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Tapering IV heroin question?

MollyPrimrose

Greenlighter
Joined
Apr 16, 2025
Messages
16
Location
North Eastern USA
Hi so I hope this is the right place for this.
I've been wanting to get back off heroin for a bit now. I'm on parole and it's random that I see her and it's been a while. Me and my boyfriend have been doing it, trading our subs for dope which screwed me in the end. I also stopped my sub doctor from prescribing more because I wanted my Xanax script back and I couldn't have both. But I figured my boyfriend still got subs so it's okay. I ended up trading most of my Xanax to someone for some dope. Now my boyfriend went to court and they took him to jail. I talked to our dealer and he gave me a bun for free and told me If I get some subs he's definitely trade again. I don't get subs though so I'm kinda fucked. I've been wanting to stop anyways. I did three out of ten of this bun but i want to taper down so the withdrawal isn't that bad because I have no subs now. If I only do a bag when I start feeling really sick instead of just whenever I want, will It help to taper me down? Or do I need more than just the 7 bags I have. Or am I just fucked. Thanks in advance
 
I'll be completely honest with you, you're definitely not fucked. The only problem I found when I did the same as you is everything went well and I got down to a bag in the morning and a bag at night. But everytime I got down that low some crisis would occur that I hadn't anticipated and I'd need an extra bag that day just to get me through. Sometimes the next day I'd feel like shit that I'd increased my use and that would make me feel bad, and yes you guessed it, I'd need an extra bag to get through that feeling. Plus you never know the potency of what you're using. One day you can score and a bag split in two would be enough as it was really strong gear. Another day a bag would barely touch me as it was really weak shit.

The other thing I didn't factor into the equation was what do I do when I get down so low and I have to jump off. That was the hardest decision to make in my opinion. I realised that before trying again I needed to make sure I had a plan of action. Such as people or places I could go if I was feeling vulnerable and wanted to use more on any particular day. You know this is possibly the most crucially important thing you'll ever do in your life. Now you wouldn't consider buying a bicycle without testing the tyres, break, the gears and taking it for a test drive. How is this more important than what you're doing now? Have you considered seeing what's available on your location that can replace the heroin. Something that eases the withdrawals a little cos there are going to be some withdrawals when you do finally jump off.

I'm sorry if you've heard this before but it's the truth as I found it. I admire what you're doing so much, it takes a special kind of inner strength to get to the point you're vat. Just don't forget how much you want this as you must really want it to do it this way. Just one other thing keeping a diary/journal can help. If you're struggling looking back just 2 weeks and you might find that actually you're doing better than you were then. You can also see patterns that might help and things you need to avoid.

But never forget that s lapse/relapse, if it happens, is only a mistake if you learn nothing from it. Learn something and it ceases to be a mistake and becomes a huge learning curve. I've never got it right long term by getting it right, but I've learned big time from getting it wrong.

If I may ask have you addressed the issues that started you on your drug using adventure? You see in my own experience I've generally found that anyone using heroin has some kind of emotional pain that the drug eases. And if you're one of those that didn't start of with any emotional issues I imagine you have some now. You know I've always thought that addiction is just the symptom of something that goes deeper. If that's not addressed then you could be looking at another addiction taking it's place. I apologised if anything I've said is not what you, or others want to hear, but what I'm saying comes from my own experience but mostly my heart. You know the reason it's called a "habit" I'd because it becomes the routine you follow without thinking and even after stopping completely it takes time to gradually change your daily routine, the way you think and how you deal with life when it hits hard. You don't become seriously addicted in a few weeks to the point where it becomes that habit, so you can't expect to change back to where you were before you began using in a couple of months. When you start using heroin it changes every part of your body and with the chemical changes that also occur you end up with a lot of learned behaviour that has to gradually be in learned. But you've been brave enough to reach out for help, that takes courage. I'm so proud of what you're doing. And in a way I'll be reading how you're doing and in a way taking this journey with you. One thing I can promise you is that when you become heroin free and you've got through the first couple of months afterwards you begin to see, feel and think differently and it can be the most amazing feeling in the world. Obviously you still got to deal with life which has it's shit days. But in comparison to the shit you felt a few months before it's still the best option being heroin free. There could be someone reading what you've written thinking of doing the same, and due to your actions are inspired to do the same. And someone considering starting down this road could read your post and decide after taking this journey with you decide it's just not worth it. So you could say you're taking this journey so they don't have to. That's the best thing you can do for anyone in my opinion. So well done sweetheart.
 
