then go back on heroin for 4 days... god that was HELL, I think the most uncomfortable period of my life. I spent a lot of days lying in the bath for hours on end because of the hot/cold sweats, chills, etc from the precipitated withdrawals of trying to go back on suboxone too soon because I needed to go to work! I just woke up one day and said I think I'm done with this cause this is bollocks, went away with my father on a trip to visit family in the UK where I couldn't get it, and I haven't picked up a needle since then. I have been seeing a therapist for the last few months who is just amazing and he's helped me a lot.
I think what you have to ask yourself is were you really just using it for pain or did you get something out of it? I obviously don't know your situation, but I have been addicted to many substances over the last 10 years and many did help me legitimately with some physical/psychological issue-- but the difference I see between people who are genuinely using it for those issues is that they don't struggle when they come off of it and even when they were on it they never went over their dose and sometimes were under because they didn't enjoy being high, and they weren't getting any relief from it except from those specific issues. I don't think it's really necessary for you to decide whether you qualify as an "addict" I know the 12 step way is to admit your are powerless and really take on the acceptance of being an addict, but I believe addiction is not black and white but exists on more of a spectrum... get what you can out of the 12 step program and leave what isn't helpful for you. I know many people who have used 12 step for a number of issues, co-depedence, eating disorders, etc, so I think there's definitely an aspect of it that's helpful for everyone.
