So what exactly is the longer term outlook of living and loving your best friend...but not a whole lot more than that?
Uh, the depression has come back. Randomly my mind throws out very negative, self-destructive, depressive, pessimistic and suicidal thoughts. Its pretty concerning.
What am I supposed to do about this again??
Hey PT didn't mean to ignore this just noticed it. I'm going to write a verry long post so read at your own leisure when you have the time. But I figured you're into domestic violence so this can be useful outside your personal life as well.
I can't really use what you wrote to predict anything concrete but if you started off best friends first, then started dating later those types of relationships generally last longer than usual. Or opposed to relationships that start off high in passion and low in commitment (like Romeo & Juliet or meeting a guy at the bar one night who you don't know shit about but think is your soul mate).
So technically you are better off than avg just from that. But theres still so many specific things I'd have to find out to plug you into the equation. Its called "The need fullfillment and self expansion scale". This was a book my professor wrote before he wound up on NBC for it as shortly after the research was over the scale was determined to be 90% accurate.
heres one of his books:
http://www.informaworld.com/smpp/content~db=all~content=a925454519
What it measures really are investments.
An investment can be anything such as time, children, emotions, money, really anything that can be defined and measured on a typical 7 point Likert-Scale.
Although it asks A LOT of questions and I'd rather not waste your time unless you study relationships for a living or are actually interested in this stuff.
So intead of running it on you I'm going to make a list of things that will help you figure it out on your own which will be other good models that predict relationship dissolution (breakup) and divorce (only 4 in total):
First is the Vulnerability-Stress-Adaption Model -
You can replace the word "marital" with "relationship" as theres no real difference in terms of the model.
Now what does that mean?
"Enduring Vulnerabilites" are equal to past experiences and inborn traits. Before anyone enters a relationship they have vulnerabilities that they were either born with or that affected them during their life. Such as rape, molestation, not having a father, drug addiction, alcoholism, the list is endless.
Then there are also "Stressful Events" (edit: shown as "external stressors" in this one) that will occur when you are in the relationship, which can be anything. Loss of employment, pregnancy, taxes go up, you get demoted, even a promotion is stressful, or it can be habits and behavoirs of your own partner that cause this.
There is then the "adaptive processes" which are simply the way you and your partner as a PAIR handle stress. Not how each of you handle it individually. That doesn't really matter like people think.
Before we get to the last 2 its important to realize that all 3 of these interact with each other.
The MORE enduring vulnerabilites a person comes in with, generally the worse off for the relationship. However, the way your partner adapts to your own vulnerabilities is a great predictor of breakups, excellent in fact.
PillThrill has a list of vulnerabilites that she knows about and only her. And your BF is exposed to these on a daily basis, as are you to his.
Some things to think about -
When you come home and are stressed from work, does your partner avoid talking about it, or engage it? (avoiding is usually terrible)
If he does engage it how does he handle it?
Does he ADAPT to YOU well? "Oh I'm so sorry honey go take a nap and I'll make dinner" ..
Or does he adapt not so well? "Can't you just be a big girl and deal with it? Is it really that big a deal?"
Although this is not always consistent day to day almost all relationships have common patterns that predict their mutual adaptive abilities.
And the most important thing here is it DOESN'T MATTER if it happens to one or both of you, all that matters is that something is going wrong with ONE OF YOU. Thats that phrase "need fullfillment". If someones needs aren't being met, its not going to last usually.
Then there is a snowball effect in how "adaptive processes" react with "stressevents". Its always going on in the present. If you and your partner aren't adapting to each others vulnerabilites well, not only will that CAUSE stress, but that stress will simultaneously influence BOTH of your abilities to adapt to each other.
PillThrill comes home from work and is mad. PT's BF doesn't adapt well. This makes PT even more stressed. That stress then further provokes PT's BF to adapt worse then he was before.
Stress makes adaption harder.
Adaption increases stress or if you're a good adapter it will decrease stress overall in the relationship.