I'll be completely honest with you, you're definitely not fucked. The only problem I found when I did the same as you is everything went well and I got down to a bag in the morning and a bag at night. But everytime I got down that low some crisis would occur that I hadn't anticipated and I'd need an extra bag that day just to get me through. Sometimes the next day I'd feel like shit that I'd increased my use and that would make me feel bad, and yes you guessed it, I'd need an extra bag to get through that feeling. Plus you never know the potency of what you're using. One day you can score and a bag split in two would be enough as it was really strong gear. Another day a bag would barely touch me as it was really weak shit.

The other thing I didn't factor into the equation was what do I do when I get down so low and I have to jump off. That was the hardest decision to make in my opinion. I realised that before trying again I needed to make sure I had a plan of action. Such as people or places I could go if I was feeling vulnerable and wanted to use more on any particular day. You know this is possibly the most crucially important thing you'll ever do in your life. Now you wouldn't consider buying a bicycle without testing the tyres, break, the gears and taking it for a test drive. How is this more important than what you're doing now? Have you considered seeing what's available on your location that can replace the heroin. Something that eases the withdrawals a little cos there are going to be some withdrawals when you do finally jump off.

I'm sorry if you've heard this before but it's the truth as I found it. I admire what you're doing so much, it takes a special kind of inner strength to get to the point you're vat. Just don't forget how much you want this as you must really want it to do it this way. Just one other thing keeping a diary/journal can help. If you're struggling looking back just 2 weeks and you might find that actually you're doing better than you were then. You can also see patterns that might help and things you need to avoid.

But never forget that s lapse/relapse, if it happens, is only a mistake if you learn nothing from it. Learn something and it ceases to be a mistake and becomes a huge learning curve. I've never got it right long term by getting it right, but I've learned big time from getting it wrong.

