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TDS Social Thread v. RIP tobala & junctionalfunkie, we love you both

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J@germe1ster said:
Although I didn't know him personally my condolences go out to the friends and family of Tobala. I only wish I was fortunate to know him as well as some of you had. After reading what friends wrote about him I can tell he had a huge heart, a rare commodity these days. I hope that in my life I can be be half the man he was...
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Lovely words, thank you <3 :)
 
Oh no it's not. It's just taking a nap. It'll pick up on the weekend, guaranteed!
 
Right now I'm calling around my area for doctor's that'll see patients with no insurance at an affordable rate. I wanna get to the bottom of this depression/bipolar shit I'm dealing with, hopefully I'll hear something back and I can get some help. I'm nervous as fuck right now, I don't know why. I want to get out of this hell.
 
Let me tell you something real quick about the process of making calls.

A lot of those people (secretaries, etc) are trained to act like robots when they answer calls. Its part of the business and can demotivate you a lot. At least in my area these people are taking calls all day, and often lose patience when they're suppose to be professional and courteous.
I was once transfered I think 6 times and put on hold, and when some woman tried to transfer me again I flipped out on the phone completely and hung up.

I went back to my school psychiatrist (free at school he was the one who told me to get the charity care card) and told him I never got the card. He asked why not and I told him because the people who give the cards have no idea how to handle a simple phone call. The people were morons, and I didn't wanna deal with it again.

He wound up forcing me to call again, and I was only put on hold twice, and wound up getting in. Although they will very much treat you almost like a number and not a person. Its NORMAL, don't let it get to you.
Once you get into to see the actual drs you will get proper treatment.

And your nervousness is just because I think you're afraid what the drs will say. But they usually have the ability to put your own problems into perspective for you, in a way that will calm you and make you feel like they know what they are doing. So its ok to be nervous, but don't let that anxiety steer you AWAY from what you know you need to do for yourself.

I'm sure in a way just making the call made you feel better.. like "oh shit.. I'm actually doing something for myself once". It will only get better and better toots you gotta trust me. Even if they gotta throw you on some anti depressant Lexapro basically saved my life 4-5 years back after I had become suicidal. Once I got on the lex my entire life changed. And it gave me the ability to start working on my problems with less anxiety in the process.

Now I don't take Lex, and don't deal with depression. And don't think I ever really will again. When those thoughts start taking over my mind its too instinctual now... I just shut them off and take my mind somewhere else.
It IS possible to get over your fears/problems you just have a little bit of faith in yourself and other people.
 
Yea I kind of expected them to be robotic over the phone. So far I've gotten a bunch of "Um, his/her practice is really full so we're going to have to ask about taking on a new patient and we'll call you back."

The only thing that scares me is I did go to the doctor once when I was 18 to get on some meds for it, which I got, but my doctor didn't listen to a word I said. Just blankly stared at me, asked me what my symptoms were and gave me a script. I mean, I want to know exactly what it is, there's a good chance I have bipolar disorder as opposed to just depression. You know? I dunno.
 
Thats easy to figure out yourself.

Remember depression is unipolar, theres absolutely no manic states associated with it.
Bipolar is both, which means you must have both.

Do you ever get manic at all? Or are you always just usually depressed? And by manic I don't mean normal and happy for a few hours.
I mean you can't stop talking, you start doing crazy shit, dressing differently, acting differently, everything becomes a joke whether or not its at the expense of other peoples wellbeing.

My bestfriend since highschool was bipolar and couldn't deal with it (hung himself on his 24th b-day which was terrible). But I got to see first hand from him, and the psychward thats there IS very clear differences between the 2.

Do you actually get manic at all?
 
I was looking it up and I read that manic episodes can sometimes be huge and last for a while, or they can be so minor that they almost go unnoticed. I get manic sometimes but it's never insanely out of control. I'm usually depressed.
 
Thats absolutely true but just so you know it does not really matter if you get properly diagnosed as long as the dr addresses your symptoms directly.

A lot of people with bipolar will have more depression than mania, and in a way I believe those people are better off. As when you come down from severe mania into intense depression, its a much bigger fall than going from just being "OK" to intense depression.