HOW YOU AND YOUR PARTNER ADAPT to each others "enduring vulnerabilites" is what will effect the level of "relationship quality".
Pretty simple.
When you do or say anything to him, if he generally gets stressed out as his way of adapting, thats usually a conrete predictor of a break up. The less quality there is the less stability there also is. If your relationship feels unstable, its easy to say the quality is low.
------------------------------ Moving On ---------------------------------------
This is now related to the Need Fullfillment & Self Expansion scale developed by Gary Lewandowski (my professor/author of scale)
And this is very cool imo.
Its a much simpler way of looking at relationships and has been tested beyond belief in research. And this ones is personally my favorite scale/model.
I'm going to use abbreviations so let me define them first.
There is "CL" which stands for "comparison level".
Your CL is the value or outcome that you feel you deserve with others (in a relationship).
What does that mean?
Your CL is basically exactly what you believe you are worth in terms of finding a partner. And its defined in a historic sense.
Meaning that if your just got out of an abusive relationship, your CL for relationships is LOW. When you approach a new relationship, because your CL is low (comparison level for outcomes of past relationships) you will also expect low outcomes in future relationships.
Meaning quite simply if your last relationship was a 4 (out of 10) you will very rarely expect a 6 or higher going into a new relationship.
People who have a history of highly rewarding partnerships are likely to have high CL's (like 5-10). In contrast, people who have had troublesome relationships in the past will go into a new relationship with a low CL (1-5).
Theres a clear logic to this once I get through the abbreviations.
But for now if >>> outcomes - CL = satisfaction or disatisfaction.
If you just got out of an abusive relationship, say it was a "3" and are now in a "4", quite simply you are satisfied.
Theres more to it though we're almost done.
CLalt - is your comparison level for alternatives
Simply put, its how much better you think you can be doing in another relationship.
EVERYONE has a relative CLalt that can be measured based on how they answer on the scale. However, CLalt is based on specific circumstances. As in if you actually have a better option available.
If you are seeing your BF, and friends with another guy, and you think you'd have a better chance or better relationship with that guy, then you have a high CLalt or a high comparison level for alternative relationships.
This is always going on in the background in any relationship. As much as people love to think their partner isn't sizing up other people, people are always doing this no matter what.
Now lets put this together
Your CL determines relationship satisfaction or disatisfaction.
because:
outcomes (what you get from relationship) - CL (what you expect from "") = satisfaction or disatisfaction (how you feel in "")
or w/out parathesis: outcomes - CL = satisfaction/disatisfaction
If your CL is an 8 (what you expect from a relationship due to past relationships)
and your outcome is a 10, you are HAPPY or satisfied.
But that doesn't predict a break up and I'll explain why.
If your CLalt (better alternatives) is a 10, and your outcomes is an 8,
then you will want to leave the relationship.
So to sum up CL predicts satisfaction/disatisfaction and CLalt directly predicts dependence/independence. If you can do better in another relationship with some guy, you will not be dependent on the one you are in now. In contrast, if you can't do better, you will be MORE dependent or less independent.
Now the part where everything starts to actually make sense (lol).
----------------------------------------------------------
Remember how I used numbers to signify levels of CL or CLalt? As well as outcomes?
Once this information is retrieved they are all laid out on a scale of 1-10.
You first figure out CL, then you figure out CLalt, then you figure out the outcome level or how much the relationship is actually giving you.
The scale goes like this:
10 >>>> Better Quality
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1 >>>> Lower Quality
This is how a HAPPY, STABLE relationship looks on the scale
10 Current outcome level on
top
9
8 CL alt or
7
6 CL (ie. 6) anywhere underneath.
5
4
3
2
1
This is how an UNHAPPY, UNSTABLE relationship looks (there are 6 types I'm only listing 2 in this thread which are polar opposites, happy/stable & unhappy/unstable relationships)
10 CL (you expect a 10 cause your past relationships were a 10)
9
8 CLalt (your ability to do better somewhere else is lower than what you expect)
7
6 Current outcome level or what the relationship is actually like
5
4
3
2
1
Thats the worst way a relationship can be.