If I may ask have you addressed the issues that started you on your drug using adventure? You see in my own experience I've generally found that anyone using heroin has some kind of emotional pain that the drug eases. And if you're one of those that didn't start of with any emotional issues I imagine you have some now. You know I've always thought that addiction is just the symptom of something that goes deeper. If that's not addressed then you could be looking at another addiction taking it's place. I apologised if anything I've said is not what you, or others want to hear, but what I'm saying comes from my own experience but mostly my heart. You know the reason it's called a "habit" I'd because it becomes the routine you follow without thinking and even after stopping completely it takes time to gradually change your daily routine, the way you think and how you deal with life when it hits hard. You don't become seriously addicted in a few weeks to the point where it becomes that habit, so you can't expect to change back to where you were before you began using in a couple of months. When you start using heroin it changes every part of your body and with the chemical changes that also occur you end up with a lot of learned behaviour that has to gradually be in learned. But you've been brave enough to reach out for help, that takes courage. I'm so proud of what you're doing. And in a way I'll be reading how you're doing and in a way taking this journey with you. One thing I can promise you is that when you become heroin free and you've got through the first couple of months afterwards you begin to see, feel and think differently and it can be the most amazing feeling in the world. Obviously you still got to deal with life which has it's shit days. But in comparison to the shit you felt a few months before it's still the best option being heroin free. There could be someone reading what you've written thinking of doing the same, and due to your actions are inspired to do the same. And someone considering starting down this road could read your post and decide after taking this journey with you decide it's just not worth it. So you could say you're taking this journey so they don't have to. That's the best thing you can do for anyone in my opinion. So well done sweetheart.
So I've stopped using and started back up many times in life, usually because of jail. But the last couple times I stopped without being arrested. My longest clean time just a year ago ended with 1000 days clean. I got out of prison,l and then the halfway house and stayed clean for a while. But then I had a miscarriage and I spiraled. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It is what it is. I got clean twice between when I started using again a year ago and now while at home, using subs. The first time for some reason wasn't that bad of a withdrawal even though I was using for like 5 months. The next was terrible even after a couple weeks. And this time, just like you said, I get so close to doing almost none and then something happens, I make some excuse that I need and extra bag or two, and then I'm back to where I was trying to get down from. I just got a bun, used two bags already, but am trying to only use when I start feeling really close to sick. Like, pupils huge, body zaps, cold sweats just starting. Because if I just use whenever I feel like, I'm going to go through this bun way too fast. I have suboxone, I honestly don't know why it's so hard to just go the day or so of being sick and take a sub. But I find that the main reason I use isnt to numb emotions ( even though yes I do do that sometimes, but it isn't the main thing that I crave). The main thing that keeps me using is that rush I get when I shoot up and I feel it in my chest and through my whole body. And what I keep thinking about is, how do I replace that feeling that I enjoy so much? I know some people say that you just have to figure out what you like about it and find a healthy way to replace it or cope. People that use it because of an emotional issue can get help from therapy or journaling or talking to people, some people that use it to sleep can get sleeping meds, etc. At least that's what they taught us in the TC program in prison 🙄. But how do you replace the feeling of that rush that feels so good it's almost orgasmic? Or the excitement I get from pulling back on the plunger of that needle and seeing the blood flow in and knowing that the wonderful orgasmic rush is soon to follow? Someone tried to tell me exorsizing gives you the adrenaline rush that's close, but not for me. I'm not really into exorsizing and it just makes me tired. It's good for keeping in shape and being healthy yeah, but it's not the same feeling. And it's a lot more work that just grabbing the needle and dope and shooting.

Anyways, I'm going to try to make this my last bun. I've said that about 5 times this month and kept getting more. But honestly, I'm out of funds and out of meds to trade to my dealer. So I don't have much choice. The only thing I can do is do my best to ease into the withdrawl and taper with the 8 bags I have left. Thankfully I didn't let my habit get too bad. I kept it low because I knew if I started doing multiple bags at once, it was just going to make the withdrawl that much harder. I do one bag at a time, but I usually do it many times throughout the day. Because I like that rush and the whole ritual of shooting it. But I'm gonna use some restraint and only do it when I NEED it instead of when I want to. Hopefully. I have subs now so that's the plan to ease the withdrawals when they do come on. I also have a couple Xanax, clonidine, Ambien, and one other pill I can't remember what it was.

I appreciate you answering so much and everything you said was helpful to read. And while I didn't plan to use this thread as a journal exactly with updates on how it's going, maybe I will. It might help someone later on that's going through the same thing I am. You're so very right about that lol. I shall update as I go. As long as I remember lol.
 
The most important thing you said in your last post was that you use Vos you love the buzz. Until you admit that, and it's the same for everyone, you can't accept it. And you can't deal with something you refuse to admit to, right. The other thing you mentioned was that you managed to stay clean due to being in jail. But that wasn't your choice as it was enforced withdrawal and sitting. Now it's your choice, you're in complete control, no one else. That can be scary. I found out that it wasn't failing I feared as I'd been told I was a failure from a very early age, it was fear of success that fucked my head up. Success. How does a failure like me deal with that? I mentioned trauma, may I ask have you had any help in dealing with the loss of your baby. That's a huge one for any woman who has lost a child at any stage of the pregnancy.

In the UK subs have something added to them that's supposed to block the use of opiates. Take heroin and then a sub and it will wipe it out of your system and you'll go into withdrawal. I mentioned the potency of heroin cos you never know how strong it us, but if you switched to subs you'd know exactly how much you'd be getting.

