Tapering 3 year daily benzo use, severely depressed..

[Ringo88]

Well, it all started about 2 and a half years ago, getting close to 3. My dog was diagnosed with cancer, and I started abusing xanax. She was a best friend to me, I hated seeing her go through treatment. She passed away on December 3, 2012.

Anyways, I had been using high dose xanax for about 4 months, from the time she was diagnosed until she passed. I then tried to just stop. I learned quickly that was a bad idea. I felt like I was in hell.

Fast forward 2 and a half years later, and I've gone from xanax, to ativan, Klonopin, and finally valium. All Dr. prescribed this time. My highest Klonopin dose was 3mg a day. I'm down to 12.5mg of Valium a day.

Every day is a struggle, with me being depressed as fuck all the time, sometimes wondering if I'd be better off dead. Every cut is hard as hell, and sometimes I truly think I won't make it.

I also have had weird symptoms the past 3 years where I have trouble swallowing, and it scares the hell out of me. I've been to the ER numerous times for panic attacks, thinking I was dying. My bloodwork and heart tests have all checked out perfect.

I exercise around 3-4 times a week, going running. But this swallowing thing scares me. I've had chest x rays, all fine, but I just don't know what to do anymore.

I feel like I'm fucked. I don't have money to have any procedures done to check my throat, but I figured if something was truly wrong, it would have shown up in bloodwork or the numerous other tests I've had.

Every day I feel will be my last. I try to smoke weed still, but even it causes me panic a lot of the time now, feeling like I can't breath, when I obviously can if I can jog 3 miles 3-4 times a week.

Anyways, a buddy I met on here recommended this part of the forums. Just wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I'm also a little over a month off Prozac, being on every ssri except luvox in 6 years.

Any and all advice is appreciated. I just want to be normal again, and not die young. I want to be able to feel happiness again. Thanks everyone, and God Bless.

 

[P.o.T.u.S]

Ive never really had a problem with benzos,mostly opiates and cocaine in my case..so i dont have much advice..the weed is prolly making the anxiety worse imo..all i can say is take it one day at a time and try to be optimistic and positive.i wish u luck buddy..dont hesitate to put your feelings down here on your thread, it will help

 

[Allein]

Hey Ringo88, welcome to BlueLight

Tapering from Benzos is a lengthy and painful process and one I know only too well, I doubt you're getting much if any of the positive effects that you once took them for, tapering is all about freeing yourself from these drugs in the safest and least painful manner.

Be assured you're doing the right thing, long term daily escalating benzo use only adds to your mental health issues, I'm sure in the early days the dumbness was a blessed relief but they are now holding you back, hang in there you're on the home straight %) Going back isnt an option you should contemplate, I did so more tha once and never gained the effects I wanted or seemed to remember and got in deeper everytime.

I spent a good few years working through ADs, SSRIs don't agree with me, I had some success with Venlafaxine and most recently Amiltryptyline but I ceased these late last year, my depression is persistent and to some extent just part of who I am, I no longer seek a 'cure'. What is vitally important is that you recognise if things are getting consistently worse in terms of thoughts of suicide, if these thoughts are becoming regular and intrusive seek help. I'm not sure where you are in the world (I'm in the UK) but seek out family, friends or an organisation specialising in providing support to those in crisis to talk to. Just because you have those thoughts doesnt mean you are going to act upon them but in themselves they are disturbing and can become part of a spiral into more serious episodes of illness.

TBH your other health concerns could well be understandable anxiety issues, it's common for people suffering depression to also have increased anxiety and tapering benzos will almost certainly lead to some rebound anxiety.

Your already managing to get some exercise, my apathy with such things is truly self defeating so give yourself some credit for that and tapering the benzos.