An example of this is a person who just left a great relationship (10) so they are expecting another great relationship (10).
But their current relationship is a 6 so they are dissatisfied and unhappy as they expected better.
And because their ability to do better somewhere else ( 8 ) is higher than the current outcome of their current relationship (6) this relationship will end very soon.
Its pretty simple but there is really just the icing of how it all comes together. There is also "proportional justice" which covers investments.
So if you're in an UNHAPPY, UNSTABLE relationship chances are you are leaving soon.
Why do some people stay? Simple, investments. Their investment level is higher than the outcome, CL and CLalt.
You can view an investment more as a cost of leaving a relationship or what you will lose.
In married couples investments are obviously higher.
You are not married so chances are they are somewhat low. But you have still invested time, possibly money, and other things that you will lose (even self esteem is an investment).
But look at what PT will lose leaving her current relationship.
Look at PT's CLalt. Do you have a promising prospect to do better elsewhere?
Look a PT's CL. How good was your last relationship? Is what you are getting now better or worse than your last? If your current relationship is worse, thats a horrible sign.
Also look at the "proportional justice" of your current relationship.
Which means HOW MUCH do you put into it on a daily basis? And HOW MUCH do you get in return?
Then look at HOW MUCH your partner is putting into it, and HOW MUCH he gets from it?
If you put in 40 (you're suppose to measure this but just use your brain for now)
, and get out 20 it doesn't matter. What matters is if your partner is putting in 20 and getting out 40.
If your partner gets more from the relationship than you do, this again signifies a break up is close.
If you put in 25, and get out 50, and your partner puts in 5 and gets out 10, you are equal. Although it seems you partner is giving less, he is also getting less, but you both are getting the same amount you put in.
In psychology, when your partner gets more than you, and they are putting in less, you will resent them. This could be the natural way the relationship developed. Maybe your partner pays less of the bills than you, and maybe all he wants is sex and he gets that. He's inproportionally getting more than you.
If you pay more of the bills, and don't care about the sex, you're obviously going to resent him. If you spend more time cleaning, more time doing anything FOR the relationship (remember time is an investment) and your partner invests very little time, but you both get the same out of it, again you will resent him.
The important part about investments is not just that you spend more money in the relationship, its simply that what you put into it, and what you get out, is roughly equal to what your partner puts in and gets out. Doesn't matter if you put in a ton and get a ton, if its 100 you put in and 10 you get back, but your partner puts in 10 and gets 1, you're still happy. You're both getting roughly what you put in.
I have typed a fucking book though and thats enough. I wrote this because I know you're into domestic violence and if its something you are genuinely into, studying or knowing about relationships imo is equally as important. And you may also be interested in this crap idk. But this is all done in a very specific way in the lab. We run tests, collect the data, plug it into SSPS and we will get a real numerical value that can predict the liklihood of a relationship ending in a specific time frame.
I wrote this out more generally for you just to think about. And other people can apply it to their relationships to. A relationship is not just romantic either this applies to any relationship, communal, exchange, platonic, romantic, intimate, passionate, etc etc. If anything though, it should definitely give you a better perspective on how relationships work.
Last, people generally don't like looking at relationships as a business exchange but the majority of relationships today are not communal, they are exchange relationships and because of that specific things can be measured and predicted. Its very interesting though to say the least when you run a persons relationship through these formulas and tell them their relationship is likely to end in a year and they say "but I'm so happy" blah blah. There are wayy more things to consider like I said than the fact that someone is merely satisfied or happy. Because as we know today lots of people stay in unsatisfying relationships. We also know people in abusive relationships generally seek out more abusive relationships. Comparison levels cover all of that. But we also know about "self-expansion" and although a person may have just got out of an abusive relationship, people still generally like to grow and do better than their past. But people do not feel comfortable doing too much better than their past either as research has also shown.
Thats enough writing for now though hopefully I cleared up a few things for you.
-Bo