I know when I was in jail all those years ago I couldn't wait to get out so I could score and get high. You see I hadn't lived in the real world in jail and usually there was enough drama going on to take your mind off of using. A different kind of risk/excitement. What are your plans for when you finally make the jump from something to nothing? In your situation I'd enjoy the heroin you have left, but don't over do it. Then go onto a low dose of subs, just enough to make life bearable. And I'd stay on that whilst I we worked out a plan with all the support, safety nets in place before even thinking of quitting. I'm not trying to put you off wuitting, far from it. But the way I sometimes didn't quit was to sabotage myself before I even stopped. Like you I'd decide I'd quit and when it didn't work out I had the perfect excuse to carry on using.

Now I'm not saying you're doing this, but he'll if it means you do eventually succeed would it matter if you switched yo dubs for a couple of months, long enough for your body to know what it was getting each time instead of never knowing how potent or strong the stuff you've been using is. I suppose if it achyrved the goal I don't have a problem with using a maintenance dose of subs or methadone until you're completely sure you've covered all of the bases you need to to make your chance of succeeding as perfect as you can. But I really can relate to the rush you get from IV use. I mean I also used to sit and draw blood into the barrel and inject it back, do it again, and get a rush from that.

Have you noticed when you're really hanging out and you manage to score, as soon as you have that heroin in your possession, you feel better, your w/d lessens a little. That's the kind of mind fuck that heroin will do on you. Can I ask you why, really, did now seem like the time to do this. I'm asking as you seem a little unsure about it all. But please don't think that enforced quitting in jail is anything like quitting in the real world when it's your choice to stop. No similarity at all. But when you achieve it in the real world it's the most powerful feeling I've ever felt. I could do, or not, anything I wanted to do, it not. Nothing and no one could choose for me and trust me it's the most amazing feeling I've ever experienced.

Just think about where you go from here cos your body will give you a hard time of that you're aware. But if your body gets the chance to level off on the same dose of meds it makes the way you think and feel so much better. On heroin you can use the same amount every day and some days be hanging out all bloody day. Now that is torture. But whatever you decide it's your choice now, you're in control. You go girl.
 
Sorry I was typing out a long answer and then had to get some things done, got pulled over, cop was somehow convinced me and the driver of the car were sober. And luckily we both went home. We didn't have anything with us anyways. Just wanted to get some ice cream from the gas station yesterday. But anyway. Yesterday was hectic. I have my reply to your post halfway typed and saved. Will probably reply later today.

Quick update: have 4 bags from a bun gotten 2 days ago. I'm doing half of a bag of each in a shot. I love these because they're juuusttt full enough and strong enough that I can and still feel them. Gimme a couple hours to wake up as it's only 10am and I didn't go to sleep until like 4am and the night before I only slept in spurts. I am sleepy lol. I will return I promise. Thank you for checking on me ❤️ that means a lot that someone that doesn't even know me cares enough to want me to reply to them. I knew coming to Blue light would be a good idea. Y'all are good people. 😊
 
Alright so it seems like everytime I try to make a plan to have some time to detox, I end up having to go out and do things. My boyfriends dad took me to the glasses place and made an appointment for tomorrow to get an eye exam. Which I really appreciate, but Im trying to hide the fact that I'm using and so I can go while sick. So I ended up getting a couple more bags. Hopefully tomorrow will be the last day I use.
 
