I'm a realist too man & by no means religious or know if I even believe in God...honestly idk what to believe I just keep the possibility open in case. I deff wouldn't want to b suffering for eternity in hell if it does exist tho that's for sure & all I want in life is to feel happy/loved/content so if I knew some place better was awaiting me I'd already be there 100% trust, but being the realist I am I can not say 100% there isn't someplace better than here either...if life is this bad there has to be somewhere better right? I hope atleast, & The thought of even possibly ending up somewhere worse has given me enough strength to make it this far. & if there is a better place which I really fuckin hope lol I don't think I would make it there by killin myself w/ drugs n transferring my pain to my loved ones. Even while they are alive if ur theory is correct they will still have to deal w/ that pain...idk if I want to live my life sober either or if I even can much longer but you deserve the chance to get passed this depression & find out for real what u want, not being influenced by the lack of feel good chems in your brain at this particular moment. You feel energies? I know I do n can tell when ppl r lying or serious n the fact that energy is never destroyed only transferred n the fact that living on this planet seems pretty pointless & futile....I just would try not to rule out the possibility of something better or worse awaiting. Space is endless can't even fathom how big all the planets black holes how everything seems to just fit in life, not my life lol but just things living n trees n shit idk Sry if that was preachy or anything deff not trying to n hate when I see ppl pushin beliefs but I know it can b beneficial sometimes looking @ things w/ a diff perspective. & yes it is easier a lot of the times helping others instead of ourselves but Just see a lot of myself n thoughts I've had in you n know how much of a 360 my life has taken n we need more help than we can get n I just feel for u man for real. I really do wish u the best n no one deserves to suffer like we do Shit gets tiring. I'm tired of runnin from my true self but my true self isn't my "best" or most loving/caring/helping self either. This shit is making us stronger man whether u can see it right now or not. Addiction can be a blessing if u let it. Not too many ppl have the power or insight to help ppl like us but if we make it dude just think of all the ppl in our shoes feelin like how we feel u could help & ease their pain or make them atleast feel less alone....I take it there is fulfillment in something like that n that's y I wana go back to school for addiction counsel or medicine or something , just I started dope @ comm college so I've been hesitant on going back so far which sucks I will soon tho but Everyday we're alive is a fuckin victory for us man , were warriors srsly reg folk got no clue what we go through on the day to day & I didn't believe it when I first got clean n sounded like BS one day at a time but w/ the fuckin monster that is addiction it is true. sry for the book bud just tryin to get through to u w/ the alc n way ur feeling. I would b likely to brush this thread off & not take anything from it which is the opposite of what should happen, there is a lot of good advice in here & ppl who care what happens to you. For real.
It didn't sound preachy to me. Now, I can say that I am still not capable of believing in something better out there. I'm a realist like I said, and I was pursuing a career as a scientist at one point so I really do put most of my money on things I can observe and see. The truth of the matter is that I can't rule out what I can't prove, true, but just because I can't prove something
doesn't exist by no means should go to say that it does or is even possible. I'm going to just stay away from that matter in general, it's a touchy topic that always brings up arguments and as much as I love to argue with people I simply don't have the energy to do so right now.
As for the whole drunken thing earlier (still a little buzzed), well...gotta love truth serum I guess. That's the first time I've drank so much that I was throwing up drunk, which never happens because alcoholism runs in my family so I have a pretty high natural tolerance. That's pretty much how I'm feeling right now though. I've made it past physical withdrawals, but I am still without a doubt experiencing PAWS. I'm depressed, anxious, and struggling to get a grip on reality right now. I simply
cannot live life sober right now. I don't know how to. I don't know if I want to. I find it hard to remember a time better than when I was on something. And it's strange, because I hang out with people almost every day, and I never feel this way while with them, but the second they're out the door or I leave I turn to drugging myself out of reality. I tried going a day without any drugs and all, and I ended up laying awake in bed the entire night. Not a single hour of sleep, and the next day was terrible so I started using benzos again to sleep. I've been thinking about antidepressant medication, but with the drugs I've done I don't know if they'd even help. It's to the point that I don't even have enough motivation to smoke week, simply because it's too much work. I'd rather pop a couple pills and sleep a quarter of my day away, and pop a few more at night to do the same. I'd rather smoke a point of heroin and sleep my day away than do something else, such as work on my broken/wrecked motorcycle.
This has pretty much turned into a rant, and I know there isn't much help you guys can offer me at this point which makes it even worse. Suicidal thoughts have been present, but I doubt I'd be courageous enough to actually try to kill myself again like I did during withdrawals. Like I said in the earlier drunken post, I just don't know what to do right now. I'm happy using, I'm told I'll be happier clean, I
used to be happier clean I
think, I know I'm depressed but I don't know what to do about it. Fuck, I just don't know.