Stick around and feel free to update on your progress, PM me anytime

 

[razdaddy]

I've tried just about every benzodiazpeine at some time in my life. The best is clonazepam. It's very very strong and it doesn't screw your head up. I've heard its the only benzo that has actually been indicated for long term anxiety. Second strongest I found to be bromazepam. Lorazepam is like bromazepam but without the sedative effect and at least as hard t withdraw from..Valium makes you agitated and anxious and its not so strong.Nitrazepam is strong but it makes you hungry. Oxazepam is considered weak but I quite like it. Librium is very very weak and xanax is strong but utter hell to withdraw from. Stay away. The z drugs (zopiclone and zolpidem) are not quite as difficult to withdraw from. Zopiclone tastes terrible and you can;t get rid of the taste becsuse its secreted in your saliva. Zolpidem is strong for a while I guess. Versed (midazolam) is a bit of a disappointment compared with my expectations. Don't even think of going anywhere near triazolam. The half life is so short and potency strong that you suffer withdrawal inbetween individual doses! They say nimetzazepam which is available in some south east countries is very strong but I've never had. If you have to go long term, go for klonopin (clonazepam). t will be hard to withdraw from because its very very high potency so you'll prob. have to do a valium conversion but its strong, sensible (ie. doesn't screw your head up) and keeps working longer than the others.Oh.. and a word about temazepam. I know it's very highly abused. Don't know why. It's not so strong. Take more than two and you can get a headache (and it's toxic!)Doesn't do much for muscle relaxant

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

My honest advice to you would be to crack on and detox if you are able to give over a week or two to doing it. I detoxed from 8mg at xmas after tapering down from 200mg and it was pretty easy, no big deal. Of course it won't necessarily be the same for you but for me the process is far preferable to struggling through the end of a taper where you feel on edge for months.

 

[Colonel Contin]

I had to give up weed when I dropped off of my DOCs as well. I just couldn't handle the anxiety it induces. Quitting your SSRI may also be affecting you in ways that are difficult to calculate. It's tough to go through all of it at once, so if you feel like you aren't stabilizing fast enough and things really start to fall apart, maybe you can slow your taper until your mind catches up. Your doctor should be closely monitoring your progress and making sure you're coping properly. If it truly starts to feel like it's beyond your capacity to cope with a home taper you may need closer supervision during the final stages. You seem to be determined and on task, but I don't like seeing anybody pushed beyond their limits.

My roommate describes similar symptoms regarding 'trouble swallowing'. I'm not sure what it's a symptom of, but I do know that things like that can become a preoccupation, and obsessing about it (struggling desperately to swallow and panicking when it's not going as well as you'd like) can exacerbate the symptoms. I have been having an issue with catching my breath in the middle of the night when I'm trying to sleep. When I become preoccupied with it my breathing becomes irregular and I start to panic... I usually find myself shooting up out of bed and gasping for air.

 

[Erikmen]

My honest advice to you would be to crack on and detox if you are able to give over a week or two to doing it. I detoxed from 8mg at xmas after tapering down from 200mg and it was pretty easy, no big deal. Of course it won't necessarily be the same for you but for me the process is far preferable to struggling through the end of a taper where you feel on edge for months.

To crack on?
the thing with benzos is that you learn to think differently. When you quit you have to adapt to your new you. It sucks psychologically speaking, even more than opiates idk.

 

[Ringo88]

Thanks all for the advice, its greatly appreciated.

So the past few days have been hell, and I think it has to be the antidepressant leaving my body. Colonel Contin, I think you may be on to something man. I've been on the fucking ssris for 6 years, just a month off Prozac. I feel like I'm trapped in hell, and that death would be much preferable to this miserable existence I have now. I don't know what to do.

I fucking hate the sexual side effects of antidepressants, but I don't know if I can live like this. I literally feel like I'm losing my fucking mind.

 

[Colonel Contin]

Yeah, herbavore makes reference to a 'flatness' people often experience as a result of long-term SSRI use. This can extend to many corners of your personal life including your sexuality, but it is a side-effect that one might choose to tolerate when the alternative is crushing depression or hopelessness. I hate suggesting more experimentation with antidepressants as it seems like an endless cycle with often less-than-hopeful results, but you don't want to slip into hopelessness needlessly if you've found something that seems to work. I have been taking suboxone for opiate maintenance, which has a sort of antidepressant effect. I truly believe if it weren't for that I would have resorted back to SSRIs/SNRIs in an attempt to manage my depression and anxiety. It's a tough call. I hate antidepressants, but on many occasions have been in such a state that I was willing to try anything to dig myself out of the hole I was in. I just think you don't want too many stressors at once, and your benzo taper is definitely going to be tough. Perhaps you can slow your taper until you feel like you've leveled out from quitting prozac and explore some exercise/meditation/healthy living type activities (or anything to help fill the void) to help you along. Or if it feels like you're spiraling, you might want to consider resuming the prozac until you've finished your taper. You'll have to feel it out.