So, no I haven't had anyone help me deal with the loss of my baby. Well, besides my boyfriend. We both went through it. But it's just how I deal with things. And I know it's probably not the most "healthy" way to deal with things, but just trying to not think about traumas and keep them pushed down is how I deal. When I was raped, people kept telling me therapy would help. But Im not into therapy. I just can't get with it. Talking about things that I don't even want to think about with people just makes me relive it all over again and the PTSD from it will just have images of what happened flashing into my head for weeks after talking about it. It doesn't help me feel better. Pushing it down and ignoring it and distracting myself from it helps more. Even when I had to see a therapist once a month because the program I was in while in prison required it once I got out, I told my therapist this and she said that If I didn't want to talk about those things that's fine and honestly, she's the first therapist that I liked seeing because she didn't force me to talk about things that I didn't want to. We talked about Pokemon, video games, how our morning went if anything big happened, about the coffees and teas that we liked, etc. But after a couple years of pushing down my traumas and ignoring them, I can eventually talk about them in passing if someone related to them and not get stuck in my head about it. Not talk about it in detail, but I can manage bringing it up and be okay. The miscarriage is still a little too soon for me to want to bring up and talk about to anyone. But being raped happened years ago and I can bring it up now and yeah it still sucks and hurts to remember, but I can control those memories and I won't get stuck on them.
The US has the same thing in our subs. Naloxone or something like that? It's basically similar to narcan. And it will send you into precipitated withdrawal if you do it too soon after heroin. The thing with the subs is, I'm prescribed Xanax, and I can't also get prescribed subs and keep my Xanax. My Xanax helps me and theyre getting harder for people to get put on them around here and so sometimes I can sell some if I need some money and keep some for myself and I don't want to give that up. I got these subs from other people I have enough to get through the withdrawal period and then Im going to stop them. I don't really want to stay on maintenance anyways. Eventually I'd have to detox off that if I stayed on it for a while and I don't want to have to go through that too. Also I suck at remembering to take meds. My meds are take as needed. So if I won't have to take them until I feel I need them and that's fine. They're more of a just in case thing. If I'm on subs and I get stuck somewhere and don't have them and I'm reliant on them, I'm going to withdrawal from them. Just like dope, but they won't give me the same good feeling high that I enjoy so it's more likely that I won't remember that I need them until I do and don't have them.

I also used the use the rig and suck up blood just to shoot it back in even with no drugs. Sometimes id shoot just water.
The needle addiction is harder than the actual drug addiction sometimes.

I'm stopping now mainly because my boyfriend is in rehab (he had a court date that he wasn't ready for, didn't have a good lawyer yet and was afraid of how it would go, so he went into a rehab to get court continued) and now that he's clean, I'm getting clean. On top of the fact that I'm on parole and need to get off this shit anyway before my PO hits me with a random.

My game plan is the use the subs to get through the withdrawal period like I've done a couple times before, and just stick with my medical marijuana, Xanax, and Ambien. Which is a pretty decent cocktail of drugs anyways, the main thing that I know I'll be missing is that instant rush and the needle fixation. I'm not sure how to deal with those/replace that feeling.

.
 
Hey Molly. How are you doing. I know just what youe mean about avoiding the pain. Even now after all of these years and even with hindsight I still run from emotionally painful stuff. I think it's how I learned to deal with things I couldn't face. Having said that I've also learned that running just means it will come back again. Do sometimes now I try to stay with it. It's still bloody hard cos when I deal with one thing others then come up.

What do you think the future holds for you? Or rather how would you like to see your future progress? I always found that I stood more chance of succeeding with anything, not just drugs, in life really, if I had some kind of plan of action. Life sucks sometimes but I still think having it, with all of the problems, and the good times, is better than the alternative.

Babygirl. X
 
Okay bluelighters, unfortunately my plan has been cut short by my PO saying she wants to see me at 9am tomorrow morning. I'm checking into a detox center tonight instead. I'll talk to yall in a couple day/weeks

Wish me luck
 
So I ended up leaving the rehab early. My tooth got infected, they waited way too long before they took me to the hospital from the rehab, I had to be put on IV antibiotics, they still didn't want to let me out after I finished the IV and had to go back to the rehab. but after 6 days of my face swelling up and my tooth getting more and more infected, I left AMA. I got in to see an oral surgeon the next day, they put me to sleep, pulled my tooth, cut my cheek open a tiny bit on the outside to drain it. And I'm still dealing with it being a bit swollen and taking antibiotics and pain meds. I just got the face bandage taken off yesterday. The dentist said he'd usually have someone with an infection like I had stay in the hospital but he didn't want me to have to stay in the hospital for days so he was just having me come in so he could check it everyday.

There was a pretty cool old head at the rehab that knows about this website (they're all addicts in recovery working there) I thought that was pretty cool.
 
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