The ones who wind up killing themself I personally notice are usually heavier on the mania aspect.
But that doesn't mean the depression still can't ruin your life.
Regardless of what you have, if your manic episodes aren't something you can clearly identify, you don't seem to need a mood stablizer, and I think the dr would be more likely to throw you on an anti d to see how you respond.

Remember, theres a lot of anti ds and not all them work. But most people do wind up finding one that suits them perfectly. I had tried zoloft and paxil to no avail, and when I got on lex it was the most incredible mood change I ever experienced.
I cant explain but one day I was just sitting down depressed like always... and it LITERALLY felt like the world had just lifted off my shoulders. I really hope you have a good experience like that cause you really deserve it.
One you get the emotion thing balanced then you can focus on doing things in your life that you've always wanted. If your depressed right now you prob have no idea what those things are, but once that depression lifts you'll find a lot of newfound motivation in life.

I really hope this all works out for you.
 
Thank you, I really hope it works for me too. I have no idea what it's like to be active and energetic and, well, normal.
 
Yeh totally, I hear that.
Just don't forget that theres a lot of forces working in your life right now outside of your own biology.
Young females tend to have more emotional problems due to society alone. If people expected you to be fat, ugly, dumb and depressed you may not feel so bad about yourself.
And as you age you WILL find random strengths and abilities you never thought you could have.
You also seem to be transitioning out of a younger/unstable part of your life. And being away from that life for long enough in general will help problems go away.

Just remember when things get real bad, and you're by yourself, thats its still ok to have faith. Depression can rob you of happiness, and being at peace with yourself, but it can NOT rob you of your will. Thats something we give to depression.
Don't ever let it take your will cause thats when depression really wins imo.

Keep your head up!!
 
Hey TDS, been about six months since I checked in here. I went back to using dissociatives briefly over the summer, albeit only threshold amounts, but it finally lost it's shallow gleam for me. Now they hold no interest, wheras before when I tried to come clean off them there was still that voice saying "another bump..." But it basically never goes away until you stop using, so don't feed the beast!

Also struggled with a combined marijuana and tobacco addiction when stress at work got to me, which was something I hadn't experienced before. Together they're more addictive than either separately, I can now say. I somehow avoided smoking cigarettes regularly, it was actually regular weed use and friends that smoked the two together that got me curious. Most people experience it the other way around, haha. I gave up the 'baccy after finding myself puking my guts out one night, head in a bucket just thinking "Man, what the fuck am I doing to myself?" and that was the end of that.

Some alarming personal events happened a few days ago which caused me to finally ditch marijuana. My last security blanket, the one thing that always calmed me down finally kicked me in the ribs. I actually feel confident and willing to stay clean, for as long as it takes for my mind and body to stabilize. Never felt this way before, so connected to positivity and willing to change. The fact that it's only gotten better over the past few days makes me feel alot better about my life, and I know alot of people don't get that. Some people do alot more work than me for alot longer and don't reap the benefits. So I pretty much feel like the luckiest addict ever, as rediculous as that is to say, haha!

Much love to my TDS peeps, the mods, the PM's from random people with support or concerns. After crawling out of hell the world seems like a new place, I hope everyone here can manage to do the same. Peace & <3
 
Tootsie, I go to a low-income clinic. It is still expensive ($90) but my pdoc is great and although I often have to wait, he's worth it. I hope you feel better soon. If you are in any sort of acute danger, you know what to do - otherwise, good luck at the doc. <3 They will test you for bipolar and treat you according to what you have.

I took mirtazapine for hives and ordered my family a pizza. Yeow this stuff is potent. I hope I don't face plant in the pizza. My Blackberry's trackball made it at risk of me paying a deductible, but nope, they fixed it free. It works even better after the upgrade they did to it as well. Happyberry!

Not the most exciting Saturday I've had but wow I'm seepy :|
 
So this sounds weird, but do you guys ever get that home sick feeling you used to get when you were little and you were away from your parents? Like that "tugging at your heart" feeling? I get it all the time and I wish I knew what it was or who it was that I was missing.
 
^I do. I live far away from most of my family and friends. I write it off as homesickness, have a good cry, and then focus on the good in the present time.
 
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