It seems like you've done quite well so far. One step at a time.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

To crack on?
the thing with benzos is that you learn to think differently. When you quit you have to adapt to your new you. It sucks psychologically speaking, even more than opiates idk.

Just my experience from various efforts I've had at quitting benzos. For me, the tail end of a taper where you just feel constantly out of sorts because you never have enough meds and it starts to drag forever is far more punishing than jumping off once you get down to a manageable amount. Like you say, for lots of people those last weeks mean constantly feeling a lack of meds and that can be very hard psychologically...personally I'll take an 'easy' to 'average' detox (which as far as you can ever second-guess these things, 12mg shouldn't be too bad) over going through that.

There's absolutely no right way to detox or finish a taper, but if someone was to specifically ask about the situation (which they did) I would recommend taking the plunge and just going for the detox to most people who are down to below ~15mg diazepam per day level. Be brave and if you feel ready to detox just go for it, it probably wont be as bad as you are expecting from that level and it saves fucking around with the sharp end of a taper which can be even more unpleasant for many people considering how drawn out it is. Of course after 3 years on benzos it's senseless rushing in to it, but I would definitely be preparing myself to crack on and detox in that situation. Making sure I'm well fed and rested, topped up with vitamins and have lots of energy etc. On the other hand lots of people can just taper off all the way without ever feeling too much wd and that works for them better, but it doesn't really sound like that in this case.

 

[Ringo88]

Well, I saw a new doctor today, I got tired of my old one treating me like an addict. Anyways, she prescribed me mirtazapine for sleep, and effexor to try if I wanted. I don't know about going back on an ssri type med, though it's an snri. She told me to go ahead and up my Valium back to 15mg a day. I feel like I regressed so much, but i don't know what else to do.

I guess because I've been in hell the past few days, ill give it a shot. I can't live like this, I know that. I feel helpless, like I'll never get off fucking pills. I don't know if I just need to accept the fact that ill be on some type of med forever, or what. She seemed ok, better than my last doc for sure. God help me, I wanted to blow my fucking brains out today. Shitty day at work, and still feeling like I'm in hell.

I guess I'll try this for now, I need to be able to function. Just so fucking frustrating... Part of me wants to kill myself. Just end all the fucking madness. But I can't, even if only to not hurt the people I love.

 

[Colonel Contin]

Mirtazapine is a NaSSA antidepressant and will likely need to be tapered just like any SSRI or SNRI (just so you know). Your doctor should have told you this. Don't feel bad about nudging your taper a little bit so you feel comfortable. You can always save some of your Valium for a rainy day if you want to try to keep your dosage down most of the time. I know being stuck on the medication feels like a prison, but try to stay positive and keep tabs on your state of mind. If the meds are working you should start to feel more content despite your issues with taking them. If that isn't your experience, then taper off and decide whether you want to try again. Please don't give up hope!

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

I guess because I've been in hell the past few days, ill give it a shot. I can't live like this, I know that. I feel helpless, like I'll never get off fucking pills.

Lots (most?) of people feel like that in active addiction, you're not the only one. Plenty of those people go on to get clean so try not to freak out about feeling that way!

It really sounds like you are putting yourself down and dismissing your chances of getting clean before ever really getting to the crunch and giving it a go. It can be really hard for lots of people to do but staying positive is a really important part of the process, it makes the shit stuff that is unavoidable easier to deal with if you are confident of the idea that the end is in sight.

Try asking yourself why you feel like you will never get clean-the things that you feel are holding you back-and then write them down. Come back to them with a clear head, preferably with another person that you feel comfortable sharing with, and ask yourself and the other person whether they are valid reasons or constructs of your own head. Often people will find that many things are constructs of their own negative thinking, but there may be valid reasons as well. If this is the case sit and think/discuss how you will combat these issues and come up with a plan for dealing with them with a rough idea of timescale, writing this down as well. Pin it on your wall somewhere you can see it easily, many people find the whole process seems much more manageable when it is broken down like that. You can then cross off the things you need to do as you complete them and being constantly reminded of your progress like this is really encouraging.